kinglebron23 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Hey Fam! This is my first post here and im devestated... Long story short: Been together with her for 5 years. We were the first Everything together. First Kiss, First Love, Lost Virginity, First EVERYTHING. Well, its some what of a long distance relationship. It takes us about 1hr 45mins to drive to the other persons house. On 4/3/10, out of the blue, she calls me up wanting to go on a break. We werent fighting, we just recently celebrated our 5 year anni on 3/20 and had a GREAT time! When she told me she needs to take a break, she told me she "needs to find myself". She feels like I have been putting a lot of pressure on her as far as moving forward with her career, moving forward in our relationship (moving in together). Well eventually, she got confused and wasnt sure if she was doing things for me or for her. So she needed time to untangle the mess that i have created. Well, neither of us have ever gone through a "break" so we werent sure what type of guidelines to set. I asked her if shes gonna see anybody and she replied with "I dont want too." So i asked her if she will, and she said "no". She just kept saying that she "needs time to herself". I told her that i respect her wishes and will be there for her till the very end cause i know this is the girl of my dreams. Since this has happened, it felt like my whole world came crashing down. I have been doing much self reflection and soul searching and realized many flaws that i have in the relationship and vow to change. I have been tremendously humbled and will do whatever it takes to get my woman back. Now my questions are: 1) Do breaks really work? 2) And if she doesnt contact me within a certain about of time, is it only fair that i contact her? if so, how long? 3) its been over a week and ive been going through many mental stages... currently i have become angry/upset with her because a part of me wants to say "if she really loves me, we should do whatever it takes to work things out together, not to abandon each other... and yes, i have been using the word "abandon" in my head. I have no support at home cause most of my close friends are working from across the country. Now i know they are there for me and they invited me to spend a week with them, but i cant leave work. I dont have close friends locally and is struggling to get through this all alone... Im going nuts. Some one please assure me that things will be alright.. but at the same time, just be honest with your own experience. I really need support. Please help!
Agent Thomas Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Well, this is going to take a long time to untangle. You were together 5 years and broke up 10 days ago. Unfortunately, things haven't even begun yet in terms of dealing with this in one way or another. Make sure you fully understand that it takes months or years to truly change who you are. You can see your flaws and be shocked by them, but to truly change them at your core takes a huge chunk of time on the clock. You aren't going to change overnight, in one week, one month, etc. Give her space, and go straight No Contact. My best bit of advice to you would be... Wait a while, maybe a month. If you don't hear from her, write her an email or a letter in the mail, and in this letter state how you love her, always did, and wish you could work through things. Then end it by saying how you wish to not talk to her until she is ready to move forward with things. Make sure to keep the letter / email very short and to the point. Maybe 3 sentences.
Author kinglebron23 Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 btw, she told me all this while i was at work so i could not take it all in. Two days later, i broke down from not hearing her voice and realizing what had happened so i surprised visited her at work and wanted to talk about the situation in more detail. Anyways, she asked me if i wanted to get dinner with her after work. I told her i would love too. After work, i picked her up and went to a local park that we used to go to all the time. We talked for about 2hrs about how she felt and why she feels confused. In the end, she was sure she wanted to go on a break because she wants to know how much she will miss and love me. But she said she would like to still talk on the phone. I told her that i support her wishes, but if she wants to truely know how she feels about me, we should cut off all communication. She asked me if i was doing this to punish her, but i told her that we both have to stay strong and to really see where we stand in our relationship. I also told her that it probably wouldnt be smart to get dinner that night, so i just drove her home and gave her the biggest hug of my life. I felt like it was the last time id ever hug her... We both broke down but we assured each other that we still love and care about each other with all our hearts. She kept telling me that she has to do this for her, and to see who she really is... QUESTION: Was it a good idea that i told her we should not have contact to really see how much we miss each other?
ohwhyme Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Man I was in your exact situation. LDR and she said she wanted a break. Guess what happened, she found a guy a week after we broke up. She claimed it was just a friend but thats such bull****. They try to hurt you less by lying... Breaks rarely work out man. It's just a precursor to the breakup. If you can, try to avoid her and just refrain from talking to her. I begged and wrote long emails. I didn't cry but looking back at it all I looked pathetic and desperate. I gave up on her because she already made up her mind a long time ago. So yea the girl you knew used to be sweet and now suddenly turned really selfish. She'll string you along and use you like an emotional tampon. She'll eventually say stuff like I miss you after a few months and when you respond to her. She won't respond back. It just shows that you still care for her and that you are stroking her ego. So now that you are free. You should LEAVE for good. Well I went no contact for a year and what do you know she tried harder and harder to contact me. We eventually got back together because I was nice enough to give her a second chance. We broke up again and she turned into a selfish ***** again.
