Crazy for a girl, Leaves for her EX... How should I handle this?

[In-The-Wheat]

This started out as a long story, but it just got ridiculous...sooo I have edited it into something more coherent. Basically I fell in love with this girl, and now I'm torn apart & can not stop thinking about her.

 

Long story short, I met this girl (lets say Susie) by fate (hit it off instantly) and dated her for a little over a month (she's 21, I'm 20 both Juniors in college). To save the details, we clicked on every level, & I just fell hard for her. This may sound cheesy, but I could tell in her eyes, especially after a kiss that she was feeling the same way. We were growing closer and closer each day, falling in love.

 

Fast forward a month of being together almost daily/dinners/late nights/movies/sex/fun/etc. and we get to a week where she starts being cold and distant from me out of nowhere. Wont return texts, short on the phone, cant get together, etc. I call her at the end of the week only get her voicemail. 15 minutes later she texts me "hey, I got your voicemail, but I'm not up to talking right now. I'm sorry, I think your a good guy, but things aren't working out." I respond "You can't even look at me and say that to my face? I thought we had a good thing going." 10 minutes later, " no, I'm sorry.. I'll bring your things by sometime this week." So yes, dumped via text & without reason (could she be that cold even after what I saw in her eyes? or was she also hurt and possibly unsure?)

 

Fast forward a day or two - I end up emailing up a heart felt message trying to figure out what happened, its ridiculous she cant just talk to me face to face, and assuring her I truly cared and wanted to work it out. Nothing back. Returned her things a few days later (wanted to just drop them off, but ended up running into her - somewhat awkward as not many words were said and she wouldn't look at me.. she was also on her way to work). Then removed her from my phone and facebook the next day & went no contact for about a week. After the week I started thinking maybe I was a little to harsh, so I just PM'd her on FB saying I could have handled it better, apologized for being a jerk, best of luck with the school year, want to be friends on some level (even though its nearly impossible for me because I can't just be friends with her) and maybe we can reconnect down the road... Even tried to re-friend her. I at least wanted to end it on good terms from my side.

 

Been about a week, nothing back from her and she rejected the request. Even removed my brother from her friends.. (Is she feeling the same way about not being able to be just friends or playing games?)

 

Fast forward to last night... My friend (lets say Beth - who I once introduced to Susie one night while out in a group) calls and says "guess who I just saw... Susie". My friend Beth works at a restaurant downtown. Apparently Susie came in with a guy & from the description Beth gave me, its her EX (not sure which one though - one cheated on her, the other stole - awesome guys right & I treated her with love and kindness without a second thought).

 

So Beth seats Susie and the EX, introduces herself as their server and goes to get menus. On the way back to the table, Susie and the EX are getting up and Susie says "We're just going to leave" and she rushes out. Basically, Susie recognized Beth and it clicked that Beth was my friend & that she was probably going to tell me about Susie being with another guy.

 

So now I've been thinking WTF. Why would Susie not want me knowing, or even care if Beth told me about that? Also, she never gave me a reason for the breakup, but obviously I know now - is she trying to keep me in the dark about trying again with her EX, almost like saving me in case it doesn't work out? Or is she afraid she'll hurt me?

 

Honestly, I believe she has real feelings for me, but wants to see if the EX and her can work again (very doubtful - this dude is an F'in goon and already f'ed up). How should I handle this? I haven't tried to contact her since last week but will occasionally pass by her on the way to class on opposite sidewalks (we have 2 at the same time, live a block away from each other, and take the same route) but I wont wave or anything.

 

Should I continue NC? Ignore her completely? What do you all make of this situation... I'm in love with this girl, but this is hard to continue with. Everything is telling me "hold on" like it will be ok. This sucks, I don't see it working out with her EX & feel like we really connected. I didn't just loose my girl, I lost a great friend.

Edited April 14, 2010 by In-The-Wheat

[D-Lish]

Turn it around and look at it this way- she blew her chance.

If I started dating a guy and he left me for an ex- I'd never consider giving him a second chance.

 

Don't allow yourself to be an option if things with the guy she really loves doesn't pan out.

 

Don't pine for her- she doesn't deserve it.

