will i ever trust?

[davisc123]

Sorry for the long post. i just really need some advice.

 

My gf and I have been together for 4 years, we are both approaching our mid-twenties. She came out of a bad relationship and it has been my first serious one. Basically until very recently I thought we were a fantastic couple. We have had a great time together, have shared so many good memories and arguments could be counted on one hand. I was/am totally in love with her.

 

Over the last couple of months one of her friends broke up with a long term partner, and my gf became her confidant. She spent a lot of time texting her and talking things over. They started to go out on the odd night out as well, but this wasnt a problem as I 100% trusted my gf.

 

After she had a night out a couple of months ago, when at my house (parents home) she clammed up as to the events of her night. This was out of character and so when she was in the bathroom i quickly glanced at her phone and found several messages from a guy. I didnt read them and asked her when she came back who he was. She basically said she enjoyed the attention as i wasnt paying her enough when we were out as a couple. She also said she had been feeling stuck in a rut.

 

I was devastated. I have basically been devoted to her throughout our time together, we had talked seriously about our future etc. I have always been there for her making sure she had all the benefits her last idiot bf denied her (good social life, holidays etc). I welcomed her into my circle of friends, supported through her hard times and basically my world revolved around her. Despite the fact I found her excuses hard to believe over the next few weeks I tried desperately to be an even better bf.

 

I am a laid back non-jealous type and yet in this time my character has changed. I got clingy and worried about what she was doing when not with me. It didnt help she never suggested deleting the guys number. When I saw the guy around and told her she breezed it off. She started acting less affectionate and didnt bother as much if I was around, even though we still spent a lot of time together. She also spent a lot more time with her friend in need, finding money to go out with her but not wanting to commit to anything with me.

 

After a month of this, and during that period a complete lack of sleep and stress etc I ended our relationship. She said she still loved me and got very upset. She eventually agreed it was the right thing and that although she still loved me and considered me her best friend the spark had gone. The next few days were the hardest of my life, I was a wreck.

 

Then she asked to talk to me, and when we met up said she missed me. We decided to give it another go but although things have improved and we are happy with each other I noticed a message on her phone that showed she was a lot more into the guy she was texting than she had let on, and had continued texting him in the weeks leading to our break up, behind my back. He has also been away in the time that we broke up and got back together, and is coming home this weekend. I confronted her and she denies liking him, despite my proof to the contrary. She insists she hasnt slept with him but I am not convinced.

 

Without going into (even more) detail I basically know she likes this guy and yet has chosen to stay with me. She deleted his number eventually although it was at my request and she seemed at pains to do so. I am worried that when he reappears things will get complicated. I am struggling to trust her as I know she has lied to me over the last few weeks and for the first time in our relationship have seen a different side to her. She maintains that she wants me and our future together. I want it as well but know there are things that have happened and she refuses to let on. I love her so much but it eats at me wondering what really went on.

 

has anybody got any advice?

[davisc123]

I found out yesterday she slept with the guy. She confessed that the week before we broke up she went back to his place after a night out and the unthinkable happened.

 

Hearing it was probably the worst moment of my life. I had thought about trying to put my doubts to the side and trying to carry on as normal, but I had to know the whole truth and my gut told me she was keeping something from me. I pretty much cracked and wouldnt back down till she gave me the answer.

 

I have no doubt she regrets it totally and was trying her best to hide it for the right reasons. She said she would understand if I walked away, but also that she would never hurt me again if we could give it another go. She says she can't believe she cheated, it seems we both thought she wasnt the cheating type.

 

I cant believe that I am even considering it but I feel like I want us to work. She told me that she would do anything to assure me and would try forever to gain back my trust, if I stay. But also that she is disgusted at herself and has had so much trouble living with the guilt, and if I left she wouldnt stand in my way.

 

My heads spinning. Sorry if my posts arent legible, I know nobody has replied but I feel it has helped to attempt writing my feelings down.

[U2RockZz]

I found out yesterday she slept with the guy. She confessed that the week before we broke up she went back to his place after a night out and the unthinkable happened.

 

Hearing it was probably the worst moment of my life. I had thought about trying to put my doubts to the side and trying to carry on as normal, but I had to know the whole truth and my gut told me she was keeping something from me. I pretty much cracked and wouldnt back down till she gave me the answer.

 

I have no doubt she regrets it totally and was trying her best to hide it for the right reasons. She said she would understand if I walked away, but also that she would never hurt me again if we could give it another go. She says she can't believe she cheated, it seems we both thought she wasnt the cheating type.

 

I cant believe that I am even considering it but I feel like I want us to work. She told me that she would do anything to assure me and would try forever to gain back my trust, if I stay. But also that she is disgusted at herself and has had so much trouble living with the guilt, and if I left she wouldnt stand in my way.

