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Religion and relationships


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Posted

Just a note: if you're offended by people with anti-religious opinions, please don't read or respond to this thread. You can have your views, and I can have mine.

 

My girlfriend of 5 weeks asked me a question this morning, and I am very conflicted.

 

She comes from a religious family, like old school religious. Both her parents are lay minsters.

 

Growing up, my family was Lutheran, but very relaxed, and didn't go to church very often at all.

 

I've been an atheist from a pretty early age, and have an admittedly antagonistic view of organized religion.

 

Anyway, she asked me this morning if it would be a problem if she and her kids started going to church regularly at some point in the future, but the tone was wishy-washy, and I can't tell if she was hinting that she would not do it if I had a problem with it, or that I should decide if it's a deal breaker sooner rather than later.

 

To be utterly, completely honest, I have serious issues respecting people who are blinded by religious beliefs. They can be my friends, family, and associates, but I will not willfully get into a relationship with someone who goes to church, reads the bible regularly, and uses religious nonsense in serious arguments.

 

Can you be a successful couple and have wildly differing views on something that seems so important?

Posted

Hey!!!

 

I know exactly how you feel man, as I'm agnostic/atheist and it doesn't matter so much what people think as they can think the way they want. But if I'm in a relationship with someone, for it to work they have to be around my beliefs or pretty much not religious. For me, it is a automatic turn-off and a no go, if there religious. I don't even get involved.

 

Mainly, the fact of the problem you are facing...A lot of times, people who are religious or maybe somewhat religious will like you alot and they won't bring up religion in the beginning or not make it a big deal. Later down the line she will mention going to church or bring religion again because its what she believes.

Therefore, causing a conflict between you two with beliefs. And the person will probably bring it up again and again, if anything the person is thinking about this.

 

I think its much better for someone to say in the beginning that they are strong in their beliefs, therefore both people know where they stand or know if they should move on or whatever. Honestly, to answer your question, I don't think it can work and for sure wouldn't work for me. I think the same way as you, as religion is a poison of the society and has put us back as a human race when we can put our thought processes in other sectors of our life's instead in a ideological playground.

Posted

Can you be a successful couple and have wildly differing views on something that seems so important?

 

Were you aware of her religious beliefs prior to starting a relationship with her?

 

I think that you can have a successful relationship as long as each person respects the others religious views. You would have a problem with her attending church services and it sounds like this is something that is important to her (obviously, since she brought it up). If you cannot find common ground then I don't see the relationship working out.

  • Author
Posted

Until this morning, she led me to believe her religious beliefs were very informal, more of a metaphysical thing, but now it seems like she's coming out of her shell and exposing me to her true beliefs, which seem to be pretty mainstream "go to church once a week and pray every day".

 

Which, frankly, is not what I signed up for. It seems a little duplicitous.

Posted

Ouch, ya man..... that sucks....Now days, it seems some people are hiding their beliefs. Its not gonna work out, she is eventually gonna bring religion up again. There are plenty of people who share your beliefs, best to be on the same wavelength.

Posted

I don't think it's fair that she was not clear about her true beliefs at the start of dating. But then again, it has only been five weeks. I don't know how much you have invested in the relationship but it sounds like her involvement in organized religion is a deal breaker for you.

Posted
To be utterly, completely honest, I have serious issues respecting people who are blinded by religious beliefs. They can be my friends, family, and associates, but I will not willfully get into a relationship with someone who goes to church, reads the bible regularly, and uses religious nonsense in serious arguments.

 

I am an atheist as well, and this attitude is every bit as intolerant (and ignorant, honestly) as the zealot who condemns you to an existence in hell simply because you do not believe what he does. We might be the ones who are wrong you know.

 

Can you be a successful couple and have wildly differing views on something that seems so important?
I was married to someone who belonged to the church of Nazarene. Those folk have pretty intense beliefs as well. I simply refused to judge her based on her beliefs, and she didn't do that to me either. We worked out just fine as a result. Until the divorce anyway, which had literally nothing to do with religion.

 

Having said that, I would have had a problem with forcing church on children. They believe everything they are told, and that is not a good reason to believe anything. They'd believe Santa is Jesus if you told them that. They should be allowed to make their own choices regarding whether they go or not, which they are incapable of as children.

Posted
I am an atheist as well, and this attitude is every bit as intolerant (and ignorant, honestly) as the zealot who condemns you to an existence in hell simply because you do not believe what he does. We might be the ones who are wrong you know.

 

I was married to someone who belonged to the church of Nazarene. Those folk have pretty intense beliefs as well. I simply refused to judge her based on her beliefs, and she didn't do that to me either. We worked out just fine as a result. Until the divorce anyway, which had literally nothing to do with religion.

 

Having said that, I would have had a problem with forcing church on children. They believe everything they are told, and that is not a good reason to believe anything. They'd believe Santa is Jesus if you told them that. They should be allowed to make their own choices regarding whether they go or not, which they are incapable of as children.

 

I agree with this post and I'm glad not all atheists beliefs fall into the category of the OP.

  • Author
Posted

I'm so glad honesty doesn't go unpunished.

