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[shadowplay]

I broke no contact and talked to him.

 

I was doing so well, and I just weakened when I saw him in class because he seemed really sad. And somehow I got into begging him. I mean I was really rational about it for the most part, but then it ended so badly. He told me that his image of me was of a totally broken down person. This because apparently of the class presentation and the stress I was under during the abortion.

 

He told me he would really think about giving me a chance for a few hours. Then he sent me a one line email that said he wouldn't give me a chance. He texted me if I got the email, I called him back and was crying on the phone, but I stopped trying to convince him. I just told him that I felt like he had totally shut me out from ever really expressing how much he hurt me because he blocked me immediately after he dumped me. He got all defensive and angry and said he didn't like being berated. He was fishing with his brother when I called and his brother kept telling him to get off the phone.

 

I'm sobbing my eyes out.

 

I really don't need to be chastised for talking to him. I know it was a huge mistake, and I feel like shiat for having done it.

 

At this point all I want from his is some acknowledgment of the hurt he's caused me, of which he gave me very little. But I guess I'll never get that from him. It's so hard to move on when you feel like the other person isn't even sorry.

 

I feel like such a worthless idiot for begging him because it only confirmed his impression that I'm a "broken down person." I'm totally worthless.

And I still have to see him 3+ times a week.

 

Guys, I don't need to be told not to contact him again. I know, and hearing that will just make me feel worse. I just need some support. No nasty comments please.

[Toki]

It's alright. You had your reasons for doing it, and you got slapped for it. He may have hurt you, but you have to move on, and understand the only peace you'll find is within yourself.

[sweetjasmine]

He told me he would really think about giving me a chance for a few hours. Then he sent me a one line email that said he wouldn't give me a chance.

 

This is exactly what he did last time. "I'll think about it and let you know" followed by an abrupt "no way, get out."

 

It's a people-pleaser thing. He doesn't like seeing you upset so he'll say something like that to make himself feel better because he doesn't have the balls to hurt you face-to-face. But then when he goes home and is all alone with his thoughts and only has to face a screen and words, it's totally different.

 

He got all defensive and angry and said he didn't like being berated.

 

He got all defensive and angry because it's absolutely true that he doesn't want to face how much pain he's caused you. He's mad because you and he both know he's a coward but he doesn't want to own up to it.

 

I feel like such a worthless idiot for begging him because it only confirmed his impression that I'm a "broken down person." I'm totally worthless.

And I still have to see him 3+ times a week.

 

You're so not worthless. You really are not worthless. Please don't tell yourself that, okay?

 

When someone stabs you in the back like that, it's so hard to not tell them exactly how they made you feel. It's so hard to walk away without an acknowledgment of what they did to you. You're not an idiot. You're hurting. And it really doesn't help that you have to sit in class with the guy every week.

 

I'm sorry, shadow. Don't beat yourself up, okay? *hugs*

[anne1707]

This because apparently of the class presentation and the stress I was under during the abortion.

 

If ever there was anything to tell you that he is not worth your tears, this is it. If he dares to complain that you were stressed at having an abortion for a pregnancy that he was 50% responsible for and did not want then he is a pathetic, miserable, selfish, immature little boy who does not know what it is like to be an adult with a sense of responsibility.

 

Stop letting him project his insecurities on to you. You deserve better.

[shadowplay]

If ever there was anything to tell you that he is not worth your tears, this is it. If he dares to complain that you were stressed at having an abortion for a pregnancy that he was 50% responsible for and did not want then he is a pathetic, miserable, selfish, immature little boy who does not know what it is like to be an adult with a sense of responsibility.

 

Stop letting him project his insecurities on to you. You deserve better.

 

Well he didn't say it was because of the abortion, but it's implied because he was reacting to the fact that I was down during that period, which is for obvious reasons. I explained to him it was because of the abortion, and he said he just can't shake this image he has of me now as being a "broken down" person.

[anne1707]

Stop making excuses for him. You are letting him wear you down when it is all really about him and that he could not face the consequences of his actions.

 

What sane, reasonable person would not be stressed about having an abortion!

