What Would You Do.....

[confusedinkansas]

if that were true, you wouldn't fixate on your affair partner so much in this forum

.

 

It's not a fixation Dex - It's just a topic of conversation. A question. I'm curious how others would handle a situation or if it's happened to them as well.

Since you know me so well Dex, I guess that's how you would be knowledgable on how I feel, what I think & how my marriage is going.

 

 

I don't get why people would even acknowledge them at all? Why wouldn't you just completely ignore them?

 

This would be exactly what I would do as well. And it is EXACTLY what I did do when it happened before.

 

Considering the fact that he has tried numerous times to contact me & I have ignored him - I am just tossing out a question IN CASE it happens again & he does say "Hello" this time. I'm not going to adjust my lifestyle just in case I should happen to bump into him at a public place. The odds are pretty good that it may happen again.

 

I most definitely would not just walk up to him & begin a conversation. I have no interest at all in that.

[Snowflower]

 

If it's not a total threadjack, what about running into people that were enablers of the affair?

 

A few months ago my H and I ran into a woman who was a good friend of the OW, who also worked where they both used to work. She supported the OW through the death of her H, and my H and she communicated about some of the arrangements to notify other former work colleagues of the death/funeral.

 

There is no doubt she knew of the A although my H says they have never directly discussed the A but it was obvious she knew how close they were.

 

Anyway we ran into her unexpectedly and she and my H had an animated discussion. I worked out who she was fairly quickly and after 5 mins she held out her hand to me and started to introduce herself at which point my H jumped in and completed the introduction. We chatted for a while and moved on. I couldn't help myself but I must have rolled my eyes a couple of times as it became obvious that she was very uncomfortable talking with me.

 

Anyway about 3 weeks ago she actually started work at my H's work. I am a bit unsettled about this. He's told me that they haven't mentioned the OW at all but I know they had a "catch up" conversation because they were friendly after working together for many years.

 

We now agree that we only have friends who are friendly towards the fact that we are a married couple. It doesn't mean we have to have shared friends but just that we not have friends who are in any way hostile to "the marriage".

 

Should I consider this woman an enemy of the marriage? My H is well aware of my discomfort and has promised me he will not be going out of his way to engage at a personal level with this friend of the OW, and will tell me if it happens because it is unavoidable without being very rude.

 

Sid, I would definitely consider this enabling friend an enemy of your marriage.

 

It's good that your H is also going to make you aware if he does happen to be in a situation where he is in proximity to this enabling friend.

 

It's funny that you mention this type of scenario, Sid (and my apologies to CIK for the t/j). I never had any contact with my H's xOW. I only met her once pre-affair and I've always had the feeling that she and I are never to meet face-to-face again. Since my H and the xOW no longer work for the same company and she lives far away from us, it is unlikely that the 3 of us will ever meet.

 

However, the xOW had an enabling friend much like what you describe. I actually knew this woman slightly better than the xOW. She was also a work colleague of my H. She was an older woman and married for a long time.

 

I have seen this enabling friend on a couple of occasions since my H and I reconciled. She continued to try to be nice to me as she always had. I couldn't stand her after I learned of her participation in the destruction of my marriage.

 

She definitely enabled her friend (the xOW) with the affair with my H. Too long to explain here but it had to do with the friend being closer geographically to my H and since she was fully aware of what was going on between her friend and my H she would 'help' where she could.

 

I can't understand why a 'friend' would do that--especially one who had been married herself for a long time. Her actions are more puzzling to me than the xOW's.

 

Why would you participate in the destruction of someone else's marriage, just because you were friends with the OW?

 

Has anyone been in this situation as a friend or with a friend?

[OFGnomore]

if that were true, you wouldn't fixate on your affair partner so much in this forum

 

 

 

 

why would you introduce your husband to the man you had sex with behind his back? get some kind of kick out of it or something?

 

I don't think you are moving on and your marriage is repaired as you say it is. Your words on this site indicate otherwise.