 

My heads spinning. Sorry if my posts arent legible, I know nobody has replied but I feel it has helped to attempt writing my feelings down.

 

you are just wasting your time on this chick,she already proven once how much she can be trusted.... run like hell....her cheating was not a mistake , she knows wht she was doing , she did it...as simple as that

[monkeymaid]

dude this is my story. ...i dont know if she cheated, but i feel your pain....**** her.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t224418/ here is my thread

 

find your balls, dump her ass, then if she spends the next 3 years begging you daily, then tell her that you can be friends and see where it goes.

 

bro, all i can say is do not give her the time of day!!!

 

she will do it again! believe that!!

Edited April 16, 2010 by monkeymaid

[ADF]

Whether you realize it or not, your post reveals you are NOT the laid-back, non-jealous type you think you arte. Instead, you come across as an intensely insecure, suspicious, needy person. Yes, your GF lied to you and she should be ashamed of herself. If she wanted didn't want to continue your relationship, she should have said so outright. But what is this nonsese of your constant snooping through your GF's phone? It just makes you look pathetic and weak. Did you really need to do all that snooping to know something was wrong? This woman is clearly not nearly as interested in you as you are in her, she has lied about it, and you are so needy that you are constantly spying on her. This relationship is joke. Kick her to the curb already and move on.

[davisc123]

Thanks for the advice guys. MM I read your thread and know exactly how you feel. I suppose the hardest part is letting your head rule and not your emotions.

 

I have finished things between us, she begged and pleaded for another chance. Despite what she had done it was still hard seeing her a wreck like that. I managed to weather it though and stayed resolute. I'm finding things really tough right now but know it is for the best.

 

ADF, I appreciate what you were saying with regards to being needy etc. I became that person when it was clear there was a problem. It was hard for me to comprehend how somebody could go from being totally in love with me, spending all of their time with me for literally years then changing so suddenly. I behaved wrongly in picking up her phone when I did but in a way it was justified by the fact she had something to hide. without that evidence she could have buried it and I may never have known.

 

Its insignificant now but in the past I was always let her do what she wanted, and never picked up her phone etc (Thing is it wouldnt have been an issue if i did, she read mines all the time and back then would show me messages on hers all the time). I encouraged her to do things as I quite enjoy having time to myself. The fact that she changed and it changed me only proves that our relationship had run its course I suppose.

[EthanH]

ok sheesh.

 

Well first of all... how old are you both? I get the impression you are both young. And therefore, I think she is confused as to what she wants. That isn't her fault. She doesn't know. She knows she likes you. But she knows also that she wasn't sure when she hooked up with the guy. I think it is a natural part of being young and being in a relationship, you don't want mundane, every-day lives, you want excitement, you want the buzz of knowing someone special likes you. She might like you, but she took you for granted. I know that sounds like she is terrible, but I don't think she meant it, and I don't think you can blame her for it. You can say she should have respected you more, but when you start to take someone for granted, it is difficult to change that. You think in your head that you should respect them more and not take them for granted, but it doesn't work that way, you can't change what your gut is telling you.

 

I have changed my view on how I see cheating in the last few months. Originally, I thought it was a terrible thing, something which is worse than anything, i was so passionately against it. BUT now i see it differently. To me, I have never cheated on anyone, but I cannot say I haven't considered it. I just think people can be too moral about it. Peoples feelings at this time, young peoples feelings, change, we aren't even sure of how we feel about ourselves, let alone about others. Sometimes strong feelings about the person we are with holds us close to them, other times it scares us. Sometimes the more you like someone the more it makes you want to run.

So I wouldn't blame her too much. I think what she did is quite normal, I'm not saying it is nice for it to happen to you, and she shouldn't have done it, but try to see the situation as a whole, to me it is understandable. I don't think it shows that you she doesn't care for you. More that she just wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship then, maybe she is now... she has obviously learnt some lessons.

 

One word of warning however. Don't ever read her phone again. It is a bad bad bad bad thing. You HAVE to trust her. If she is going to cheat on you again, you can act on it after she has done it. You cannot stop her from cheating on you. But you can keep your integrity, and by snooping on her, you are allowing yourself to suggest that she needs to be checked up on. It won't work if you do this. She should still be allowed her own privacy. I know she cheated on you, but you have to learn to trust someone, if not her then make sure that when you get into something else, you give them a clean slate, a relationship won't work if you start by not trusting them and having the issues from your previous relationship unfairly making you make your new gf take the blame for your ex's mistakes.

[monkeymaid]

i agree that the feelings and desire to cheat are normal, but there is no way that its ok to carry out the action. i dont care if yo do it at 13 or 85. ...cheating is unacceptable andif you are oging to act on it, you should pull the plug on the relationship first. immature yes, wrong yes, understandable no!! if you cannot behave properly in a relationship or are confused about relationships in general, be up front about it, or dont get into it!

