Men, porn and masturbating

[troggleputty]

Women know guys masturbate to porn and most of us do understand it's normal, but sometimes we feel threatened by it for whatever reason and just need some reassurance. Would you guys be willing to list some reasons we should not view our SO's masturbating to porn as a threat? Can you offer any words of advice to help us stop from feeling insecure about this?

 

Why should I tell you not to view porn/masturbation as a threat if you feel threatened by it?

 

If you feel threatened by certain things then you need to address why you feel threatened and what if anything you want to do about it.

 

However, your question does imply that as a woman, you have some prerogative or right to restrict your male partner's access to porn and/or masturbation activities.

 

Why on earth would any emotionally-healthy person believe that their partner should not have autonomy when it comes to something like masturbation?

 

I mean there are an awful lot of threads here where women complain about their partners masturbating, viewing porn, etc., with the subtext that somehow what the man is doing is "wrong."

 

Why do so many women feel a need to be so controlling?

[troggleputty]

Because porn hits women at all those natural questions they have about men, women, their bodies, and how they perform in the bedroom.

 

Well obviously it hits YOU there. But it's presumptuous for you to claim to speak for all women.

 

Because the women in the video represent an unrealistic fantasy ideal that men respond to.

 

Um, if it's an "unrealistic fantasy" then how could it possibly be at all threatening?

 

 

 

When you see your man responding to it, it's perfectly natural to wonder how you measure up when your man is showing that he likes something other women are doing or likes how other women look.

 

O.K. maybe it is natural to wonder. Especially if you don't believe that you "measure up" anyway. However your insecurities in your relationship obviously have little or nothing to do with porn. You're insecure, period.

 

I simply don't understand how anybody would be confused by porn getting any kind of reaction, no matter what it is. If a man can respond to porn enough to be turned on by it, even though it's just a video, it doesn't make any sense to say that other reactions to it isn't just as understandable.

 

What you just said doesn't make any sense at all. If looking at porn bothers you, because looking at all those beautiful women makes you feel insecure, then stop looking at it. However your insecurity doesn't give you any right to stop someone else from looking at it.

 

If you feel yourself to be unattractive compared to porn women, then do something about it. It sounds like you have a lack of self-esteem. That has nothing to do with porn. However you've chosen to focus your lack of self esteem on porn.

 

That would be like someone saying: " I simply don't understand how anyone can feel sexually turned on by a video." It's the message in the video that is key.

 

It's simpler than that. It basically sounds like you feel inferior in your physical appearance to porn actresses. IOW you're jealous of them because you feel they're better looking than you, and that threatens you.

 

Get over it.

 

 

It's a multi-billion dollar industry. Men are spending more time looking at porn then ever before in history. I know men would like to believe that they don't value their porn but just look at the facts. Men do value their porn.

 

 

The only man's porn habit that should be of any concern to you is your own man's. Don't try to make this some societal mission or crusade. It's not. This is all about your own personal feelings of insecurity with respect to porn.

 

 

 

So if a man can't look at porn he is going to screw around on you?

 

 

If you think your man might screw around on you, then that's what you should address. If you're not afraid of that, why did you even bother to say this?

[Jersey Shortie]

Well obviously it hits YOU there. But it's presumptuous for you to claim to speak for all women.

Where did I say I speak for "all" women. I speak for alot of women though. Certainly not all. And yes, porn DOES hit women at all those natural questions they have about men, women, their bodies, and how they perform in the bedroom.

 

Um, if it's an "unrealistic fantasy" then how could it possibly be at all threatening?

 

Men have developed expectations about women, their bodies, and performance from porn. Because after all, men want to do what they see in the porn.

 

The average age a boy starts looking at porn is 11. That is alot of developmental years he is spending indulging in a medium that doesn't really give out a very nice message about women.

 

O.K. maybe it is natural to wonder. Especially if you don't believe that you "measure up" anyway. However your insecurities in your relationship obviously have little or nothing to do with porn. You're insecure, period.

 

Never denied having insecurities! Doesn't make what I say any less true or rational or "natural". I will say that men that vemontly defend pornography also have their own insecurities. Infact, pornography has alot to do with male insecurity. We all know porn is a huge weakness for men. Lets not try to pretend it makes a man more strong, noble, trustworthy, a better partner and companion.