Author kinglebron23 Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 Man I was in your exact situation. LDR and she said she wanted a break. Guess what happened, she found a guy a week after we broke up. She claimed it was just a friend but thats such bull****. They try to hurt you less by lying... Breaks rarely work out man. It's just a precursor to the breakup. If you can, try to avoid her and just refrain from talking to her. I begged and wrote long emails. I didn't cry but looking back at it all I looked pathetic and desperate. I gave up on her because she already made up her mind a long time ago. So yea the girl you knew used to be sweet and now suddenly turned really selfish. She'll string you along and use you like an emotional tampon. She'll eventually say stuff like I miss you after a few months and when you respond to her. She won't respond back. It just shows that you still care for her and that you are stroking her ego. So now that you are free. You should LEAVE for good. Well I went no contact for a year and what do you know she tried harder and harder to contact me. We eventually got back together because I was nice enough to give her a second chance. We broke up again and she turned into a selfish ***** again. First off thanks guys for your honest feedback. To reply to this... i may very well be lost in the dust however i really know this girl and cheating is definitely out of the question. I know i screwed up pretty bad, and out of the 5 years we have been together, she told me shes been upset for the last 3 months. We have far too much of history and gone through so much together that i cant see us breaking up... But should i be treating this like a break up? Since this is just "time off" I have NOOO idea how to handle it. Right now if we were broken up, id mentally think of all the negative things about her and dwell on that so it would make me feel better and it would protect me. Right now my state of mind is just to keep waiting and waiting. Everytime the phone rings, i think its her, everytimg i get an email, i think its her... Should i take down all her pictures that she drew me, and pictures of her in frames? Once again, i keep reminding myself that this is only "time off" so i technically shouldnt... but should i??
ohwhyme Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 (edited) I would treat it as a break up. I was the same way. I got scared everytime I got a SMS, IM or Email cause I thought it would be her. I wouldn't know what to do. I would keep thinking about the what ifs while she's off on her own looking for someone else. If you think about it shes unhappy as you said. There are certain dynamics that she can't change such as family, friends (she doesn't have to hang out with them all the time) and her career. But what she can change is you. So basically she is blaming her unhappiness on you and breaks up with you because its the only thing she can change. I'd say she's bored and is looking for something new. You know the excitement of a new relationship. But I don't know her. It's your girl and you know her better than me. I'm just telling you what happened to me. Don't talk to her trust me. She won't miss you if you keep nagging her. No contact is a win win situation. You get to move on or she'll come back and then you decide on what to do next. Now you can find a better girl. Take down the pictures and put them in a box and take them down to the basement. Block her from IM etc. She'll know how to reach you and remember actions speak more than words. Don't wait around for her buddy. Go work, study and go to the gym. Make yourself better. Well I made myself better just to make her see what she missed out on. While you're waiting she's having fun while your sitting around moping. No girl is worth moping over. Once you talk to more girls they'll flock to you. I bet you even your gf will come back just because she'll see the confidence. If you stick around as a friend she's just going to use you as emotional support or come back to you when things go bad for her. In other words, you'll be her backup. I learned from my mistakes and I won't let her come back anymore. Edited April 13, 2010 by ohwhyme
Author kinglebron23 Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 I would treat it as a break up. I was the same way. I got scared everytime I got a SMS, IM or Email cause I thought it would be her. I wouldn't know what to do. I would keep thinking about the what ifs while she's off on her own looking for someone else. If you think about it shes unhappy as you said. There are certain dynamics that she can't change such as family, friends (she doesn't have to hang out with them all the time) and her career. But what she can change is you. So basically she is blaming her unhappiness on you and breaks up with you because its the only thing she can change. I'd say she's bored and is looking for something new. You know the excitement of a new relationship. But I don't know her. It's your girl and you know her better than me. I'm just telling you what happened to me. Don't talk to her trust me. She won't miss you if you keep nagging her. No contact is a win win situation. You get to move on or she'll come back and then you decide on what to do next. Now you can find a better girl. Take down the pictures and put them in a box and take them down to the basement. Block her from IM etc. She'll know how to reach you and remember actions speak more than words. Don't wait around for her buddy. While you're waiting she's having fun while your sitting around moping. No girl is worth moping over. Once you talk to more girls they'll flock to you. I bet you even your gf will come back just because she'll see the confidence. I hear ya bro. Thnx again. But i do have to bring up that one of the rules that we have made for each other is that we WILL NOT be seeing other people. She gave me permission to, but she assured me that she wont see anybody, nor does she want too. She has also assured me that we WILL get back together, but she just needs time for herself. Now, i dont want to block her on aim, take her off my friend from Facebook, etc cause i personally believe those are mind games and me doing so will actually create a smother effect once again. I have actually taken down most of her pictures and placed them in a box, but a part of me feels guilty because she has told me that she will keep everything up to remember who we are as a couple. The last form of communication was last Monday when i did send her an email stating my thoughts and what my realizations were. And the way i ended the email was telling her that i respect her wishes and will be there for her till the very end... this sux....
