physguy Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Please help me. Let me start with a little bit of a background. I am currently engaged to the love of my life. I love her with my whole being and soul. Prior to this relationship, I was in a short-lived relationship with a very abusive woman. She was abusive physically, verbally and psychologically. I staid in the relationship until the final straw was her cheating on me in my bedroom with another man during a birthday party I threw for her. I was a dead man coming out of this relationship, I had no desire to live, and attempted taking my own life. No one knows about this. Luckily I did not succeed, and was able to meet the woman who brought me back to life, my fiancee. She is everything to me, she is my world, I would not survive without her. The problem we've been having for the past several months has been in the bedroom. I failed to perform once, and after that it had a snowballing effect with every next time. We have not had successful intercourse in months. I get aroused initially, but lose my arousal during intercourse. She is a young vigorous woman who requires satisfaction, and I am so scared that I am gonna lose her, or even worse that she will go to another man. I have tried to do other things than intercourse, but she needs intercourse to be satisfied. She has told me that she has been thinking about sex with other men. I know she has already been talking to other men, as I accidentally saw her Lavalife account on her computer. I suspect she is also engaging in cyber-sex and is a hair away from transitioning to a real life encounter. I have tried different pills (Cialis, Viagar, Levitra) and they do not help; done tests, there is nothing physically wrong with me, I am scheduled to get injections and I pray to God they work, because this is destroying me. I can't sleep, I have terrible nightmares about her being with other men, or her leaving me. Even in the worst moments during the abusive relationship I've never been as down as this. Every moment of every day is like hell right now, with me constantly terrified that I will find her with another man, or she will just leave me altogether. I treat her like a queen in every regard, except I cannot deliver in the bedroom. I am going to ask my urologist to recommend a sex therapist, but everything I read online says the success rates with therapists are low. Please, please, help me. I don't know what else to do. I love her so much, and I can't live without her. Thank you. Sorry for the long post.
whichwayisup Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Why on earth is she on lavalife if you are engaged? She needs to be understanding and supportive! Not lust after other men and have an account on a dating site. Be honest and talk to her. Tell her what you posted here. Make it clear to her as much as you love her, want her to be your wife, you won't put up with her cheating! (Does she know that you know she has an account? And chatting with other men? If not, confront on this BEFORE she chooses to pursue it and make it clear that you won't put up with cheating.) Do sex therapy, talk about your thoughts, feelings and it'll help. Do yourself a favour and don't google stuff, and read other success or non success stories, it'll just make you feel worse and add more pressure. Listen to your body, try to relax (do yoga, meditation, de-stress) and with your wife's help, put less pressure on 'penetration' and focus more on feeling good and enjoying fooling around. Hope this helps.
Author physguy Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 No she does not know that I know. I can't confront her about this, because I am scared that she is gonna think I am spying on her, which I am not. And I am scared that she is not gonna care and keep doing it, or just leave me. I've tried to get her to just fool around and to use my hands and mouth for now until I can get the problem fixed, but she says it just feels weird to do it without having sex afterwards, and she says it takes her a lot longer to achieve orgasm with just fingers and mouth, and that she gets sore after that, so we are not even trying that. She has been very understanding and supportive, this problem in the bedroom has been happening for months now, she just says that it's taking a toll on her. On the one hand I can't blame her for being on Lavalife, because there is only so much she can take, and she has needs that I am not satisfying because of my f-cked up head that won't let me stay hard, on the other hand I feel so devastated by this, and it's only adding to my stress and anxiety. I have given her everything, I have torn up my house, and have been doing major remodeling for the last few months to make the house nicer for her, I take her to nice restaurants, shows, I've taken her to Chicago, taking her to Vegas, I am doing everything possible to make sure she is not bored with me. I've helped her with her homework when she was finishing up her grad classes. I've been there for her through thick and thin, and she does appreciate that, but I don't know how much more she can handle without me giving her what she needs.
whichwayisup Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 That's crap. Sorry, but one doesn't turn to lava life. Sure she may be frustrated but you two need to work together and communicate. You've bent over backwards for her, doing nice things, and she is taking it for granted. Her actions, speaking to OM, being on LF is NOT cool. Tell her you saw her account. If she gets pissed off, so what? She shouldn't be on there anyway!! Don't be afraid to talk to her about this. She is in the wrong here, not you. Your gut told you something and you peaked, found out what she was up to.
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