[dreamingoftigers]

I cannot tell you how many times I have seen this kind of black-and-white thinking.

 

It's like your mind has said, "it is either his fault or my fault, either he is bad or I am bad." Because you are still in love with him and see him as close to perfect, you refuse to have him be "the bad one." So you are, you put yourself in that role because you cannot see how else this could work, you colour yourself as "worthless and undeserving of love" because in your mind's eye, he isn't.

 

Accept the fact that you are both two imperfect beings. You are attracted to guys that have ridiculous expectations, and your own expectations are low. You characterizing yourself through a relationship that hasn't even lasted a year. How could what happened in these last four-six months make you unworthy of love? Did you cheat, abuse, torture the guy? I doubt it. And even people that did are abundant on loveshack and they do not strike me as "unworthy of love." Some behave like it and should stop, but that alone does not make them unworthy.

 

Take a look at co-dependency because it sounds like you are using relationships to try to heal some of the sad parts of yourself.

[CollectiveVelvet]

Well he didn't say it was because of the abortion, but it's implied because he was reacting to the fact that I was down during that period, which is for obvious reasons. I explained to him it was because of the abortion, and he said he just can't shake this image he has of me now as being a "broken down" person.

 

Ahhhh. Take a deep breath.

 

Now think about what you would be willing to do for someone having the difficulty you have had these last few months. Think about the kind of person you are and what you have to offer to the people you love.

 

Now realize that if the least he can do is not offer any of those things and play head games he is NOT worth your time or attention. He will not apologize, he will not openly feel bad. This expresses that he is not mature or advanced enough to understand his actions and their consequences. He may never be.

 

Shadow, you deserve more. I think even you know this. I know being alone is hard (especially with him there several time a week) for you but now is the time to dedicate some time to self-analysis and putting your heart into things and people that deserve it. We are all here if you need help or a shoulder. You can PM me and I will talk if you'd like when you are feeling weak.

[Star Gazer]

I just told him that I felt like he had totally shut me out from ever really expressing how much he hurt me because he blocked me immediately after he dumped me.

 

I don't know of many dumpers who allow the dumpee to express themselves about how badly the dumper hurt them. Who would?

 

At this point all I want from his is some acknowledgment of the hurt he's caused me, of which he gave me very little. But I guess I'll never get that from him. It's so hard to move on when you feel like the other person isn't even sorry.

 

You'll never get strength from someone else, Shadow. You have to find it within yourself.

[alphamale]

I feel like such a worthless idiot for begging him ...

you may be an idiot but not a worthless one

[D-Lish]

Shadow, people that don't have anxiety, truly don't understand it.

 

When you talked about having to miss class because of your anxiety, I have empathy. I have those same issues. I have been dealing with it since childhood. I have just learned to push past it and force myself to follow through with the things that inspire my anxiety.

 

I dated a guy that didn't understand my little aversions and social phobias- and he turned out to be the worst person in the world for me to date. His lack of empathy made my anxiety worse.

 

I find that when my stress is heightened, my anxiety is less manageable. It's no wonder you got a little out of sorts during your abortion ordeal.

 

You can truly measure a person's character by how they respond to you during your worst moments. He turned his back on you when you needed him the most- and that is a character flaw in him, not you.

[threebyfate]

He just gets worse and worse. I think you were wearing rose coloured glasses when you said he was perfect.

 

Do you remember the day of or after your abortion when you were concerned about your bleeding? I bit my tongue...errr...held my fingers, but where the hell was he when this happened? He should have been by your side that day.

 

I'm going to throw out a comparison. That day I started spotting, H. dropped everything and came home. He wouldn't take no for an answer from my doctor's office to see me that day.

 

While H. isn't the perfect man, he showed he cared by being there for myself and Bump.

 

It's time to take this guy off his undeserving pedestal.

[alphamale]

even i suffer from clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks, phobias. it has wreaked havoc in my life and i have to take a number of medications on a daily basis....its pretty common

[Rearden Metal]

even i suffer from clinical depression, anxiety, panic attacks, phobias. it has wreaked havoc in my life and i have to take a number of medications on a daily basis....its pretty common

 

Wait. What? You?