ohwhyme Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I'm sorry to hear that. I'm just saying people can say a lot of things just to try to "hurt you less". I mean I met my exs "friend" and she said it was just a friend. 1 week later and they got together heh. One time I was at my exs place and I thought we were all good but when I got back home we broke up. She was too scared to break up with me face to face. She was too selfish to tell me what was bothering me so it all felt so sudden. My ex made a lot of empty promises to me man so just take that into consideration. You might seem all great while in a relationship but when a relationship is about to end. It can turn really ugly. As for facebook and AIM. Are you telling me you aren't going to check her page? What if you see her talking to random guys you don't know? That's going to make you feel like crap. At least it did to me so I removed it all. I went cold turkey. If she wants to talk she will know how to talk to you. What I don't understand is why do you have to have a break for her to figure things out? Did she even tell you why you are on a break? I think the I have to find myself is the most common used excuse .
sally4sara Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I would treat it as a break up too, but with a catch. If you break up, you are a free agent right? That means the cute girl at the bar you just found is now an option. Yeah she is, but can you say that if a month or two from now, your ex says "hey guess what? I found myself and now I need to find you" that you won't go running on back? So lets define option. Is an awkward chat about some girl you picked up in the middle of your happy reunion an option? Is someone you'd discard so readily an option? Are you acting like you are an option to someone else? And what if cute girl is someone you could have a real shot at happiness with? Will you really be able to find that out while pinning away for your GF? Do that NC thing too. Let your GF know what the absence of you feels like. So yeah, live your live for single you right now, but recognize single you wants this break to be a short one. That is who you are right now so you might as well own it.
ohwhyme Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Oh and I forgot to say we were first with everything too. First kiss, first etc etc etc. Perhaps that is the problem. They haven't dated enough to know that you are what she is looking for. Be happy you lasted 5 years man and that you weren't married or had kids . It sucks but you'll get over it.
Author kinglebron23 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 I'm sorry to hear that. I'm just saying people can say a lot of things just to try to "hurt you less". I mean I met my exs "friend" and she said it was just a friend. 1 week later and they got together heh. One time I was at my exs place and I thought we were all good but when I got back home we broke up. She was too scared to break up with me face to face. She was too selfish to tell me what was bothering me so it all felt so sudden. My ex made a lot of empty promises to me man so just take that into consideration. You might seem all great while in a relationship but when a relationship is about to end. It can turn really ugly. As for facebook and AIM. Are you telling me you aren't going to check her page? What if you see her talking to random guys you don't know? That's going to make you feel like crap. At least it did to me so I removed it all. I went cold turkey. If she wants to talk she will know how to talk to you. What I don't understand is why do you have to have a break for her to figure things out? Did she even tell you why you are on a break? I think the I have to find myself is the most common used excuse . She did tell me why she needed to go on a break. Its cause she doesnt know how much she loves me... Now to answer to her statement, it is def my fault why she feels that way cause i was never thankful for the things she did. I just kept wanting more. Meanwhile, shed take all of my crap, i didnt take any of hers and it wasnt fair for her. This took a toll on her because she felt exhausted that she could never get my satisfaction. I am soo mad at myself for making her feel that way, and have written that down on that email i sent her last week.
EmperorR Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 break is just a nice way of stringing you along giving you false hope. It's done like dinner sir. RUN
reservoirdog1 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 She did tell me why she needed to go on a break. Its cause she doesnt know how much she loves me... Now to answer to her statement, it is def my fault why she feels that way cause i was never thankful for the things she did. I just kept wanting more. Meanwhile, shed take all of my crap, i didnt take any of hers and it wasnt fair for her. This took a toll on her because she felt exhausted that she could never get my satisfaction. I am soo mad at myself for making her feel that way, and have written that down on that email i sent her last week. Be careful about taking on all of the blame. It takes two to tango in a relationship. In relationship dynamics nowadays, there's too much expectation on being "perfect". Being "human" is a much more reasonable expectation. I agree with some of the above posters... it doesn't look good. I think she's trying to let you off gently, which simply keeps you pining for her. Or she's keeping you as her backup guy, in case she doesn't meet anybody better. You should tell her that you're fine with a time-limited break, nothing else. Like, say, a month max. Any more than that, and you're being kept hanging. You deserve to know where you stand.
Author kinglebron23 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Thnx fellers... sometimes the truth hurts. Im still gonna hang on to some faith. I dont want to chuck out this 5 year relationship just yet, but i will be cautious. thnx again guys! All opinions and thoughts are welcomed. Kinda curious to get a females point of view.
