Men, porn and masturbating

[Engadget]

I wish my H was more like you guys. He prefers porn to me.

 

He even has gotten out of bed at 3 am to go look at porn when I was sleeping even though he knew he could wake me up. We didn't make love for months.

 

I tried everything, eventually he told me "it isn't that you don't do enough, it's that porn is always fresh and new and even if you do new things it is still just you." "You have the nicest vagina I have ever seen in real life, but it can't compare to the images and the lighting that porn has."

 

So for some women, like me, the insecurity might very well be justified.

 

Yeah, in your case you're probably right. I'm sure that the problem there goes deeper than porn though. My ex and I barely had sex when we were together for the last months, but when we broke up had it constantly. People are weird.

 

Sometimes in a long relationship people get bored, sadly. Maybe don't have that same initial passion for their partner.

[Rorschach]

I wish my H was more like you guys. He prefers porn to me.

 

He even has gotten out of bed at 3 am to go look at porn when I was sleeping even though he knew he could wake me up. We didn't make love for months.

 

I tried everything, eventually he told me "it isn't that you don't do enough, it's that porn is always fresh and new and even if you do new things it is still just you." "You have the nicest vagina I have ever seen in real life, but it can't compare to the images and the lighting that porn has."

 

So for some women, like me, the insecurity might very well be justified.

 

Sounds like your concerns may very well be justified, but that whole 'you can wake me up' is complete crap, only once has that ever gone well for me out of 10s of tries XD And the only reason it went well is I didn't wake her up I just started eating her out so she woke up to being really wet with me already down on her....

 

I miss doing that

[Bartender]

I tried everything, eventually he told me "it isn't that you don't do enough, it's that porn is always fresh and new and even if you do new things it is still just you." "You have the nicest vagina I have ever seen in real life, but it can't compare to the images and the lighting that porn has."

 

 

oh WOW!! I couldn't be that upfront and honest with a G/F or wife if you paid me

 

he left no more questions to be asked

[Engadget]

Sounds like your concerns may very well be justified, but that whole 'you can wake me up' is complete crap, only once has that ever gone well for me out of 10s of tries XD And the only reason it went well is I didn't wake her up I just started eating her out so she woke up to being really wet with me already down on her....

 

I miss doing that

 

I used to try it with my ex, but when she was dead asleep she would push me away and be surprised when I told her later on, it was funny.

[ComeUndone]

Just talk to us, tell us what this 'whatever reason' is and we'll see if we can reach some sort of consensus...

 

I don't know exactly, probably has a lot to do with my ex and his porn issue (above an beyond "normal usage"). I don't complain to my bf about it or ever give him a hard time, it's actually quite the opposite where we talk very openly about porn. It's just that occasionally I feel that I'm not as interesting or can't excite him in a way that his video-women can. Just an inner feeling that I'd love to get rid of, thus the reason for my thread.

Edited April 15, 2010 by ComeUndone

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Women know guys masturbate to porn and most of us do understand it's normal, but sometimes we feel threatened by it for whatever reason and just need some reassurance. Would you guys be willing to list some reasons we should not view our SO's masturbating to porn as a threat? Can you offer any words of advice to help us stop from feeling insecure about this?

 

 

No, you'll never stop feeling insecure about it, but consider the following:

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2425314#post2425314

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1979623&postcount=15

[bac]

Have you ever thought about watching porno and mastabating yourself?

There are a lot of hot guys especially in gay porno. Those guys are really hard, big, athletic and handsome.

I am curious if this type of BF can be jealous that his GF gets horny for the hot guys?

[gypsy_nicky]

if my current GF werent available for sex, then yes I'd use porn.

 

I usually look for chicks that look like her though lol.

 

So when she comes demanding I'll say: 'but the girl looks like you'.

 

I see porn like violent/horror/action movies. you like watching it but you don't/wouldn't want to participate in it.

[A O]

I don't know exactly, probably has a lot to do with my ex and his porn issue (above an beyond "normal usage").

Well, in some ways it doesn't matter why you have an issue with it, just that you do - and can express as much.

 

I don't complain to my bf about it or ever give him a hard time, it's actually quite the opposite where we talk very openly about porn. It's just that occasionally I feel that I'm not as interesting or can't excite him in a way that his video-women can. Just an inner feeling that I'd love to get rid of, thus the reason for my thread.