[cmoney]

With the information at hand, it appears as though you were a rebound- somebody to take her mind off of her ex. You might have even been some one to make her ex jealous. Far be it for me to tell you how you should handle the situation, however, if I were in a similar situation, I would go NC and keep it that way. In my opinion, she does not owe you anything at all---except the truth! I believe that the reason she is not telling you what is going on is because she is probably unsure of what is going to happen between her and her ex. This being said, it it does not work out, she can possibly come back to you with some lame story and continue trying to build a relationship with you.

[Sazerac]

How should you handle this? You go totally NC and have nothing more to do with her. This woman is treating you with no respect whatsoever. End of story.

[In-The-Wheat]

You all have good advice, thanks. The last time I contacted her was last week through a PM on FB & I'm doing pretty well at avoiding her.. Did walk past her on the way to class yesterday though (on the opposite sidewalk) - didn't wave/say hello or anything.

 

It actually cracks me up a little that she got so weirded out by my friend being their server when she was on the date...So much so, she just got up and rushed out. I just don't understand it... If you broke up with me, why would you care if my friend saw you on a date?... it just seems odd. I can only imagine what she told her ex to make them leave. "O, ahhh the food here is terrible!" or "I know this girl, she's a b*tch!" LOL

[Jilly Bean]

Maybe she was afraid your friend would get in her face. For all you know, she was seeing this guy the whole time she was dating you, or lied to him about seeing you, and was afraid your friend would spill the beans. Who knows.

 

This is the thing - you'll probably never know the reason she ended it, or went back to this other guy, or if her feelings were genuine. And in a larger way, it doesn't matter.

 

Like the others said, continue NC. You're doing great, even though I know it sucks and is hard.

[In-The-Wheat]

Ok so I've been thinking (maybe way too much) about this and what could have triggered her being weird.. Bare with me here for this may be reaching, but it makes some sense.

 

Ok so I mentioned that we were great up until that tuesday, then she was acting odd wednesday toward me. I remember one thing I did tuesday night that may have scared her a little or put her in that mood. A little background info, one random night we are watching TV and a target commercial comes on & I mention that I wanted to know the name of the song because it sounded catchy... So she looks for it on her phone & can't find it.

 

So fast forward a little - thinking about her tuesday night while she was working on a paper and I was home doing my own thing, I went and found the song on youtube - Its called More to Luv by Minnutes. It was one with lyrics spelled out, really cute and catchy tune so I figured I'd share it with her. I posted it on her FB wall and said something like "found that song". I figured it was innocent enough & that she would like it and the fact I had remembered, but I'm starting to think maybe she got the wrong message like I was trying to say "I love you" or something, ya know what I mean? I do have those type of feelings, but it is waaaay to early for me to start saying that word to her. Idk, maybe her ex just called her that night or something..

 

Anyway, shortly after that same night she just writes back "Nice Work!" and thats it. So that happened and then she started being distant the next day. I probably should have given her space for the next couple days, but didn't even think about it since we had been together/called almost every day.

 

Do you think something like that could have scared her away, combined with my emotional email after she said "things aren't working out"? I have read some other people's stories that sometimes partners will go back to their ex's as a rebound or because its easy to just have that person there. Do you believe that could be a reason for her already being back with the EX? That she was scared by (imo) very innocent actions and just ran back to the EX because it was easy & "safe" almost like a rebound??

 

BTW, still haven't contacted her in any way for about a week and a half.

 

Any opinions on my thoughts are appreciated. This is just killing me though... to think something like THIS could have ruined it... me coming on too strong (in her mind) when I was just being myself - friendly, fun, caring, etc. If this is the issue, how does it get fixed? I know that some girls will just run if they think a guy is coming on too strong b/c they are scared of commitment or being hurt or aren't sure about the guy. But that is just dumb because its not what I intended & she never mentioned said anything to help work it out...URGH!!! This sucks so much still. In the email I even asked if "we were moving too fast? Or did you want a committment, because that is what I want, for you to be my girl and mine only." I also said something like "you can talk to me about stuff I'm doing thats annoying or bothering you & I can work on it."

 

F this stress.