 

JS: I simply don't understand how anybody would be confused by porn getting any kind of reaction, no matter what it is. If a man can respond to porn enough to be turned on by it, even though it's just a video, it doesn't make any sense to say that other reactions to it isn't just as understandable.

 

Toggle: What you just said doesn't make any sense at all.

 

Sure it does. Alot of men down-play their porn out of their own insecurities. Things like "it's just pixels on a screen" get said. If these same men really believe they were just "pixels on a screen", they wouldn't have their own physical response to it. But they do! So to sit there and tell women they shouldn't have their own reaction to it because it's "just pixels on a screen" is so SO hypocitical because those pixels on the screen seem to draw ALOT of response from men.

 

It's simpler than that. It basically sounds like you feel inferior in your physical appearance to porn actresses. IOW you're jealous of them because you feel they're better looking than you, and that threatens you.

 

Get over it.

Sometimes, yes. There are some gorgeous women in porn and I don't measure up. There is a certain unrealistic standard in porn that men seem to covet and feed off of. Then you get even average joes believing they deserve beauty queens. Instead of appreciating the real women that love them. I'm not jealous of them. I am not looking for the attention of a thousand men. I am just asking that the man that says he loves me focus on me and not every other woman he doesn't have. We all know how visual men are and how easily swayed men are when it comes to a pretty face. So yes, that is a totally 100% natural threat.

 

 

JS: It's a multi-billion dollar industry. Men are spending more time looking at porn then ever before in history. I know men would like to believe that they don't value their porn but just look at the facts. Men do value their porn.

 

Toggle: The only man's porn habit that should be of any concern to you is your own man's. Don't try to make this some societal mission or crusade. It's not. This is all about your own personal feelings of insecurity with respect to porn.

 

Actually, the statement I made above has nothing to do with insecurtiy. Men are spending more time looking at more porn more then ever. That's a fact and it's kind of sad. And I think you know it. That's why you avoid directly commenting on what was said and and choose to make a irrational personal attack.

 

Now, I might have personal insecurities, just as you clearly do and everyone else on this board does. But don't abuse my openness about that and my honesty by making every thing into your irrational logic about wanting to blame everything on "insecurity" in a childish attempt to discredit my opinion.

 

If you think your man might screw around on you, then that's what you should address. If you're not afraid of that, why did you even bother to say this?

 

What in the world are you talking about? Another man on this thread said something along the lines of " ..at least he isn't cheating." So if men can't look at porn they cheat? That's the options women have?

[ComeUndone]

Why should I tell you not to view porn/masturbation as a threat if you feel threatened by it?

 

If you feel threatened by certain things then you need to address why you feel threatened and what if anything you want to do about it.

 

However, your question does imply that as a woman, you have some prerogative or right to restrict your male partner's access to porn and/or masturbation activities.

 

Why on earth would any emotionally-healthy person believe that their partner should not have autonomy when it comes to something like masturbation?

 

I mean there are an awful lot of threads here where women complain about their partners masturbating, viewing porn, etc., with the subtext that somehow what the man is doing is "wrong."

 

Why do so many women feel a need to be so controlling?

 

How does my question imply that I feel I have the right to put restrictions on his masturbation? Re-read my post. My question addresses my insecurities with it and how to deal with those. As I stated before, I don't dump my insecurities with porn on him, even if they are justified.

[Els]

Some of you guys are being way too harsh on the OP. She's actually trying to fix any potential insecurities on her own (hence posting here) instead of going bananas on the bf. That deserves applause in my book.

[eric82]

Jersey Shortie, so if one of your complaints is that porn consists of unrealistic fantasies, how do you feel about amateur porn? How about softcore? Or even sex scenes in regular movies? I'm trying to understand where you're coming from.

[phineas]

pro porn bores me.

It's the same thing over & over again.

 

I don't even watch it anymore.

Amateur porn is what I watch.

 

regular women with their boyfriends getting freaky on a cell phone or video camera.

[homersheineken]

Oh my god... NOT AGAIN...