 

Ditto Dexter. The responses of getting satisfaction from an awkward situation like a run in is mind blowing to me. Also, the I'll intro my S to the XOP. WTF??? At times, I wonder how helpful this forum really is??

[bananalaffytaffy]

I don't get why people would even acknowledge them at all? Why wouldn't you just completely ignore them?

 

I would. I would just act like they are a stranger.

I agree. An introduction to an unknowing spouse would be inappropriate. I think if the xAP is any kind of person at all, they would look the other way as well. There would be no reason for the xAP's to acknowledge each other at all.

[lostsunsets]

Why would any of you question why they wouldn't have a problem introducing their BS to their affair partner? It is par for the course. If they don't have enough respect for their spouses to not spread their legs for another man. They most assuredly lack the respect for him enough to introduce the scum they mated with.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Why would any of you question why they wouldn't have a problem introducing their BS to their affair partner? It is par for the course. If they don't have enough respect for their spouses to not spread their legs for another man. They most assuredly lack the respect for him enough to introduce the scum they mated with.

 

Well put. This thread reeks of disrespect. What is uncany is these "former" WS's don't even get how patently disrespectful ANY acknowledgement of the ex AP is.

 

Their selfishness is so transparrent. How do I know this?? Because many of these women admittedly refuse to tell their husbands the truth about the A. Frankly I don't know how you women live with yourselves - wait... Yes I do. You totally rationalize ways where it seems like your protecting THEM by staying silent about having SEX with other men WHILE married...

 

I maintain that you women have ZERO honor. Aren't marriages suppose to be based on trust?!? My God. It's sickening to me.

 

And before any of you come back to counter my post with your lame, self serving rationalizations, ask yourselves honestly why you haven't told...

 

May I venture a wild guess...? You wouldn't dare tell because you KNOW what you'd stand to lose. You don't want to risk upsetting your world, your comfort, your status quo, so instead you lie. I'm sorry, I mispoke - you don't just tell a lie, you LIVE it.

 

Now that's what I call an excellent foundation for a brilliant M. Bravo ladies. Seriously, each and every LS member should give you each of you a standing ovation; after all you do deserve it, right??

 

Ohh... You don't deserve praise? Then don't defend your dishonorable behavior. Get a clue.

 

I also maintain that I feel VERY sorry for your hubands...

[confusedinkansas]

Back up the Bashing Train folks!

 

The question here is WHAT WOULD YOU DO............Not

Feel free to bash those that actually contribute to the thread & say what they would do if in the situation!

 

So what if some would introduce.

I said I would - HOWEVER, my husband knows about my affair.

 

Sheesh. Everyone has to make up their own mind whether to tell or not to tell. Each situation is different. Each person that has had an affair - did so for their own reasons. None of that is the point of my initial question. ....Some of these threads just take on a life of their own. Someday, It'd be nice to be able to post here & have decent (without the spread your legs comments) grown up banter/conversation.

 

I also maintain that I feel VERY sorry for your hubands..

 

Don't feel sorry for mine.........He made the bed he's layin' in right now!

[Dexter Morgan]

It's not a fixation Dex - It's just a topic of conversation. A question. I'm curious how others would handle a situation or if it's happened to them as well.

 

I'm not talking about just this one thread.

 

 

Since you know me so well Dex, I guess that's how you would be knowledgable on how I feel, what I think & how my marriage is going.

 

If I were to have effed over a significant other like that, which I wouldn't, and want everyone here to believe that my relationship is all rosey, the last thing I'd do in this forum, as you have done in this thread and others, is bring up questions about affair partners. Seems you can't let it go.

[Dexter Morgan]

I agree. An introduction to an unknowing spouse would be inappropriate.

 

well this is how people that have affairs think.

Nothing stopped them from having inappropriate contact and behavior in the first place, why break the cycle?