 

As I said in my original post, if you can't be constructive, piss off. You're the one that's intolerant of my views.

 

I am open minded about other people's beliefs, I just don't want a partner that is diametrically opposed to my own belief structure.

 

My opinion is that this is a fundamental difference of worldviews and the effects bleed into other parts of the relationship, usually in a negative fashion.

 

For example, if the relationship culminated in marriage, we would have a split household in many respects. She and her children would be saying grace at dinner, going to bed early saturday nights, getting up early on sundays for church, going to church potlucks and other functions, building all kinds of ritual into various holidays, etc. While me and my kids would be on a completely different wavelength.

 

It has been my experience in observing other couples that in situations like this, the religious partner generally nags the nonreligious to conform to their system, and I want to know if that is accurate, or by some coincidence have I only been exposed to one type of dichotomous relationship?

Posted (edited)
I'm so glad honesty doesn't go unpunished.

 

As I said in my original post, if you can't be constructive, piss off. You're the one that's intolerant of my views.

 

Sucks, doesn't it? What I said was directly relevant to your question. It just wasn't what you wanted to hear. Did you want a sugary coat, or an honest opinion? I'm all out of sugar.

 

Miss the part where I said I am also an atheist?

 

It has been my experience in observing other couples that in situations like this, the religious partner generally nags the nonreligious to conform to their system, and I want to know if that is accurate, or by some coincidence have I only been exposed to one type of dichotomous relationship?
I experienced no such thing within the confines of my failed marriage. Religion had literally nothing to do with any of our problems. This was directly due to mutual respect. Edited by Bejita463
Reworded slightly.
Posted

religion is a core value, marriage does not work if the core values of both partners are not in tune.

perhaps she did not lie to you, or disguise her desire to be religious, perhaps it is something she is just now getting into.

 

with that being said, people contantly change, values change, you either grow together, or you grow apart.

Posted
religion is a core value, marriage does not work if the core values of both partners are not in tune.

 

That does not mean they have to believe the same things though.

Posted

Well I'm an agnostic theist who was raised in a very religious family. Both of my parents are super religious still and that (plus lots of research) is what got me to hate organized religion so much. I can date someone who goes to church regularly and reads the Bible daily as long as they don't try to push their beliefs down my throat. My boyfriend attends church every week and it doesn't bother me. He's also invited me to go to church with him at least once and I'll go, but if he starts pushing his religion down my throat then that's where we'll have a big problem.

Posted
That does not mean they have to believe the same things though.

 

no, it does not, you just have to be accepting of the others persons beliefs.

Posted
no, it does not, you just have to be accepting of the others persons beliefs.

 

I agree. I have pretty strong beliefs about religion and so does my boyfriend, although they are different. But if we were to get married one day (although that's a ways away) and have kids, I'd let my kids go to church. Wouldn't bother me in the least bit. But I'd also introduce them to the beliefs of Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, and whatever else they may be interested in. I'd let them decide what they wanted to believe in, since I think in the end it's up to the individual to decide their personal beliefs, not the parents. I just wish my parents would've thought the same thing.

Posted
I am an atheist as well, and this attitude is every bit as intolerant (and ignorant, honestly) as the zealot who condemns you to an existence in hell simply because you do not believe what he does. We might be the ones who are wrong you know.

 

 

 

Most intelligent person / post in this topic, based on this context.

 

Learn from him.

Posted
Just a note: if you're offended by people with anti-religious opinions, please don't read or respond to this thread. You can have your views, and I can have mine.

 

So....you only want opinions that are tolerant of yours and agree with yours? :rolleyes: I will respond and still let you keep your POV. :D

 

I am not offended by your view as I think it is wrong anyhow. :laugh: Still...I have heard it before. The question is...can you seriously listen and respect mine? If you cannot, then that answers the question at the end of your first post.

 

 

I've been an atheist from a pretty early age, and have an admittedly antagonistic view of organized religion.

 

To be utterly, completely honest, I have serious issues respecting people who are blinded by religious beliefs. They can be my friends, family, and associates, but I will not willfully get into a relationship with someone who goes to church, reads the bible regularly, and uses religious nonsense in serious arguments.

 

I think that this intolerant view indicates how happy you will be in a relationship with someone who has a view diametrically opposed to yours.

 

Can you be a successful couple and have wildly differing views on something that seems so important?

 

Yes, they can. However, in your case, no, you won't be able to handle her "ignorance" and "religious nonsense."

 

I am an atheist as well, and this attitude is every bit as intolerant (and ignorant, honestly) as the zealot who condemns you to an existence in hell simply because you do not believe what he does. We might be the ones who are wrong you know.

 

This is one of the most respectful posts by anyone here on LS about religion/atheism that I have read in a long time.

 

Well stated.

 

As a Christian, I could rephrase this and say it to many religious people I know.

 

I'm so glad honesty doesn't go unpunished.

 

As I said in my original post, if you can't be constructive, piss off. You're the one that's intolerant of my views.

 

I am open minded about other people's beliefs, I just don't want a partner that is diametrically opposed to my own belief structure.

 

Being constructive does not mean that someone must agree. Some of the most helpful comments I have received have been diametrically opposed to what I believe.

