datura_noir Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 FWH and I are over two years fron DDay; It has been a long and productive journey for us. Just three days ago, the xow sent him an email asking him about "us", e.g., how are we, and saying that she wishes us well and thinks of us often (she was a family friend). She included her own updates, her kids are fine, she is dating, and she asked if FWH will ever have a friendship again with her brother, (that is how he knows her). My husband showed me the email, and we talked; I told him to reply if wanted to, that I wouldn't tell him who to befriend, but that the friendship will not be a secret from me. We replied to her with this info, saying ... "We are doing great, and it's good to know you are also. DT and I miss the friendship of [your brother and his girlfriend], but we have our reasons for not going there. DT wants you to know that she wishes you well" Well, he got a response that said, basically- if I knew you and DT shared each others emails, I wouldn't have even bothered---have a nice life!" (she is very literate-I'm just breaking it down). He wants to just not respond, and that is my thought as well. But what can we expect? Her email was very nice, not fishy. His response was very nice, albeit indifferent. Should he have just not responded at all?? This is a secured company email; he CANNOT change it unless he shows a verifiable security breach to his CEO (he is civilian working Gov't contracts).
silverfish Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Well. You have every right to be suspicious of her overtures at 'friendship' as that's obviously not what she is looking for here. I don't think that you were honest though about your feelings when you said to your H that 'you wouldn't tell him who to befriend'...that's not true really as you wouldn't respond to a friend in the way you / he responded to this woman....she isn't a friend to either of you. You should try and avoid situations like this rather than control them and simply have not responded. If your H felt differently then that is an issue between you and him
Samantha0905 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Well. You have every right to be suspicious of her overtures at 'friendship' as that's obviously not what she is looking for here. I don't think that you were honest though about your feelings when you said to your H that 'you wouldn't tell him who to befriend'...that's not true really as you wouldn't respond to a friend in the way you / he responded to this woman....she isn't a friend to either of you. You should try and avoid situations like this rather than control them and simply have not responded. If your H felt differently then that is an issue between you and him I agree totally.
Spark1111 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 DN, same scenario....slightly different outcome. Two years since DDay for us also, and we are doing fine. She visited him at his new office and chatted him up. Not one word about me though. He felt uncomfortable and I asked if it was okay to call her. He said, please do. She too was stunned, absolutely stunned, that he shared her visit with me. WTF? Hopefully, that will be the last contact ever. Maybe, for you too. I personally felt that she was a fishing to see how happy he truly was and opening up a door to friendship and possibly more. The door has to stay shut.
Snowflower Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Well, he got a response that said, basically- if I knew you and DT shared each others emails, I wouldn't have even bothered---have a nice life!" (she is very literate-I'm just breaking it down). He wants to just not respond, and that is my thought as well. But what can we expect? Her email was very nice, not fishy. His response was very nice, albeit indifferent. Should he have just not responded at all?? Let me see if I understand this correctly...the xOW sent your H an email asking how he was doing, etc. The first email was friendly, open, etc. He showed it to you and the two of crafted what appeared to be a friendly response. Then, the xOW expressed dismay in her response that he shared the first email with you? If this is how it went down, my guess is that she is fishing...trying to re-cultivate some type of exclusive friendship with your H. After all, their affair relationship excluded YOU, so she probably expected that any future friendship would continue to exclude you as well. It speaks well of your H that he shared these emails with you. It shows that he is intent on being trustworthy. I think your H has the right idea to just not respond to her second email. I don't know what you can expect but the fact that she knows that your H shares his email correspondence with you will likely make her want to stop communicating further.
