Oxfordsocks update on mm in UK-I ended it

[oxfordsocks]

I haven't been here in a while as i have been letting things play out---My MM and I who always said he will leave had a trip back end of february and were planning another but work got in the way of this one. After a tough week of thought and spending so much time trying to figure out what was really true and i kept hearing the same things over and over.

 

He just can't leave his 16 year old daughter yet--he said he is so afraid of damaging and losing her(he has a cousin whos dad left the mother and she refused to let her Dad walk her down the aisle) he is afraid of this happening.

 

He wants everything to be perfect--them set financially when he leaves and his daughter to have a strong mother as a roll model not one that he feels would be devastated and weak as he portrays her. I understand to some degree but i can't bare them being together anymore even though there have been small movements made to move forward in all of this so he says. Well I have spent so much time(and trying to get opinions) and reading texts from his wife all lovey dovey) and have been trying to marry up what i see with what i hear from him.

 

So today I decided i couldn't live like this anymore and that no matter how much i love him i needed to let him go--and told him if we are meant to be together down the road than so be it but i can't be around while he is still waiting if ever to move here(to Canada from England) I also have spent so much time wondering if -what he says is true-trying to believe him but in the face of her words and other stuff (my other posts here) that i refused to shed a tear if he was just a cake eater. So i did it--I CALLED HIS WIFE. and she knew all about me. She told me how difficult it was for them --Do I know what i did to her and her kids--how I have screwed up her husbands mind--did i know that they were coming up to their 20th wedding anniversary?

 

She wanted to call me names i said go ahead but she wouldn't -I started convo by telling her my name and asking if she remembered me(figuring if she didn't than i could just hang up and say i had gotten the wrong name and number) but she said How could i forget!!!!!! she says she doesn't blame it all on me it takes two and that it was disgusting what i did--coming into a marriage while being in my own etcc. She said she knows everything about me my kids everthing and has my number from the text i sent(another post of mine) she asked me when was the last time i talked to her husband and i said it may have been last October or maybe by text(i wasn't out to cause anymore misery to her) and she wanted to know why know--i said it was coming up to a year ago this weekend that we had been in my country and that for me to move forward I needed to apologize(kind of -but more i just wanted to know if she knew).

 

She asked about my husband andi said that we were iin process of parting and she said well"don't be coming after mine" She told me she was trying to be as happy as she could and that they had two lovely children and a lovely home and a lovely extended family-she said he tells her he loves her and she believes him . i thanked her for taking my call and that was it. i called mm to tell him i called and he said he was happy i did it as he couldn't seem to convince me that he had told her everything . he said i am not sure she will believe that we have not been in touch though but he also said that might be a bad thing. This was a tough day for both of us--lotso ftears shed on both sides of the phone I still can't believe I told him goodbye.

 

i don't hate him for not wanting to leave his daughter i just wish he could see how much he could still be a loving father from a distance and much happier man as a person with me. Perhaps not having me now will make him see just how much he doesn't have now. Selfish?Dreamy? Practical for affairs like this? I don't know i just know i hurt .

Edited April 14, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jennie-jennie]

Perhaps it is for the best. Sorry you are hurting.

 

(((((Oxfordsocks)))))

[oxfordsocks]

i must of woke up 5 times last night and all i wanted to do was call him -this is going to be so tough.

[torranceshipman]

Wow, that was a brave and honest thing to do - good for you - that's to be respected!

 

I guess you feel partly that he could be a cake eater as you mentioned it in your post? - and the wife did say that he told her that he loved her and she believes it, so it doesn't sound like he was planning on going anywhere - so you did the right thing. Well done...

[oxfordsocks]

Yes she said that he says he loves her--and yes she said that in her facebook message to me initiallly back in july 09 too he says he loves her like a friend not how a man should love a wife. And i think if the other woman ever called me there is no way i would ever ever say anything different than to make it like everything was good. \after all she believes there has been no contact since october o9. i guess there will always be a part of me that believes he is staying for his daughter-even though he has been making apparent moves to slowly separate even over there--but there wil also be the part that believes he just didn't love me enough to end things. I after all wasn't the one who had to move acroos the world from my family--. If his wife knew that we had been together again and were still in touch right up until yesterday i think she would pass out with shock. i am sure her wheels are spinning and since he did and has been honest up iuntil now i really don't have any justification to not believe how things are at home now---I think because she told me not to come after her husband it tells me that she still does feel very threatened and unsure of his position there.

[whichwayisup]

I think you got played abit here. And when it came right down to it, your MM never had any real intention of leaving and divorcing. He loved having you as the OW to spice up his life, to help keep his marriage alive. He obviously has downplayed it all to his wife, hense under the impression that you and her husband hadn't spoken since October... Big lie.