 

I do agree. I would not want to be married to someone who has such differing beliefs either. It will be a huge wall in your marriage/relationship from every day activities to how you raise your children.

 

 

Since no one can be a Christian or an atheist without faith as neither can factually state that there is or isn't a God, then in order to be in a marriage or relationship, both parties must be tolerant or walk together in common belief. if either looks at the other as being completely wrong or ignorant or spouting nonsense, then IMO there is no way that this relationship could work.

Posted

Religious compatibility is just as important as any other kind of compatibility. If your religious differences are very significant, then I don't think you can have a successful LT relationship. Especially if you plan to have kids.

 

That doesn't mean your religions have to be identical. But you have to each respect the other's viewpoint, and if you have kids you have to decide how those kids are going to be raised. In a case like this, where you are strongly atheistic and don't like religion in general, I don't think you can have a successful LT relationship with someone who is religious.

 

You've only been dating five weeks. This is exactly WHY you date -- to find this stuff out before you make a serious commitment or put too much time into the relationship.

Posted

I think you need to decide if religious beliefs are a deal breaker for you. Everybody has "absolutely nots" in a relationship, and if participating in organized religion is one of them for you, then so be it. If its not a deal breaker, are both of you willing to support and accept the others views about religion? Just as you don't want her cramming her beliefs down your throat, are you will to not cram yours down hers and respect her opinions?

 

It sounds as though actively practicing religion is a deal breaker for you. If this is the case, it's best to end things now and find someone who is more compatible.

Posted
I am an atheist as well, and this attitude is every bit as intolerant (and ignorant, honestly) as the zealot who condemns you to an existence in hell simply because you do not believe what he does. We might be the ones who are wrong you know.

It is only "ignorant" if you were raised atheist... The reality though is that most atheists were turned that way by asking questions. What is ignorant is to claim that being a zealot and being an atheist is even remotely similar.

Posted (edited)
What is ignorant is to claim that being a zealot and being an atheist is even remotely similar.

 

 

Hardly. An overly vocal atheist is just as annoying and laughed at as atheists view overly religious people and laugh at them.

 

Stupidity and ignorance isn't dependent on a religious or atheist view point.

 

Rest assured of that.

Edited by Agent Thomas
Posted (edited)
It is only "ignorant" if you were raised atheist... The reality though is that most atheists were turned that way by asking questions. What is ignorant is to claim that being a zealot and being an atheist is even remotely similar.

 

Referring to religion as nonsense believed only by the blind whom he cannot respect due to their belief has nothing to do with how he became an atheist.

 

Edit: For reference, I wasn't "raised atheist" either. I was raised as a Presbyterian.

Edited by Bejita463
Posted
I agree. I have pretty strong beliefs about religion and so does my boyfriend, although they are different. But if we were to get married one day (although that's a ways away) and have kids, I'd let my kids go to church. Wouldn't bother me in the least bit. But I'd also introduce them to the beliefs of Judaism, Islam, Buddhism, and whatever else they may be interested in. I'd let them decide what they wanted to believe in, since I think in the end it's up to the individual to decide their personal beliefs, not the parents. I just wish my parents would've thought the same thing.

 

not trying to hijack the thread, and i do not know your parents or your situation, but i have found that there is an evolution to parenting; our parents tried to do better/expand on what their parents did for them, and it is natural to do the same for your own children, and eventually your children will do the same for theirs... :)

Posted
Just a note: if you're offended by people with anti-religious opinions, please don't read or respond to this thread. You can have your views, and I can have mine.

 

My girlfriend of 5 weeks asked me a question this morning, and I am very conflicted.

 

She comes from a religious family, like old school religious. Both her parents are lay minsters.

 

Growing up, my family was Lutheran, but very relaxed, and didn't go to church very often at all.

 

I've been an atheist from a pretty early age, and have an admittedly antagonistic view of organized religion.

 

Anyway, she asked me this morning if it would be a problem if she and her kids started going to church regularly at some point in the future, but the tone was wishy-washy, and I can't tell if she was hinting that she would not do it if I had a problem with it, or that I should decide if it's a deal breaker sooner rather than later.

 

To be utterly, completely honest, I have serious issues respecting people who are blinded by religious beliefs. They can be my friends, family, and associates, but I will not willfully get into a relationship with someone who goes to church, reads the bible regularly, and uses religious nonsense in serious arguments.

 

Can you be a successful couple and have wildly differing views on something that seems so important?

 

Quite honestly I think you`re heading for trouble.

 

I`m an atheist with a similar attitude about religion as you.

 

I would never date a practicing theist as I know it would become a problem.

The first would be my lack of respect for her intellectual honesty.

 

I would never marry a practicing theist because the fights that would start over our kids once we had them.

 

There`s no way I`d allow my children to be indoctrinated into the lies and manipulations of organized religion.

 

How can you love someone who believes you`re of the devil and will burn in hell for eternity because you don`t believe in their sky daddy?

 

How could they honestly love you for who you are?

Posted
I would never date a practicing theist as I know it would become a problem.

The first would be my lack of respect for her intellectual honesty.

 

 

 

You're a joke.

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