2sure Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 My husband showed me the email, and we talked; ... Well, he got a response that said, basically- if I knew you and DT shared each others emails, I wouldn't have even bothered---have a nice life!" (she is very literate-I'm just breaking it down). It would have been difficult for me not to ask H to respond with: "No, we do not share all of each other's e-mails - I simply chose to share yours with my wife."
confusedinkansas Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 As I'm reading this - I had an A-Ha moment. This very well could have happened to me - Except I chose not answer any of the text or email messages from my former XMM. (who is now single) Here's why I think that these X affair partners are SOOOO shocked --- Because we - affair partners - Tell each other how much we dislike our spouse. Tell that our marriages are in shambles. Tell them that we love THEM - not our spouse. Tell them that we don't have sex anymore with our spouses ....& so on & so on & so on. Therefore, they believe that if they contact us - we will never tell. (& they are rolling the dice to see if they affair could possibly start back) Also, in their minds our marriages could possibly still be a sham & that they feel like they can sashay back into our lives whenever they damn well please. Even after months or years of NO CONTACT! The reality of it is - Our marriages have survived. We as married couples are better off than we were at the time of the affair. And, any contact from our FORMER affair partner - is unwelcomed
OWoman Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 As I'm reading this - I had an A-Ha moment. This very well could have happened to me - Except I chose not answer any of the text or email messages from my former XMM. (who is now single) Here's why I think that these X affair partners are SOOOO shocked --- Because we - affair partners - Tell each other how much we dislike our spouse. Tell that our marriages are in shambles. Tell them that we love THEM - not our spouse. Tell them that we don't have sex anymore with our spouses ....& so on & so on & so on. Therefore, they believe that if they contact us - we will never tell. (& they are rolling the dice to see if they affair could possibly start back) Also, in their minds our marriages could possibly still be a sham & that they feel like they can sashay back into our lives whenever they damn well please. Even after months or years of NO CONTACT! The reality of it is - Our marriages have survived. We as married couples are better off than we were at the time of the affair. And, any contact from our FORMER affair partner - is unwelcomed CiK, whether it's as conscious as you state or not, I think there is truth behind what you write. I think the xAP's view of the M stays stuck at the point at which they left it - rather fragile perhaps, certainly dented, and facing an unknown future. Add to that the rationalisations they've probably comforted themselves with in the interim since being dumped - that they had a "connection" that was "real", that the MP stayed in the M for extrinsic factors (kids, security, finances, etc) despite the gulf that had grown between the WS and the BS, etc - and they imagine that things are kind of limping along for the xAP (or that they've left the BS, or that the BS kicked them out, or whatever). Things are looking up for them - and they're healing from the fall-out of Dday, and starting to feel a little more charitable to the memory of the xAP who dumped them... so they reach out, hoping to gain closure on a good note (but secretly hoping for vindication - that the xAP realised what they'd lost in dumping the OP, and misses them...) and are then genuinely taken aback by the news that things are going just great between the BS and the WS, and that - horror of horrors - the BS has been included in the communication! It's Dday all over! The most cruel of betrayals! Even if the OP had not held out any hope - conscious or otherwise - of rekindling the A, they do still want to be remembered fondly by the xAP, and missed - with some nod of acknowledgement to the former closeness they once shared. Including someone else in that is a violation of that intimacy - and takes them right back to the moment at which they were told, actually, you're disposable to me. Their composure evaporates, and they go back into defensive mode. DN, I wouldn't respond. You've (you and your H) moved on, and you don't need to be dragged back to the point where the OW has now landed. She instigated the contact - it was a risk she should have thought through. She now needs to deal with the consequences. Your reply to her initial mail was gracious and respectful. One day if she heals to the point of sufficient emotional distance, she'll recognise that and be able to acknowledge within herself that she received the most generous response you could have given her - and perhaps begin to understand what your H values in you and why he chooses to affirm that choice as he does.
