She kissed another guy...

[fn3501]

Hi Guys and Gals,

 

I've been dating a girl for almost 5 months now. She's the best girl (for me) that I've ever dated and so many amazing things I like about her: she's brilliant, she's motivated, she's beautiful, she's funny and engaging, she's not materialistic...I could go on and on...but let's say this: I've had more fun in my 4 months with her than all my time with other women combined.

 

Now to the story: About a month ago she became just a little distant. We spent a little less time with each other...but over the last 2-3 weeks things became better. A few days ago she told me that in the beginning of march she kissed another guy. Turns out it was an old friend of hers from school...she was staying at his place for an interview. Apparently he had initiated the kiss but she didn't back away. After the kiss she kind of pushed him away. She never told him she had a boyfriend (even though we'd been dating for 3+ months at that time) and she didn't tell me about it for 3 weeks.

 

When she told me I controlled myself...I wanted to be hurtful but I wasn't. I tried to understand why she did this...but the reason was never clear. She said some things that struck me as odd: she said our relationship was very "convenient" and that it was "almost as if we were friends with benefits." She subsequently said that I was perfect like 8 times...and said that she wanted to be with me...and she told me about this kiss b/c she didn't want it between us. She actually told me she felt no guilt about the kiss itself, b/c it didn't mean anything.

 

I was floored. The next morning I had to go to my best friend's wedding...2 days of speeches about commitment, respect, and love...boy I thought I was going to implode. Over those 48 hours I didn't call her...she called me about 10 times but I didn't answer. Finally when I got back to town I went to her place and broke up with her.

 

She begged me not to do so. She said "do you really want a one second kiss to destroy 5 months of wonderful time together?" She cried and said that she really liked me...more than all the other guys she has dated...and said she thought we had a future. I asked her about the "friends with benefits" and "convenience" stuff and she said those words didn't come out right and that's not what she meant. She said her kissing the other guy made her realize how important I was to her. I held strong to my resolve to break up (many friends advised me to break up)...and I walked out with a hole in my heart the size of texas.

 

So here's the thing: I am leaving town in 2 months and moving a thousand miles away. She's got another year of school here...I figured given that this happened there's no way our relationship could be salvaged. But after breaking up with her (it's been a few days), I am wondering if I made a mistake. I really really care about this girl...she has been a huge part of my life, and I'm just not sure what to do. Everyone told me to break up with her so I did it. I know there are obvious trust issues...and those would make a long distance relationship tough if not impossible...but I'm 30 years old and I've never had a girl that makes me as happy as this one. Part of me feels like I will always regret not giving her a 2nd chance...I've made mistakes in life too.

 

I'm just confused and don't know what to do. What do you guys think?

 

Thanks for anyone who read through my huge post.

 

FN

[eraser]

Very complicated situation. However, my first instinct is to tell you to get rid of her. Why? Because she tried to justify the cheating. That is a pretty big red flag.

[linwood]

I'm just confused and don't know what to do. What do you guys think?

 

I think you`re either an idiot or very young and inexperienced.

 

It was just a kiss, a kiss she didn`t initiate nor continue.

She felt guilty and told you about it when it would have been easier for her to just forget about it.

 

She took your feelings into consideration which is something most people would not do over such a small thing.

 

She`s obviously seriously attached and cares for you considering the remorse and need for contact.

 

You messed up, fix it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I was floored. The next morning I had to go to my best friend's wedding...2 days of speeches about commitment, respect, and love...boy I thought I was going to implode. Over those 48 hours I didn't call her...she called me about 10 times but I didn't answer. Finally when I got back to town I went to her place and broke up with her.

 

She begged me not to do so. She said "do you really want a one second kiss to destroy 5 months of wonderful time together?"

 

oh, she's good....she's really good.

 

 

She cried and said that she really liked me...more than all the other guys she has dated

 

then what was she doing with another guy, NEVER mentioning she has a bf to him, and not backing away immediately?

 

And I have a newsflash for you.....she didn't back away or stop it. Its what cheaters do...they tell you a half truth to cover up a whole lie.

 

She didn't tell this guy she had a bf because she wanted to keep her options open. So my guess is they had a full blown make out session, if not more, and she figured there might be a way you'd find out, so she finally told you.

 

 

and said she thought we had a future.

 

ya...so much that she was in the company of another guy that she wanted. If she thought you and her had a future, then what was she doing with this other guy? Sorry, she is trying to play with your head into not dumping her.

 

 

 

So here's the thing: I am leaving town in 2 months and moving a thousand miles away. She's got another year of school here...I figured given that this happened there's no way our relationship could be salvaged. But after breaking up with her (it's been a few days), I am wondering if I made a mistake.

 

no, you didn't make a mistake. If she could allow this to happen this early in your relationship, what do you think will happen when the honeymoon is over?