Edited April 17, 2010 by In-The-Wheat

[wingman2]

Man I'm sorry to hear about that. Crazy that it started out the same way for me and my ex. She did an 180 on u like my ex did. Me and her were doing great for an entire year then March 2nd she became very quiet. For that entire week she didn't want to talk then on the 7th she breaks up with me through email! I tried to plead with her that week, she would respond but hardly say anything and never replying to my messages. Only difference is she didn't leave me for some guy but I know the reasons too and me and her went out for 3 and a half years. I feel ur pain.

 

I can honestly say though u may have just been a rebound to her. U did say u guys only went out a month and a half which isn't very long. Me and my ex took 6 months to really establish our love but I guess it's different for everyone. I believe u love her, just she might not have had the same feelings for u, specially if she just recently broke up with the guy she's with now before dating u she obviously wasn't over him and her feelings were still with him. She just had u to get over him, know it's harsh but it happens. Not all hope is lost though. I suggest u stick with the no contactt period, put on ur best face, build ur confidence and focus on urself. When u see her be polite and just say hi even if she doesn't respond. If she see's u handling ur life well and ur polite and confident she might reconsider u in case her ex is still a jerk. There's no gaurentee but it's the best approach. Don't worry about panicking in the beginning, although it takes points off it's typical of anyone to respond that way, just don't profess ur undying love to her.

 

I believe ur a great guy but she wouldn't know till later since u guys were in the honeymoon stage of the relationship and that last from 8 months to a year then begins the reality stage. The reality stage is still good, it's just where the both of u wiill be keeping count of each ohers flaws and start noticing the negatives and the both of u will be relaxed so you'll be urself more. In the first or second month u can't really determine how someone will be and as I've mentoned before she most likely still had feelings for her ex. Don't lose hope, focus on urself but prepare for the worst. I ain't gonna be like those guys who say she'll never come back cause who knows, but prepare for the worst and put ur best face forward. Good luck. Peace.

[In-The-Wheat]

Thanks for the reply wingman.

 

Since my last coupe of posts I've been really thinking about this whole thing and who the guy is she's with. Although the description was somewhat vague, I'm beginning to believe its not her ex, but actually a guy she introduced to me to one night while we were out who was her "friend".

 

It makes sense based on how she acted the last week we were together... I'm guessing she went out that tuesday night, hooked up with the guy she's had her eye on, and then felt guilty the next day when we were together, then started to push me away the rest of the week to make it easier on herself before finally ending it (via text no less) ...grass is greener syndrome or maybe I was a transitional relationship for her?

 

That would completely change how I feel about her if it's indeed this other guy I've met. I would essentially lose all remaining respect/trust and it would make it soooo much easier to move on knowing that she just dumped me for this other guy she's probably been thinking about. It would also make sense the way she didn't want me knowing, almost as if she's just testing the waters with him - keeping me on reserve which is BS. If, however, it is her ex I would feel differently about it. I could understand somewhat that she still could have feelings and wants to see if it can work.

 

Anyway, I sent my friend who saw them together a picture of the guy I think it is, and will hear back from her sometime soon. If its this other guy, and not her ex I can really move on & it would be nearly impossible for me to tack her back if she wanted to come back realizing she made a mistake. If its her ex, I'd be more willing to listen to what she had to say if the day comes.

 

Regardless though, I'm going to continue no contact. I'm actually starting to feel a little better, but still think about her a lot. I'll let you all who are following know what happens as this progresses.

Edited April 19, 2010 by In-The-Wheat

[In-The-Wheat]

Alright, so its coming up on 8 weeks of NC (last time was a PM thru facebook to her, which was ignored) and I'm beginning to feel myself move on & get over her. She's done a few weird/small things to try and get my attention, but I've just ignored her. I still don't know what her reasons were for ending it, but at this point it doesn't really matter - I know I tried to work it out and fight for it, but she just didn't want to & I'm content with that fact now. I do still think about her practically everyday, but the feelings/emotions have really started to dwindle & the amount of time during the day I think about her has decreased a lot.