That isn't a man who is about to check out of his marriage and change his whole life.

 

Focus on keeping the peace with your soon to be exH, the transition of the big change for your kids. It isn't going to be easy on them, at all.

[oxfordsocks]

Yes he has kept me a secret --wanting to slowly change things there and to leave and not not make it about leaving for anyother woman--why else if he was not going to leave would he have ever told her in the first place?

He did tell her(which was something i was always worried about --but now i don't have to worry about it and it was true--the was important for me to know.

Yes i didn't like being a secret and yes i think that he can leave her without devestating her like he said it would but he believes that she won't be able to be a good role model for her daughter--a strong person--which is a kind of a laugh too because having an affair in not ideal role model behaviour now is it--however having a mother who also can't emotionally support nor financially support your children when your absent--i guess that would keep me around too.

all i know is i iam glad she knows and knew about me and that that whole mess last summer wasn't a big fat lie. His marriage is not happy because up until yesterday we have been in touch everyday -hours a day- and now he will be alone in the country he is working---and i won't be there to talk to him--and when he goes home i won't be there either so he will really know what life i guess is like without me in it. I can change a person--I can't make a person leave when they are not ready-- I couldn't live with the not nknowing anymore and the slow pace of separating, that wasn't making me happy . I am really sad right now but there is a piece of me that is more happy than last summer when we ended things(well he did) as he felt he couldn't leave because I really know this time that he tried and that his feelings were real(last year we had known each other only 4 months-from meeting before he tried to leave(7 months of talking) I take comfort in that. i believe our love is real -but circumstances from his end--and its not like i am running to him and leaving my kids--although if i could take them with me i would move to him. I think he has a great sense of obligation and duty and wants to make sure the family is financiall stable and his daugher is off to University before he can commit--he can work a few more months where he is rigt now and get rid of the mortgage for them which leaves them in a better financial position--he wants his child's standard of living not to go down--anyways i can go on and on can't i?? i can't change another person just me and it will get easier every day right?

[OWoman]

Oxford, my H also tried a "managed exit" from his M. It doesn't work like that. You can never know how the BS will respond. There is never a "best time" to leave a M. His leaving is not about when it's best for THEM, it's about when it's best for HIM. (I don't mean that in a "cake eater" way - I'm not a fan of the whole "cake eater" hate club - I mean, when he would feel it easiest to get over his conscience that he was leaving them).

 

Perhaps he is serious about leaving, perhaps he's merely trying to keep you both happy... who knows, at this point? He knows where to find you if he does leave. And you can get on with your life, and your choices, doing what you consider best for you and your family without having to take someone else's possible intentions into consideration. You can now act with a more known set of factors, and if he comes to join you down the track, then you can consider if you still want him and on what terms. But for now, your future is more plannable, and more within your control.

 

Good luck!

[Confused4Now]

Oxford, my H also tried a "managed exit" from his M. It doesn't work like that. You can never know how the BS will respond. There is never a "best time" to leave a M. His leaving is not about when it's best for THEM, it's about when it's best for HIM. (I don't mean that in a "cake eater" way - I'm not a fan of the whole "cake eater" hate club - I mean, when he would feel it easiest to get over his conscience that he was leaving them).

 

Perhaps he is serious about leaving, perhaps he's merely trying to keep you both happy... who knows, at this point? He knows where to find you if he does leave. And you can get on with your life, and your choices, doing what you consider best for you and your family without having to take someone else's possible intentions into consideration. You can now act with a more known set of factors, and if he comes to join you down the track, then you can consider if you still want him and on what terms. But for now, your future is more plannable, and more within your control.

 

Good luck!

100% agree on this....excellent POST!!!

[oxfordsocks]

Yes he initially told her about me last summer when he said he was separating--and the kids were told too--they had a hell week and he decide he just could not go through with it at such speed as he was. So we broke contact and then got back in touch a few weeks later.....then 3 months later she found a text from me (and i know from him that i was still a secret) he did deny contact with me until she threatened to phone the number then he said we had been talking which was true we had not seen each other --then we got together 3 months later in person which she did not know about . Yes i am still the secret-whether she truelly believes there is no contact or is turning a blind eye or he really has convinced her that there is no contact or she has limited the contact available to him by being around him more---such as staying up till he goes to bed to make sure he doesn't use the computer anymore-and the reason i am the secret is to remain in the home and keep peace till he feels he can move forward when he feels financially the wife and child willl be stable. He can't leave and coome to canada and do that that would be impossible with no work. But yes i got tired of waiting and finally said no more. It doesn't change the way i feel abaout him any less . Do i wish he would just walk out and be with me--yes the selfish part of me does--the human part no. do i want him to change things quicker-yes . i would have never chose this for anyone -