Mutant Debutante Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I won full custody of her a couple years back because our mom is a drug addict and incompetent, and her father (my stepfather) is dead. She's 8 and I'm 23. My middle sister also lives with us, she's 19 and going to school and out almost as much as she's in but she babysits and helps out a lot when she can. It's hard but we're making it, in a paycheck-to-paycheck kind of way. I was sick over the past couple of days and reading a lot of back posts, found a couple threads where guys were really slagging off single mothers as immoral, irresponsible, undesirable...pretty unfair stuff in my estimation. Some guys were talking about lions eating young. But some of it was right on, I mean having kids does change your dating situation in a big way. I can't have guys casually spend the night, I can't even go out that often unless I arrange it with my other sister first, I can never fall into that honeymoon focus where my world revolves around the guy that I see my friends doing because I always have to be responsible. Does this really make me that undesirable? I always thought my little sister made my life a lot tougher but a lot better too, I mean I love the kid like crazy and she is my blood. I think it's honorable that I'm taking care of my own. Never thought guys would be looking at us together and seeing her as a giant handicap, makes me kind of sad to think people see us that way.
bayouboi Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I won full custody of her a couple years back because our mom is a drug addict and incompetent, and her father (my stepfather) is dead. She's 8 and I'm 23. My middle sister also lives with us, she's 19 and going to school and out almost as much as she's in but she babysits and helps out a lot when she can. It's hard but we're making it, in a paycheck-to-paycheck kind of way. I was sick over the past couple of days and reading a lot of back posts, found a couple threads where guys were really slagging off single mothers as immoral, irresponsible, undesirable...pretty unfair stuff in my estimation. Some guys were talking about lions eating young. But some of it was right on, I mean having kids does change your dating situation in a big way. I can't have guys casually spend the night, I can't even go out that often unless I arrange it with my other sister first, I can never fall into that honeymoon focus where my world revolves around the guy that I see my friends doing because I always have to be responsible. Does this really make me that undesirable? I always thought my little sister made my life a lot tougher but a lot better too, I mean I love the kid like crazy and she is my blood. I think it's honorable that I'm taking care of my own. Never thought guys would be looking at us together and seeing her as a giant handicap, makes me kind of sad to think people see us that way. I was one of those posters whom didn't prefer a single mother. You would not be the type of single mother that I would discriminate against if I knew your story. My reasons were that I wanted my first children to be with someone whom it's their first and that I didn't want to feel like the woman got the seed of a man she was attracted to and then settled for me to take care of her and the child. In your case, you're taking care of your sister and it's very admirable.
linwood Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Does this really make me that undesirable? I always thought my little sister made my life a lot tougher but a lot better too, I mean I love the kid like crazy and she is my blood. I think it's honorable that I'm taking care of my own. Never thought guys would be looking at us together and seeing her as a giant handicap, makes me kind of sad to think people see us that way. Many if not most men will see you as undesirable because you have a kid. However you have a few things going for you. She`s not your biological daughter and that`s a point in your favor as many men want their own family this could still be an option for you. Also many men will admire the sacrifices you`ve made for your sister and in fact may find you more desirable because of it. Granted this is a very narrow field of men but they are usually the "Good Ones". My wife had lost her two boys when I met her and was going through the most brutal custody battle over them with her EX`s mother of all people. (Her EX didn`t want them) Her refusal to ever give up on her kids and the sacrifices,intelligence and cunning she displayed in re-gaining custody of them was the thing that showed me she was a worthy partner who would fight for me and our family if it was ever threatened. In fact it is what sealed the deal for me.
Lizzie60 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 You're 23 and you won custody of your step-sister a couple of years back.... gosh how old were you then?
lostsoulmate Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I am a single mom too. I understand how difficult it is just to met someone new. You will find those who find out you have children and run. So what. You will also find those who find out you have children and don't mind, are considerate to your time, love you kids, have fun, etc. Don't worry about what some think about single moms, the only person's opinoin about "you" that really matters is "yours". LOVE YOURSELF!!!!
