northstar1 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 With someone shortly after you broke up, even if it was just a physical distraction for them..........how would you react if you found out? Would you be able to ever go back to them, if a second chance was presented, knowing they had been with someone right after your breakup?
USMCHokie Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I wouldn't know about it. What the ex does on her own time when we're not together isn't my business, and any second chances probably wouldn't be affected by that. We're all human. Sh*t happens.
Toki Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Proves to me she's hurt and wants to make the pain go away in some form or another, but as Hokie said it's none of my business, we're not together anymore and I shouldn't care what she does with her life.
CaliGuy Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 With someone shortly after you broke up, even if it was just a physical distraction for them..........how would you react if you found out? Would you be able to ever go back to them, if a second chance was presented, knowing they had been with someone right after your breakup? Once they walk away from me, they never get another chance. No matter what.
teanoranges Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I actually did take my ex back once after something of the sort. big mistake, its a sign of relationship malfunction. Will never do it again (hopefully)!! Learned my lesson
Author northstar1 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 I wouldn't know about it. What the ex does on her own time when we're not together isn't my business, and any second chances probably wouldn't be affected by that. We're all human. Sh*t happens. Fair enough, I agree. I know that some couldn't go back again knowing that they had been with someone else.
marlena Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Well, yes, I would go back if I really thought we stood a chance. However, I´m not a great believer in second chances. They very rarely work out. In fact, they usually make things worse, so more than likely I would just put everything behind me and move on.
USMCHokie Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I know that some couldn't go back again knowing that they had been with someone else. I used to think this too...if she even started dating another guy, then I would never consider a second chance... But then I grew up...
jlr Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 My ex did. Then we reconnected, and I thought we were going to get back together. But she was just using me. She told me about it, and I accepted it. It was with one guy who she didn't date or anything. We weren't together. It did make me think of her differently. I mean, we were together five years and she went out and did that a few months later? I certainly wasn't out doing that. But she's the kind of person who likes to numb her pain, rather than face it. So it made sense. She was like that when she was a teen. I knew that. She used sex and other things to numb pain., Later I found out she was "smoking alot of weed and drinking" after our break up too. And she gave a few different stories on her sexual escapades post-breakup. So who the **** knows. She spun out of control after our breakup with dumb ****. I just moped and became a depressed mess. Eventually we stopped having sex and doing what I thought was working on a second chance, and she just wanted to be "friends." She then met some dude. They dated for a couple months, she claimed she thought he was ignorant, would call me and complain about him, completely disregarding my pain. Was going to break up with him and finally "work on her." That never happened. After it being a completely bull**** situation, we finally stopped communication at the end of December 09. Sorry. I got off point. I guess it would depend on the circumstances. I mean, I still wanted to get back with her, knowing she had. But I do know that having sex with her after she had with someone else was hard. That would pop into my head all the time. The thought of her with someone else.
Author northstar1 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 My ex did. Then we reconnected, and I thought we were going to get back together. But she was just using me. She told me about it, and I accepted it. It was with one guy who she didn't date or anything. We weren't together. It did make me think of her differently. I mean, we were together five years and she went out and did that a few months later? I certainly wasn't out doing that. But she's the kind of person who likes to numb her pain, rather than face it. So it made sense. She was like that when she was a teen. I knew that. She used sex and other things to numb pain., Later I found out she was "smoking alot of weed and drinking" after our break up too. And she gave a few different stories on her sexual escapades post-breakup. So who the **** knows. She spun out of control after our breakup with dumb ****. I just moped and became a depressed mess. Eventually we stopped having sex and doing what I thought was working on a second chance, and she just wanted to be "friends." She then met some dude. They dated for a couple months, she claimed she thought he was ignorant, would call me and complain about him, completely disregarding my pain. Was going to break up with him and finally "work on her." That never happened. After it being a completely bull**** situation, we finally stopped communication at the end of December 09. Sorry. I got off point. I guess it would depend on the circumstances. I mean, I still wanted to get back with her, knowing she had. But I do know that having sex with her after she had with someone else was hard. That would pop into my head all the time. The thought of her with someone else. Thanks for the story Jlr. I can see how some people deal with stress/pain/life by just using, either drugs or sex, as a way to escape 'reality'. It certainly isn't a healthy way to work through feelings. Sounds like your ex was immature.
Ilovecake Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I don’t go back to old boyfriends so I don’t know. I would assume however that if it's that easy for them to just jump into someone else’s bed like that the chances are much higher that it might happen after you take them back and the opportunity arises (no pun intended). Every situation is unique but you have to decide if you’re willing to take that chance.
cutepinkblob Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 The thing is, do you honestly wanna get back with someone who has the self-esteem of a teenager. The fact that someone would just jump into another persons bed as soon as things turn rough shows that they might need to work on themselves, then getting back with them would subsequently pass their own personal problems onto you, which leads to arguments and tears. I've learnt well that getting back with an ex feels great for around 2 weeks, then it goes down hill and feels 10x worse then it did good, so overall, never really worth it. x
Citizen Erased Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 If it was straight away I'd have to question their feelings for me. Personally, I only sleep with people I love.