Chi townD Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 She gave you PERMISSION to see other people, but she says she isn't going to. I don't know Bro! That doesn't sound good.I think she intends to go on dates. That statement is probably to ease her own guilt.
Chochobong Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 She gave you PERMISSION to see other people, but she says she isn't going to. I don't know Bro! That doesn't sound good.I think she intends to go on dates. That statement is probably to ease her own guilt. Agreed. My wife made it about me seeing other people and denied she wanted to. A week later I find evidence that she was flirting someone and slept with them. In her mind the break justified these actions and eased her guilt. You are no longer under the boundaries of a relationship, you are not together. Don't get strung along for a month and half like I was being fed breadcrumbs and false hope that we might still work this out.
Author kinglebron23 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Hrmm, another thing i need to clarify is when i saw her on that Monday to clear things up, i caught her on her lunch break at work and we discussed things. But since her lunch break wasnt enough time to get into straight detail, she told me that "she is still thinking whether or not she wants this break". And that she will let me know after work. I know women can easily turn on and off the tears, but not the "Break Down" crying where u cant even speak. Thats what happened after work and we were talking about EVERYTHING that has be going down in life, and when "our song" went on the radio, thats when she started crying hard and missing me like no other. She kept telling me that she feels bad making this decision but for the first time in our relationship, she has to be "selfish". I assured her that she wasnt being selfish and that shes gotta do what shes gotta do... Once again, this girl is as innocent as it gets and i know cheating is outa the question. I just no this girl more then the back of my hand. UPDATE: She emailed me last night saying that she found the first braclet i bought her years ago and it put a BIG smile on her face. Its nice to know shes still thinking about me and this email gives me a fresh breath of hope and life. Good sign?
Chochobong Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 It will be a good sign when she consistently shows with her actions (and words) that she wants to be with you. Even an innocent, caring person can subconsciously string you along. She is lost, confused and most of all uncertain. Don't get dragged into it, let her come to you when she is ready. Read my posts here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t227481/
linwood Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 i really know this girl and cheating is definitely out of the question. But i do have to bring up that one of the rules that we have made for each other is that we WILL NOT be seeing other people. She gave me permission to, but she assured me that she wont see anybody, nor does she want too. This is so naive it`s cute. Cheating is never out of the question. If she wants a break it at the very least means she wants to reassess her feelings for you. During that time she will be open and available to any guy who catches her fancy. If you really still can`t see this then give her a time limit say a month to work through her feelings as you shouldn`t be hanging on a string. Other than that you should consider this relationship over as I`ve never seen a "break" work out in the long run. A "break" is always an attempt to end the relationship with little pain and it always causes more.
linwood Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Once again, this girl is as innocent as it gets and i know cheating is outa the question. I just no this girl more then the back of my hand. That is so CUTE!!
Chochobong Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 she told me shes been upset for the last 3 months. Consider that she's probably been mulling over her decision for at least this long to initiate the BREAK. She's had a bit more time to prepare and disconnect from you. While you have just been hit by a ton of bricks seemingly out of nowhere. You are emotionally more vulnerable at this point than she is.
boogieboy Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 From how you treated her, consider it over. Assume its over, assume she wants to date around, and dont wait for her. Dont talk to her either. She will be looking for a small reason to break up with you...first chance she gets. 5 years means nothing if she has been thinking of this breakup for months.You took her for granted and now she pulled this out from under you. Move on for now, and dont let her talk to you until she is ready to get back together. Make sure you act to her as if it means nothing to you. Let her miss you, dont chase her. She broke it off with you, she has to chase you now, she has to earn your trust back again. Dont answer her calls, dont answer her texts, youre too busy for her now. You have to show that you are MORE valuable now and that she has already lost you. Trust me.
Author kinglebron23 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Thank you Fam... I guess I really need to pull myself together and protect myself. Ill prob never forgive myself for letting this one go...
Author kinglebron23 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Do I have the rights to get upset/angry at her right now? Since she threw this at me outa the blue? Or is this feeling im having one of the stages of a "break"?
Hop_prophet Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Yes you should be angry with her. You have to detach from your emotions a bit, stop beating yourself up, and ask yourself some really tough questions. What possible reason could there actually be for a break? There is only one - she wants to see other people. You are deluding yourself if you think it is not possible. It is highly possible (no almost a certainty) that she is already very interested in someone and this break is her chance to pursue it. Please look at similar threads on this forum. They always say the same thing as you and then weeks later they post that they found out about another guy. I challenge you to find one thread on here where a break ended in reconciliation. A break is a break up - pure and simple. Don't allow yourself to be treated this way. Just tell her it is over and DO NOT talk to her AT ALL.
Recommended Posts