Author Mutant Debutante Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 To me being pregnant and having a baby with a guy would be a huge deal, a really meaningful and emotional experience to share together. If I was dating a man who had a kid with a different woman I might feel a little insecure or threatened that he had shared such a meaningful thing with her that I couldn't really identify with, something way beyond sex. Is this the same kind of thing with you guys, why you would not want someone who had made a baby with someone else? Otherwise I can't see why it would matter that much other than the inconvenience of the mom having other responsibilities, a kid is a kid is a kid, even if it doesn't have your genes it might look up to you and love you. So is it the pregnancy experience or am I missing something? BTW just because a girl has a kid with someone else before she ever met you doesn't mean she was attracted to him and is settling for you, I'm sure that's the case sometimes but it's just as likely she really values you isn't it?
Engadget Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I'll be honest, it can be pretty undesirable. Obviously your situation it's NOT your actual daughter, so it's not so bad. I just would rather have time with me and the woman, not have a little brat jumping up and down being obnoxious. Although I do love MILFs
Author Mutant Debutante Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 You're 23 and you won custody of your step-sister a couple of years back.... gosh how old were you then? I was 21 when I officially got custody but my baby sister had been basically living with me for over a year off and on before that while I was trying to get legal custody. She also spent some time in a foster home, after my stepdad died. My stepdad had problems too but he a good guy in his way and pretty much the only one who could stabilize our mom. My middle sister was living with a neighbor for a while and one of her friends' parents, while she was a teenager. I wanted to pull us all back together. I was lucky because one of my stepdad's old family friends is a lawyer and he did a lot of pro bono work for us out of respect for my stepdad's memory and for the sake of my baby sister.
Author Mutant Debutante Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Don't worry about what some think about single moms, the only person's opinoin about "you" that really matters is "yours". LOVE YOURSELF!!!! Oh, I do, thanks. I'm pretty awesome if I do say so myself. Thanks, really. Good luck to you and your kid(s).
linwood Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 (edited) Otherwise I can't see why it would matter that much other than the inconvenience of the mom having other responsibilities, a kid is a kid is a kid, even if it doesn't have your genes it might look up to you and love you. So is it the pregnancy experience or am I missing something? It`s different from a male perspective. A kid is a kid is a kid isn`t true from ..well..my male perspective. As a step parent I can tell you that bonding with your own child is a far different experience from bonding with someone else`s child. The latter can be far more difficult if impossible. There`s also the male evolutionary drive to raise "His Own" children that should be considered. It may well be very difficult for a woman to understand. Genes matter. Edited April 17, 2010 by linwood
Agent Thomas Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 I don't care what anyone says. My gf is a single mother who has a son but the father is a useless suicidal criminal. But you know what? The fact that she chose to not have an abortion, the fact she had the strength and will power to raise it on her own... the fact she gives a damn about someone else, and is willing to raise someone who she could have easily given up for adoption, says a whole ****ing lot more than what most girls these days do/act.
Woggle Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 The fact that you provide your sister a good home when your birth parents failed makes you admirable instead of undesirable. If anybody misjudges you because of this they are an idiot. I don't view single parents in a negative light but what gets me is the mentality of some women that fathers and men are nothing more than disposable sperm donors and that a man can't be a real parent when that is just not true when it comes to many men. It doesn't seem that you share that view.
JustJoe Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 MD, I can't speak for other guys, but for me your committment to your family speaks LOADS, about your character, and would be a definite plus, were we to meet. You are a real , fine person, and should be proud!!:)
JerseyShortie Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 You are a special kind of person Debutante. You deserve mad accolades for being such a loving responsible young woman. You're little sister is gong to grow up knowng she had someone that loved her very much and that is so much more priceless then what a man might think. But I think you know that. I think the reasons some men are tough on single mothers is a lack of maturity and wanting responsiblity that comes with children. But there are alot of men out there that still date single mothers themselves and don't see kids as a deal breaker. This board and the guys on it tend to be really tough on women. What you've taken responsiblity for in your life says alot about your character.
Green Posted April 18, 2010 Posted April 18, 2010 So does she call you mom? Because with a title like "My sister is my daughter" I thought I was about to read a thread about how your father impregnated you. I think there is a big difference between your sitation where you have become the gaurdian of your little sister and the single mother situation the other thread was probably talking about. A big dealbreak for me with a single mother would be the emotional conection she would have with the father of her children. It would be one thing if she was a widow or was never going to see him again but I wouldn't want the drama of some other man being in my life... at least not while I'm in my twenties.
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