[Dexter Morgan]

Why would any of you question why they wouldn't have a problem introducing their BS to their affair partner? It is par for the course. If they don't have enough respect for their spouses to not spread their legs for another man. They most assuredly lack the respect for him enough to introduce the scum they mated with.

 

^bump. Exactly!

 

but remember, this applies to the men that cheat as well.

[bananalaffytaffy]

Well put. This thread reeks of disrespect. What is uncany is these "former" WS's don't even get how patently disrespectful ANY acknowledgement of the ex AP is.

 

Their selfishness is so transparrent. How do I know this?? Because many of these women admittedly refuse to tell their husbands the truth about the A. Frankly I don't know how you women live with yourselves - wait... Yes I do. You totally rationalize ways where it seems like your protecting THEM by staying silent about having SEX with other men WHILE married...

 

I maintain that you women have ZERO honor. Aren't marriages suppose to be based on trust?!? My God. It's sickening to me.

 

And before any of you come back to counter my post with your lame, self serving rationalizations, ask yourselves honestly why you haven't told...

 

May I venture a wild guess...? You wouldn't dare tell because you KNOW what you'd stand to lose. You don't want to risk upsetting your world, your comfort, your status quo, so instead you lie. I'm sorry, I mispoke - you don't just tell a lie, you LIVE it.

 

Now that's what I call an excellent foundation for a brilliant M. Bravo ladies. Seriously, each and every LS member should give you each of you a standing ovation; after all you do deserve it, right??

 

Ohh... You don't deserve praise? Then don't defend your dishonorable behavior. Get a clue.

 

I also maintain that I feel VERY sorry for your hubands...

I agree with this. Further, when I read this, I don't read bashing. I read the immense hurt and agony of betrayal all because someone decided to be selfish.

 

Any WS or potential WS should read this and reconsider their behavior.

[ladydesigner]

I am a BS and WS and don't feel guilty about a damn thing. I feel I evened the score now I can move on in my marriage. I can understand how the BS feel because I am one.

 

Quote:

I also maintain that I feel VERY sorry for your hubands..

Don't feel sorry for mine.........He made the bed he's layin' in right now!

 

Ha so did mine CIK:laugh:

[wheelwright]

1) Dive under the nearest table? I may say hello if I bumped into XAP in close proximity with my spouse -- maybe not due to the shock factor -- and I certainly would NOT introduce the two of them. I would try to get the heck out of Dodge as quickly as possible.

 

2) Say hello, hug his neck and ask him how he is doing. Unless he was with a new girlfriend -- then I'd just say hello. If he wanted to introduce me to the new gfriend, I'd probably smile and say hello and go home and stick my XAP voodoo doll with pins.

 

Just have to say this is the first post in weeks that has made me belly laugh! Thanks for that.

[wheelwright]

I am a BS and WS and don't feel guilty about a damn thing. I feel I evened the score now I can move on in my marriage. I can understand how the BS feel because I am one.

 

 

 

Ha so did mine CIK:laugh:

 

Glad this storm in a teacup is washing right over you LD.

 

And glad everyone chose to pick on a WS who was first a BS - just so they know judgements are not so simple.

[bentnotbroken]

Glad this storm in a teacup is washing right over you LD.

 

And glad everyone chose to pick on a WS who was first a BS - just so they know judgements are not so simple.

 

You're right, judgement isn't simple, that's why only God has that power, but calling a spade a spade isn't judging. She says she has nothing to be sorry for, she did it for revenge and now she won't tell him. Kind of cool, huh?

[confusedinkansas]

I'm not talking about just this one thread.

 

If I were to have effed over a significant other like that, which I wouldn't, and want everyone here to believe that my relationship is all rosey, the last thing I'd do in this forum, as you have done in this thread and others, is bring up questions about affair partners. Seems you can't let it go.

 

 

 

 

Going off topic..........briefly..........

 

Dex - No matter what I post here, you will find fault with it.

 

You're of the belief that NO marriage can survive infidelity. Ever!