 

cheating is never understanable or acceptable under any circumstances

[davisc123]

We are both in our mid-twenties. I know we are both young and thinking about myself I feel this would be the best time to move on. It wont be easy though, the last couple of months aside we had a great relationship. We had so much in common and similar personalities - both outgoing. That's not to say there wasn't any problems, but nothing remotely serious until she met this guy.

 

Its hard to forgive. If it was a one night stand at the drop of a hat I would seriously think she was capable of doing it again. In this case it isnt even the fact she liked this guy so much that hurts the most. If she was honest and we talked it over - had a break or whatever it would have been heartbreaking but I believe she would have come back like she has done having realised that she really wants me.

 

The sneakiness and disregard for my feelings is the worst. She kept on stringing me along and texting him behind my back. She clearly couldnt make her mind up whether she wanted me or him and decided to test the water with him and keep me hanging on taking advantage of my good nature. On the night she slep with him we were both out on seperate nights with our friends. I met up with her at the end of the night and asked her to stay at mines. She refused and said she was going to her friends to stay, so it was premeditated.

 

Ultimately I just feel her plight is just too little too late, which is a shame as I genuinely thought we were a match made in heaven

[EthanH]

wow, ok

 

see reading your post, it makes me realise how forgiving/weak I am, in your situation, I would probably still give it a shot. Read my post about this. And maybe talk about it to me on skype? (username: ethanhurlington) Isn't it difficult knowing that you could have something really special with this girl? I have thought about relationships at our age, and when one of you hasn't been with anyone else, I know people like to cling onto a romantic view of couples, but the fact is, if people are inexperienced these days, it is difficult to appreciate someone if they have had no other experience.

[davisc123]

Ethan, I dont think its all black and white thats for sure. And I dont think taking her back would be the weak thing, I actually feel quite weak in that I dont feel I have the strength to try and forgive her when maybe she does deserve another chance. But then again I'm just not sure, I am totally inexperienced in relationship problems like this, our relationship has been my only serious one. The last day or so has been hellish. I cant shake the feeling I may be making a mistake.

 

On the other hand it might be for the best for both parties. Her first serious relationship was at a young age and a couple of months later we ended up together. We were both 20, I had been single (more or less) throughout my late teens and she had been with an abusive partner. She didnt have the normal period young people tend to enjoy.

 

Thing is, I couldnt show her it wasnt all it was cracked up to be, and as she is a beautiful girl she was always going to get attention. I just dont know though, because although she has been in a relationship with me we have had a great social life and havent really settled down as such. The more I think it over the more confused I become.

 

P.s sorry I dont have/use skype!

[EthanH]

Your reply confuses me.

 

All I know is that I have had one night stands before, when I have been absolutely heartbroken by a break-up, and it hasn't meant anything. Until that time, I always was very high-brow about that kinda stuff... but it literally meant nothing. There was more feeling when I hug a friend or something. In a way I think it helps me understand that people can do that and it doesn't matter, as long as afterwards they realise that they want to be with you. I could have 100 one night stands and it wouldn't change the way I feel about my ex. I think, if you are having doubts you made the right decision, go for it, what have you got to lose... my way of seeing it is, if you don't you will always wonder 'what if?' and the grass isn't always greener on the other side. The trust thing is one thing, but I would say almost that she is more likely to be honest with you now and from now on...than at any other time previously. If she is going to cheat on you, shes going to cheat on you...you cannot stop that... so all you have to do is live for the moment and enjoy what you have with her...

[Template]

Hey bud,

Can I kick you in the nuts over and over again. And again. And again.

 

Look you are still young, and she is NOT the only one for you. Trust me on that. The ONLY one for you will not cheat on you. Her true character has shown, and as you've experienced, she's fully capable of cheating and lying to your face. The only reason she feels bad is she got caught. Plain an simple. You are officially not the back burner dude, and the only thing you can do to get out of that status in her eyes, is for you to choose not to be anything at all.

[davisc123]

Just to make things a bit clearer, I initially broke up with her after a few weeks of her acting differently around me. Distant etc. I thought she was going off me and although I knew she had texted the other guy initially I genuinely had no idea they were still in contact throughout this period let alone the fact she also slept with him.

 

I broke up with her thinking the spark had just gone for whatever reason. I didnt want to but the torment in her change in attitude was affecting my mental and physical health and as a knock on affect my family and work.

 

That is why it is hard for me to forgive. We got back together and I thought she had come to her senses, but when I found out about everything else (her cheating and secrecy) suddenly everything added up. She must have liked the guy otherwise she wouldnt have jeapordised our relationship by treating me so unfairly. Basically it wasnt a one night stand she kept me hanging whilst making a selfish decision - fling or me. She made the right decision too late.

 

Anyway thanks for all the advice and opinions folks it has helped me out. onwards and upwards