dazed1989 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Very briefly... I'm going on a trip to Europe with my College, it's my first time overseas and I went for two reasons: 1) very adventurous and had troubles convincing friends to go overseas , 2) girlfriend is going. I've been dating her 7 months but she's all over the place. Happy as a lark when you're giving her the world but when you sit back for a day and relax it goes to the dumps. It's either heaven or hell with her, no in betweens and it can be heaven one day and hell the next. Full out pursuit and then full out distancing in a vicious cycle. I really want to go on this trip, we planned to do a lot of things together but I'm starting to think, and have thought about it before, that she may distance herself from me while we're on this trip. I'm not going to lie, it'd be a disaster for me if that happened, she convinced me to go a few months ago so I wouldn't appreciate that but hey, you can only control yourself. I'm wondering what advice you guys would have for someone like me. I realize I took a risk booking this trip, I want to make the best out of the 12 days I have there. I don't really know how I should act if she distances herself from me. I'm a little worried, it's all girls going so she has lots of other people to run off with. I'd GREATLY appreciate any kind of advice you guys would have
Rorschach Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Doesn't sound like you're very happy with her anyway, can you only be happy on the trip when she's around or do you think you can enjoy it by yourself?
Author dazed1989 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 She's a project and I definitely have feelings for her, more than I've ever had for anyone, so I keep hanging on to hope that something will click in her head. I don't like the hot and cold games that she plays, mostly. In terms of the trip, we had planned it all out as if we were going to be together. We leave in 6 days, I'd much rather spend the trip with her as we planned to do. I can't really see myself being there for 12 days without her, which sucks. But at the same time, if someone can disrespect me that much and make me spend 5k for a **** time, my perception of her will probably change drastically. Just, if she plays the whole distancing thing on me, am I better off acting as though it doesn't bother me? then I'll probably get a lecture that I "don't care enough" though. Thoughts?
D-Lish Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 My thoughts? You are dating a woman that makes you feel as if you have to walk on egg shells 24/7. What a horrible way to exist. It sounds as if you let her get away with this behaviour. I wonder what would happen if you called her out and stood up to her? I'd recommend going on this trip and making the best of your opportunity to see Europe. Don't count on her making this trip work for you- count on yourself to make the best of the trip. If she fails you, it's time to think long and hard over staying with this woman. I couldn't imagine wasting time with someone with such drastic mood swings. If she takes off on you or pulls a tantrum on your trip- break up with her when you get back. Have you tried holding her accountable for her mood swings? Do you appease her or do you stand up for yourself?
Twenty-ten Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Can you please explain a little more what "giving her the world" means vs just laying back and relaxing? Because from what you have explained so far it sounds like she is extremely high maintenance. When a woman is this high maintenance it makes you wonder what her real motives are for being with you...so I don't blame you for being concerned.
Author dazed1989 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Thanks D-Lish, that was a great post with very helpful comments. I do feel like I have to walk on eggshells 24/7, it's quite an accurate way of describing it, and yes it is very stressful at times. I do stand up for myself, I'll call her out on her mood swings but 100% of the time it just gets put back on me and I'm continuously told it's my problem. I've told her it makes me unhappy, to the point where I've been inches away from calling it quits. I'm pretty sure she's aware of that, and her actions change temporarily but then the same stuff happens again. It's a bit hard on the head going through weeks of intense happiness and joy and then a week of her distancing herself from me. You're right, I have to find a way to make Europe a good experience for me. We're supposed to share a hotel room and there are other things like that which are bothering me, and being with her in a group but ignoring each other is kind of a disgusting thought at the moment. If she does throw a tantrum on the trip, it will definitely be over. Like I said, she convinced me to come on board with this trip at the very late stages, and it was a lot of money invested. That combined with the way she treats me sometimes would just be way over the line.
Author dazed1989 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Twenty-ten, she is definitely high maintenance. Her parents, friends, and even she herself has said this numerous times. She says she expects a lot because shes been "given it all before" and she expects an unrealistic and irrational version of a relationship. "Giving her the world" might be a bit of an overstatement, I don't want to make myself sound like some rich kid who gives her everything and anything she's ever wanted. But, I sacrifice a lot for her emotionally, academically I spend a lot of time helping her with school work, I take her out for dinners, movies, very frequently. I buy her surprises from time to time, I'll take her on weekend getaways, I'll introduce her to lots of new things. I've put her and her needs before mine a lot of the time which I know isn't always good. I noticed that her standards for gifts are very high. She expects me to blow a lot of money on Valentines Day, Easter, Birthdays, stuff like that, even though she'll tell me she doesn't expect it, I know she does. I guess by "Giving her the world" I just mean I probably give ~70ish and she gives ~30ish back, even though once again, she'll say it's the other way around I'm sure in her distorted mind.
CLC2008 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 If she goes from happy to sad for no reason, then I would be inclined to say there is something deeply wrong here. Especially if she takes it out on you for things that are not in your control.