Spark1111 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Great post, OW and CIK! Yes, I can see where and certainly why the AP can get stuck and need closure of some sort. If they approach it with an open heart and mind, as a BS must who hopes to successfully reconcile, it can be so healing. But if they get stuck believing in the negativism they heard during the affair, they are surely entertaining the possibility of a real let down. Datura, your response was gracious and kind. Her surprise that your husband shared her email with you is ....less so. I agree there is no reason to respond again if you should be contacted.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Well, he got a response that said, basically- if I knew you and DT shared each others emails, I wouldn't have even bothered---have a nice life!" this response just shows that all of her pleasantries were merely bulls##t. She didn't care one bit if you and your H are doing fine. She is trying to weasel her way back in and wanted her correspondence with your husband kept secret from you. And your husband's response to her should have been, "we are fine, now leave us alone". Not that nice keep-the-door-open sweet stuff that he said to her. This is a secured company email; he CANNOT change it unless he shows a verifiable security breach to his CEO (he is civilian working Gov't contracts). no, but he can have her email blocked, and also filtered at his email client(most likely Outlook) another note on his response to her, if I had stayed with someone after cheating, which I wouldn't, and that was the response to the person she spread her legs for, I'd be opening the door and motioning for her to go through it. Sorry to be graphic there, but that is the context it needs to be seen in. This is a woman your husband pleasured himself with, and he is going to be all sweetie sweetie to her in an email? Oh HELL no!!!
ladydesigner Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Also, in their minds our marriages could possibly still be a sham & that they feel like they can sashay back into our lives whenever they damn well please. Even after months or years of NO CONTACT! The reality of it is - Our marriages have survived. We as married couples are better off than we were at the time of the affair. And, any contact from our FORMER affair partner - is unwelcomed Ain't that the truth!! It's funny when I was still in LC (only email) with XOM if I hadn't mentioned my M or H in them he would point out that I had not talked about my H for some time. Hmmmmm The bolded part is exactly how I feel today. Thanks for the great post CIK
wheelwright Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 CiK, whether it's as conscious as you state or not, I think there is truth behind what you write. I think the xAP's view of the M stays stuck at the point at which they left it - rather fragile perhaps, certainly dented, and facing an unknown future. Add to that the rationalisations they've probably comforted themselves with in the interim since being dumped - that they had a "connection" that was "real", that the MP stayed in the M for extrinsic factors (kids, security, finances, etc) despite the gulf that had grown between the WS and the BS, etc - and they imagine that things are kind of limping along for the xAP (or that they've left the BS, or that the BS kicked them out, or whatever). Things are looking up for them - and they're healing from the fall-out of Dday, and starting to feel a little more charitable to the memory of the xAP who dumped them... so they reach out, hoping to gain closure on a good note (but secretly hoping for vindication - that the xAP realised what they'd lost in dumping the OP, and misses them...) and are then genuinely taken aback by the news that things are going just great between the BS and the WS, and that - horror of horrors - the BS has been included in the communication! It's Dday all over! The most cruel of betrayals! I'd just like to say that as an xdumpedAP this could not be further from the truth. In fact I feel that all the intimate times we shared together are currently laughed at or disdained as the product of messed up emotions. I feel, fear and hope that their M is better than it was before the A - more honest and intimate. If I contacted him, I would fully expect him to share it with his W. What was the point of them reconciling otherwise? Duh? Yes the proud part of me occasionally slips into to thinking maybe he loved me, and it was all just circumstance. Or rather the immature part of me. Dumped xAPs may have a hard time getting over, but they do not stand still. Thay realise that people move on, even when they themselves invested their heart. And yes, this was clearly a fishing email.
