Luv2dance Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Had my session of IC today (MH had his yesterday) and it was informative. She brought up several things that made me think about posts on LS so I thought I would share. We were discussing my lack of physical attraction to MH, and she asked if she could get him to break out of his comfort zone and be more aggressive/erotic in bed did I think this would make him more attractive. I honestly said I wasn't sure, but it couldn't hurt right. (ok didnt say that but was thinking it) We got into discussing physical appearance and she said it was not shallow to want your spouse to be the best they could be to remain attractive to you. (MH has this one thing that bothers me and I've always felt guilty for feeling that way) In her opinion she would prefer her husband tell her that something is making her less attractive sexually rather than it become an obstacle in the sex life. Her examples for him were long nose hairs and toenails... Make sense to anyone else? I haven't really understood the people who say it shouldn't affect your sex life if your partner gains weight. (and this is not our issue) NOW, I'm not saying it should change your love or your value of the person!! The other cool thing was that everything including people are either changing and growing or shrinking and dying. By nature we are shrinking and dying therefore we have to choose to change and grow and this is most important in a relationship b/t two people. As a personal note I feel encouraged about the possibilities of my marriage and I haven't felt that in a long time. I know it is going to take some work but hoping this is a step in the right direction.
CollectiveVelvet Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 It sounds great that you are feeling hopeful towards you marriage and perhaps see some goals to work towards. My husband and I have started working out together and it has been a huge pick-up in the bedroom department because we now have a common goal and are engaged in a challenge together. What are your husbands feelings on the direction the therapist is suggesting?
Author Luv2dance Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 It sounds great that you are feeling hopeful towards you marriage and perhaps see some goals to work towards. My husband and I have started working out together and it has been a huge pick-up in the bedroom department because we now have a common goal and are engaged in a challenge together. What are your husbands feelings on the direction the therapist is suggesting? We haven't really gotten into the workings of anything yet, we had one "get to know u session" together and then she wanted each of us to have individual sessions before getting down to the "work". I think he is keeping an open mind and trying to be receptive. We both have issues to work through and I am sure we will have some eye opening experiences during the process. Working out together is great! We actually both ran our first 5k last fall and it was a lot of fun. I think we are going to look for another one that we can do...I need some motivation to exercise . ETA...love your siggy line!!
CollectiveVelvet Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 We haven't really gotten into the workings of anything yet, we had one "get to know u session" together and then she wanted each of us to have individual sessions before getting down to the "work". I think he is keeping an open mind and trying to be receptive. We both have issues to work through and I am sure we will have some eye opening experiences during the process. Working out together is great! We actually both ran our first 5k last fall and it was a lot of fun. I think we are going to look for another one that we can do...I need some motivation to exercise . ETA...love your siggy line!! Thanks. I try to follow my siggy line. We are running together and the challenge is great for us as we have been couch potatoes so long together. That you already have ideas on how to get a spark is great after mostly an introduction. We all need some help to keep things spiced up every now and then. I'll tell you me and my hubby are trying to conceive and there is nothing more stressful than sex on demand. Hopefully we will be done with that soon enough. :lmao:
Samantha0905 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Glad you're feeling a little better about things Luv2dance. It's always great to feel there is some positive progress. I love CV's signature line also.
tnttim Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I think it has very little to do with physical attraction, I think emotionally attractive is way stronger. Emotional attraction is a chemical reaction that basically causes you to get addicted to the feelings you give us, like a gambler. I would think of the good times with H and try to remember what you did and how you felt. Then you can try to mimic those days and see if your feelings grow stronger for him. A M is a partnership, what we do directly affects our spouse, like a business, communication is crucial. Ask your husband what makes him proud and feel like a man. You can then pump him up when he needs some support. My W writes stories and poetry, she's proud of it. I used to not care about it, or show any emotion towards it unless she asked. Now I show an active interest in it, and I read her work. When she's having a weak moment, I bring up her poetry, and how great it is. I used to get mad when she was down, now instead of saying "hey cheer up." I give her the emotion of cheering her up by pumping her up with something she has pride in.
