When actions contradict words... but not the usual way?

[Els]

Firstly, I'd like to thank those of you who gave your support during my bf's 'depressive' episodes. He seems to be a little better now, especially after he managed to get a few weekends to himself instead of having to be on call.

 

Basically, when I initiate talks about our relationship, the issue is that he says a lot of things (or doesn't say some things...) which end up making me insecure about the relationship. It's a vicious cycle, really - he mentions his doubts, I react (and overreact sometimes) and keep pestering him about it for days and weeks because I can't seem to leave things unfixed and in a less-than-perfect state, even though there's really nothing much that can be done or decided til I go to him in person, in a few months' time. This makes him miserable (and depressed), and the next time, he has more doubts (and is more depressed). He says that I asked, and he can only give an honest answer - which is true.

 

Despite all this, though, his actions are mostly showing that he still loves me, still cares. He wakes up in the middle of sleep to call me to make sure I'm up for an exam. He stayed up til 5am to wait for me when he knew I'd be having a conversation with my parents that would end in tears. He just sent me a surprise gift simply because it's the last time he can send me one before I go to him, even though he had to make a pretty long trip to the city to buy it, even though he's exceedingly thrifty with his own expenditure due to our currency being much smaller than the currency of the country he's in, to the point of never eating out because it's cheaper to cook, just to save a few bucks. He spends time scouting for possible accommodation for me when I get there, spends quite a lot of time talking to me even though he's working 12-hour days. And this is all now - I've not even gotten into the bigger things he's done before.

 

I swear, I always thought guys TALKED sweetly but sometimes their actions don't match up - this is the first guy I've seen to say doubtful things about our relationship, but to do so much regardless.

Edited April 13, 2010 by Elswyth

[Deeblondie82]

Firstly, I'd like to thank those of you who gave your support during my bf's 'depressive' episodes. He seems to be a little better now, especially after he managed to get a few weekends to himself instead of having to be on call.

 

Basically, when I initiate talks about our relationship, the issue is that he says a lot of things (or doesn't say some things...) which end up making me insecure about the relationship. It's a vicious cycle, really - he mentions his doubts, I react (and overreact sometimes) and keep pestering him about it for days and weeks because I can't seem to leave things unfixed and in a less-than-perfect state, even though there's really nothing much that can be done or decided til I go to him in person, in a few months' time. This makes him miserable (and depressed), and the next time, he has more doubts (and is more depressed). He says that I asked, and he can only give an honest answer - which is true.

 

Despite all this, though, his actions are mostly showing that he still loves me, still cares. He wakes up in the middle of sleep to call me to make sure I'm up for an exam. He stayed up til 5am to wait for me when he knew I'd be having a conversation with my parents that would end in tears. He just sent me a surprise gift simply because it's the last time he can send me one before I go to him, even though he had to make a pretty long trip to the city to buy it, even though he's exceedingly thrifty with his own expenditure due to our currency being much smaller than the currency of the country he's in, to the point of never eating out because it's cheaper to cook, just to save a few bucks. He spends time scouting for possible accommodation for me when I get there, spends quite a lot of time talking to me even though he's working 12-hour days. And this is all now - I've not even gotten into the bigger things he's done before.

 

I swear, I always thought guys TALKED sweetly but sometimes their actions don't match up - this is the first guy I've seen to say doubtful things about our relationship, but to do so much regardless.

 

I've been sorta been going thru the same thing. Only that He stoped being his sweet self and now we dont talk as much as we use to. It makes me sad but I know he has alot of stress going on and his family isnt helping with their nagging. And I know he cares alot for me but right now his mood is preventing him from showing it. And it bothers me alot... then I get needy cuz his loving attention he was giving to me before is now not around!

 

Anyways thats good that he is still there for you and is being sweet in some ways, that does prove he cares for you maybe he just needs time to get over whatever he is depressed about. In due time..

[Els]

I was browsing through some old threads, and I came across these by Shadowplay. It's scary, when I compare them to my relationship, and how similar I might be acting.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137866/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t140084/

 

The problem is, I don't know how to break the vicious cycle between my insecurities and the doubts he is having because of them, which causes him to say stuff in his misery that makes me even more insecure.

[Deeblondie82]

Im just at a point where its starting to take a toll on me. He use to be sooo loving and sweet and send me random text and now with the stress of living with his parents for now and work and money, and now a LDR he's different... its just weird!!! I just told him what I felt last night... and he just couldnt get out of this mood.. I just dont wanna loose him.

[thisismystory]

I was browsing through some old threads, and I came across these by Shadowplay. It's scary, when I compare them to my relationship, and how similar I might be acting.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137866/

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t140084/

 

The problem is, I don't know how to break the vicious cycle between my insecurities and the doubts he is having because of them, which causes him to say stuff in his misery that makes me even more insecure.

