Is ignoring a woman good or fatal?

[mirage01]

So I got involved with a good friend of 5 years, for a few months but it turned sour and I basically took off after I was pushed away. I basically ignored her for 8 months and in that time she tried to contact me about 5 times. The last email she sent recently was that she had been thinking about me recently and hoped things were going well, so I responded and we started to chat again on messenger. The thing is she is now totally giving me the cold shoulder!

 

We have barely had a proper convo since we 'made up' and she says shes always busy, very distant, cold replies ect. I confronted her about it and she said what do I expect after ditching her like she was nothing and that she cant trust me like she once did. So im wondering if ive really killed things between us, the feelings she had, or if this is just temporary bitterness?

 

I know women dont like to be ignored but Im not sure if doing it for so long causes permanent damage to the feelings and bond we once had? I have since apologised and been trying to 'butter her up' but when I say those things like 'i miss you' she doesnt reply (sms's), but she replies to normal general conversation. Its quite hurtful as I want us to be as close as we used to be before our friendship got messed up and this is worrying me. We used to be very close before we got too close and ruined things. Why the hell contact someone like that only to act this way?

 

Wondering what the general consensus is on ignoring and what tactics i should apply and what the chances are of patching things up. Thanks!

Edited April 13, 2010 by mirage01

[you are here]

You can't go back in time. You have to accept things the way they stand now or not at all. I would advise not trying to make the relationship into something it's not. She doesn't want to be more than friends, but she doesn't even seem to be too interested in that, either. I think she just wanted some form of acknowledgment from you and now that she's got it she's aloof. You can't undo what's already been done. I would just let it go if I were in your shoes. Trying to restore things to the way they were is only going to cause you frustration and grief.

[Phateless]

Cutting her out of your life for a period allows you to "reset" the dynamic and present yourself anew. If you want her back, ignoring her for a long time was a good move.

 

It doesn't guarantee success in starting things back up, but it was a good move if you're looking to present yourself as a new opportunity for her.

 

EDIT - DO NOT BRING UP THE PAST! DO NOT APOLOGIZE AND TRY TO BUTTER HER UP, YOU ARE SCREWING YOURSELF OVER!

 

You SHOULD strike up conversations and move forward on POSITIVITY. Treat her as a cute girl you just met who you connect with really well. Take her through the standard process of getting to know and dating someone.

 

If you must discuss the past, remind her that you always liked her but she wouldn't let you get close to her. Give her the opportunity to win you over.

 

By apologizing over and over you are handing her all of the power and she is running amok with it.

Edited April 13, 2010 by Phateless

[mirage01]

Cutting her out of your life for a period allows you to "reset" the dynamic and present yourself anew. If you want her back, ignoring her for a long time was a good move.

 

It doesn't guarantee success in starting things back up, but it was a good move if you're looking to present yourself as a new opportunity for her.

 

EDIT - DO NOT BRING UP THE PAST! DO NOT APOLOGIZE AND TRY TO BUTTER HER UP, YOU ARE SCREWING YOURSELF OVER!

 

You SHOULD strike up conversations and move forward on POSITIVITY. Treat her as a cute girl you just met who you connect with really well. Take her through the standard process of getting to know and dating someone.

 

If you must discuss the past, remind her that you always liked her but she wouldn't let you get close to her. Give her the opportunity to win you over.

 

By apologizing over and over you are handing her all of the power and she is running amok with it.

 

Damn, well i already wrote her an email bringing up the past and apologising. I just tried to explain to her my side of things and for her to see things from my perspective and that I wasnt just being a prick, and said sorry and hoped we could fix things up. I know you said its a bad thing, but Im thinking that Its my turn to give her something back and to satisy her a bit , after stone walling her for so long, to massage her ego or feelings that have been hurt. It might be what someone needs to make the next step dont you think?

 

I know what you mean about the power, but maybe she needs it. I got no reply to the email anyway ive said my piece and I will let her make the next move. The regret really stings though. Wish i didnt ignore her for so long even though I was very angry at the time and didnt care.

[TaraMaiden]

So I got involved with a good friend of 5 years, for a few months but it turned sour and I basically took off after I was pushed away. I basically ignored her for 8 months and in that time she tried to contact me about 5 times. The last email she sent recently was that she had been thinking about me recently and hoped things were going well, so I responded and we started to chat again on messenger. The thing is she is now totally giving me the cold shoulder!

 

We have barely had a proper convo since we 'made up' and she says shes always busy, very distant, cold replies ect. I confronted her about it and she said what do I expect after ditching her like she was nothing and that she cant trust me like she once did. So im wondering if ive really killed things between us, the feelings she had, or if this is just temporary bitterness?