 

 

I really really care about this girl...she has been a huge part of my life

 

5 months is not a huge part of anyone's life.

 

 

and I'm just not sure what to do. Everyone told me to break up with her so I did it.

 

they are right

 

 

I know there are obvious trust issues...and those would make a long distance relationship tough if not impossible...but I'm 30 years old and I've never had a girl that makes me as happy as this one. Part of me feels like I will always regret not giving her a 2nd chance...I've made mistakes in life too.

 

cheating isn't a mistake.

 

 

I'm just confused and don't know what to do. What do you guys think?

 

stay broken up with her and move on...you are just going to have to trust me on this one.

 

you give her a 2nd chance, and you will regret it. Only way a 2nd chance would work with someone like her is if her socializing with other guys when not part of a group, or partying without you is non-existent. you really want to have to be her warden and keep her from being in situations she has already proven she can't handle?

 

again, there was a reason she didn't tell this guy she had a boyfriend.

[Dexter Morgan]

You messed up, fix it.

 

How the hell did HE mess up? He wasn't the one that kissed someone else. He didn't mess up.....SHE did.

 

and as far as her not continuing or starting the kiss....ya tell me another good one. She didn't tell this other guy she had a boyfriend for a reason. And it wasn't to be caught off guard with a kiss to pull away after a few moments passed by. I don't believe for a minute she pulled away.

 

Again, cheaters have a way of telling a half truth to cover up a whole lie to make it APPEAR as if they are honest. Been there done that with the lines I was fed and I recognize this little "he kissed me, but I pulled away" thing.

[SadKitty78]

I think you`re either an idiot or very young and inexperienced.

 

It was just a kiss, a kiss she didn`t initiate nor continue.

She felt guilty and told you about it when it would have been easier for her to just forget about it.

 

She took your feelings into consideration which is something most people would not do over such a small thing.

 

She`s obviously seriously attached and cares for you considering the remorse and need for contact.

 

You messed up, fix it.

 

 

Not sure if you're male or female, but you are very flexible about what you constitute cheating (and I hope you sincerely would actually not be upset if your significant other did what his GF did), but his GF misrepresented to this guy that she had a bf, which essentially is an invitation for him to at least make the moves and kiss her, which whether she did not initiate at that point or not is irrelevant. Also she told him maybe it was guilt she had that she wanted to get off her chest and FEEL BETTER and not necessarily because she cared about him. This is just a slippery slope in my opinion and if someone's boundaries with other guys, once she's in a relationship, is this loose and flexible, I'd worry. To the OP, let her go. I don't think you want to be in a relationship with someone like this.

[PrettyinInk]

She actually told me she felt no guilt about the kiss itself, b/c it didn't mean anything.

 

"I know i had sex with that guy, but it didn't mean anything, so it doesn't count."

 

seriously though, this is the only statement that concerned me; how could she not feel guilty about the possibility of hurting you? she sounds kind of selfish. if she would have just given you a heartfelt apology, i would normally say that a kiss can be forgiven, but she didn't, and that is very telling.

[linwood]

Not sure if you're male or female, but you are very flexible about what you constitute cheating (and I hope you sincerely would actually not be upset if your significant other did what his GF did)

 

I`m male and certainly I`d be upset about it.

Not upset enough to throw away what was a good relationship prior to the kiss.

 

She ****ed up once and not really in a big way.

It was a kiss, she didn`t take him anally and let him finish orally.

It just seems a kinda extreme punishment for the crime.

 

She came clean voluntarily.

Most people would not do this.

This leads me to believe she has some ethical foundation.

 

She has been hounding him with remorse, it seems she learned a lesson and does seriously value their relationship as it appears it`s tearing her up with guilt.

People don`t feel guilty for cheating on someone they don`t care about.

 

I`m not saying to forget all about it and run off and marry the girl but dumping her over something so trivial in comparison to most relationship troubles seems excessive.

 

I`d forgive her, make it very apparent this **** isn`t acceptable, keep an eye on her actions, and never bring it up again as long as she doesn`t repeat the behavior.

 

It just seems so senseless to toss away what by all other accounts is a good thing over a guilt ridden regretted kiss when I read many success stories of couples who have overcome real infidelity to move on to good relationships.

 

It`s a waste.

 

If my wife came to me tonight and confessed what the OP`s GF did should I dump her and run or try to work it out?

 

Granted he only has 5 months invested so it may not be that big a deal in the long run if he dumps her over this but the point is he will never know what might have been if he does.

[SadKitty78]

Linwood,

 

I do understand your point of view and you make some valid points. It's really an issue of how the person perceives the situation, whether it violates any of their sense of self respect to stay in the relationship and whether they can move on knowing what they know and continue to trust this person. We also don't know his gf's motives in telling him. Part of me gets the impression she somewhat enjoyed rubbing that fact into his face. I get this impression because the OP mentioned how she would seem to indicate that her relationship with him felt almost like "a friends with benefits" arrangement. (OP quotes: "She said some things that struck me as odd: she said our relationship was very "convenient" and that it was "almost as if we were friends with benefits.")

