Gemmi Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Hi everyone, I'm here looking for some advice as I think my close friends have just about had it with me, i'll try to keep it simple. I'm 30 and up until Sept I was in a relationship with a man who is 45 for 6 years, we are both in very proffessional jobs and both independant people. From the start I fell head ove heels in love with him but in 6 years we did not live tohether (his choice) talk of marriage etc, throughout the relationship he was jealous, controlling and very insecure, stating to me that he would never trust me as you cant trust anyone. To clarify I never ever cheated on him nor was I ever interested in anyone else, but over the years I rarely saw friends, changed how I dressed and NEVER socialized with people from work, he still remained the same but it seemed our relationship was going no where as he stated he loved me but but had no intention of settling down. After long consideration and heartache I decided to end the relationship as I couldnt take the jealousy along with the no commitment factor, I just didnt understand it! He made no attempt to argue about this and made me feel the last 6 years was a fake. Everyday was a struggle and no longer being controlled was hard to cope with (strange I know) I started going out all the time, doing the usual drinking to much etc but still missed him all the time, anyway it came to light that he had been watching me, driving up my road in the early hours and seeing who was at my house! In the meantime I became quite good friends with a man at work who was there for me through the split. On Xmas night this other man came over to see me as I was so down he ended up staying over, yes in my bed but I know this sounds stupid but nothing happened, he just listened to me etc, anyway when we left for work early hours on Boxing day my ex was waiting outside the house, accused me of having a long blown affair with this guy (we had now been over 3 months) it all kicked off and my job became involved it was a total mess, I also ended my friendship with this other guy. On Jan the 18th, I spoke to my ex on the phone and although we were both upset, we still loved eachother and decided to give it another go, but he throws this other guy in my face at every opportunity and constantly checks up on me with my phone etc, he feels I cheated even though we were over when I was friends with this other guy, we love eachother so much and now he is offering marriage the lot but says he will never tust me and will always feel the need to check up on me, Please help, any advice will be truly appreciated, has it gone to far? Councelling didn't help, he said he cant get over what happened ehen we split up but loves me and want us???!!! Am I clinging onto something that wont ever last?
ADF Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 This man needs to understand he cannot have it both ways. You are not in your 20s anymore. He cannot expect you to stay with him AND not ask him to commit. Any successful relationship requires a meeting of the minds about what the terms of the realtionhip are goingt to be. You want a commitment. He doesn't want to settle down. You are just not compatible. Worse, he sounds like a jealous control freak with no respect for you. You need to end it and not have any contact with him again.
Author Gemmi Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 I know your right, and when we did split I managed to gain some self comfidence back and realised how bad he was when one time I went to the supermarket and thought OMG I have forgotten my phone, then thought hang on, it doesn't matter were not together anymore, he cant freak out and accuse me of cheating! But then we got back together and I know I change to a weak person, but my love for him never died it was my tollerance....which I could just get a grip Thank you for replying
eraser Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 He doesn't love you. He loves controlling you. Why would you consider being with someone who isolates you, controls every aspect of your person (including how you dress and who your friends are) and who openly admits that he will never trust you? You were in this type of relationship not only once, but now twice. He obviously has issues, but honestly, so do you. You both need to let go of this relationship. It is very toxic.
Author Gemmi Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 I know I do, I suppose i'm just dreading the whole break up empty feeling, stupid I know but I just need to kick myself up the ass and get a grip of reality:confused:
dazzle22 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Ever seen Sleeping with the Enemy'. ? There is your motivator to leave..
eraser Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I know I do, I suppose i'm just dreading the whole break up empty feeling, stupid I know but I just need to kick myself up the ass and get a grip of reality:confused: Hey, I know how that is. I was involved with one of these types once. But you need to do it. It just has to happen. It never gets better in these types of relationships, regardless of how much you love him or how much he thinks he loves you.
Author Gemmi Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 How did you find the courage to break away from it all? I take it you have no regrets?
Fouts Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Wow, what a terrible other half in a relationship. He sounds like he's a stalker who's capable of crossing the line. If you ever do break it off permanently, be careful and safe.
Author Gemmi Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Hey Fouts, Yeah he has crossed the line a few times, but insists that he will never bother me again if it really is over, i'm unsure but will keep an open mind. Thanks
eraser Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 How did you find the courage to break away from it all? I take it you have no regrets? Unfortunately, I had to reach my breaking point for me to call it off once and for all. The only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner. Once you take control and break it off, it'll be hard at first, but you will feel so relieved and free once some time has passed and you realize just how messed up the situation was.
dodear343 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 gemmi i don't what you think dear but to you are mad and you are in love with someone who have no respect for even he don't trust you how can you say he love you?? this is all wrong he is incompetent to me as he never talks about settling down baby its time to move on with some one else who is in search of a person like you and ups and downs are part of life and i know you have spent a lot of time with this mad man loving him and wanted to keep the relationship but baby its too late now and in these years you should have understood that he is not a person who will love you the way you want so my suggestion is to leave him in first instance and go find someone else
jnj express Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Hey gemmi---your acting like an immature teenager----take control of your own life. Your BF, just wants someone to control---and you are letting him. You were NOT IN ANY RELATIONSHIP when you were withthe 2nd guy. You have all the right in the world to date anyone you choose. You are not anyone's slave. If you wanna stay with this guy---make it very clear to him, you and only you decide who you see, and for what reasons. I think you need to set a boundary with your current BF, that you do not want him to bring up the other guy, ever again.---Let him know in no uncertain terms if he violates that boundary, you are out of the relationship, then and there. You get one try on this planet, in your trip thru life, make it the best, and happiest trip possible----being with this controlling guy, does not sound like it will help you to enjoy life. If you are not carefree, and happy with this guy, as you should be----then get far away from him. He is obsessive, abusing, and controlling---that makes for a miserable companion.
Author Gemmi Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Thank you all for your advice, I really am taking it on board x
Author Gemmi Posted June 3, 2010 Author Posted June 3, 2010 Unfortunately, I had to reach my breaking point for me to call it off once and for all. The only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner. Once you take control and break it off, it'll be hard at first, but you will feel so relieved and free once some time has passed and you realize just how messed up the situation was. Wow, I know its a long time on but I just want to say thank you.... I did it, I found the strength to end this crazy relationship and move on, I read my post just now and thought "gosh, that was a hell of a place I was in" I never EVER thought I would leave let alone get throught the pain etc. I just want to say to anyone in the same position.....Get out!! Jealous guys who are controlling only make you feel bad about yourself are really just lacking self-confidence in their own life! Yes I have bad days, but I am SO much happier now, thanks for all your advice and support! xx
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