 

Exactly what I thought:lmao:

[eric82]

Jersey Shortie, so if one of your complaints is that porn consists of unrealistic fantasies, how do you feel about amateur porn? How about softcore? Or even sex scenes in regular movies? I'm trying to understand where you're coming from.

bump for response

[dreamingoftigers]

BUMP Bring up my post

[You'reasian]

 

Well, I actually think that can be the case. If a man suffers from low-self esteem, he'll turn to porn where the women are willing and happy to do anything he pleases and he doesn't have to interact with a real woman where he might think he will fail. I think male porn use is just as much about insecurity often times.

 

Honestly, its more about getting their rocks off. You're really reaching. Especially considering your not a man (unless you really are?)

[dreamingoftigers]

My H is the almost worst-case scenario for what happens with porn. I agree with JS.

 

If people really want to say that porn has no ill effect on men perhaps they hould read In the Shadow of the Net. For starters.

 

Some people are more susceptible to things and men are very susceptible to visual input. Fortunately we are all capable to neural plasticity and can change.

 

Pornography has changed my sex-life and not in a good way permanently.

I will never again feel cool or confident in the sack knowing I can never measure up to the fantasy whores that get streamed into my living room. Even if i change sexual partners that problem is so wide-spread. How could I do anything that a man would truly appreciate?

[You'reasian]

Some people are more susceptible to things and men are very susceptible to visual input. Fortunately we are all capable to neural plasticity and can change.

 

Pornography has changed my sex-life and not in a good way permanently.

I will never again feel cool or confident in the sack knowing I can never measure up to the fantasy whores that get streamed into my living room. Even if i change sexual partners that problem is so wide-spread. How could I do anything that a man would truly appreciate?

 

You seem to feel in competition with porn and therefore inadequate. If you've satisfied a partner before, you're adequate and if you've done so multiple times, you are more than adequate.

 

Consider that a man would feel inadequate because of the vast female sex toy industry. Most of us don't. I think we're able to compartmentalize what we can and can't do, do what we have to and be satisfied. Don't know any fellow dudes who are constantly hung like a donkey, can spin, vibrate, generate rabbit ears and glow in the dark

 

Chances are you are more than adequate. Enjoy!

[linwood]

How could I do anything that a man would truly appreciate?

 

Men appreciate women with enough self worth to think themselves more desirable/capable than pixels on a screen.

[dreamingoftigers]

You seem to feel in competition with porn and therefore inadequate. If you've satisfied a partner before, you're adequate and if you've done so multiple times, you are more than adequate.

 

Consider that a man would feel inadequate because of the vast female sex toy industry. Most of us don't. I think we're able to compartmentalize what we can and can't do, do what we have to and be satisfied. Don't know any fellow dudes who are constantly hung like a donkey, can spin, vibrate, generate rabbit ears and glow in the dark

 

Chances are you are more than adequate. Enjoy!

 

perhaps I should elaborate a little more on my story. My husband chooses actively to sit and play with himself in front of a computer instead of making love to me and has done so for years.

 

So no I do not feel adequate and it is not just based on insecurity but fact.

[A O]

My husband chooses actively to sit and play with himself in front of a computer instead of making love to me and has done so for years.

So who's the bigger the fool - the guy that whacks off to a computer screen or the woman that puts up with it?

 

.

[dazzle22]

So who's the bigger the fool - the guy that whacks off to a computer screen or the woman that puts up with it?

 

.

 

 

Well, that kind of makes it a total lose/lose for DOT....read her log...very difficult situation. She has a baby with him, and he pointedly tells her he wants whores on line not her.

 

So she should just dump him, be alone with a baby, instead of asking him to stop what has clearly become an addiction and salvage a marriage?

 

Are you suggesting that is what all of us should do? Just dump guys right and left because we won't put up with it? We just want men who are interested in us and show they PREFER us to whores on line.. if you aren't getting any, that's different...

[Jersey Shortie]

Honestly, its more about getting their rocks off. You're really reaching. Especially considering your not a man (unless you really are?)

 

Ask any expert with a degree. Porn is a huge industry that survives on the insecurity and distatisfaction of the people who view it to keep turning back to it. It draws both a physical and emotional response in people. And by emotional, I clearly don't mean feelings of love. But other emotions for sure. Porn pretty much showcases every male insecurity and hyper-extends it to create a fantasy world where all the women are goregeous, the man can always get it up, always perform, and all the girl wants to do is suck his dick because he is just so wonderful. Porn feeds into every man's natural insecurity about his ability to perform and statisfy a woman.