And that no one should even attempt to save their marriage if infidelity is involved. You, sir are wrong on that assumption.

Marriages do survive! It must come as a shock to you to know that in real life, people do forgive. People do move on past issues that they have had in their marriages, overcome them & even have a better marriage for them.

 

My initial post here was not for you to have carte blanche to come in & have a hey-day with me or any of the other posters & take this thread off topic - as you & many others are known to do.

 

It was a......

 

"Hey, I'm curious what others would do" Post.

 

But, as always, Thanks for your 1/2 cent worth.

[OWoman]

What would you do if you ran into your EX-AFFAIR Parner?

 

Purely by accident. Just happened to be at the same place at the same time? Say, at a restaurant, concert, market, drug store........

 

1) If your current spouse was with you -WWYD?

 

2) If you were alone WWYD?

 

Assuming it was someone I recognised...

 

1) I'd introduce my H, if he was curious about who I'd dumped for him.

 

2) If I was alone, I would probably not engage at all. There's a reason someone's history...

[Dexter Morgan]

I am a BS and WS and don't feel guilty about a damn thing. I feel I evened the score now I can move on in my marriage. I can understand how the BS feel because I am one.

 

 

So if your H hadn't have had an affair, you would have felt guilty?

 

however, one would assume that you wouldn't have had your affair if he hadn't.

 

but I believe that people that have revenge affairs, wanted to cheat anyway, just now they have an excuse if their SO cheated first.

[Dexter Morgan]

Going off topic..........briefly..........

 

Dex - No matter what I post here, you will find fault with it.

 

thats because there is lots about your attitude, as touched in other threads, has more than its fair share of faults.

 

 

You're of the belief that NO marriage can survive infidelity. Ever!

 

depends on what one considers surviving. If surviving means that both people can try to never bring things up again, not fight about it, get along..etc...but still one doesn't totally regain trust, and for good reason....if that is surviving....well ok then.

 

 

 

And that no one should even attempt to save their marriage if infidelity is involved.

 

like I've always said....if you total a car, it IS fixable. but its too expensive to fix, not worth the time, and won't be as good as a new car:)

 

 

 

You, sir are wrong on that assumption.

 

not with regards to you. you spend too much time on this forum wondering about affair partners and your own other man to indicate otherwise.

 

I'm sorry, I would think that if I was in a recovering marriage, part of it would be to make the affair partner insignificant. Its obvious that he is still significant to you and you relish the memories.

 

Marriages do survive!

 

again, depends on one's idea of survival. Someone could get into a bad accident and become paralyzed.....but they survived. they are alive, but now have this constant reminder of what happened to them.

 

 

It must come as a shock to you to know that in real life, people do forgive. People do move on past issues that they have had in their marriages, overcome them & even have a better marriage for them.

 

I could go along with that. But I don't think its the case in your situation. I don't think you have moved past anything. If you did, you wouldn't wonder and bring up your affair partner so much.

 

 

My initial post here was not for you to have carte blanche to come in & have a hey-day with me or any of the other posters & take this thread off topic - as you & many others are known to do.

 

oh please...you have done it many times yourself. Nice try if you want us all to believe you stick to the topic at all times.

 

Everyone does it.

[Dexter Morgan]

What would you do if you ran into your EX-AFFAIR Parner?

 

Purely by accident. Just happened to be at the same place at the same time? Say, at a restaurant, concert, market, drug store........

 

1) If your current spouse was with you -WWYD?

 

2) If you were alone WWYD?

 

Ok, you want me to stay 100% on topic...ok, here it goes.

 

IF I were to have betrayed someone in my life my answers to the questions would be this.

 

1) I would ignore the x-AP. If the x-AP came up to me, I wouldn't introduce them as in , "oh, this is such and such, we are old friends". I'd say, "I don't think its appropriate that you are talking to me and in front of my significant other"

 

Then after they walked off would have to explain that this is the person I shagged behind their back.

