Agent Thomas Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 (edited) And it's driving me insane. This girl is like me, she wants to save everyone. Well, now her friends have become needy and dependent on her. She is like their support system. It's getting worse, too, because most of them have no one else. She picks people who need the most help, and they become really dependent and are ripping her apart because they all demand her time like a bunch of children. We spend a good amount of time together but all her friends whine and moan about how she's blowing them off and stuff, because she doesn't see them everyday anymore. I'm helping her to push them all away, which I truly believe is best for her. What do you all recommend? And breaking up with her isn't an option. For the first time in a while, I really give a damn about this relationship. Never have I given her an ultimatum of "it's them or me" but she has countless times said she would rather lose them all than me. (I never threatened to break up with her or never insinuated even the possibility that she might lose me. She said this on her own) Let my clarify why this topic exists. I want to know how I can help separate these people from her. She is too kind and wants to save everyone (like, as i mentioned earlier, I used to be like) but the fact is, people need to save themselves. The stress these people are causing is so thick that it can almost be physically felt. She cries and sits in the dark because of the demands these people place on her. How can I drive a wall between these unrealistic needy people, and her? Edited April 13, 2010 by Agent Thomas
VertexSquared Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 It sounds like your girlfriend just needs to set some boundaries. She can't devote her life to picking up the slack of others. She can be a good friend to others by helping out/giving advice/etc, but allowing her own life to be run by the demands of others is clearly cutting into her own needs. I can't imagine why her friends would be genuinely upset at her setting such boundaries. If they're getting legitimately angry that she wants to be able to live her own life as well, then it sounds like the friends are selfish and unwilling to help themselves and should likely be distanced from in some way. Otherwise I am sure they'd understand and be willing to accept a less direct form of assistance.
Author Agent Thomas Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 Very good reply vertex thank you. I couldn't agree more. Frankly, it is my legitimate opinion that if she tried to set boundaries, these people would flip. Their logic is all but completely absent, and they are basically black holes that will gladly feed on any energy she allocates them. These people are nuts, too. One is a girl who wants to be with her, and tries to make her jealous and all kinds of other mentally abusive actions. Frankly I wish I were able to hit a woman legally, because if I got the opportunity, I'd smash that girls head against the wall for what she puts my gf through just because my gf is too nice to tell her to go the hell away. Yesterday though we took a big step forward, as she told everyone of her friends that she was busy (for once) and that she'd just talk to them tomorrow. Some of them kept persisting and trying to talk though, which made me want to bash my own head against a wall.
123BeachFan Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Thomas, This is the same GF with the ex who pops back into her life and threatens suicide? And she's entangled in his mess? Sounds like she's got boundary and codependent issues. You can't step in and fix her problems. You either get in a relationship with a girl who's healthy enough for a relationship, and has the qualities you admire. Or you move on. But you can't laundry list the things you'd like to change about your new GF and then set about to make those changes.
Author Agent Thomas Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 (edited) Thomas, This is the same GF with the ex who pops back into her life and threatens suicide? And she's entangled in his mess? Sounds like she's got boundary and codependent issues. You can't step in and fix her problems. You either get in a relationship with a girl who's healthy enough for a relationship, and has the qualities you admire. Or you move on. But you can't laundry list the things you'd like to change about your new GF and then set about to make those changes. Well she deserves credit because she has told her ex to back off/its over/she loves me. He hasn't really talked to her at all since. And she never ever initiates contact. If I had to make a laundry list of her positives vs negatives, her positives would be longer than Santas naughty or nice list. She has like 2 negatives, and they aren't even really her fault. Her only fault is caring too much about other peoples feelings. I appreciate your point of view though and based on what I have said, I would probably say the same thing if I were you. It seems like there may be a fair amount of issues between her and me because I don't list all the good things about us. Mostly because no one really wants to read someone talk about all the good things about their partner, as that comes off as bragging. But believe me, if I had to list all the good things about her, this topic would instantly die because no one would be willing to read through even a quarter of it. Edited April 13, 2010 by Agent Thomas
123BeachFan Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Thomas, Don't go into a relationship as seeing her as a Fixer Upper. Accept that you are not going to change her friends (or the way she handles her friends). It sounds like she's got some great attributes that keeps you in her life, right?