 

In the end, our advice and our perspective doesn't really matter and it's ultimately up to the OP.

[Bleed Internal]

My ex-girlfriend kissed another guy at a party three months into our relationship, three days after we told each other "I love you" for the first time.

 

I never trusted her again. I lost respect for her and cheated. She eventually cheated on me too. When a girl shows her true colors, learn from it, and move on. I know I'll never make the mistake of sticking around with a girl who betrays me. I hope you don't either.

[MorningCoffee]

Ending it IMHO was the right thing. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

 

I was in the early stages of a R and my GF was out one night with a GF of hers. My GF told me the next day that two of them had hopped on motorcycles with a couple guys from the bar they did not know for a "ride" and ended up at a closed city park, where she kissed her guy. She said, she TOLD him she felt guilty because of me. Like this info was supposed to make me feel -- what? that she's honest? -- Despite my misgivings (not to mention how risky is that, leaving a bar with a stranger for a closed park???), I put it down to alcohol, the influence of the friend, and the fact that there were 4 people. They came back to the bar and split and that was that (although he did give her his number, which she said she discarded that night).

 

BUT the fact is she WAS kissing some stranger while FEELING or KNOWING she was 'cheating' on me by doing so. Maybe it was just a kiss on the cheek, like 'thanks for the ride,' but if that was the case, why confess to the guy that she was feeling guilty b/c of me?

 

Our R is now long over, but I have thought back to that incident early on and wondered if we had stuck, how would I have able to trust her in the future?

[linwood]

 

In the end, our advice and our perspective doesn't really matter and it's ultimately up to the OP.

 

 

Very true sadkitty.

 

I just see so many jaded people on this sight immediately screaming "DUMP THEM!!" over the slightest mistake.

(I`m not implying you are one of these people as from your posts I don`t think you are)

 

I worry that some poor fool who came here needing rational help will perhaps lose what may have been a great thing because he was unaware the bulk of advice being given to him was coming from some seriously messed up people.

 

Most people here are "messed up" because they are crushed and heartbroken bitter and mad like we all are when in the midst of emotional upheaval.

 

They won`t be "messed up" forever but to take their advice right now needs a rather large grain of salt accompanying it.

 

As far as the op goes it was her voluntary admission and serious remorse that would lead me to give her another chance.

 

I may very well be wrong but I think the OP should give himself the chance to find out.

[Dexter Morgan]

I`m male and certainly I`d be upset about it.

Not upset enough to throw away what was a good relationship prior to the kiss.

 

if it was a good relationship, there shouldn't have even been an opportunity to be in that position in the first place.

 

and this is a girl that never told the guy she had a boyfriend.....care to guess why?

 

 

She ****ed up once and not really in a big way.

 

so she says....again, I smell the "half truth to cover up a whole lie" thing here.

 

and yes, she told him after a few weeks...more than likely because he may have found out from someone the guy himself.

 

 

It was a kiss, she didn`t take him anally and let him finish orally.

It just seems a kinda extreme punishment for the crime.

 

no, an extreme punishment for the crime would be to stay with her and browbeat her over it for months on end.

 

she cheated, plain and simple, and OP doesn't like being cheated on and can't trust her....therefore he doesn't want to be with her. not a punishment, a choice about how he wants to live his life.

 

 

She has been hounding him with remorse, it seems she learned a lesson and does seriously value their relationship as it appears it`s tearing her up with guilt.

People don`t feel guilty for cheating on someone they don`t care about.

 

i don't get a whole lot of "guilt" when someone makes a statement to the effect of "your not going to throw it all away on one little kiss are you?" to downplay what she did.

 

 

I`m not saying to forget all about it and run off and marry the girl but dumping her over something so trivial in comparison to most relationship troubles seems excessive.

 

its not trivial. she never told the guy she had a bf...she didn't want to scare the guy off...she wanted to keep him as an option. She didn't tell him she was committed because she wanted to see where it would go.

 

this wasn't just something that happened out of the blue....she planned for this to happen. Otherwise in the midst of hanging out, she would have said at some point and time..."ya, me and my boyfriend.....yadda yadda."

 

but not one mention of her bf to this guy. again, she knew what she was doing.

 

 

I`d forgive her, make it very apparent this **** isn`t acceptable, keep an eye on her actions, and never bring it up again as long as she doesn`t repeat the behavior.

 

whats the point in being with anyone you have to keep an eye on?

 

 

 

It`s a waste.

 

no, its a waste to have a good relationship, but one person isn't still completely satisfied and seeks attention from someone else.