Rearden Metal Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I used to think this too...if she even started dating another guy, then I would never consider a second chance... But then I grew up... Thank God someone did. Once you get over the "ownership" issue regarding an ex, and if you are able to understand the reasons for the break-up, it's possible to accept it happening as part of a healing process. In fact, I'm pretty sure my ex and I having dated and slept with others since our break-up has helped us understand how compatible we are and really appreciate it.
Author northstar1 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 The thing is, do you honestly wanna get back with someone who has the self-esteem of a teenager. The fact that someone would just jump into another persons bed as soon as things turn rough shows that they might need to work on themselves, then getting back with them would subsequently pass their own personal problems onto you, which leads to arguments and tears. I've learnt well that getting back with an ex feels great for around 2 weeks, then it goes down hill and feels 10x worse then it did good, so overall, never really worth it. x This is a very good point. Some I suppose either try and numb the pain by some sort of ego validation through having sex right away, or they really don't have a very strong attachment between sex and real intimacy. Although it would be none of my business what they did after our breakup, I would have to question their self esteem and emotional maturity if they were able to jump into bed with someone else so quickly after a relationship ending. And yes I agree that most second chances have a short honeymoon period. Most of the same dysfunctions that existed do come back again, and usually with an even higher cost the second time around.
runner Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 And yes I agree that most second chances have a short honeymoon period. Most of the same dysfunctions that existed do come back again, and usually with an even higher cost the second time around. precisely.
teanoranges Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I used to think this too...if she even started dating another guy, then I would never consider a second chance... But then I grew up... You know, I'm not grown up yet (and I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean it seriously.) I was wondering if you could elaborate on how to forgive someone, or let it not bother you, knowing they ended up with someone else?... I guess probably by the time you reconnect.. the 'you' would have been with someone else.. Just curious, because I'm trying to convince myself whether I'd be a complete fool if I took someone back after they left for someone else....
Author northstar1 Posted April 25, 2010 Author Posted April 25, 2010 You know, I'm not grown up yet (and I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean it seriously.) I was wondering if you could elaborate on how to forgive someone, or let it not bother you, knowing they ended up with someone else?... I guess probably by the time you reconnect.. the 'you' would have been with someone else.. Just curious, because I'm trying to convince myself whether I'd be a complete fool if I took someone back after they left for someone else.... I think it depends on the breakup. If they leave you for someone else vs. if you breakup due to other reasons (fighting, misunderstanding, frustration, lack of communication etc). If someone leaves you for someone else, well I don't think I could ever go back again. Call it an ego thing, or realizing that if they left once for someone else, it could happen again. However, if you breakup because it was the wrong timing, you weren't communicating etc, and the other person goes out afterwards and dates/sleeps with someone else, that might be a different story. People are human, they have desires and people cope with breakups differently. Some take time to heal and cannot fathom being intimate with somone until they are over their ex. Some are able to compartmentalize and can sleep with someone after the breakup. It's not necessarily healthy, but some can manage it. I'm not a big advocate for second chances because in most cases, if it's broken, it is really hard to repair it enough for it to work all over again. If you did go back to an ex, and one or both of you had slept with someone else in the interim, I think that there needs to be a talk and an understanding of what happened and how it might impact the future and start with a clean slate. I've seen couples who breakup for a few months and get back, and one partner cannot get past the fact that their ex slept with someone else and it ends up bringing out jealousy and mistrust.
USMCHokie Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 You know, I'm not grown up yet (and I don't mean that sarcastically, I mean it seriously.) I was wondering if you could elaborate on how to forgive someone, or let it not bother you, knowing they ended up with someone else?... I guess probably by the time you reconnect.. the 'you' would have been with someone else.. Just curious, because I'm trying to convince myself whether I'd be a complete fool if I took someone back after they left for someone else.... Hey teanoranges, hope you're doing alright... I realized that the moment she left, the girl I loved and cherished was dead. Whatever she did after that was not the same person I loved, so it was of no concern to me. If a "second chance" were to ever happen, it wouldn't be a second chance. It would be meeting someone completely new that had a past just like my ex did when I dated her the first time...
tigressA Posted April 25, 2010 Posted April 25, 2010 I was one of those people to hook up with someone soon after a breakup--in fact it was less than a week after it ended and I'd been with my ex for well over a year. I was out at the bar, had had a few. I bumped into an old friend, who was also a friend of my ex, and one thing led to another. There was another time when he was on his way over; I was waiting outside and he'd gotten out of a car that my ex was in as well...really awkward. We tried for a reconciliation later but that busted up fairly quickly. I told my ex what I'd done and he said that he had no reason to be upset about it since it's my life and we weren't together, but he was probably hurt by it.
Tamia78 Posted April 26, 2010 Posted April 26, 2010 Once they walk away from me, they never get another chance. No matter what. I lived by this quote.....until my current ex. I agree with most on here. Taking them back (unless they've done a 180 and were willing to work on the relationship) would cause a lot more pain. --T
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