Why do I still love her?

[strugglingfor4]

The list of what she'd done to me is endless:

1. Cheated on me for several months with the OM after we got married

2. Drained my money and part of my youth while dating.. I had to buy expensive things and if I was broken she would cancel the date

3. Insulted my engagement ring and made me buy another one more expensive

4. Did not once visited me when I was sick (when we were dating)

5. Doesn't see nothing wrong with her cheating and isn't remorseful at all

6. Doesn't care that we're going to divorce

 

So can someone tell me how to get her out of my mind? I still love her, which is my great weakness. I feel very vulnerable sometimes and will probably have a hard time saying no if she begs, cries and tells me the affair was a mistake.

 

Is there a way I can stop thinking about her? I don't why do I still love this woman even after all she did. I guess I've always been weak when it comes to saying no.

[Yamaha]

B/C you have no self respect for yourself.

Grow some balls, divorce this gold digger you married and read up on getting some self esteem.

[lostsunsets]

I will have to agree with yamaha. Ditch her and find someone who will love and respect you. If she begs and pleads. Make her sell her engagement ring and give you back the money. Then dump her anyway and go to vegas and have a great time.

[MadMission]

strugglingfor4,

 

It may be that you have some co-dependency issues.

 

Co-dependents tend to continue wanting and loving the person who mistreats them.

They make excuses for them...and tend to be protective of their 'abuser.' They allow themselves to be disrespected because they really are emotionally dependent on the person and cannot bring themselves to effectively stand up for themselves. They avoid conflict. The thought of losing the 'abuser' is unbearable. The co-dependent typically puts their 'abusers' wants and needs ahead of thier own. It's an unhealthy dynamic in that the co-dependent will compromise themselves... their dignity and self-respect... by allowing and tolerating ongoing mistreatment.

 

There are some good books out there on this subject.

I belive one is titled "Codependent No More."

May be worth a look.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You need a moment of clarity, but once you have it. Your gonna feel angry and that anger is gonna fuel your detachment. Your only focused on what you want her to be. But you need to open your eyes and she the woman that she is...

 

You'll be better off!

[BlueeyedJonesy]

She wasn't happy with the ring you gave her and made you buy another?!?!?! that should have been your sign to turn around and runnnn!

 

I agree with a pp about being co-dependent, you need to find yourself..and your voice. You deserve better.

[ConflictedGuy27]

You need a moment of clarity, but once you have it. Your gonna feel angry and that anger is gonna fuel your detachment. Your only focused on what you want her to be. But you need to open your eyes and she the woman that she is...

 

You'll be better off!

 

Based on a similar experience I had in my M I have to say Chrome is right when he says being in a more "clear" place will help you see better - and oh yes, when you're seeing your situation as clear as a neutral 3rd party does, you get angry (finally) and it will fuel your detatchment.

 

I got to this place by having as little contact with my STBX as possible and I went to IC weekly, until I was strong enough to scale my sessions back a bit. I also read a lot of articles and books relevant to my situation. Doing these things while contact was severed from my ex helped me arrive in that indifference/anger stage. Believe me, that stage feels very appropraite when u get there. It's kind of shocking cause you look at the facts of how she's treated you and you'll say to yourself - "Wait a minute... She did what?! Fu*k that!!" and begin to behaive accordingly.

 

Regarding the feelings and memories of love you have, in my short experience moving on from a similar situation you have to internalize at least 3 things:

 

1. If she ever did love you, she stopped doing so a long time ago. I say if because she's a narcissist, like my STBX, she never did love you because they don't love anything except themselves.

 

2. She DOES NOT RESPECT YOU! Let that sink in for a second and repeat after me "That's Fu*king BULL SH*T!!" and make no mistake, it is, and you don't need to keep volunteering to take it. She does not respect you.

 

3. This one is what I've found the most powerful for moving past this and your feelings of "love". You must do things that trump those memories: you must go out; you must have fun; you MUST FLIRT and talk to women; you must update your wardrobe; you must work out; you must look good every place you go and you must relearn how to attract and seduce women (not for the purpose of replacing your STBX with a LTR, NO! This is for a boost in confidence, my friend.)

 

I can not emphasize how important it is, to your self respect as a man, the first post STBX chit chat with a nice, normal woman that's into you. For the love of God don't date her yet, as your baggage is likely massive (i'm still unpacking mine). The point of number 3 above is it will show you, clear as effing crystal, that (i) there are more women out there; (ii) there are BETTER women out there; & (iii) many would love an opportunity to get to know you better.

 

As cliche as it sounds, it's true, work on you - that's how you let go of your repulsive STBX - and oh yes, I am understating the facts when I use the word "repulsive". Let her crash and burn; it's hard, I know, but move out of the way and sail on to better places.