 

 

Granted he only has 5 months invested so it may not be that big a deal in the long run if he dumps her over this but the point is he will never know what might have been if he does.

 

yes, only 5 months...claims to be a great relationship and ALREADY she is cheating and cozying up to a guy.

 

So question is, if she is committed and has a bf, what is she doing spending all this time with another guy and not telling him she has a bf?

[Dexter Morgan]

Ending it IMHO was the right thing. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

 

exactly!!!!!!

[Dexter Morgan]

Very true sadkitty.

 

I just see so many jaded people on this sight immediately screaming "DUMP THEM!!" over the slightest mistake.

 

it wasn't a mistake. she was building up to something with this guy. she put herself in the position of being with him alone because she wanted to see where it would go.

 

 

I worry that some poor fool who came here needing rational help will perhaps lose what may have been a great thing because he was unaware the bulk of advice being given to him was coming from some seriously messed up people.

 

No, we have just been there and done that and know that there is a slim chance that when someone cheats that they never do it again.

 

 

As far as the op goes it was her voluntary admission and serious remorse that would lead me to give her another chance.

 

she had no choice but to tell him. If she spent a good amount of time with this guy, then the chances of her bf finding out from him or someone else would have been good.

[fn3501]

Thanks for your comments. I'm honestly not sure why she told me...the other guy was actually in a different city not here (I would probably have never found out)...and she claimed she felt no guilt (I'm not sure how that was even possible).

 

The thing that just makes me feel rotten is that I would NEVER do this to her. I really cared about her and wish I could have made her happy (as pathetic as that sounds). I would never put myself in a situation where she would feel uncomfortable or jealous.

 

I guess at the end of the day I feel like she didn't even care about me enough to tell the other guy...and that really hurts. She does attract a lot of attention from guys and she does like the attention...but I always thought she had strong morals and would not do this to someone she was dating.

 

Honestly, I don't think I've felt this bad since my dad died a few years ago...I really don't know which way is up. I feel like someone I cared about didn't care much for me...and I feel like someone I trusted let me down...and I feel like in "doing the right thing" I've let go of the best thing that's happened to me in a long time (minus this ugly incident)...and I lost my best friend.

 

Thanks for the support guys.

Edited April 14, 2010 by fn3501

[SadKitty78]

I really don't know which way is up. I feel like someone I cared about didn't care much for me...and I feel like someone I trusted let me down...and I feel like in "doing the right thing" I've let go of the best thing that's happened to me in a long time (minus this ugly incident)...and I lost my best friend.

 

Thanks for the support guys.

 

Trust me, I know exactly how you're feeling! This last week has been hellish for me. (My post is in this section called "Did Not Like What I Saw" and you can read it if you'd like, and I'd actually like your perspective on it), but I felt the same way - that "someone I cared so much about didn't care for me and someone I trusted let me down". I feel you are doing the right thing in letting it go. It may be painful now, but you would feel worse if she cheated on you later down the line and at that point you'd be feeling bad that you had seen the signs but let it slide. I think any doubts and second thoughts you may be having has more to do with the fact that you are mourning the death of this relationship so all you can focus on right now are the good times and memories. Just remember how she made you feel when you found out. I also feel that deep down you know you made the right decision, one that is in line with your sense of self respect.

[fn3501]

I'd like to thank people for their input here.

 

Sadkitty, perhaps you are right...I'm not sure I could respect myself if I get back together with this girl...although right now it's hard to get by without her. For her to stay with another guy she was attracted to...and to kiss him and not even TELL him about me...it means I just didn't matter to her. In my opinion the whole act that ensued was just b/c she didn't think I'd break it off. Just makes me feel like crap though b/c I thought we had something special.

 

I did read your thread, and I think you need to talk to your bf about why he has those pics. Maybe he just hasn't thought to erase them? Either way, as long as he has no contact with the girl I'd give him a shot. If he's still talking to her then..well...you have a problem. I hope your situation doesn't end like mine.

 

Cheers

FN

[Left in a Lurch]

She said "do you really want a one second kiss to destroy 5 months of wonderful time together?"

FN

 

Your answer should have been "no, but you obviously did".

 

With what she did and how she handled it, she established a pattern. It's one thing if it happened, and another how she handled it.

 

You have to consider the amazing time you had over the past few months wasn't as amazing for her or else she would not have done it or handled it the way she did. It doesn't mean she didn't have fun but it wasn't as special for her as it was for you. How will you feel in the future when you have a great time but secretly wonder if she is only pretending?

[Dexter Morgan]

The thing that just makes me feel rotten is that I would NEVER do this to her.

 

thats the difference between you and her. you loved and respected her enough to never even let it enter your mind....and she didn't love and respect you enough to play this other guy along and let him think she wasn't in a committed relationship so she could see where it led.

 

You need to find someone that feels the same way, otherwise you WILL be miserable with this girl in the future.