ADF Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 All healthy relationships are grounded in reciprocity. You do for your friends, and they in turn do for you. The trouble with having such needy friends is that reciprocity ends and it becomes a one way street. One person needs, needs, needs and the other gives, gives, gives. In time, this will wear anyone down. Your GF needs to understand that as much as she wants to help, she can only do so much. Her friends shouldn't dragoon her into becoming a therapist. If they have problems so profound they need constant attention, they need professional help. She should tell them so.
marsle85 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I'm helping her to push them all away, which I truly believe is best for her. What do you all recommend? Let my clarify why this topic exists. I want to know how I can help separate these people from her. She is too kind and wants to save everyone (like, as i mentioned earlier, I used to be like) but the fact is, people need to save themselves. The stress these people are causing is so thick that it can almost be physically felt. She cries and sits in the dark because of the demands these people place on her. How can I drive a wall between these unrealistic needy people, and her? Your girlfriend cries and sits in the dark because of her friends' demands? As a girl with two very close friends, if one of them stopped hanging out with me HALF the time she usually does because she had a boyfriend, I'd be really upset. Guys come and go. I've known these girls forever, have helped them through thick and thin and I'm positive we'll be friends 20 years from now. I'm not saying I think it's realistic to expect my friend to hang out with me the same amount, afterall- she's only human and I want her to enjoy her boyfriend and having another positive influence in her life. But I matter. I should be there. And I shouldn't be sidetracked because of a guy who just popped in the picture. For example, I go out with my friends (bars, parties) with my friends all the time. I'm not expecting them to go home with guys or get crazy- but just because our destination is one with alcohol and other men, she should want to still come. Attraction and fun does not end with a boyfriend. The world does not surround your boyfriend. Personally, if a guy wants to date me- he has to earn my time. My friends have earned my time. They love me, respect me, and want to be with me regardless of whether I have makeup on. I can cry my eyes out without looking pathetic, and can call them 393947 times day. I want a guy in my life, but I already have intimate platonic relationships. I will never cancel plans with my friends to see a guy. Anyway- my point is. Your girlfriend NEEDS these people in her life. It's not healthy for either of you not to incorporate friends (needy or not) in their lives. The fact is, she's an adult. She doesn't need you to push away anyone. You aren't her parent, you don't get to decide who is good for her or not. You can have friendly imput, but in no way should you be trying to come up with a strategy to eliminate them. You like the girl- and before you met her, she had these friends. She likes to "save" people- well, you liked her for it. Let her do what she likes. Have faith that when she feels like she's being pulled in too many directions, she'll find the strength to sever the appropriate ties, or change the context of the relationship. As a boyfriend, you serve to support her. This isn't your decision. Tell her what you feel, but stress that her decision is her own. You never want to be the cause of resentment between friends.
CLC2008 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 You should provide some instances/examples so that we can better assist her. I think most good people in general want to nurture and support thier friends too, but it has to go both ways otherwise the friendship tumbles like a house of cards.
Author Agent Thomas Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 All healthy relationships are grounded in reciprocity. You do for your friends, and they in turn do for you. The trouble with having such needy friends is that reciprocity ends and it becomes a one way street. One person needs, needs, needs and the other gives, gives, gives. In time, this will wear anyone down. Your GF needs to understand that as much as she wants to help, she can only do so much. Her friends shouldn't dragoon her into becoming a therapist. If they have problems so profound they need constant attention, they need professional help. She should tell them so. I really appreciate this, as I feel you see it from my point of view. Thank you, I will pass this along to her. As for some examples... the 2 main ones that drive me insane: 1st girls name is Brittany. She is an overdramatic, sympathy seeking heavier set girl who thinks everyone hates her, her parents never loved her, and she proclaims she has "no self confidence at all." She is VERY embarrassing in public. And she is very demanding and controlling. She told my gf Amy that she was coming over Sunday (which is when Amy and me had plans) and when Amy tried to get out of it, she had none of it. So I compromised with Amy and Britt and Amy hung out for an hour or two, then I came over n went to church with Amy (and britt invited herself and even into my car). Well, the whole time, Britt gets Amy's phone (because britt has no phone of her own) and texts me and tries to say things like "how bout you and amy hang out a different day, I want to hang out with her tonight" I just didn't reply, and later told amy about how rude and just plain unintelligent this behavior of hers is. Later that night, she became over dramatic, demanded