Thinking about and open marriage, but i'm not sure

[chrisp]

I was hoping I could get some insight from people on this board regarding a situation I have found myself in.

 

I’m 28 my wife is 24, we have been married just over 1 ½ years and been together for 5 years. We started dating shortly after she turned 18. My wife is a very sexual being, she enjoys and craves sex we have a good sex life she enjoys it but I can not fill all of her sexual needs. Since the start of our relationship my wife has always had feels about she would like to have sex with other people. Not date them, but see them a few times for sex and that would be it.

 

As of about a month ago this drive has become very strong in her. It has torn her apart. She has pulled away from me and our marriage is suffering greatly at this point. I can see the pain she struggles with. Since she fills all my needs and I have never allowed the conversation of an open marriage. As of last night she finally told me about a fling she had about 3 years ago with a man about 6 times over the course of a month. I figured it had happened, but never pushed the issue as we where happy together. After she revealed this she seem so relieved. I made sure to stay calm and tried to figure out my emotions regarding it. I have always feared my wife having and “Affair” but I think I fear that she might leave me for another man in a not just sexual aspect.

 

We talked about and open marriage as I believe this may just be how my wife is it maybe something that she has no ability to suppress and I believe suppressing it is destroying both her and us. I asked how often she thinks she would need to indulge this and she gave me a surprising answer. “Maybe once every 6 months when I find a person that I really desire in bed. I would like to sleep with them a few times nothing more”. I thought she would have wanted it a lot more then this.

 

I love my wife with all my heart. I believe she deserves to be happy I want her to be happy in our relationship, but I have fears about opening it up to outsiders. I believe if we do not open our marriage it will end in divorce, because it is not fair for her to carry that burden.

 

Do you have any advice for a husband unsure about how to proceed, and even a little scared about my own feelings? I’m starting to second guess some of my beliefs on monogamy. I even feel I may want to watch a man have sex with her. I’m very torn on this issue. I feel that if we did this, I would feel like it was our little secret that only we shared. I’m a bit jealous, but trust is huge with me. I think if she would be willing to share it with me I could be okay with this.

 

 

These are the rules I was thinking about.

 

- Safe Sex

- Can never be more then a few times with the same man and never a repeat after it has ended.

- I must always be the first man in her life – if I call and she is with someone I believe I should come first (but I also promise to only use this is a real emergency never just to test her or mess with her)

- No co-works, close friends or past lovers

- Would end when we decide to have children

 

- I want to meet them (This rule I’m not sure about let me know what you guys think)

 

My wife says she does not want to know anything about what I do, because she knows I’m fully committed to her and the rest does not matter.

 

 

Sorry for the length and thank you in advance for the advice and please if you can not be respectful do not post your replay.

[JackJack]

JMO on the issue.

 

 

You say she knows YOU are fully committed to her, but I guess she isn't to you huh? If so she wouldn't want to be bringing others into your sexual space or sacred marriage. Of course, I guess it depends on how one views marriage to begin with right. Obviously she doesn't feel its sacred.

 

*"As of about a month ago this drive has become very strong in her. It has torn her apart. She has pulled away from me and our marriage is suffering greatly at this point. I can see the pain she struggles with".

 

 

This statement above makes me wonder if she has been connecting with another sexually already and its her feeling/emotions for another she might be torn about. I'm not saying that is the case, I'm just saying, I wonder.

 

She seems like a hard person to fullfill, even you said she dosen't get filled sexually, I guess she will constantly be craving this fulfillment in which she can not find within herself or just one person.

 

 

I will tell you this, if you are truly ok with this, then go for it. No one can tell you what you can or should or should not do. Even after the advice you get here, it will still come down to your choice on the matter.

 

If this is something you are unsure of or do not want to do, then do not do it. Yes, anytime you open your marriage up for others to enter into like you are saying she wants to do, you are risking everything. Not just the marriage but your self respect. Do not do something you do not feel right about.

 

Of course I'm sure you will use how much you love your wife and want her to happy as a means of justification for this.

 

Would she be ok if you brought other women into your situation? I have a strange feeling she would be ok with it..I mean after all, she would getting to do what she wanted.

[blair08]

"But I think I fear she might leave me for another man not just in the sexual aspect."

 

I would pay attention to that fear. A person can leave another even if they are not in an open relationship, but when you give the go ahead for your partner to bring a third party into the marriage, to me you're just asking for it.

 

"As of last night she finally told me about a fling she had 3 years ago with a man about 6 times over a course of a month. "

 

 

 

So you have been together for 5 years, and this happened 3 years ago, how does that make you feel to know she has done this while you all have been together?