Author Luv2dance Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 sorry to be nosy, but what's that "one thing"? Well, I am really ashamed to say b/c I am sure it will make me seem very shallow, but it's his teeth. He never got braces as a child and really needs them, and yes they were like that when I married him so I know that seems silly. It is to the point sometimes where I just don't want to kiss him. Go ahead I have a flame resistant suit on... I think it has very little to do with physical attraction, I think emotionally attractive is way stronger. Emotional attraction is a chemical reaction that basically causes you to get addicted to the feelings you give us, like a gambler. I would think of the good times with H and try to remember what you did and how you felt. Then you can try to mimic those days and see if your feelings grow stronger for him. A M is a partnership, what we do directly affects our spouse, like a business, communication is crucial. Ask your husband what makes him proud and feel like a man. You can then pump him up when he needs some support. My W writes stories and poetry, she's proud of it. I used to not care about it, or show any emotion towards it unless she asked. Now I show an active interest in it, and I read her work. When she's having a weak moment, I bring up her poetry, and how great it is. I used to get mad when she was down, now instead of saying "hey cheer up." I give her the emotion of cheering her up by pumping her up with something she has pride in. Here inlies the problem, I really don't have much of an emotional connection with him so it does make the sexual connection harder to achieve. We have a different situation and it is hard to put the "usual" practices into place to fix us. I have hopes that with some communication and time we can get things to a place where we are both happy and fulfilled.
crazycatlady Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Well, I am really ashamed to say b/c I am sure it will make me seem very shallow, but it's his teeth. He never got braces as a child and really needs them, and yes they were like that when I married him so I know that seems silly. It is to the point sometimes where I just don't want to kiss him. Go ahead I have a flame resistant suit on... Here inlies the problem, I really don't have much of an emotional connection with him so it does make the sexual connection harder to achieve. We have a different situation and it is hard to put the "usual" practices into place to fix us. I have hopes that with some communication and time we can get things to a place where we are both happy and fulfilled. Ok on your little one thing.....I have to say when things are going great I never notice his teeth. When things are going bad...that's all I notice. He has the same issue as your H. Its usually a hint things aren't going well before any thing else comes up. Which does allow me to try and figure out what's going on - usually its not enough sex to be honest. As for the other....not sure what to say. But I didn't want you to feel alone in the whole straight teeth issue. I do understand what you are saying there. CCL
Moanin Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Well, I am really ashamed to say b/c I am sure it will make me seem very shallow, but it's his teeth. He never got braces as a child and really needs them Why don't you suggest to him that he get braces now, as an adult? There are so many cosmetic choices in dentistry today.....
giotto Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Well, I am really ashamed to say b/c I am sure it will make me seem very shallow, but it's his teeth. He never got braces as a child and really needs them, and yes they were like that when I married him so I know that seems silly. It is to the point sometimes where I just don't want to kiss him. Go ahead I have a flame resistant suit on... ah, teeth... I thought it was something different...
WalkInThePark Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Well, I am really ashamed to say b/c I am sure it will make me seem very shallow, but it's his teeth. He never got braces as a child and really needs them, and yes they were like that when I married him so I know that seems silly. It is to the point sometimes where I just don't want to kiss him. Go ahead I have a flame resistant suit on... No need to put on your suit. I can understand you perfectly. The only thing I don't understand is why you married him. Physical attraction is so vital in a relationship. I once had a date with a guy and from the moment I saw him I knew it could never become something because he had those typical "horse teeth". The idea of kissing him was unbearable.
WalkInThePark Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Why don't you suggest to him that he get braces now, as an adult? There are so many cosmetic choices in dentistry today..... But why she does have to suggest that to him? He's must see himself in the mirror from time to time... These days people wear braces even if they are 60! I have very regular teeth but I lost one of my back teeth in an accident, now there is not enough space to put an implant but I am even considering at 45 to wear a brace to open up the space in order to put an implant in there.
giotto Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I suppose it would have to approached in a very sensitive way... nobody likes to hear that one of your "features" is actually a turn-off... I wouldn't mind, as long as it's not that feature...