 

and

 

2) Tell them that it is inappropriate for her and I to have ANY kind of contact out of respect for my significant other. That is, if I truly respected my significant other.

[confusedinkansas]

like I've always said....if you total a car, it IS fixable. but its too expensive to fix, not worth the time, and won't be as good as a new car:)

 

You don't believe it - But I do.

Marriages are fixable.

We'll agree to disagree on this point.

 

Ok, you want me to stay 100% on topic...ok, here it goes.

 

IF I were to have betrayed someone in my life my answers to the questions would be this.

 

1) I would ignore the x-AP. If the x-AP came up to me, I wouldn't introduce them as in , "oh, this is such and such, we are old friends". I'd say, "I don't think its appropriate that you are talking to me and in front of my significant other"

 

Then after they walked off would have to explain that this is the person I shagged behind their back.

 

and

 

2) Tell them that it is inappropriate for her and I to have ANY kind of contact out of respect for my significant other. That is, if

 

That wasn't so difficult now, was it.......

[Dexter Morgan]

You don't believe it - But I do.

Marriages are fixable.

 

 

in case you missed the analogy, even a totalled car is fixable. So I never said a marriage wasn't "fixable"...just not fixed adequately enough in my opinion. I can get my car fixed and it works just fine, like a marriage I suppose, but something still isn't right...the paint doesn't quite match, there is an annoying rattle in the chassis...etc.

 

sure, a marriage is fixable, but at what cost, and what remnants of the affairs are going to be left over in one or both spouses' minds?

 

 

In my opinion, even if it can be "fixed" or "survives", there is always going to be some level of suspicion and lack of trust, even in the most minute form.

 

So yes, like my analogy, it can be "fixed", but a new car would still be better and less expensive.

Edited April 16, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[U2RockZz]

So what if some would introduce.

I said I would - HOWEVER, my husband knows about my affair.

 

 

you said your H didn't know the complete truth about your A in some of your previous posts....one of them being you left your M to be with OM...

 

anyways if your H already knows about your A, how come he needs an intro from you....just curious

 

god help the guy who married you....!!!

[crazycatlady]

in case you missed the analogy, even a totalled car is fixable. So I never said a marriage wasn't "fixable"...just not fixed adequately enough in my opinion. I can get my car fixed and it works just fine, like a marriage I suppose, but something still isn't right...the paint doesn't quite match, there is an annoying rattle in the chassis...etc.

 

sure, a marriage is fixable, but at what cost, and what remnants of the affairs are going to be left over in one or both spouses' minds?

 

 

In my opinion, even if it can be "fixed" or "survives", there is always going to be some level of suspicion and lack of trust, even in the most minute form.

 

So yes, like my analogy, it can be "fixed", but a new car would still be better and less expensive.

 

BULLS***. You have no idea. Many people recover their marriages after an affair. Just because you can't forgive, just because you don't accept failure in others, and just because you don't have it in you to work hard at something doesn't mean others are the same way.

 

This is disrespectful to every fBS here, its telling them they are stupid for trying to fix their marriages. I think its stupid to say absolutely its not worth saving. I think it belittles your own commitment. Hows that for rash judgements of situations you aren't a part of?

 

CCL

[bentnotbroken]

BULLS***. You have no idea. Many people recover their marriages after an affair. Just because you can't forgive, just because you don't accept failure in others, and just because you don't have it in you to work hard at something doesn't mean others are the same way.

 

This is disrespectful to every fBS here, its telling them they are stupid for trying to fix their marriages. I think its stupid to say absolutely its not worth saving. I think it belittles your own commitment. Hows that for rash judgements of situations you aren't a part of?

 

CCL

 

 

I am not offended by Dex's analogy. I also understand what he means that though a marriage can be recovered and even healthy, it isn't quite the same. There is a different expectation. I don't believe he thinks all spouses who choose to stay are stupid. Dex I get what you mean.