 

I don't know what to make of that!

[alphamale]

Wait. What? You?

yes me, i have mentioned it once or twice before here

[Hot Carl]

you may be an idiot but not a worthless one

 

That's right, shadow. Leave the worthlessness to us experts.

 

There isn't a lot people can say to erase the awful thoughts from your mind. The problem is that your mind is determined to hang onto them for God knows what reason. Most people have a terrible tendency to believe the worst about themselves and the best about everyone else. I don't know why we do it, but we do, and it's the thing that turns an otherwise great life into a hard, bitter trudge through the years.

 

The key to happiness is to give yourself some credit and understanding. But it's so hard to be objective. And when you look around at the people to whom self-forgiveness comes naturally, they tend to be shallow and kind of dangerous.

 

People here know a lot about you. And they like you enough to keep trying to help you feel better. The number one super-skill you should learn if you can is how to do the same for yourself. Life is going to hand you setbacks in the future, and you'll benefit from not letting yourself fall too far down. Hang in there, shadow. Try not to worry.

[shadowplay]

Long post.

 

So I had my last real talk with him last night. I say last, because it was my way of saying goodbye to him and I feel determined to stick to it. After this, all my hope is basically dead, which is probably a good thing. I finally got a chance to say goodbye to him, and I also saw that he did care and feel pain. In another way, it made me feel weaker and like he was stronger and in the right.

 

We went to my room and he spent a few hours just holding me , and letting me cry. We did have sex, which probably wasn't a good idea. It was my idea, not his, and he was resistant to it at first because he thought it would hurt me more. When we started doing it, he got really into it and requested that we do things we had never done but he had always wanted to (like go down on me). Having sex with him was a poor choice on my part, but so far I don't feel totally miserable about it or used. I know he was doing it because I wanted it and because he missed me and would be the last time he'd ever be able to touch me.

 

Throughout the night there was a lot of love in his eyes, including when we were having sex.

 

I didn't try to convince him to take me back. I've given up on that. I just told him how much I love him and how I would always remember this moment because it was the last we'd spend together. I could see the pain in his eyes, and for once since the breakup his guard was genuinely down, and it was obvious he felt really bad about hurting me. He made a genuine effort to comfort me.

 

He told me he still loved me a lot, and he would love to be with me if he could get over this feeling, but it won't go away. He told me that I'm anamazing person who has so much to offer and absolutely beautiful. I don't know how I felt about him saying this, because the obvious response is "then why the fck don't you want to be with me?"

 

As he described it, the feeling is that he can't be in a relationship with me without constantly, constantly being plagued with worry about me to the point that he can't even function on a basic level. I'll never really understand this, since my anxiety/insecurity didn't come up often, especially compared to my past relationships. I thought I had made huge strides in this regard. I know based on how I'm reacting to the breakup, I probably seem like a mess, but the truth is I was really good to him and I never over-relied on him for anything. I did share some of my anxiety, but in moderation...and there was usually an obvious stressor causing it like the abortion or job loss. That's what hurts so much. I wish I could be like, OK, I fcked up, but that's not what happened. It's like despite my self improvements and efforts to maintain a healthy relationship, he saw some seed of weakness in me and it repelled him.

 

Considering that it was tied to all the shiat I've gone through lately, it didn't make sense that he would judge my character for it. And he never even told me it bothered him, and acted like he totally accepted everything about me and would never hurt me. I pointed out to him that I hadn't even done anything to cause him to worry like this, aside from being stressed out by the abortion and job loss and having a few weak moments because of that, and he granted I was probably right, but said that doesn't make the feeling go away.

 

 

He said his feeling of not being able to function was so strong that he literally felt sick and gripped by anxiety, like he was actually visibly shaking. He compared it to the way I felt around him during the abortion when I would get uncontrollably nauseated.

 

I guess what hurt after speaking with him was that I no longer felt convinced that he did anything wrong. It made me feel as though maybe he made the right choice in not even giving me a chance when he had this sudden epiphany, which makes it harder for me to tell myself I'm not losing someone special. I also wonder what it is about me that would cause this extreme reaction in somebody else.