 

Men appreciate women with enough self worth to think themselves more desirable/capable than pixels on a screen.

 

And women appreciate a man with enough self worth and self control to be happy with real life and not have to turn to pornography to make himself feel good. By the way, you keep saying they are just pixels on a screen, insinuating that a woman shouldn't have a reaction to it. But if they are just pixels on a screen, then why would men also react to them or defend them as dogidly as most men do. If they are just pixels on a screen, there is no reason for a man to get a woody over it right?

[A O]

Well, that kind of makes it a total lose/lose for DOT....read her log...very difficult situation. She has a baby with him, and he pointedly tells her he wants whores on line not her.

This guy is clearly dysfunctional and yet not only does she still continue to live with him, but she has a child to this guy as well. For the sake of the child - get out!!!

 

So she should just dump him, be alone with a baby, instead of asking him to stop what has clearly become an addiction and salvage a marriage?

Happens all the time.

 

Are you suggesting that is what all of us should do? Just dump guys right and left because we won't put up with it?

First off, dumping never entered my mind (but when you told me a lil more about her man then that's clearly become the wisest thing to do IMO). The foolishness of not setting boundaries is what I saw first and foremost here. Anyone who doesn't set clear boundaries is a doormat waiting to happen!

 

We just want men who are interested in us and show they PREFER us to whores on line.

Any man that thinks of women as whores or actually prefers these types over his woman is a man that any woman with any ounce of sense would dump in a heartbeat. There's moronic guys like this around because there's idiot women who put up with them.

 

.

[A O]

Ask any expert with a degree. Porn is a huge industry that survives on the insecurity and distatisfaction of the people who view it to keep turning back to it.

Porn survives on the natural instinct of men. No different to how the cosmetics and fashion industries survives on the natural instinct of woman. Within these two dynamics, you're going to find insecure people for sure, but they're hardly the majority.

 

 

.

[Jaytb]

Ask any expert with a degree.

 

What "expert with a degree" agrees completely with this:

 

 

Porn is a huge industry that survives on the insecurity and distatisfaction of the people who view it to keep turning back to it. It draws both a physical and emotional response in people. And by emotional, I clearly don't mean feelings of love. But other emotions for sure. Porn pretty much showcases every male insecurity and hyper-extends it to create a fantasy world where all the women are goregeous, the man can always get it up, always perform, and all the girl wants to do is suck his dick because he is just so wonderful. Porn feeds into every man's natural insecurity about his ability to perform and statisfy a woman.

[eric82]

Jersey Shortie, so if your complaints are that porn consists of unrealistic fantasies that are based on insecurities, how do you feel about amateur porn?

[ComeUndone]

I'm sure I'm going to get attacked for this, but I believe most of what JS says is spot on. Sorry, but look around at what so many women are going through... and I myself have dealt with several SO's that had some level of addiction with porn, one that negatively impacted our relationship/sex life. And before anyone says that that was all in my head due to insecurities with myself or some other BS... not the case. I don't claim to be perfect, but this was not my problem.

 

No, I am not saying all men have an issue with porn, but I do feel like just about all of 'em watch it. I also think that the porn industry is creating some real issues out there for humankind. It's just not a realistic representation for the average sex life of a man and a woman. Maybe some can separate the virtual world from the real one, not all, and from what I see it's getting worse. I have friends who's husbands prefer masturbating to their material over having sex with heir wives. It's very sad. Women can't compete, and don't tell me it can't be labeled as a competition because in plenty of instances that's exactly what it is. If he prefers to orgasm to those pixels then often times there is nothing left for his SO. Am I wrong?

 

In my relationship now, I put up with the porn because I think 99% of men out there view it and I wholeheartedly believe that if you try to get them to stop watching it for whatever reason, they will only get sneakier with their viewing habits. For me it works better just going with the flow rather than fighting them... at least this way I am kept in the loop. I gain nothing by talking to him about it. It's too strong of a desire and it's right there at their fingertips any time they want.

[A O]

Amateur porn quite often isn't amateur at all. Its simply individuals or small independent outfits doing what the bigger players are doing. They're still looking to make money out of it though.

 

.

[ComeUndone]

Jersey Shortie, so if your complaints are that porn consists of unrealistic fantasies that are based on insecurities, how do you feel about amateur porn?

 

Why would amateur porn be any different?