is this emotional abuse?

[sg2009]

I have been in a very happy relationship with a man for almost a year. We started living together in October of 2009. Very happily and satisfying. Then in late February he discovered I had an affair with a MM. I still saw this MM (involved in a mutual hobby), but things had been broken off before I met my current BF. Things were completely all business and not much contact or conversation. In fact, I was getting to the point where I was feeling somewhat awkward and strongly considering switching hobby groups.

 

Well, my current bf discovered my past affair. He had met him a few times, but MM was always nice, nothing over the top and respected my new relationship. At one of our hobby meetings, MM made some very perverted comments about me that pissed off my bf and me. I was pissed but let it go, since I rarely saw MM. Then a month later my bf found out. Flipped out said I had "humiliated him, embarrassed him, that I should have known better," etc. Now it has been almost 2 months. He regularly reminds me and has some outburst filled with statements of "you are a liar, you should not have kept this from me..."

 

I did not want to tell him because I want to forget it all and just move on. I am more than ashamed at my behavior. I have left my hobby group and cut off all contact with MM. Even though contact was over I specifically text him and told him to leave alone for good. I did this at the pressing of my bf. I would have just been satisfied with moving on and disappearing from MM (like I had been for over a yr except hobby contact). However, bf was not satisfied and really pushed me into it - which is fine, but whatever.

 

Still bf will randomly spout off. Like when I am working late, for extra cash since i had lost my stable 8-5, he makes comments like "I hope you are really workin late and not leaving me." I mean his insecurity is everywhere and wearign me out. I never have ever cheated on him but he feels like I did because I was not honest about my affair and stayed in hobby group. So just when we are going better...we see my ex MM at a major city fest a few days a ago. I was just looking across crowd and there he was. Uggghhhhhhh how much more awful could it be? I took a second glance because I was so shocked at it and I kept walking. My bf saw and said "I am done with you" over and over. He kept calling me a liar and flipping out. All the while his kids were standing right behind us. He kept threatening our relationship and getting more mad. Refusing to talk to me all because I had "taken a double take" at MM. Yeah I did because I was like what the f***!!! I hated it just as much or more. But bf was hung up on that & that I must be hiding stuff bc I took a double take.

 

BF calms down later in the night and then the next morning right in fron of his teenage kids says "why don't you ask him, next time he calls you, where his wife was."

 

These are examples of regular behavior. I am reasonable woman and so is my bf, most of the time. However, what the hell is going on?

 

 

Is this emotional and verbal abuse?

[Ronni_W]

sg,

The labels don't really matter. Important for your to consider is that you are allowing it to be done to you. You've made a choice to stay there and tolerate-accept his attitude and behaviour; to let him dictate which hobby groups you can belong to.

 

You are adult and intelligent. Any "abuse" is also self-abuse in that you're permitting it. It's not accurate to blame your b/f or 'love' for your current experiences of your b/f and 'love' because it's also that you're making your own choices and decisions to keep having those same experiences.

 

YOU are in charge of and responsible for your own experiences.

YOU get to decide if those experiences are brutalizing you on any level, emotionally, mentally or spiritually.

YOU have the power to leave situations that do not fully support, uplift and encourage you; that erode your self-esteem, self-confidence and self-respect.

 

IMO, your b/f's way of dealing with his feelings can stand a helluva great deal of improvement. But your self-decisions are around what you believe you're worthy of and deserve, and what you will and will not tolerate-accept for yourself in your romantic and other relationships.

 

It's about you empowering yourself and making choices that better support and uplift you...about taking good care of your Self, in other words.

Best of luck.

Edited April 14, 2010 by Ronni_W

[Ilovecake]

Here is the thing. Your bf told you that something needs to change at which time you took matter into your hands and quit the hobby group, which shows that you care about your bf enough to make a big life change in order to make him happy. This is all you can do, he can not expect you to take the past back. If he has a problem with something you can not change then he needs to get out of the relationship. I would say if his behavior continues you might want to reconsider your relationship. In order to be happy in a relationship you have to draw lines as to what is expectable behavior to you.

You need to tell him his behavior is unacceptable to you and you have to give him an ultimatum that you stick to if he doesn’t quit.

[LisaUk]

Hi,

 

Could I ask what happened with your BF and his previous significant other? You mention he has children was he married? DId his XW cheat on him?

 

It sounds very much to me like he has alot of past pent up hurt and sensitivity to cheating. The fact that you cheated with a MM has probably made him feel insecure and brought back old feelings. Now, I can see why that may appear unreasonable b/c this was before you met him, but these feelings can be very difficult to reign in.

 

Is this emotional abuse? I have to say no. It sounds like he is angry and maybe not necessarily with you directly, his behaviour may be hurtful but I don't think it is abuse. People do tend to band around the term abuse today IMHO, when really to be abusive means that you are deliberately trying to hurt or control someone, knowingly, for your own ends for the pleasure of hurting and controlling them. Do you think that is the case here? Or do you think, however unreasonable, your BF is acting out of anger due to buried issues?

Edited April 14, 2010 by LisaUk
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