[wheelwright]

The list of what she'd done to me is endless:

1. Cheated on me for several months with the OM after we got married

2. Drained my money and part of my youth while dating.. I had to buy expensive things and if I was broken she would cancel the date

3. Insulted my engagement ring and made me buy another one more expensive

4. Did not once visited me when I was sick (when we were dating)

5. Doesn't see nothing wrong with her cheating and isn't remorseful at all

6. Doesn't care that we're going to divorce

 

So can someone tell me how to get her out of my mind? I still love her, which is my great weakness. I feel very vulnerable sometimes and will probably have a hard time saying no if she begs, cries and tells me the affair was a mistake.

 

Is there a way I can stop thinking about her? I don't why do I still love this woman even after all she did. I guess I've always been weak when it comes to saying no.

 

 

Love is complex and generous - and so it should be.

 

So what is it about her that you love but don't just want to have for yourself?

 

Do you want her happiness? To cherish her as another human being you care for?

 

Love is giving, and should be reciprical. When it isn't, it isn't love we mourn, but the negative feelings we have because the child in us isn't loved as we would want.

 

Do you love her -i.e want her to live a happy full life, or do you want to have her? Should you start to imagine love for her as wanting her to be happy? Even if that includes you less?

 

Is it possible you still want to 'have her' rather than really 'loving her'?

[stillafool]

Strugglingfor4 how old are you and your wife? Do you have children?

[Tommy's Girl]

The list of what she'd done to me is endless:

1. Cheated on me for several months with the OM after we got married

2. Drained my money and part of my youth while dating.. I had to buy expensive things and if I was broken she would cancel the date

3. Insulted my engagement ring and made me buy another one more expensive

4. Did not once visited me when I was sick (when we were dating)

5. Doesn't see nothing wrong with her cheating and isn't remorseful at all

6. Doesn't care that we're going to divorce

 

So can someone tell me how to get her out of my mind? I still love her, which is my great weakness. I feel very vulnerable sometimes and will probably have a hard time saying no if she begs, cries and tells me the affair was a mistake.

 

Is there a way I can stop thinking about her? I don't why do I still love this woman even after all she did. I guess I've always been weak when it comes to saying no.

 

She has so many obvious character flaws. What in the world did (do) you love about her?!

[boomboom63]

 

Love is giving, and should be reciprical. When it isn't, it isn't love we mourn, but the negative feelings we have because the child in us isn't loved as we would want.

 

 

This is the bottom line - so so so accurate

[2sure]

Have you ever had a loving relationship with a partner who treated you well?

 

I ask only because many of us have not or with not much else to compare it to...seem to accept "crappy" love over no love at all.

 

People get used to having bad relationships, even with different partners.

You just have to say to yourself :

I'm not positive what a great loving relationship feels like, but I KNOW this aint it. Then, steel yourself to hold out and find out. Once you have been treated well by even one partner (whether it is a lasting relationship or not) you will be like: Why on earth would I ever have felt attracted to anything less?

[angie2443]

I guess I've always been weak when it comes to saying no.

 

I think this might be a good starting point for you. Why do you have problems saying no? I would work on this and find a way to fix this.

 

I think, in a way, your problem has nothing to do with your wife. Forget about her for a while and fix yourself. Once you get stronger, I'm sure you'll find it easier to leave her and you'll be much less likely to hook up with someone like her in the future. Goodluck.

[troggleputty]

Struggling,

 

you asked what would get her out of your mind.

 

The most practical and serious response to your actual question is that as soon as possible, you should find another woman, or multiple women, and start having sex with her or them. IOW get back in the saddle ASAP.

 

This is not to say you should get emotionally involved at this point.

[Dexter Morgan]

So can someone tell me how to get her out of my mind?

 

yes find a good woman. Your wife isn't anything of the sort. Let her be some other poor saps problem.

 

once you find a good woman that won't do this, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner

[Steadfast]

The heart and the head are two different things. Our minds think and reason, but our hearts feel. There's no logic where the heart is concerned. It loves who it loves. You may indeed have co-dependency or other physiological issues. The best way to know this is to honestly ask yourself; are all of your relationships the same? Are you attracted to the same kind of woman?

 

At one point I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn't 'get over' my cheating ex-wife. Like yours, things were often not good enough for her. Still, I wondered; is it just my wife, or all all women like this? The answer is; not all women are. Still, nobody is ever perfect.

 

There are ways to work through this if you don't have problems that require a professional. First is to train yourself to honestly look at her -like CG said- from a third person perspective. If history had been otherwise, would you honestly want to be with her? Or even date her?

 

Perhaps the best way to move on is to forgive. Stop trying to control her and 'fix' the problem. Don't be too hard on yourself, men instinctively want to fix and control; it's in our DNA. But you must realize that she has freedom of choice, and even if those choices aren't always good, they are hers to make. Show your love by letting go. You will if you really love her.

 

Also know this; the love you feel for her will never disappear completely. That's ok. We're human and love isn't something you can switch off like a lamp. The key is to get your heart and your head in parallel. If you can, you'll not only move past this but enjoy more rewarding relationships in the future. Love yourself.