fn3501 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 (edited) Hi Guys and Gals, I've been dating a girl for almost 5 months now. She's the best girl (for me) that I've ever dated and so many amazing things I like about her: she's brilliant, she's motivated, she's beautiful, she's funny and engaging, she's not materialistic...I could go on and on...but let's say this: I've had more fun in my 4 months with her than all my time with other women combined. Now to the story: About a month ago she became just a little distant. We spent a little less time with each other...but over the last 2-3 weeks things became better. A few days ago she told me that in the beginning of march she kissed another guy. Turns out it was an old friend of hers from school...she was staying at his place for an interview. Apparently he had initiated the kiss but she didn't back away. After the kiss she kind of pushed him away. She never told him she had a boyfriend (even though we'd been dating for 3+ months at that time) and she didn't tell me about it for 3 weeks. When she told me I controlled myself...I wanted to be hurtful but I wasn't. I tried to understand why she did this...but the reason was never clear. She said some things that struck me as odd: she said our relationship was very "convenient" and that it was "almost as if we were friends with benefits." She subsequently said that I was perfect like 8 times...and said that she wanted to be with me...and she told me about this kiss b/c she didn't want it between us. She actually told me she felt no guilt about the kiss itself, b/c it didn't mean anything. I was floored. The next morning I had to go to my best friend's wedding...2 days of speeches about commitment, respect, and love...boy I thought I was going to implode. Over those 48 hours I didn't call her...she called me about 10 times but I didn't answer. Finally when I got back to town I went to her place and broke up with her. She begged me not to do so. She said "do you really want a one second kiss to destroy 5 months of wonderful time together?" She cried and said that she really liked me...more than all the other guys she has dated...and said she thought we had a future. I asked her about the "friends with benefits" and "convenience" stuff and she said those words didn't come out right and that's not what she meant. She said her kissing the other guy made her realize how important I was to her. I held strong to my resolve to break up (many friends advised me to break up)...and I walked out with a hole in my heart the size of texas. So here's the thing: I am leaving town in 2 months and moving a thousand miles away. She's got another year of school here...I figured given that this happened there's no way our relationship could be salvaged. But after breaking up with her (it's been a few days), I am wondering if I made a mistake. I really really care about this girl...she has been a huge part of my life, and I'm just not sure what to do. Everyone told me to break up with her so I did it. I know there are obvious trust issues...and those would make a long distance relationship tough if not impossible...but I'm 30 years old and I've never had a girl that makes me as happy as this one. Part of me feels like I will always regret not giving her a 2nd chance...I've made mistakes in life too. I'm just confused and don't know what to do. What do you guys think? Thanks for anyone who read through my huge post. FN Edited April 14, 2010 by fn3501
bayouboi Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 But after breaking up with her (it's been a few days), I am wondering if I made a mistake. First of all, you didn't make a mistake she did. Second, only you can know whether or not you could live with the nagging feeling that the next time she needs to realize how much she values you she compares you to some guy she has meaningless sex with. To add, you can't EVER go by what a woman says...only by what she does.
123BeachFan Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 If I were in your shoes, before I'd consider taking her back, I'd want complete clarification on what she meant on the "Friends With Benefits" and "Convenience" comments. I'm thinking that she's saying that at the time she kissed the other guy, she didn't think that you and she were in anything more than a casual, non-exclusive relationship. So, at the time she kissed this guy, were you two expressly exclusive? Aside from assuming, had you two had The Talk about your relationship and whether you two were dating others as well? And if you two were to get back together, are you both agreeing to go exclusive at this point? And no, this doesn't mean you have to agree to get married, but just be BF and GF.
boogieboy Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 First of all, you'll find another one wherever youre going. Her excuse of the FWB was the lamest thing I ever heard. She couldnt even think up something good to hide her cheating. She kissed another guy which means she was emotionally turned on by this guy. Which means she felt something missing with you. THATS why you broke up with her. Whatever problem she had in your relationship, she didnt tell you until AFTER she kissed this guy. Its also convienient that she stayed at the house of the guy that she was attracted enough to kiss. She also might think that if she tells you what sounds like shes telling you everything, that you wont think more might have happened. Like shes not telling you that it was a heavy makeout session, and he was actually an ex boyfriend that dumped her prior to you. You did the right thing. You dont want a long distance thing with her after this. Soon as you touch down 1000 miles away, she will be back at that guys house. Remember, you thought she was this great girl, but all this time something was missing for her and she NEVER mentioned it before this. She probably wasnt as into you as you were into her.
phineas Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I hate to say this but people don't get distant on you if they just kissed someone. In fact if it was no big deal & it meant nothing & she didn't feel guilt over it like she said then there was no reason for her to even tell you. right? I'm willing to bet more than just kissing went on. She put herself willingly in that situation. I'm also betting he was more like an EX than a "friend" Did she tell you she was staying at a guys house or a friends house? I don't think it matters. I think you did the right thing. She sounds like trouble.
Rorschach Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Eh complicated situation but I feel that her being open with you and telling you even when you would never have known meant that she not only trusts you but felt extremely guilty about what she did, something she would only feel if she really cared for you. Personally I'd take her back but be very careful and make it clear that your extremely unhappy with the current situation and that something needs to change.
Author fn3501 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 One other issue guys: In the next 4 weeks she has to decide where she's going to take a job that lasts 3 years. I know that the city where I'm moving holds one of her top few choices...but there's a chance she could end up somewhere else. I never really felt comfortable forcing her to move near me...I think she wanted me to. So not only is there a guarantee we'll be long distance for one year...there's a chance she may go somewhere else after that.
eraser Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Oh, I guess I'll post this here, too: Very complicated situation. However, my first instinct is to tell you to get rid of her. Why? Because she tried to justify the cheating. That is a pretty big red flag.
Sevenscars Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 You did the right thing. There's girls out there that will happily respect your relationship without kissing other guys.
boogieboy Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 One other issue guys: In the next 4 weeks she has to decide where she's going to take a job that lasts 3 years. I know that the city where I'm moving holds one of her top few choices...but there's a chance she could end up somewhere else. I never really felt comfortable forcing her to move near me...I think she wanted me to. So not only is there a guarantee we'll be long distance for one year...there's a chance she may go somewhere else after that. Encourage her to take the job someplace that ISNT where you are. You dont want this girl in your life that justifies cheating, but doesnt tell you what was missing to do it.
Author fn3501 Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice. I think everyone here has a point, and I value everyone's opinion. As the days go by I am becoming more and more hurt by her actions...so I doubt I will be able to ever trust her and reconcile. I truly feel that she doesn't give a crap about me...and she only showed remorse after I broke up with her.
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