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There is HOPE!

chapter44

By chapter44
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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chapter44 Established Member

chapter44

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After a devastating divorce 3 yrs ago and over a year of healing and working through my issues I met the love of my life. She said all the right things, did all the things I desparately needed and wanted, and we became friends. She was the person I couldn't wait to talk to and my "go to" girl for all of lifes trials. I fell in love with her before I ever kissed her and couldn't believe my good fortune.

 

After dating for a resonable period of time 8 months I decided I wanted to marry her - God had blessed me with a woman who possessed everything I ever wanted or needed. Shortly after our engagement little things began to surface which I acknowledged but dismissed as minor. Her constant need for reassurance, not wanting me to talk to ex in-laws, lack of motivation to contribute to our household, and complaining about us not having fun.

 

After the engagement I came across an email to her ex trying to re-establish contact with him. I called her on it and she simply said she just wanted closure. Needless to say I was livid and prepared to move out at this violation of trust and respect. After years of working on myself I should have listened to my inner voice that this was going to be trouble. She promised that it meant nothing and wanted only me - I agreed to stay because I didn't want to be such a "black or white" person.

 

We moved along and over the course of time had some minor disagreements but for the most part I was extremely happy. At the holidays she again was emailling her ex but this time she told him that she loved me, that I was a good man, etc... I was upset because she promised the communication was over but I let it go because she stood up for our relationship.

 

Flash forward to Easter weekend - we had a rough few days - her constant neediness was draining me emotionally, and physically and I was pretty much over trying to fill the voids in her life which were rapidily creating them in me. I still loved and thought to myself there has to be a way to work through this together and salvage our engagement. On Monday we agree we need to take a break and that I would move out of the house we had shared for over a year and move into a vacant rental house that I own.

 

Monday night at 7 she texts me and says "it would be better if I don't come home" Okay where do you want me to go in such short notice? I agree and go to a hotel until I can move my belongings into the rental house. Of course I didn't sleep a wink and 6:00 am I decide to go home. She of course had been reaching out to her ex (who by the way has some issues with drugs) and they had planned to meet that night at a local bar. I pull up to house and walk in the side door and there is ANOTHER man and her laying on the sectional. She proceeds to tell me it is her "friend" and that she just didn't want to be alone. At that moment I knew what to do. I called the movers and had everything I owned out of that house that day.

 

Since that day I realised this: Listen to yourself no matter how small the signs - they are always there. It has been one week today since I have been out of the house and I feel great - there will be no long mourning this time for me. I know I was good to her the way you should with anyone you love. I provided for her, helped her family, treated her respectfully, loved and cherished her. Was I perfect no - but I did everything I could to express my love. When its time to let go people please let go. Do not get sucked into your exes telling you this is your fault - its their way of dealing with the guilt they have and transferring that shame onto you - DO NOT BELIEVE THAT.

 

So did I have another failed relationship? No I used the tools I learned in my past to 1. Find love again. and 2. Know when its time to walk away instead of endure years of betrayal and heartache. I know alot of you are hurting right now but keep your head up - there is always hope.

soleharmony1123 Established Member

soleharmony1123

Posted
Posted

Chapter44, I appreciated your post.

 

 

-Sole

LisaUk Established Member

LisaUk

Posted
Posted

I appreciate your post to Chapter44. I also know you are right, my ex left me just over a year ago, after 18 years together and right after we booked our wedding. For years every time he made excuses not to get married (we were engaged 8 years), I pushed my worries aside. I should have listened to my gut telling me he is committment phobic. Even now I doubt myself, internalising all the contradictory "reasons" he gave after he left ( he didn't bother to tell me why before he left, I had to beg to find out why he had left me). He was also a liar, something else I pushed aside, b/c I wanted to belive him, I loved him and trusted him and I too did not want to be that black and white person. Hope? I hope your right, b/c I am still fairly miserable right now. Thanks for posting and I hope you are doing OK?

EmperorR Established Member

EmperorR

Posted
Posted (edited)
After a devastating divorce 3 yrs ago and over a year of healing and working through my issues I met the love of my life. She said all the right things, did all the things I desparately needed and wanted, and we became friends. She was the person I couldn't wait to talk to and my "go to" girl for all of lifes trials. I fell in love with her before I ever kissed her and couldn't believe my good fortune.

 

After dating for a resonable period of time 8 months I decided I wanted to marry her - God had blessed me with a woman who possessed everything I ever wanted or needed. Shortly after our engagement little things began to surface which I acknowledged but dismissed as minor. Her constant need for reassurance, not wanting me to talk to ex in-laws, lack of motivation to contribute to our household, and complaining about us not having fun.

 

After the engagement I came across an email to her ex trying to re-establish contact with him. I called her on it and she simply said she just wanted closure. Needless to say I was livid and prepared to move out at this violation of trust and respect. After years of working on myself I should have listened to my inner voice that this was going to be trouble. She promised that it meant nothing and wanted only me - I agreed to stay because I didn't want to be such a "black or white" person.

 

We moved along and over the course of time had some minor disagreements but for the most part I was extremely happy. At the holidays she again was emailling her ex but this time she told him that she loved me, that I was a good man, etc... I was upset because she promised the communication was over but I let it go because she stood up for our relationship.

 

Flash forward to Easter weekend - we had a rough few days - her constant neediness was draining me emotionally, and physically and I was pretty much over trying to fill the voids in her life which were rapidily creating them in me. I still loved and thought to myself there has to be a way to work through this together and salvage our engagement. On Monday we agree we need to take a break and that I would move out of the house we had shared for over a year and move into a vacant rental house that I own.

 

Monday night at 7 she texts me and says "it would be better if I don't come home" Okay where do you want me to go in such short notice? I agree and go to a hotel until I can move my belongings into the rental house. Of course I didn't sleep a wink and 6:00 am I decide to go home. She of course had been reaching out to her ex (who by the way has some issues with drugs) and they had planned to meet that night at a local bar. I pull up to house and walk in the side door and there is ANOTHER man and her laying on the sectional. She proceeds to tell me it is her "friend" and that she just didn't want to be alone. At that moment I knew what to do. I called the movers and had everything I owned out of that house that day.

 

Since that day I realised this: Listen to yourself no matter how small the signs - they are always there. It has been one week today since I have been out of the house and I feel great - there will be no long mourning this time for me. I know I was good to her the way you should with anyone you love. I provided for her, helped her family, treated her respectfully, loved and cherished her. Was I perfect no - but I did everything I could to express my love. When its time to let go people please let go. Do not get sucked into your exes telling you this is your fault - its their way of dealing with the guilt they have and transferring that shame onto you - DO NOT BELIEVE THAT.

 

So did I have another failed relationship? No I used the tools I learned in my past to 1. Find love again. and 2. Know when its time to walk away instead of endure years of betrayal and heartache. I know alot of you are hurting right now but keep your head up - there is always hope.

 

 

Amen Sir, sometimes a hard breakup is needed for future relationships so you don';t waste time, you know the mistakes you made and move on. After my ex fiance cheated and dumped me like a pathetic loser I begged and pleaded for weeks months, took me a year to get over her.

 

This time My last ex I found a love letter she wrote to her ex who cheated on her and gave her std, and that was it, told her to get Lost and although it hurts I won't make the same mistakes twice.

Edited by EmperorR
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