Its good that you guys can talk openly about this subject, its a step more than most people can. I assume that you've already told him this, if not then its best you do, if you can. Then he can talk about how he sees porn and between the two of you (expressing how you feel), maybe y'all come to understand the other side and hopefully, y'all be able to work things out from there. The trick is to be able to communicate, to be able to talk through any issue that arises. If you can't do this then you've got bigger problems than porn. If you can do this and neither of you can come to an amicable agreement, then that indicates a lack of compatibility on this issue and depending on how bigger a deal this is to you, you might have to move on.

 

 

.

[ComeUndone]

Well, in some ways it doesn't matter why you have an issue with it, just that you do - and can express as much.

 

Its good that you guys can talk openly about this subject, its a step more than most people can. I assume that you've already told him this, if not then its best you do, if you can. Then he can talk about how he sees porn and between the two of you (expressing how you feel), maybe y'all come to understand the other side and hopefully, y'all be able to work things out from there. The trick is to be able to communicate, to be able to talk through any issue that arises. If you can't do this then you've got bigger problems than porn. If you can do this and neither of you can come to an amicable agreement, then that indicates a lack of compatibility on this issue and depending on how bigger a deal this is to you, you might have to move on.

 

I could definitely talk to him about it if I chose to, and he would listen, but I'll be honest - I think the draw to porn is just too much and because of that I would not even bring up this occasional insecurity. I would rather him feel comfortable in sharing with me than me spoiling that by addressing this. Mostly I am okay with it, but whatever else I need to deal with on my own.

 

I appreciate all the input. Anything else you guys can add to help women understand better, please do.

[A O]

I could definitely talk to him about it if I chose to, and he would listen, but I'll be honest - I think the draw to porn is just too much and because of that I would not even bring up this occasional insecurity.

You have a problem. Problems are better out than in otherwise they tend to fester. Despite what many on this board may think, your average guy won't immediately think that this an insecurity issue. They'll just see it as a problem that if they care about you, they'll at least attempt to address or otherwise won't make you feel bad for bringing it up. Either way, its best that he knows that porn is an issue for you at times (if not all the time).

 

I would rather him feel comfortable in sharing with me than me spoiling that by addressing this.

You should get comfortable with, get in the habit of, voicing whatever concern is on your mind (assuming that you're not a drama queen who finds problems in anything and everything of course). Not wanting to rock the boat, so to speak, will come back to haunt you in bucket loads in time.

 

Anything else you guys can add to help women understand better, please do.

Porn isn't about you.

 

.

[Jambalaya]

I've never been threatened by a man masturbating to porn. I have done so myself.

 

I've watched porn with my boyfriend too.

 

I've watched bad porn with friends and laughed.

 

Sometimes I'll ask him if he has recently, just to make him blush and to make him blush further, I'll get him to tell me about it.

 

Porn used as an aid to masturbation is fine - it get you there faster LOL Porn used as a constant ambient theme in their lives is a problem.

[phineas]

 

Porn used as an aid to masturbation is fine - it get you there faster LOL Porn used as a constant ambient theme in their lives is a problem.[/QUOTE]

 

This.

 

I like your attitude.

 

EVERY woman i've ever been with that was anti-porn in a militant way was very sexually reserved in bed.

 

Was uncomfortable receiving oral.

Refused to give oral.

Lights off sex.

missionary position only.

 

Did I say reserved?

I meant boring.

[Jersey Shortie]

Phineas, I don't like porn and I am far from reserved and have tried many things in the bedroom.

 

I just sincerely think with the boom of the internet, there is a huge problem today concering pornography and men and how heavily and increasingly men have come to use it. It use to be a magazine once a month. That's not the caes anymore. It's more like a regular diet that men use to suppplement within their relationships. Some days porn, some days a real woman, sometimes both together. What happened to enjoying sexuality and a real person and not conforming to what a media standard is trying to sell you?

 

I know some of you will try to mock me and make fun of me, but no one here can deny that today's men spend more time viewing more porn and alot of it is more graphic then before. As a woman, it is threatening. You can't help but wonder where a guy's head is at and who he is really with if you see examples of all these off the cuff thigns he wants to enjoy "visually" through millions upon millions of other women.