 

I read through the posts and it seems that the OP's in a close distance relationship...so it might be a bit different. LDR or close distance, I have these cycles of ups and downs too. I used to blame it on PMS (it probably makes me feel better to blame it on something I can't control). I would overanalyze things...even though everything seemed fine and dandy to him.

 

I tried to accept the fact that that's how guys are. I have talked to my SO about it and he says he's just bad at expressing his feelings. Even though I convince myself I won't ask for reassurance anymore...I'd go into "psycho" mode once in awhile and it creates tension between us. And in retrospect, I feel like I do not give him enough credit than he deserves. Maybe he is trying his best and he doesn't understand why I'm so upset.

 

 

I'm still learning how to control these feelings. I started distracting myself with old hobbies. I subscribed to some new magazines and started spending my free time reading them instead of thinking about the relationship. I started watching TV. Whenever I feel stressed, I eat chocolate. I wait for him to contact me first...and I keep the conversations light-hearted. There has been so much tension lately, I feel like it is not the time to bring up my insecurities. Maybe it'll eventually go away. If it doesn't, I think I'll be more calm to talk to him about it after I re-focus a bit on myself.

 

I'm not sure if I made sense or helped (I haven't read your last post) but I hope everything works out. In a sense, I clear my mind writing this too.

 

I also think you're very lucky that your guy does all these sweet things for you. =]

[mammax3]

Insecurities can create a vicious cycle. I think a lot of people go through this cycle - not just you and SP and the other posters here.

 

I'm learning that individuals are responsible for their own emotional health and balance - reassurance that you're still loved and desired by your partner is important, but it's not the core of the security in the relationship. That security has to come from within you, or else you'll always be at the mercy of another person to have your needs filled, which really isn't fair to you or to your partner. Only you know what you need and are capable of fulfilling them.

 

How does that translate into actual living? I think it will depend on your (or mine, or someone else) best way of getting needs met. Sometimes I think it's good to ease up on focussing on the relationship and initiating conversations about it all the time, and just allowing the relationship to 'be'. Keeping it light helps because it gives a couple an opportunity to reconnect as people instead of a push/pull about getting needs met, and allows rapport building and reestablishing trust and interest. It might also be beneficial to journal about when you're feeling anxious or insecure and what's going on in your life at that moment to detect a pattern of behaviour.

 

Speaking to the specifics of your OP, Elswyth, his depression, doubts and actions are all his own business. It's hard not to react (or overreact) but people don't generally share personal and tough emotions to get a reaction, so it's not really about you - KWIM? Being able to offer support and make it less about how you process his emotions and more about how he feels in the moment may help take some of the pressure off you and the relationship.

 

FWIW, I think it's terrific you have a relationship where you can both be so honest with each other.

[Deeblondie82]

Insecurities can create a vicious cycle. I think a lot of people go through this cycle - not just you and SP and the other posters here.

 

I'm learning that individuals are responsible for their own emotional health and balance - reassurance that you're still loved and desired by your partner is important, but it's not the core of the security in the relationship. That security has to come from within you, or else you'll always be at the mercy of another person to have your needs filled, which really isn't fair to you or to your partner. Only you know what you need and are capable of fulfilling them.

 

How does that translate into actual living? I think it will depend on your (or mine, or someone else) best way of getting needs met. Sometimes I think it's good to ease up on focussing on the relationship and initiating conversations about it all the time, and just allowing the relationship to 'be'. Keeping it light helps because it gives a couple an opportunity to reconnect as people instead of a push/pull about getting needs met, and allows rapport building and reestablishing trust and interest. It might also be beneficial to journal about when you're feeling anxious or insecure and what's going on in your life at that moment to detect a pattern of behaviour.

 

Speaking to the specifics of your OP, Elswyth, his depression, doubts and actions are all his own business. It's hard not to react (or overreact) but people don't generally share personal and tough emotions to get a reaction, so it's not really about you - KWIM? Being able to offer support and make it less about how you process his emotions and more about how he feels in the moment may help take some of the pressure off you and the relationship.

 

FWIW, I think it's terrific you have a relationship where you can both be so honest with each other.

 

I really agree with what u said! Good post

[Els]

Thanks for the advice, guys.

 

I am doing my best to keep from replaying the things he said about his doubts over and over in my head - and I honestly think I would be doing a far better job if the context of our relationship had been light and easy-going in the first place. But it isn't. The sheer amount of arrangements both of us have to make to get me there to even give us a chance to work at all this (and yes, I truly think we've come to a point where we have to meet IRL to move on from this valley of doubts, there's no going around that) just gets to me sometimes, and then I start wondering, for what? And then I start getting all insecure again, picking on the tiniest of things, to make me feel that all the work and agonizing and hoping is worth something. He's currently in an extremely bad state with regards to his health and work as well, so he's in no position to hold me up through this. And to be fair to him, we hashed out my insecurities about his doubts time and time again, so many times that it's beginning to wear on him, and I can definitely understand why. And when it wears on him, he mentions more doubts that spark the cycle again...

Edited April 14, 2010 by Elswyth