 

I have a strange feeling this has possibly already happened again or is about to. It seems to me it doesn't matter whether you go along with anything open or not, I think she is going to do what she wants regardless of how you feel. That should speak volumes.

 

I think it all comes down to, what you are willing to tolerate or not. If this ok with you, well then there is your answer. If its not, you got an issue on your hands then.

 

I think this is no longer about what you think of her and/or how happy you think she is or could be, this is more about you and how happy or not you are or want to be.

[crazycatlady]

Open marriage.... it is hard to go into an open marriage while having struggles at home. It is far better to be in a secure spot in your own marriage before even considering opening it up.

 

We are open. And we have faced some very difficult issues with it. Actually we have done from being open to my accepting the polyamorous side of my husband and cheating having been involved - that's neither here nor there, just saying being open does not come without problems even when the love is very strong between two people and the sexual connection is very strong between two people.

 

Rules are very important if you decide to go this way. And being willing to follow through on the consequences of the rules is important. BUT so is the willingness to trust your spouse to support your limits as well.

 

Once this door is opened (no pun intended) you can not close this door. There is no going back if you can't handle this. And you will have mixed emotions if you do go through with it. Some of it positive, some will be negative. Don't expect it to be simple and easy. If you both are open, honest and straightforth with each other, its possible to manage this.

 

Sex without strings is possible for women without them becoming emotionally attached.

 

I understand where your wife is coming from in not wanting to know. My husband doesn't care who or what I do because he trusts me. BUt while they think that is suppose to be reassuring, its actually not. It makes you start thinking "hey why aren't they worried? Do they not care?" In some ways that was harder to deal with then anything else about opening the marriage up. I wanted him to care who I was with, to be slightly worried. We have just now talked about it and he gave me this look and was like "I don't worry because you love me" and to him, it was as simple as that. And they don't understand the insecurities we can feel because hey she loves you and that's it.

 

The point is, it can be done, but its not easy. It is rewarding if you can manage it. It doesn't meant that cheating can't happen, or rules won't be broken or anything like that.

 

You have have any rule you want, and if you want to meet them first, then make that your rule. It is what you need to feel comfortable and secure and she should be all about helping you feel comfortable and secure. Even if she doesn't feel the need to meet any potential lovers you have.

 

If you want to be there and watch, make it a rule. If you want at least the option to always be able to watch, make it a rule. Most people here would tell you not to do this. It will ruin your marriage, ruin your life ruin everything. And they just might be right. I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm saying its hard. For us its worth it. But its hard. And I did have a lot of moments of insecurities. The worse of it was because I struggled to tell him about them for a long time. So if you do this, make sure you tell of the insecurities immediately. Don't let them sit. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. Oh and talk.

 

CCL

[CarrieT]

This was my husband and I almost 25 years ago; we married young, like you two did. And a year or so into our marriage, I had the yearnings. He admitted to occasionally thinking about others, but not as strongly as I did.

 

At first we played together; threesomes and foursomes.

 

Then, as we got more comfortable with it, we would play separately -- ALWAYS being open and honest about where we were and with whom.

 

UNTIL, I came home early from work and found my husband with three other men.

 

Now I am sure this is not where you are even believing this is going, but what I learned is that when you are married that young, a lot of the sexual maturity has not settled into the Self yet and I can completely understand what your wife is feeling.

 

What you cannot anticipate and what I can almost 100% guarantee will happen, is that she will develop feelings for another man. It just happens. That is how we women are wired; sex produces chemicals within us and even if we try to keep it from happening, we develop feelings (not necessarily love, but there ARE feelings regardless) for the person we are having sex with.

 

I can't tell you how to handle your wife, but I can warn you against the problems that can occur if you do agree to let her have sex with people. It will cause problems, especially if you are a remotely jealous person. She will sense your neediness in her and it will make you look less attractive. OR, she will sense your indifference and it will make you look week. Trust me on this; there is a no-win situation although having threesomes does diminish the issue because it is something you are sharing together; is that a possibility?

 

And, by the way, my marriage ended in divorce around my 25th birthday and I have been single ever since -- over 20 years now.

[EnigmasMuse]

I think it depends on from what view you look at it from a religious stand point. That is if you look at from one at all.

 

If you believe in GOD and feel that marriage is about two people and not everyone else and feel this is wrong, then it probably is...from that point of view it would just basically be consentual adultery. JMO though.

[Skump]

You're agreeing to cuckold yourself.

 

... but, er, parenthetically ...