 

Just as the sex on the video is a simulation to turn you on, it can be a simulation for other biological responses for women too. Such as seeing your man seeking out and getting off to other women. Please don't try and say "it's jsut a video" and not hold the expectation that some women shouldn't have certain responses towards it when men themselves clearly have resposnes to it. Porn isn't exactly about champion indivudal women's beauty of celebrating "normal" women.

 

I don't think it's fair how whenever we bring this topic up, we justfy men's biological tendencies and how men need this or not but we sort of shame women into not letting them have their own feelings without telling them the yare just prudes or insecure or that they just need to shut up and pretend it doesn't exsist because ultimate, a man wants his porn and there is nothing coming inbetween him and it. We never talk about what women need or their own biological responses to seeing their guy visually seek out other women. And if the men here are honest enough with themselves, seeing your guy get off to so many different women, some extremely beautiful, it sucks. If your partner is meeting most of your needs, why would you even need porn? Unless you infact did get somethign from it, unless the women in the movie that men enjoy to view, didn't in a way give men something they felt they didn't have from their own partner?

 

World kind of sucks today. But not just for women. Because while issues with porn can have just as much to do with female insecurity, porn has so much to do with male insecurity. Porn takes every male insecurity and makes it seem like it doesn't exsist. All the women are beautiful and love everything a man does to her because he is so wonderful and his penis is so special. The men are mostly the ones displayed in the position of control and power over the little female who can't help but love everything he does. Hello, that all feeds into male insecurity. Lets at least be honest about that.

 

I really think too many guys have developed a dependencey that has developed since men were young teens, that has shaped their views of sex because so many men have been looking at it even since their formative years. And that is also threatening considering the messages porn gives out about women. You can personally attack me or insult me but I think many of you can see the turth in this.

 

Engadget

Men are constantly horny. If you have sex with him, and aren't there 3 hours later and he's horny, he'll use porn.

 

I've NEVER heard of women having an issue with porn until this site, and Jersey Shortie comprises the majority of the complaints.

 

Then why have sex with him Engadget? Why not just let the guy use porn? He can be very happy. After all, it supplies all his fantasy needs even sometimes with hotter girls then his own gf. What's better then that right?

 

As for me being the only one that complains. Not true. If you are going to use this website and the internet as your guidelines, there are forums all over this WWW. with women facing porn issues concerning men. But none of you really want to listen to women's concerns or try to understand why it's a hard issue for them. What it seems many men are saying is basically this: "men are visual and that's why we are going to like porn and what you feel and need doesn't matter because a man's desire to view porn is bigger. And if you are insecure about me jerking off to the 18 year old with the implants too bad. I like her, she is hot. I like you too but she is really freaking hot." Most of you are standing up for porn, defending porn. It's so strange to me. When this subject comes up I don't see men who are their partner's side. Because you all seem to be pretty hardcore about your need and desire to have porn over the experiences real women go through. Some of you even call the women in porn names and condemn them! Even though yuo get pleasure from them! What is up with that? Do you really think it should make your woman feel better that you look your nose down on women you get pleasure from what they do?

 

It's just so strange. Men turn into white knights for their porn, not for the women in their lives that really need them. For once, I'd sincerely love to see a man who really wanted to be there for his girl. Instead of his porn. But more times then not, men want to be there for their porn. Men are allowed to cater to their whims and fancies and women are suppose to be the strong ones that use self control if they are hurt over this topic.

 

By the way, if you guys want to know why women can be insecure about, here is why:

 

Mr. White

Every once in a while I'd look, but mostly because I'm bored or to release the variety valve.

 

You like variety. That is threatening. Because by saying you like variety you might as well just tell her that no one woman is good enough because what you like about each woman is how different they are and that makes your woman at home less special.

 

You might be with us but that doesn't stop you from liking variety and it doesn't stop a woman from feeling threatened by what the possiblies hold regarding that.

 

Rorschach

I have a certain kink that is flat out impossible to act out, when my gf learned of me looking at porn of it she always felt like she couldn't possibly live up, which I can understand her position but we as men don't look at it that way. C'mon it's just pixels on a screen to us XD

 

Impossible sexual acts that we can't compete with. Some woman on screen can provide you with something we just can't. And usually, she is way hotter. If they were just pixels on a screen to men, then men wouldn't responde enough to get horny and excited over them and men wouldn't be defending it like many of you are. They aren't just pixels on a screen. They are real women that men in relationships are thinking about sometimes.