D-Lish Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Thanks D-Lish, that was a great post with very helpful comments. I do feel like I have to walk on eggshells 24/7, it's quite an accurate way of describing it, and yes it is very stressful at times. I do stand up for myself, I'll call her out on her mood swings but 100% of the time it just gets put back on me and I'm continuously told it's my problem. I've told her it makes me unhappy, to the point where I've been inches away from calling it quits. I'm pretty sure she's aware of that, and her actions change temporarily but then the same stuff happens again. It's a bit hard on the head going through weeks of intense happiness and joy and then a week of her distancing herself from me. You're right, I have to find a way to make Europe a good experience for me. We're supposed to share a hotel room and there are other things like that which are bothering me, and being with her in a group but ignoring each other is kind of a disgusting thought at the moment. If she does throw a tantrum on the trip, it will definitely be over. Like I said, she convinced me to come on board with this trip at the very late stages, and it was a lot of money invested. That combined with the way she treats me sometimes would just be way over the line. She sounds rather spoiled! If you truly feel that you give 70% and she only gives 30%, you will hit a point where you resent her more than you love her. It's obviously heading in that direction as things stand now. You've told her how you feel, and she slaps on a temporary fix and then reverts back to her old ways. It doesn't sound as if she makes much of an effort. I'd tell her before your trip that if things don't change, you're gone. If she continues to remain moody, follow through with your threat and leave next time. I admire your patience.
Twenty-ten Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I noticed that her standards for gifts are very high. She expects me to blow a lot of money on Valentines Day, Easter, Birthdays, stuff like that, even though she'll tell me she doesn't expect it, I know she does. I think you have said enough. This ^ in particular is the most disgusting part of all. First of all you sound like a dream boyfriend, and I know you aren't perfect because no one is but it sounds like you work very hard to please her all the time and nothing seems to be enough. Her sense of entitlement is the grossest part of all. When you mentioned earlier that you had paid for the entire trip and that she convinced you to go on the trip that was a bit of an eye opener. What kinds of things does she do for you?
CLC2008 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 TBF has lists for females, maybe you could write one for yourself. So far: 1.) You pay for everything 2.) She takes her anger out on you for no apparent reason 3.) She goes from happy to angry if you sit back and relax 4.) There is no middle ground from her viewpoint 5.) She disrespects you, even after you've spent 5k on a trip 6.) She expects you to spend lots of money on her for Valentines Day, Easter, Birthdays. Is that a fair assessment? And you're with her, why...?
phineas Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Your screwed. LOL! even talking to her before the trip will set the tone for the whole trip. I'd plan on breaking up with her after the trip. I'd also plan on making up your own itinerary to see the sites. because it sounds like your almost sure she's going to ditch you for her friends. One of my best friends married a woman just like this. his marriage gives new meaning to the phrase "hell on earth"
Author dazed1989 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 I don't know why I'm with her, I guess the good stuff about her from the past is overshadowing some of the garbage she's thrown at me lately, and I'm just hoping something will click in her head. I do feel I do more for her than she does for me though. Twenty-ten, thanks for the compliment. I do think I'm justified when I say that I do bend over backwards for her, and I have from the beginning. It's weird because she's the sweetest little thing but she's a bit too self-centered sometimes and I often wonder why she's in a relationship if she does not care about my needs and feelings. I've asked her this before, but I never really get answers just the whole turning it back on me and saying I make no effort for her etc. when clearly I do. I didn't pay for BOTH of our trips though, so I hope you didn't misunderstand that. Either way, I came on board at the last minute and had to haul out $5,000 out of my own wallet while the others paid payments throughout the past year. I'm in school and it wasn't easy, but she wanted me to be part of her trip and the idea excited me. It's exam time and I'm stressed out, the latest 'hot and cold' cycle involved her wanting to see me everyday, we went for dinners, walks through the park, a play, tons of things. Then, the night before my exam and she had just gotten off her period, she phoned me for sex and I wasn't in the mood, I was hard at my books but I suggested another time soon. So here I am feeling rejected and ignored for the past 4 days in this stupid cold cycle again. She's leaving for 5 weeks a couple of days when we get back from Europe, so there's a ton on my mind right now. I feel the trip will either make or break us and I hate the anxiety that comes with it all when I'm trying to stay excited.
Author dazed1989 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 phineas: "even talking to her before the trip will set the tone for the whole trip." I definitely agree with that. I'm itching to say something but I'm trying to regulate my emotions. I'm thinking if I tell her my concerns that it'll just increase the likelihood of them happening over there.
Rorschach Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I think you're pretty much already broken, I dont think the trip is going to change anything. If it takes the stress of not knowing out of it this relationship is probably doomed to failure no matter what the outcome of the trip, you two just don't sound compatible.
Author dazed1989 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Thanks Rorschach, as much as I don't want to believe that you're probably right and I appreciate an unbiased view.
Rorschach Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 In my relationships I HHHHATTE not knowing where I stand. I have a mantra I live life by, yes is okay, no is okay, maybe sucks. For me it's that feeling of not knowing whether you are or aren't that drives me mad, for me at least sometimes I'm happier knowing it's over than I am when it MIGHT be over or not.
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