 

 

I remembered to myself when we first started going out how he would have frequent freakouts over absolutely nothing, because he would suddenly feel certain that I was going to realize I didn't want to be him or he screwed up our budding relationship by being an idiot. His brain would go haywire and he'd look tortured for an hour or two. I would calm him down. Like I would give him a random, totally innocuous glance, and he would interpret it as some sort of rejection. Whatever this anxiety thing is, I realized last night it's not out of character. It's just a far more extreme version of that.

 

He also kind of granted after I explained to him about the abortion really shaking me up that it's his problem, but he was unwilling to say that even if he ever got over the problem he would be with me because he said he didn't want to give me false hope, and because even if it's not my fault his mind has sort of conditioned him into associating me with this anxiety or projecting it onto me, that he doesn't know if he could ever go back. And he said "there will be other girls." Even though I know that's true, it really hurts and makes me feel like it is me and not him.

 

 

So seeing him last night was really hard in some ways, but I think it was effective in killing my hope. It also made me realize that I cannot be friends with him at all. I can be friendly in class, but that's it. He still gave me the option that in a few weeks we can hang out as friends and see what happens with the potential of a relationship if it works out, but I know I absolutely can't do that, mostly because I realize he's not going to ever come to his senses.

 

The main negative feeling I'm left with, though, is this fear that he's the stronger one, and he was right in what he did. Maybe in the future I'll be able to accept some blame if there's any to accept, but right now I just REALLY need to believe that it's him and not me...and that I didn't lose anything worthwhile, that he's weak, whatever. Tell me this is true.

 

For what it's worth, I have been functioning elsewhere in my life. I've been consistently going to classes, doing work for the most part, going to therapy sessions and other appointments I set up last week. This aspect of my life has been going better than before the breakup, but inside I feel like a weak mess...mostly because I tried so hard to get him back and that I let this question my own self worth. Which in turn leads me to feeling as though his rejection of me was justified because he sensed that weakness in me. There's also the feeling of regret that maybe if I had played my cards right, not shown him the extent of my hurt and given him some space, I could have had him back.

 

I don't need to be told to make no more contact. That will just make me feel worse. The whole point of this meeting was to give me closure, which I feel like it sort of did. I have no desire to rehash this thing with him ever again.

[shadowplay]

:mad:shadowplay,

 

 

OHHHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYY GOD.:mad::mad::mad:

 

I try not to get angry but your flippin EX has made me very cross indeed:mad::mad::mad:

 

You are worthy of love and should NEVER ever say you are not. He is the biggest sh*t i have seen on here for a long time. For all the upset you have had to be so cruel to you...........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

 

I my have to start up......................SH*T OF THE MONTH again and he will be top of my list.

 

Bug ((hugs)) to you and the curse of a thousand camel fleas on him:p

 

 

Nobby xxxx (cross Nobby)

 

Thanks for the vicarious vile. I could use some of that now. Did you read my recent post above? Seeing him again makes me worry that I may have misjudged him and he was justified for dumping me.

[shadowplay]

To his favor he never actually said the abortion contributed to his turnaround, but he did grant that the fact that I was stressed out by it caused him to see me in a different light, as someone he always needed to worry about. And even knowing that isn't "fair," he can't get rid of the feeling.

[Hot Carl]

Shadow I see you at risk of assessing your value completely based on what he did and said about you. If you let that happen, you're in for a very difficult time. You have to start the process of focusing on what is good about you. You don't have to forget the idea that there are areas where you can improve yourself, but making those improvements can come later. The priority for now is recovering your self-esteem and getting back on solid ground psychologically.

 

You're a good, sweet, deep, caring person, Shadow. You're attractive and young, well-educated, articulate, and creative. Focus on those things and remember that they are at least as important as, in fact maybe much more important than, what one very young guy you dated for a few months couldn't handle. He has you believing he can do better. And you'd better believe that you can, too.