 

Alphamale:

 

…well sometimes they are

 

In response to Engadget who said that it didn’t mean the woman in the video is hotter.

 

We want you to think we are beautiful and sexy and wonderful. But how are we suppose to feel knowing you are purposely seeking out images of other women you consider more beautiful? There are some things that are a direct hit at a man's masculinity and ego. And there are some things that are a direct hit a a woman's femininity. To be beautiful, is to be a feminine. We know how much the visual matters to men. And that's why this is threatening.

 

Rorrchach

Yeah sometimes they are

 

Echoing Alphamale's comments. Confirming what we know.

 

So fine, we all know men are never going to stop looking. Don't lie to us or yourselves and act like women don't have anything to be worried about or not feel insecure at times when the these are the reasons men look at porn.

 

So that they can have variety, more beautiful women, more intereting sexual acts, and so that they don't *really* cheat on us.

 

Please no personal attacks. My post is very raw and honest.

[phineas]

Jersey - Tried or regularly do?

 

There is a difference.

There is ALWAYS an exception to the rule, however it's been my experiance that women who hate porn are boring in bed.

 

My STBXW & I watched porn & performed some of the moves. Their actually more work than fun, but she had no problem doing it on the couch, coffee table, floor, wherever there was room & in any position we happened to find ourselves in.

Even the back porch.

Edited April 15, 2010 by phineas

[Jersey Shortie]

Well, yuo don't always like everything you try. Some things stick around and some don't. That's fine that that was your experience but I don't think you have to like porn to be so sexually wonderful. Infact, I've had awful awful sex with men that clearly were taking their cues from porn and they thought they were doing such a great job. I know many other women that have had these experieces too.

[eraser]

I've watched bad porn with friends and laughed.

 

I thought I was the only one who did this with my friends. This stuff is funnier than 98% of comedy films. I mean, come on...

[phineas]

Well, yuo don't always like everything you try. Some things stick around and some don't. That's fine that that was your experience but I don't think you have to like porn to be so sexually wonderful. Infact, I've had awful awful sex with men that clearly were taking their cues from porn and they thought they were doing such a great job. I know many other women that have had these experieces too.

 

I agree.

A lot of Porn moves are uncomfortable & basically impossible unless the woman weighs 90lbs & the guy is 12 inches long. LOL!

 

Their also for viewing pleasure as opposed to the womans pleasure.

I know this.

 

Some guys who watch porn apparantly don't I guess.

[Rorschach]

Impossible sexual acts that we can't compete with. Some woman on screen can provide you with something we just can't. And usually, she is way hotter. If they were just pixels on a screen to men, then men wouldn't responde enough to get horny and excited over them and men wouldn't be defending it like many of you are. They aren't just pixels on a screen. They are real women that men in relationships are thinking about sometimes.

 

 

I'm not going to question your own personal beliefs, because I respect that you feel so strongly about something. But in my case when I say physically impossible I mean no woman in the world does this, I just have to get my rocks off to artists impressions of what this might be like.

 

Its just a kink, I'm still extremely attracted to sex in the 'normal' sense, but when I have that itch I can't scratch with regular women I turn to porn. As far as 'regular' porn goes I never watch it when I'm in a relationship because my woman does everything those women do, but in real life. So I can't really speak on that.

[You Go Girl]

I don't think it's the porn itself that bothers most women. Out in the open, a little --NOT TOO MUCH--with your gal is ok. Nothing degrading, used to get the excitement going, or watched because it is stupid and funny, all those things are ok, in moderation, geez, not everyday!

Sneaking, lying, hiding, a second life with imaginary gf's...that's a problem. That's what my H did.

Newleyweds, and I'm trying to figure out why is he hiding his computer doings.

And me--WILD in bed.

So what's up with that?

Porn was never even discussed. Never did he suggest we watch it together.

Then when I finally find out what he's doing--what all the sneaking is about--he lies lies lies.

Still doesn't want to watch it with me.

Tells me it's all shame, and self-loathing.

Yeah right, as if he's feeling self-loathing when he's hunting for the porn pick for masturbation that day.

 

Somebody explain that to me.

[eraser]

Tells me it's all shame, and self-loathing.

 

It sounds like he has an addiction to it.

[Jersey Shortie]

I'm not going to question your own personal beliefs, because I respect that you feel so strongly about something. But in my case when I say physically impossible I mean no woman in the world does this, I just have to get my rocks off to artists impressions of what this might be like.