 

I know women dont like to be ignored but Im not sure if doing it for so long causes permanent damage to the feelings and bond we once had? I have since apologised and been trying to 'butter her up' but when I say those things like 'i miss you' she doesnt reply (sms's), but she replies to normal general conversation. Its quite hurtful as I want us to be as close as we used to be before our friendship got messed up and this is worrying me. We used to be very close before we got too close and ruined things. Why the hell contact someone like that only to act this way?

 

Wondering what the general consensus is on ignoring and what tactics i should apply and what the chances are of patching things up. Thanks!

 

One, she sent mixed messages in order to throw you breadcrumbs and keep you hanging.

Two, she succeeded, and now she's bouncing you around like one of those dumb toys on a spring...

 

Three, never go back, you can never go back. It never works, not like the first time. You can't reverse time, and you can't recreate a shattered vase into a new one.

Not even as good as new.

 

You sure got suckered back in dincha...?

 

Fancy a long walk?

I'd leave now, if I were you, before it starts to rain....

[monkeymaid]

and you can't recreate a shattered vase into a new one.

Not even as good as new.

 

but you can grind it up into powder, turn it into dust, mix it with the proper ingredients, and make a new vase! but that still doesnt guarantee that it will be what you want. .....or you could go shopping. try out alot of new vases, buy a new one that fits you a little (lot) better.

 

the time involoved with getting her back is going to be LONG!!!!

 

1st. you have to let her go and fix yourself while you are apart. (18 months or more) ....IE become the person you have always wanted to be, but didnt becasue you were pining for this girl

 

2nd. forget about her as she is going to change through the natural course of human existence so she can get over all of the "crazy ex" behavior she has witnessed from you

 

3rd. by then it should be easy to see the path. .if its not easy to see, then continue on with your life becasue some other girl/s will be all over you if youve done it right.

 

 

 

...this is all about you man. this really truly and honestly has nothing to do with her.

[Phateless]

Damn, well i already wrote her an email bringing up the past and apologising. I just tried to explain to her my side of things and for her to see things from my perspective and that I wasnt just being a prick, and said sorry and hoped we could fix things up. I know you said its a bad thing, but Im thinking that Its my turn to give her something back and to satisy her a bit , after stone walling her for so long, to massage her ego or feelings that have been hurt. It might be what someone needs to make the next step dont you think?

 

I know what you mean about the power, but maybe she needs it. I got no reply to the email anyway ive said my piece and I will let her make the next move. The regret really stings though. Wish i didnt ignore her for so long even though I was very angry at the time and didnt care.

 

The thing about that is SHE PUSHED YOU AWAY. She messed up, not you, so why would you apologize? You were standing up for yourself by disappearing, and now you invalidate that with an extended apology.

 

All you've done is make yourself seem spineless and un-masculine to her. Sorry to be harsh.

 

Go NC on her again for a short while, then try to reinitiate fresh, like I said earlier.

 

I do agree that talking things out is good, but you're supplicating to her, and lowering yourself in front of her to try to appease her. While women might want that from guys, they are not attracted to it. Make sense?

 

It's in the past - she shut you out so you bailed - wtf did she expect?

[mirage01]

The thing about that is SHE PUSHED YOU AWAY. She messed up, not you, so why would you apologize? You were standing up for yourself by disappearing, and now you invalidate that with an extended apology.

 

All you've done is make yourself seem spineless and un-masculine to her. Sorry to be harsh.

 

Go NC on her again for a short while, then try to reinitiate fresh, like I said earlier.

 

I do agree that talking things out is good, but you're supplicating to her, and lowering yourself in front of her to try to appease her. While women might want that from guys, they are not attracted to it. Make sense?

 

It's in the past - she shut you out so you bailed - wtf did she expect?

 

Well the full story is that it we were involved but it was a no strings deal, although both of us expressed feelings , and she just got out of a long term relationship so that was not an option, and I basically got too clingy and made her feel stuck in a committment so that was her reason for the push. I think I realised that ignoring someone for 8 months was an overreaction and that she really did deserve an apology.

 

Ive backed off now with the sorrys and attempts to convince and reason to her and it seems to have no effect, she doesnt respond to it. Going to try non contact for now and the balls in her court.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Ignore her. It's a power game to her, or maybe she just doesnt want a relationship and she freaked out. So just continue to ignore her for your own sanity.

[mirage01]

One, she sent mixed messages in order to throw you breadcrumbs and keep you hanging.

Two, she succeeded, and now she's bouncing you around like one of those dumb toys on a spring...

 

Three, never go back, you can never go back. It never works, not like the first time. You can't reverse time, and you can't recreate a shattered vase into a new one.

Not even as good as new.

 

You sure got suckered back in dincha...?

 

Fancy a long walk?

I'd leave now, if I were you, before it starts to rain....