 

I even worked up the courage to go back to my favorite bar (where she bartends) about 3 weeks ago. I had a great time, was all smiles, and just gave her the cold shoulder the whole time me and my friends were there - I think it irritated her a little, but made me feel empowered again. It was really difficult to ignore her completely like that, but hey, she has basically done the exact same thing - cut me out of her life like I never existed. I didn't believe I really owed her a hello.

 

Also, I mentioned before that the new guy she was with 2 weeks after dumping me was her ex - It's not!

 

I found this out a couple weeks ago when I looked at her facebook (still friends w/one of my best friends for some reason) and she is with this guy who doesn't hold a candle to me... Ugly, meathead type. I'm not really sure what to make of it, but it wasn't her ex or her friend she introduced me to after all. Its either some GIGS situation or a rebound from me. At any rate, I don't really care nor am I jealous after seeing what she reeled in after me.

 

One more thing. My birthday is in a few days, and I have a feeling she will contact me someway (while we were dating, we planned on doing something big for my bday). What should I do if she does? I've seen a lot posts where people's ex's contact them and they get all confused and flustered. Any suggestions?

Edited May 24, 2010 by In-The-Wheat

[northstar1]

Good to see you are doing much better and getting on with your life.

 

A few things I'd like to point out that may help you keep going on

 

Stop looking at her Facebook in the future. And the reason i say this is although you find some solace in the guy she has rebounded with as being inferior, if you continue to see updates, at some point it will bother you. I say this from personal experience with an ex.

 

If she does contact you, think about what responding might do to you. If you can do the polite "thank you" and leave it at that with no lingering feelings, fine. But if responding is going to leave you waiting for her to open up to you and reply, don't send anything.

 

Keep up the good work with NC!

[In-The-Wheat]

Good to see you are doing much better and getting on with your life.

 

A few things I'd like to point out that may help you keep going on

 

Stop looking at her Facebook in the future. And the reason i say this is although you find some solace in the guy she has rebounded with as being inferior, if you continue to see updates, at some point it will bother you. I say this from personal experience with an ex.

 

If she does contact you, think about what responding might do to you. If you can do the polite "thank you" and leave it at that with no lingering feelings, fine. But if responding is going to leave you waiting for her to open up to you and reply, don't send anything.

 

Keep up the good work with NC!

 

 

Yea thanks for the input.. NC hasn't been too difficult surprisingly considering her proximity to me in many aspects. And that was the one time I looked at her facebook so I'm doing pretty good in that department. As for responding (if she even sends anything) I will probably just give the standard "thank you"... I'll let you know if anything happens.

[OOReeee]

Hey man

 

It seems like you are handling it well.

Don't freak out if you do have moments when you miss her or if something that she does throws you off a little. It's natural.

 

Sometimes we are at a stage where we are able to give something that others cannot receive (or like I was told - she was the wrong girl at the right time...). It seems like she missed on something good but she still wanted to be with her ex. It's a natural thing, despite the fact that her ex is a d-bag.

 

You'll give her the cold shoulder, until one day you won't even do that anymore and then she'll just be another girl.

 

Good luck

[In-The-Wheat]

Hey man

 

It seems like you are handling it well.

Don't freak out if you do have moments when you miss her or if something that she does throws you off a little. It's natural.

 

Sometimes we are at a stage where we are able to give something that others cannot receive (or like I was told - she was the wrong girl at the right time...). It seems like she missed on something good but she still wanted to be with her ex. It's a natural thing, despite the fact that her ex is a d-bag.

 

You'll give her the cold shoulder, until one day you won't even do that anymore and then she'll just be another girl.

 

Good luck

 

 

Thanks man - Yea, she did one thing that had that affect.. it kinda thru me off and left me thinking "wtf was that all about?". Oh well, I'm trying to just better myself & its going well. And yea, she is beginning to feel like a stranger these days. It's kinda weird how it happens, but not seeing/talking to her does that. Personally, I don't believe she was ready for another serious r/s so soon & got scared once we started getting "serious". I obviously can't be certain b/c it could be a million different things, but looking back it makes the most sense.

 

And from my intial observations & the thread title it makes it a little confusing, but the new guy isn't her ex.

 

Anyway my bday is this weekend & we'll see if anything happens.