Depression, attention deficit disorder, anxiety and unaware partners-

[angie2443]

I was wondering how often issues such as these effected marriages/long term partnerships and one or both of the partners were unaware of problem.

 

I recently realized my husband has one of these problems. He hasn't been diagnosed yet, but he has an appoitment and I will be shocked if they say he has nothing.

 

I have the same problem as he does, by the way. I've been off of medication for years because I've been pregnant and/or nursing and was worried about hurting the babies. In a sense, I've been a fog just as he still is and didn't see how we were both creating our problems, often out of nothing.

 

I'm just looking for others who have been through this or are going through this.

 

Sorry for not going into more detail. I'm still trying to process this and it's hard because it's affecting so much in my life right now.

[angie2443]

Bump. Just in case there's someone out there who can relate.

[SoleMate]

Oh yes, I sure can! To all 3. Yes, they all have a big effect on relationships. I can say more tonight...are you looking for tips or a place to vent or what...??

[angie2443]

Oh yes, I sure can! To all 3. Yes, they all have a big effect on relationships. I can say more tonight...are you looking for tips or a place to vent or what...??

 

Thanks for the reply SoleMate! I'm looking for both I guess. My husband will see a doctor in about a month and I feel like things are going to explode when this happens. I'm trying to wrap my mind around things now so I can be prepared.

[You Go Girl]

Why will things explode? if anything, it should be the opposite. The doctor will calm his anxiety about being 'flawed' and tell him to not feel shamed by it all, and then it will take some time, usually a month, for the drugs to kick in.

The exploding is what you are experiencing now, don't you think, with his mood swings or whatever he has?

[angie2443]

Why will things explode? if anything, it should be the opposite. The doctor will calm his anxiety about being 'flawed' and tell him to not feel shamed by it all, and then it will take some time, usually a month, for the drugs to kick in.

The exploding is what you are experiencing now, don't you think, with his mood swings or whatever he has?

 

This is true. At the same time, my husband takes things to the extremes. He has a very overflated sense of himself and I worry about what will happen if (when?) a professional shows that he is not so perfect. I feel like I'm getting ready to launch some attack on him by talking to the doctor and by talking to his mother about his symptoms. I'm not, but I feel that he percieves it that way.

 

As far as medication, I don't know if he is open to that. If the doctor tells him that he has to, he might because he does respect authority figures.

He would be on a stimulant if he did take medication and this (if it worked) would work the first day he took it.

[elizabeth26]

No one likes to hear that they have flaws but a lot of people do. is he feeling anxious? what gives you the impression that things will become worse? I just wonder, I had the same thing happen growing up. My parents are both on medication for depression.

[angie2443]

No one likes to hear that they have flaws but a lot of people do. is he feeling anxious? what gives you the impression that things will become worse? I just wonder, I had the same thing happen growing up. My parents are both on medication for depression.

 

 

My Husband doesn't see himself as having any flaws except maybe very minor ones. He used to make fun of me for some of my ADD related issues (years ago) and I think the idea that he might have it will rip apart his self esteem. I don't know how that will be if/when that happens and I don't know how I will handle it.

[ADF]

These are all terrible, terrible problems. Not because they cannot be managed--they usually can. But because no one who has not experienced them directly really, truly believes they are "real." Try as they might, they cannot shake the notion that the depressed or anxious person can just "snap out of it." God help anyone who has an illness that manifests as behavior rather than injury.

[seren]

It is difficult to comment without knowing if your husband has always had depression, mood swings, over inflated sense of self. I ask because I worked for many years with people who had mental ill health. Treatment and how to manage the patient depends on whether someone has clinical, reactive or a mental health disorder. My sister in law has bipolar, took ages for her to accept as she couldn't see it and the highs were so much better than the crashing lows, it can also result in someone having grandiose and as you describe it, an over inflated sense of self (good description BTW).

 

I don't know where you live, but there will be support groups for carers of people with mental health problems and they can be a huge support - there are also helplines if you prefer anonimity and not for H to know. Does H accept that he needs help? If so, perhaps you and he (or someone he trusts not to judge) can look at possible outcomes and what he will need to work through issues.

 

Some people see mental ill health as a personal failing which means they don't want to address that they may have a problem. Hopefully his Dr can reassure him, possibly by looking at chemical imbalance as a way of explanation - it helps to reduce stigma for the person and can mean a better acceptance if treatment is needed.

Take care of yourself too.

Seren

Edited April 22, 2010 by seren
BTW, why is it taking a month for him to see a Dr?

[angie2443]

It is difficult to comment without knowing if your husband has always had depression, mood swings, over inflated sense of self.

 

 

I should have just stated in my first that my husband has attention deficit disorder. I just didn't feel confortable saying that at the time. I talked with his mother about this just recently. She pretty much backed up all my suspicions. I was stunned to see how much of this runs through his familly. My husband's appoitment is comming soon and I think he'll take stimulants if the doc tells him it will help.

[seren]

Hi Angie,

Thanks for clarifying, and I am sorry you are both going through this. I am assuming you have read all the literature, online information relating to Adult ADD. Surprised at the overinflated sense of self as AADD usually bring feelings of low self esteem, but of course everyone is different. It must be difficult trying to discuss it with H as I am also assuming he finds concentration difficult and has a pretty chaotic way of looking at things.

 

I would be surprised if medication were offered straight off, unless it is very out of control, the usual approach would be to look at developing coping strategies, changing chaotic behaviour. Again, don't want to assume too much, other than I am sure you will have researched all this yourself. I would also assume that it must be like living in the eye of a storm and waiting for it to break, I hope you are able to find a quiet, ordered place for you to get some space from it all. IME, once the initial discussions have taken place and acceptance of the situation has taken place, the first few weeks can be very stressful with much searching, talking and possible anger taking place - not against you, but at themselves. It is important that you are able to work together, but equally a good therapist (I am not usually a fan of therapy per se) can share the load.

 

As an aside, my son was diagnosed with ADD when he was younger (he is now 26) I was advised to give him Ritalin, but refused and instead made sure he was able to vent his frustrations at the constant busy, busy feelings through exercise, making lots of noise and then gentle massage, swimming and ensuring he was able to find calm and peace also. It was very difficult, but he now manages chaotic times by being organised, developing time management skills and exercise. It might be something to discuss as part of a treatment programme as taking charge will help the feeling that everything is out of control.

 

I so hope it all goes well for you both.

Seren