shadowofman Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Sort of a philosophical or psychological conclusion I'm working toward here. Cheating implies a game rules have been clearly defined going into a relationship. And in some relationships they are clearly defined in advance. Sometimes we assume that these rules are universal and are astounded when someone offends our preconceived rules. Sometimes we don't even know something is going to bother us until a partner does it. These are difficulties of the reality of relationship experiments. This in mind, "cheating" does not have an objective definition by nature. There is a majority definition of cheating, which I believe is based on sexual contact, but one persons cheater can be perfectly acceptable behavior to another. Porn is a great example of this. It is completely in a persons right to forbid their SO from watching porn if such an act offends them as a person, even when a large portion of the population considers porn a normal indulgence. Such variety in subjective views on "cheating" creates a great tendency for relationships to be unbalanced. Again, with porn, a typical relationship might find the man's feelings toward porn perfectly acceptable (not cheating), while his female partner might be offended by voyeurism of external stimulus (porn is cheating). These mismatches in subjective offenses are the root of infidelity, and I think that these offenses can be further classified. IMO, they start with possessive behavior. This is a base feeling of hurt when a person whom you deem as yours somehow acts inappropriately toward another most often physically but not limited to physical contact. I believe this also works inversely to where one wants to be the sole possession of another. One wants to be treasured, and for their SO to "only have eyes for them". I believe this to be the most common form of relationship offense and hence the reason that physical affairs are of the most concern for those that are concerned at all with "cheating". It goes without saying that possession is not limited to physical touch but can concern emotions. People also covet the "hearts" of others, though this is less black and white. A whole new set of subjective definitions of "cheating" exist in the emotional relationships we have with other people. Some people would suggest that as long as you are not making life long goals with the person, then you are not cheating. Others might not want their SO to speak to anyone of the opposite sex. This means that there is a strong link between emotional possession and physical possession. But still others might feel threatened by their SO's same sex relationships without hint of physical bond. I will boldly claim that possessiveness is directly a result of feelings of insecurity. Some people don't like to be called insecure but in itself, insecurity is nothing to be ashamed of. There really and truly is a threat that you may loss a partner. Regardless of the likelihood of losing your partner, or the rationality of your insecurity, the negative and uncontrollable feelings of possession felt are a reality. Suppress them or embrace them as you will. I think there is another form of "cheating" which is noteworthy, and that is based on jealousy. Maybe your SO demands that you curb a behavior because it offends them, such as watching porn. But then personally indulges in watching porn. This is liable to inspire negative feelings in you. You might feel as if your SO is cheating in spite of the fact that you find porn acceptable. So it is possible for your partner to "cheat" the rules of the game in spite of the fact that you don't think the action is cheating. Trust me this is the most infuriating scenario and it comes in far more varieties than watching porn. Maybe your SO has opposite sex friends but refused your right to, etc. In this situation you could claim that their partner is cheating and it has nothing to do with your own insecurities, but with the insecurities of the cheating partner. Convoluted but a real problem I think for some relationships. Any thoughtful responses? Additions to my hypothesis?
xxoo Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Maybe your SO demands that you curb a behavior because it offends them, such as watching porn. But then personally indulges in watching porn. This is liable to inspire negative feelings in you. You might feel as if your SO is cheating in spite of the fact that you find porn acceptable. So it is possible for your partner to "cheat" the rules of the game in spite of the fact that you don't think the action is cheating. Trust me this is the most infuriating scenario and it comes in far more varieties than watching porn. Maybe your SO has opposite sex friends but refused your right to, etc. To the bolded, maybe it is not "cheating" if you do not consider porn cheating, but it is dishonest and breaking a trust in the relationship. It doesn't have to be "cheating proper" to be damaging to the relationship. If my partner believe porn--or friends of the opposite sex--were cheating, that would inform me of his experience of porn or friends of the opposite sex. It would tell me about him. So then, if he indulged in those things after insisting that, to him, they are cheating--then, yes, I would think there was something very wrong about that. I would want to know exactly why he felt it was ok in his situation; I would want to examine the inconsistency between his actions and his words. Yes, I agree that in this case it has more to do with the insecurities of the partner (restricting your behavior due to their insecurities), but it also has to do with weak character of the partner. Often (not always), jealousy comes from being personally untrustworthy. If I know I am likely to cheat with an opposite sex friend, then I project that onto my partner and feel that he is likely to cheat with an opposite sex friend--thus restricting such friendships. If the same person is suddenly indulging in an opposite sex friendship, it would raise red flags for me.
carhill Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 OP, in your relationship, if you feel that your SO's contact with an ex who is still in love with her is not cheating, then it's not, in your relationship. You and your SO define your relationship. How does she feel about you having contact with ex'es? I don't recall if you mentioned that. Drilling down to the nuances might be great exercise for the brain, but what is it bringing to *your* relationship's health? After dealing with this dynamic, I believe people will do what they do and I accept that. If those thoughts, feelings and/or actions breach boundaries I've established (or someone else's, in the case of myself), enforcing the boundary and, if necessary, ending the relationship is the clear path. What's your boundary? How do you enforce it? I'll give an example of a boundary, one I've posted prior. MC taught me the concept of inappropriate attachments which prioritize that attachment over the primary relationship. This is gender and sex neutral. So, my boundary is I don't discuss and don't allow discussion of private relationship business and feelings with outside parties other than in a professional environment, like a counselor. I do not want my best friend to look my spouse in the eyes and know what goes on in our bedroom or in other aspects of our intimacy. Simply, if I or my spouse can't say what we're saying about each other in front of the other to a third party, it's inappropriate. It doesn't matter what gender the other party is. The primary relationship is the priority and its sanctity is to be preserved. Others may disagree with that perspective. They will not have a relationship with me and I will thank them for their candor. You decide your boundaries. Then, enforce them. If a particular action or dynamic is unacceptable, then it is. Express that, clearly. 'I find that behavior to be unacceptable. I feel I am not a priority here'. Listen to the response. If it does not match with your boundaries, restate the boundary. If there is no acknowledgment of the boundary, leave. The above is what I should have done in my marriage and is one of the lessons learned from its failure. Instead, I sought out an inappropriate attachment which I prioritized over the M. Stbx enforced her boundaries by divorcing me. In reality, I should have left years ago, properly, but wasn't healthy enough to see that. Lesson learned. So, in the opposite friend dynamic, as described, I would respond, if such friends were not a breach of my boundaries, 'By accepting your opposite sex friends, I expect acceptance of my opposite sex friends' Then, I would behave in a manner which is healthy for me. If I didn't perceive clear mutual acceptance, the dynamic would get one more visit and, if no joy, I'd be gone. Such dynamics point to incompatibility, hence an unhealthy relationship. Better to move on
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