attention, then when she finally left so that Amy and me could go back to my house, she says "I'm gonna send you an IM to your phone as soon as I get home and you better reply" God I wanted to smash this girls head off a wall til she smelled the color purple and went blind. This girl pissed me off and still today I am pissed and I hope I never see this girl again. And believe me, I am very honest and I tell it like it is, due to honesty being the best policy, so I made it very clear to Amy about how this girl is a cretin basically. Next up is her cousin Sam. Sam is a guy who dropped out of high school due to being made fun of. He literally has no friends (please keep in mind I am not bashing him, ONLY stating his facts), no job, and neither Amy nor me know if he is going to even further his education. This kid plays video games all day, and before I came along, he would have Amy come over everyday and play video games too. Well once her and me started getting close and such, he just basically whined about how she won't fit him into her schedule now (even though she still sees him like 4 times a week for ****s sake) and this and that, basically laying a guilt trip on her. He is so demanding and needy because he has no friends, and I made this clear to her too. It pisses me off, these people. For God's sake, they don't wanna improve their lives, they just wanna take down other people with them.:mad::eek:
Twenty-ten Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 My gf has really needy friends And it's driving me insane. This girl is like me, she wants to save everyone. Well, now her friends have become needy and dependent on her. She is like their support system. Your girlfriend has control issues, and SHE has created this dependency from her friends because she likes to be in control "fixing" others. It creates a sense of purpose for her and it lifts her self-esteem to "help" others. She sounds like she suffers from low self-esteem. People who insist on fixing others to the point where others stop fending for themselves and become needy on them and usurp all their time, are in fact suffering from low self esteem. She needs to find another way to make herself feel better or to control whatever aspect of her life she is not fully in control of. This need to "help" others is a projection of something she is neglecting in her own personal life. She needs to assert herself and detach from their needs by creating solid boundaries. It is not the friends that are at fault, it is your girlfriend.
Author Agent Thomas Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 (edited) Ah twenty-ten, that struck me as quite an intelligent perspective. Sounds like you are well versed in psych. I too am going for my PhD in it I unfortunately have to agree with most of what you said. It's true she suffers from very low self esteem, but that is also what causes her to be able to be taken advantage of. So you are right and wrong there. But overall, I agree with a lot of your post... except for the part where you said her friends aren't at fault. They are at fault too. Her and them are both at fault. Let's compromise on this Edited April 13, 2010 by Agent Thomas
Twenty-ten Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Interesting that you are doing a PhD. I am not well versed in psych academically speaking though I did have to study aspects of it for my career it was nowhere near the level of what you are studying. I have just read a lot and have done volunteer work so I had to learn about social behaviors and patterns that way. The reason I say her friends are not at fault, and I do say that loosely, is because this is not an issue of "fault" but rather a creation of a pattern where your girlfriend is the one creating the outcome. People who fix others, create a relationship where by they ensure the person they are fixing will fully depend on them, they don't just offer advice or support they have a need to feel in control of the other person's actions. For example if your gf's friends did not follow her advice she would become very upset and like she is losing control of the situation. She needs them to rely on HER actions in order to make their next moves. That is how you know you are dealing with a person that creates these patterns. Her inability to set boundaries and to let her friends proceed on their own will, is what keeps her in control and feeling "needed" because it just feels good to "help" but she is creating a habitual dependence on their parts. Your g/f may even expect to get the same level of reciprocation from her friends when she is in need, and inevitably they will not pull through. She creates the job of "fixer" for herself not of friend.
Author Agent Thomas Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 Very interesting indeed. I can't say there is not merit to that viewpoint, but that is also not the sole explanation of such behaviors. Although it is one of the valid ones. I think I am guilty of some of what you mentioned, too. Lol greaaaaat:o Oh well. She can be controlling. Jealous and such. But afterall, don't we all get that way sometimes? I know I do
Twenty-ten Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Well we are talking about extremes right? Patterns. If someone has a helpful demeanor it is one thing but when someone consistently attracts "helpless" individuals and allows other's problems to overcome their own lives to a point where it interferes with their own happiness, it is considered a pattern of destruction. Of course we all do this at one point or another, it is when it happens often and the lack of boundaries that are set with others that it becomes a problem.
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