Author Luv2dance Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Ok on your little one thing.....I have to say when things are going great I never notice his teeth. When things are going bad...that's all I notice. He has the same issue as your H. Its usually a hint things aren't going well before any thing else comes up. Which does allow me to try and figure out what's going on - usually its not enough sex to be honest. As for the other....not sure what to say. But I didn't want you to feel alone in the whole straight teeth issue. I do understand what you are saying there. CCL Thanks CCL, I do agree that it is more "noticeable" when things are not going well. No need to put on your suit. I can understand you perfectly. The only thing I don't understand is why you married him. Physical attraction is so vital in a relationship. I once had a date with a guy and from the moment I saw him I knew it could never become something because he had those typical "horse teeth". The idea of kissing him was unbearable. Why did I marry him? This is the question of the decade...I was in a place in my life of trying to change and I think I thought b/c he was SO different from previous guys I had dated that he would help "fix" or save me. Of course, I didn't see any of this beforehand but I did have doubts. I have always struggled with low self esteem & this has carried over to many of my life choices. Working on this However, as much as we don't have in common or I'm not as physically attracted as I would like to be...he is a wonderful father & huband. Our marriage is not toxic nor am I ready to just throw in the towel b/c I did make a committment to him. The last month we have had more in depth conversations than we have had in our entire marriage so I pray that's a start. I suppose it would have to approached in a very sensitive way... nobody likes to hear that one of your "features" is actually a turn-off... I wouldn't mind, as long as it's not that feature... Yes! He is also the type of person that feels that if you like me then you need to like me the way I am. We have disscussed braces in the past and he really doesn't see the point. I guess when it comes up in counseling we will see how he reacts??
WalkInThePark Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Yes! He is also the type of person that feels that if you like me then you need to like me the way I am. We have disscussed braces in the past and he really doesn't see the point. I guess when it comes up in counseling we will see how he reacts?? This is such a bull**** argument. I know people who have a partner who lacks in the physical hygiene department and when they are called upon it, they also say you should accept them the way they are. Euh... so not showering is the essence of your personality? Come on, you sure must have some more interesting characteristics? Wearing a brace is of course more invasive as it is more of a sacrifice. But it's not something totally unnecessary like surgery to go from cup C to cup F. Your H should be happy that you want him to make more of the looks he already has...
xxoo Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Yes! He is also the type of person that feels that if you like me then you need to like me the way I am. We have disscussed braces in the past and he really doesn't see the point. I guess when it comes up in counseling we will see how he reacts?? Hmmm....tricky gray area for me. At what point are were obligated to modify our (healthy) bodies to aesthetically please our partners? Esp when we look the same as when our partners chose us?
giotto Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 This is such a bull**** argument. I know people who have a partner who lacks in the physical hygiene department and when they are called upon it, they also say you should accept them the way they are. Euh... so not showering is the essence of your personality? Come on, you sure must have some more interesting characteristics? Wearing a brace is of course more invasive as it is more of a sacrifice. But it's not something totally unnecessary like surgery to go from cup C to cup F. Your H should be happy that you want him to make more of the looks he already has... I think hygiene is a completely different matter... if the level of hygiene has deteriorated, surely we are entitled to remind our SO... or wearing a peg on your nose all the time will convey the message... Physical features, I'm not so sure...
Author Luv2dance Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 Hmmm....tricky gray area for me. At what point are were obligated to modify our (healthy) bodies to aesthetically please our partners? Esp when we look the same as when our partners chose us? I actually agree with you and this is why I've never pushed the issue. I am sure that if I had the kind of emotional connection to him that I should have such a physical issue wouldn't matter as much. However, I also see it as a way of bettering himself in general. It is a fact that a nice smile helps with first impressions at job interviews. Even his mom has said that when she dies she wants him to use some $$ and get braces b/c she feels bad they never did that for him growing up. He is in no way obligated to change anything & this is not a deal breaker (obviously) but when asked what might make him more attractive I answered honestly.
WalkInThePark Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 I However, I also see it as a way of bettering himself in general. It is a fact that a nice smile helps with first impressions at job interviews. Even his mom has said that when she dies she wants him to use some $$ and get braces b/c she feels bad they never did that for him growing up. That is what I meant! If you are in a good relationship, you get the best out of each other and you try also to be the best person you can be for your partner, physically and emotionally. Someone who wants at all costs be stuck in a certain mode is immature. When I was 20, I never shaved my legs (I grew up in Europe beginning of the eighties so in a time when the aversion of body hair was not what it was now ). In those days, I found it very important to stay "natural". When I got older, I became more feminine. Well, I could of course have stuck to my "pure nature" look but as I started working and saw girls my age being very elegant, I kind of evolved.
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