SidLyon Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 (edited) CiK, whether it's as conscious as you state or not, I think there is truth behind what you write. I think the xAP's view of the M stays stuck at the point at which they left it - rather fragile perhaps, certainly dented, and facing an unknown future. Add to that the rationalisations they've probably comforted themselves with in the interim since being dumped - that they had a "connection" that was "real", that the MP stayed in the M for extrinsic factors (kids, security, finances, etc) despite the gulf that had grown between the WS and the BS, etc - and they imagine that things are kind of limping along for the xAP (or that they've left the BS, or that the BS kicked them out, or whatever). Things are looking up for them - and they're healing from the fall-out of Dday, and starting to feel a little more charitable to the memory of the xAP who dumped them... so they reach out, hoping to gain closure on a good note (but secretly hoping for vindication - that the xAP realised what they'd lost in dumping the OP, and misses them...) and are then genuinely taken aback by the news that things are going just great between the BS and the WS, and that - horror of horrors - the BS has been included in the communication! It's Dday all over! The most cruel of betrayals! Even if the OP had not held out any hope - conscious or otherwise - of rekindling the A, they do still want to be remembered fondly by the xAP, and missed - with some nod of acknowledgement to the former closeness they once shared. Including someone else in that is a violation of that intimacy - and takes them right back to the moment at which they were told, actually, you're disposable to me. Their composure evaporates, and they go back into defensive mode. DN, I wouldn't respond. You've (you and your H) moved on, and you don't need to be dragged back to the point where the OW has now landed. She instigated the contact - it was a risk she should have thought through. She now needs to deal with the consequences. Your reply to her initial mail was gracious and respectful. One day if she heals to the point of sufficient emotional distance, she'll recognise that and be able to acknowledge within herself that she received the most generous response you could have given her - and perhaps begin to understand what your H values in you and why he chooses to affirm that choice as he does. Exactly. April is a month of triggers for me. - 2 years ago (this week) since the death of the OW's husband. - 18 months since d-day. - 1 year ago (this week) since I went to the OW's work to see what she was like. - 1 year ago since she contacted my H in an attempt to get him to meet her. She asked him not to tell me, but he told her he would be telling me. She was shocked and angry at him. I suppose in her mind we had not moved forward at all in that time, so she was surprised that her communications with my H would no longer be "protected". I did contact her after this and it didn't go well. It would have been obvious to her that I felt very threatened by her contact with H. I guess she was humiliated by him telling me. My advice is don't get in touch with her DT. Edited April 14, 2010 by SidLyon
NoIDidn't Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 As I'm reading this - I had an A-Ha moment. This very well could have happened to me - Except I chose not answer any of the text or email messages from my former XMM. (who is now single) Here's why I think that these X affair partners are SOOOO shocked --- Because we - affair partners - Tell each other how much we dislike our spouse. Tell that our marriages are in shambles. Tell them that we love THEM - not our spouse. Tell them that we don't have sex anymore with our spouses ....& so on & so on & so on. Therefore, they believe that if they contact us - we will never tell. (& they are rolling the dice to see if they affair could possibly start back) Also, in their minds our marriages could possibly still be a sham & that they feel like they can sashay back into our lives whenever they damn well please. Even after months or years of NO CONTACT! The reality of it is - Our marriages have survived. We as married couples are better off than we were at the time of the affair. And, any contact from our FORMER affair partner - is unwelcomed Good post! I agree. Had a similar thing happen. They are very shocked that their presence is no longer wanted or needed in the marriage.
Author datura_noir Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 I just wanted to reply to thank you all for your input. I've had a whirlwind few days, between work, school, professional obligations, not to mention our NEW HOUSE building issues (another story altogether), but, I do appreciate all of the input. I did not post word for word the email response from OW; it was put more gently from her( as to H and I sharing communications.) I edited (translated) for clarity. I am a woman who uses few words to say my piece; she tends to be overly verbose in her communications. However, the message was clear. I really hate that all of this happenned; fortunately, we have our sense of humor to get us through. In fact, one of the first things my H said upon receiving the email was "I guess we won't be seeing her for the Holidays-we may have to revise our plans!"..... I just wish that she wasn't the sister of a long-time friend of my H. It hurts when couple -friends disengage!
silverfish Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I just wanted to reply to thank you all for your input. I've had a whirlwind few days, between work, school, professional obligations, not to mention our NEW HOUSE building issues (another story altogether), but, I do appreciate all of the input. I did not post word for word the email response from OW; it was put more gently from her( as to H and I sharing communications.) I edited (translated) for clarity. I am a woman who uses few words to say my piece; she tends to be overly verbose in her communications. However, the message was clear. I really hate that all of this happenned; fortunately, we have our sense of humor to get us through. In fact, one of the first things my H said upon receiving the email was "I guess we won't be seeing her for the Holidays-we may have to revise our plans!"..... I just wish that she wasn't the sister of a long-time friend of my H. It hurts when couple -friends disengage! It hurts a lot more when families break up though. All marriages have friends / aquaintances on the way -- we can't all get along, and you lose some as you go along, it's part of life. Don't give a thought about it any longer....just look out for yourselves and anyone who cares about you will support that
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