 

Its just a kink, I'm still extremely attracted to sex in the 'normal' sense, but when I have that itch I can't scratch with regular women I turn to porn. As far as 'regular' porn goes I never watch it when I'm in a relationship because my woman does everything those women do, but in real life. So I can't really speak on that.

 

Well, I just think that most men can understand why women have the questions they do about porn. And I think most men can understand that there has been an increase in porn use over the past decade. It's no longer about just a magazine. That was kind of sucky enough because the images of the girls are perfect. But now there is just a whole world of things out there that are scarey and that even younger kids have access to. I think I read that most young boys start looking at porn at age 11. That's alot of years developmentally that they are soaking up information from porn.

 

Tells me it's all shame, and self-loathing.

Yeah right, as if he's feeling self-loathing when he's hunting for the porn pick for masturbation that day.

 

Well, I actually think that can be the case. If a man suffers from low-self esteem, he'll turn to porn where the women are willing and happy to do anything he pleases and he doesn't have to interact with a real woman where he might think he will fail. I think male porn use is just as much about insecurity often times.

[Rorschach]

Well, I just think that most men can understand why women have the questions they do about porn. And I think most men can understand that there has been an increase in porn use over the past decade. It's no longer about just a magazine. That was kind of sucky enough because the images of the girls are perfect. But now there is just a whole world of things out there that are scarey and that even younger kids have access to. I think I read that most young boys start looking at porn at age 11. That's alot of years developmentally that they are soaking up information from porn.

 

I'd agree with that, and I certainly understand why women feel about porn the way they do. I make an effort to not look at much porn when in a relationship because of it. I think guys should make an effort to talk to their GFs about this stuff and make sure that nobody feels insecure about it. For me it always kinda felt like, no matter how often I have sex at some point I'm going to want sex when you aren't around/aren't interested, therefor at some point in life I'm going to masturbate, and if I'm going to masturbate anyway I might as well look at porn. The problems only really start (in my world, not all mens) if I would actually choose porn over my girlfriend.

 

Hasn't happened yet for me but I could see that as a serious problem in a relationship. Oh and one GF I had did take some nudie pictures for me to use instead of porn, and I used those a good amount of the time.

[Jersey Shortie]

For me it always kinda felt like, no matter how often I have sex at some point I'm going to want sex when you aren't around/aren't interested, therefor at some point in life I'm going to masturbate, and if I'm going to masturbate anyway I might as well look at porn. The problems only really start (in my world, not all mens) if I would actually choose porn over my girlfriend.

 

Yes, in the real world you can't always have everyone of your needs fullfilled the second you need it.

 

How I intreprut that is the second a girl isn't around, has her back turned or can't fullfill a man's wish on command, he has to turn to another outlet because he shouldn't be expected to execise a bit of self control. Am I saying you should go forever without sex? No way. But what happened to waiting?

 

It's not fair or right when men and women act on every little twinge they feel. And it's not cool to defend acting on thing under "well she/he isn't around to fullfill *me*". This just might be a reflection of society in general. There is no more self control. If a person feels it, they need to act on it. It's easy to be monogmous if you have an outlet that caters to a cornocopia of women to choose from and self pleasure to. What ever happened to self control and maybe, just maybe, not self-gratifying on any number of things the second someone feels a twinge for it?

 

I undestand men like sex and women. And that's wonderful but I think men don't understand the power they have there and how that power can be a bit threatening. The amount of things men justify under what they *feel* sexually. And how much men seem to expect women to curb what they feel here to appease him.

 

Hasn't happened yet for me but I could see that as a serious problem in a relationship. Oh and one GF I had did take some nudie pictures for me to use instead of porn, and I used those a good amount of the time.

 

A good amount of time but I am sure it didn't completely stop you from viewing porn and other women. So women can be all these wonderful things and do all these wildly sexual things and take pictures of themselves naked but it doesn't stop men from ever wanting other women or wanting to phsyically get off to other women. No matter the effort you put into it as a woman to be an exciting partner, it's just not good enough for guys today. Not when you got a billion other different women waiting just for you on the internet willing to do anything your little heart wants.

[Rorschach]

I don't know how I can better explain then men just view it differently then women do. Not that that makes it right or anything, but guys just don't view porn in the same way women view it. Just a core difference I guess. It's really too bad.