 

 

Maybe your right but I find it hard to believe a genuine friend for a number of years would resort to that or contact me 5 times asking to be friends again if it wasnt genuine. Shes the type that has guys always chasing her and no one has ever brushed her aside like I did so it would be very offence to her so Im hoping the bitterness slowly vanishes, Im just wondering is that usually happens or if a bitter angry women thats been ignored never forgives.

[mirage01]

Ignore her. It's a power game to her, or maybe she just doesnt want a relationship and she freaked out. So just continue to ignore her for your own sanity.

 

I want to rebuild the friendship though..

[Chrome Barracuda]

I want to rebuild the friendship though..

 

FRIENDSHIP?!?!

 

Aint no F-ing friendship? is this really all worth your piece of mind to be toyed with and jerked around? She's playing games and you want to establish a friendship for what!?!?!?

 

That's the most dumbest, lamest piece of crap excuse ive ever heard in my life. be a doormat and good luck to you!

[stillafool]

One, she sent mixed messages in order to throw you breadcrumbs and keep you hanging.

Two, she succeeded, and now she's bouncing you around like one of those dumb toys on a spring...

 

Three, never go back, you can never go back. It never works, not like the first time. You can't reverse time, and you can't recreate a shattered vase into a new one.

Not even as good as new.

 

You sure got suckered back in dincha...?

 

Fancy a long walk?

I'd leave now, if I were you, before it starts to rain....

 

 

Ditto! Move on.

[stillafool]

I want to rebuild the friendship though..

 

 

I think you want more than friendship with this girl. Move on or you will not like the way you will be treated.

[TaraMaiden]

Then excuse the up-front 'inyourfacedness', but what the phukk do you want us to say??

 

You ended your post with this question:

 

Wondering what the general consensus is on ignoring and what tactics i should apply and what the chances are of patching things up. Thanks!

You've had plenty of responses telling you to run, clear out, forget it, abandon all hope and drop it.

 

You never gave any hint in your original post that you wanted to rebuild the friendship.

And even so, we told you, Baaad idea....

 

Yet here you are, insisting black is white, and you want to make a go of it.

we're all speaking from the relatively secure position of 'past experience'.

We've tried to tell you, in more ways than one, that this is not going to work, you cannot turn the clock back, and it wouldn't matter how long you have known her, people do the weirdest things.

Ask anyone who's been in a 10-year marriage how they would explain their partner's or ex's behaviour, after all this time.... "I thought I knew them, but it seems I was wrong...."

 

Look, do what you want.

Give it a go.

Friendship after sex, never works, unless you are completely detached and indifferent to the relationship part. Seeing her in the arms of another guy, kissing him, loving him and being with him, should leave you happy for her but indifferent to 'you two'.

The 'feelings and bond' you once had, no longer exist. They're history. There is nothing there of that any more, and you cannot undo what has been done.

 

What's your agenda here?

to make it all look good and cosy, and fun and right as rain?

 

Not going to happen.

Ok, go.

Find out for yourself.

And predictably, you'll post about what a bad idea it was to try to maintain a friendship and how us guys were right....

God, it's happened so often, I weep at the thought......

[Chrome Barracuda]

Friendship??? I cant believe this MF-er said friendship

 

*mindless ramble continues...

[Phateless]

Well the full story is that it we were involved but it was a no strings deal, although both of us expressed feelings , and she just got out of a long term relationship so that was not an option, and I basically got too clingy and made her feel stuck in a committment so that was her reason for the push. I think I realised that ignoring someone for 8 months was an overreaction and that she really did deserve an apology.

 

Ive backed off now with the sorrys and attempts to convince and reason to her and it seems to have no effect, she doesnt respond to it. Going to try non contact for now and the balls in her court.

 

You are showing all the classic signs of low self esteem and low value behavior. You need to ADDING VALUE when hanging out with her, not taking it. Make sense?

 

You got clingy again by apologizing too much and begging for her forgiveness.

 

If you try again when you meet her, DON'T talk about the past or tell her things are different. SHOW her by the way you behave.

 

Honestly, I think this one is toast. Move on and meet another girl.

[Phateless]

Ignore her. It's a power game to her, or maybe she just doesnt want a relationship and she freaked out. So just continue to ignore her for your own sanity.

 

Yup. Give it time.

 

I want to rebuild the friendship though..

 

Eventually you can, by inviting her to group stuff. Are you sure you were ever really friends at all? Maybe one of you always wanted a relationship and was waiting for an opportunity. You aren't friends and maybe you never were.

 

It's hard to accept but it might be the truth.

[carhill]

Never ignore a woman who demonstrates her high value and respect for you in her behavior, actions and words.

 

So, how's the dating going? New potentials abound. Hope you meet one of those high value ladies. When you do, you'll understand the dynamic of this current situation with complete clarity. Good luck