[CLC2008]

Thanks for the vicarious vile. I could use some of that now. Did you read my recent post above? Seeing him again makes me worry that I may have misjudged him and he was justified for dumping me.

 

Maybe he feels justified because his baby was aborted and referred to as a piece of skin.

Maybe he feels justified because his girlfriend was “repulsed” by him (hormones/pregnancy)

Maybe he feels justified because his girlfriend viewed him as needy

Maybe he feels justified because his girlfriend disliked his appearance (his hair)

Maybe he feels justified because his girlfriend disliked his family

Maybe he feels justified because his girlfriend ditched him after they made a video together for a school assignment

Maybe he feels justified because his girlfriend dislikes kissing

Maybe he feels justified because of mismatched sexual preferences

 

Shadow, for your own well being, please take step back and put things into perspective...

 

You will get there, keep pushing yourself, you will be fine.

[donnamaybe]

Well he didn't say it was because of the abortion, but it's implied because he was reacting to the fact that I was down during that period, which is for obvious reasons. I explained to him it was because of the abortion, and he said he just can't shake this image he has of me now as being a "broken down" person.

 

You needed his support during that time but instead he denigrated you for having emotional needs during such a trying episode?

 

You are SO much better than he deserves!!

[shadowplay]

Maybe he feels justified because his baby was aborted and referred to as a piece of skin.

Maybe he feels justified because his girlfriend was “repulsed” by him (hormones/pregnancy)

Maybe he feels justified because his girlfriend viewed him as needy

Maybe he feels justified because his girlfriend disliked his appearance (his hair)

Maybe he feels justified because his girlfriend disliked his family

Maybe he feels justified because his girlfriend ditched him after they made a video together for a school assignment

Maybe he feels justified because his girlfriend dislikes kissing

Maybe he feels justified because of mismatched sexual preferences

 

Shadow, for your own well being, please take step back and put things into perspective...

 

You will get there, keep pushing yourself, you will be fine.

 

Gee, thanks for making me feel terrible. WTF?

 

I never told him I viewed him as needy, that I felt temporarily repulsed by his appearance, that I disliked his family (which isn't even true), and I kissed him all the time...it just wasn't my favorite thing to do.

[CollectiveVelvet]

Shadow I see you at risk of assessing your value completely based on what he did and said about you. If you let that happen, you're in for a very difficult time. You have to start the process of focusing on what is good about you. You don't have to forget the idea that there are areas where you can improve yourself, but making those improvements can come later. The priority for now is recovering your self-esteem and getting back on solid ground psychologically.

 

You're a good, sweet, deep, caring person, Shadow. You're attractive and young, well-educated, articulate, and creative. Focus on those things and remember that they are at least as important as, in fact maybe much more important than, what one very young guy you dated for a few months couldn't handle. He has you believing he can do better. And you'd better believe that you can, too.

 

Very well said. These things need to be worked on but Shadow you have to learn how to hold on to your view of yourself in a healthy way without letting someone else's view override it.

[shadowplay]

Shadow I see you at risk of assessing your value completely based on what he did and said about you. If you let that happen, you're in for a very difficult time. You have to start the process of focusing on what is good about you. You don't have to forget the idea that there are areas where you can improve yourself, but making those improvements can come later. The priority for now is recovering your self-esteem and getting back on solid ground psychologically.

 

You're a good, sweet, deep, caring person, Shadow. You're attractive and young, well-educated, articulate, and creative. Focus on those things and remember that they are at least as important as, in fact maybe much more important than, what one very young guy you dated for a few months couldn't handle. He has you believing he can do better. And you'd better believe that you can, too.

 

Thanks, H_C. Hearing stuff like this helps. I have a question, though. How do I not put pressure on myself to make those improvements AND recover my self esteem, since its lowness is based on my deficiencies in certain areas.

 

Also, right now it's more about trying to convince myself that he's weak, immature, whatever; that makes it a lot easier to detach in the short term and recover some sanity. Later I can take a more balanced perspective, if there is one. Because I'm really trying to build some healthy anger and convince myself he's an idiot, I can't allow the thought that he can do better into my head at this point. Do you think he can?