 

Since you have no children, the rational move in this situation would be - DUH - to run like all of hell was at your back. But that's so simple and practical. Bor-ing!

 

So let's assume you're going to stick with this chick when Fate is practically screaming in your face to dump her.

 

...

 

Read the first sentence again.

 

Realize that no woman will ever respect a man who agrees to cuckold himself. What pathetic little sh*t would endure that kind of treatment from a woman? It's emasculating, humiliating and degrading. F*ck, think about this: how would most healthy, confident men react to the charming idea of watching some sad sack doink their wives?

 

Mark my words... if you agree to this, eventually, your wife will leave you for a real man. You know, someone who wouldn't endure the kind of continuous insult-joke you will know as your "marriage."

 

Unless...

 

...you actually get more out of this bargain than you give. There's only way to do this, and HINT, it isn't by masturbating while watching your wife make a mockery of your marriage vows.

 

No, it's by banging LOTS of ass, while making sure your wife knows you're doing it. You need to get as much or more tail than your wife does - it's that simple. No guarantees this will save your "marriage" of course, but it will preserve your dignity and manhood. It might just make your wife rethink this entire whacked arrangement, too.

 

Of course, that's assuming YOU still want to end it. Rarrrr.

 

Who knows, maybe this really is the best solution all around. It's entirely possible you'll meet someone better while playing the field.

 

N.B. Just whatever you do, for the love of GOD do not create a child with this woman until she's past her whore phase. Don't trust her to use BC either. Wear a rubber, brother, at all times.

[EnigmasMuse]

"Watching your wife make a mockery of your wedding vows."

 

 

I totally agree, and really feel that is exactly what it is, a mockery. It just can show how seriously some people do NOT take their marriage vows.

[sally4sara]

A marriage with fear is not one strong enough to test these waters and survive.

And you don't reward deceit and expect it to get stronger. She cheated and hid it from you for how long? What makes you think any ground rules you set for having an open relationship are going to be honored by her when she wasn't able to honor the rules you already had in this relationship?

[You Go Girl]

Sounds to me as if she is pretty much demanding it. Either he walks, or he tries this arrangement.

I believe OP--that you should look into your own heart. If you could watch her with someone--then perhaps you are a candidate for this type of thing. Others, like myself, could never watch my partner with someone else, it would tear me up into little broken pieces, does not compute type of thing.

I think that's the bottom line. Will it hurt you or not?

Don't pretend to yourself it won't hurt you if it will.

As for actually having an open relationship, I can offer no advice as it isn't for me, but best of luck if you go that route.

[sally4sara]

This is making me think about this woman I met a few years ago who was dating a guy my husband is friends with. She is (or was IDK now) married and told her husband that he had to either allow an open marriage or get a divorce.

 

Is that really a choice being offered? Didn't sound like one to me.

[PandorasBox]

To the OP, IMO it sounds like she is already doing this. Its kind of like you really don't have a say so in it anyway.

 

She already cheated and recently told you about what she did a few years ago. What makes you think agreeing to it being open is going to matter, she is already doing what she wants. Its really selfish on her part, but if you can deal with a selfish person, then do whatever you feel you must do.

 

I think its possible you might see it as if, you agree to it, its because you love her and want her to be happy, but it doesn't really come across that way. To me it comes across as you being needy, weak, and dependent. Don't worry about her being happy, sounds like she is going to try and make herself that way on her own.

[chrisp]

Thank you to everyone who replied. I feel like many of you on this topic, that I would be selling myself out in doing this, but I wanted to explore all possibilities and options before moving for a divorce.

 

As of last night my wife and I have officially decide to file for divorce. What sealed it for me was that I asked her if she wished to keep going to marriage counseling (We have been twice) her answer was no. That to me means she no longer wishes to work on our marriage at this time. I’m not sure how this mess will turn out in the end, but I hoping to do some self discovery in the mean time.

 

May current plan is I’m not going to see my wife for a month. I said she will still have access to the house to get items and visit our dogs, but I just need a heads up so I can be away from the home. After the month I will re-evaluate my feels of our past relationship and see if it is worth anything. I personally do not see this working unless she has a big change in heart and by then it might be too late.

 

Do any of you have suggestions on ways to start moving forward?

[CarrieT]

Do any of you have suggestions on ways to start moving forward?

 

I am so sorry for you -- and wish you the best. It sounds like you are being very level-headed by having No Contact with your wife during this process.

 

I would heartily recommend you read through Spriggig's recent log:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t224516/?highlight=spriggig

 

He has some great insight in how his marriage broke down through an affair and has dealt with it in a matter that involved rational dignity.