Lindsey Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 So in the last two weeks my husband has snooped on my cell phone three times that I know of. He's constantly thinking I'm up to no good and that I'm running around on him. I've posted on here my feelings about wanting to leave him because of his attitude towards me and other things. This is only pushing me further away. He is accusing me of things I would never even think of doing, he's my husband, I would not cheat on him. If I was going to leave him it would not be so that I could get into another situation. All three times he's admitted to snooping, I have valid excuses that always check out. I'm not a liar, never have been, not a very good one so I stopped trying to cover myself back in high school. I always tell him the truth about everything. I'm pretty sure he's snoop on my computer before. I always put it to sleep and when you open it back up it shows the last time it was open. More than once it was not a time when I was home. He feels that I'm up to no good when ever I get on Facebook even though I've showed him all that I do on there. He can look at anything on my computer any time, most of my passwords are already set on there. I just don't understand it!
Author Lindsey Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 I'll give you a little more background on myself: I'm 28 years old, I've been with my husband 7 years, married for half of that. I had a couple serious relationships before I met my husband but never lived with anyone until my husband and I were engaged. I work 40 hours a week at the same place he does, I work out 5-6 days a week and own my own business on the side. I'm not a party gal, I don't go out with my friends a lot and if I do it's to the mall or the movies. I'm not doing anything out of the ordinary to make him think I'm up to no good. I'm actually a very good person, love my family, love my husband. He is a very jealous man, always has been.
Gemmi Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Hi, I'm in the exact same position as you although the situation has moved on slightly now, Just posted a thread about jealousy and love. Like you my BF of 6years always accused me of stuff, hated mt dress and never trusted me. I never gave him any reason not to, like you I hardly ever went out and work long hours in a demanding job...the problem is that in the end it just pushes you away and you end up feeling bitter towards them. I've tried for nearly 7 years to work it out and i'm still no further forward
You Go Girl Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Ask if there is something you could do to help him feel more secure. When you do that, instead of accusing him of being a snoop, it turns the tables to you asking if there is something good you can do to help the situation. He won't be able to react negatively with anger, because you didn't approach negatively with anger. Don't call him a snoop, don't point out that he's insecure or extremely jealous. Don't say anything that could light his argumentative side. I'd like to hear the results.
Author Lindsey Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 Hi, I'm in the exact same position as you although the situation has moved on slightly now, Just posted a thread about jealousy and love. Like you my BF of 6years always accused me of stuff, hated mt dress and never trusted me. I never gave him any reason not to, like you I hardly ever went out and work long hours in a demanding job...the problem is that in the end it just pushes you away and you end up feeling bitter towards them. I've tried for nearly 7 years to work it out and i'm still no further forward From my experience, RUN! Move on, there are better men out there. I'm married so I'm a little more stuck than you. We are starting MC next week anyway so this is something I will def bring up. H has always been overly jealous and verbally abusive. I just see this as one more way he can try to control me but it always backfires in his face.
Author Lindsey Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 Ask if there is something you could do to help him feel more secure. When you do that, instead of accusing him of being a snoop, it turns the tables to you asking if there is something good you can do to help the situation. He won't be able to react negatively with anger, because you didn't approach negatively with anger. Don't call him a snoop, don't point out that he's insecure or extremely jealous. Don't say anything that could light his argumentative side. I'd like to hear the results. You know I've asked and he cannot come up with a good answer besides that I should be home more. Even when I'm not home I never give any reason to doubt me. I drive to work with him, drive home, head to the gym, work out, run and then either run errands or head home to take care of household stuff. Last time he snooped through my phone he accused me of leaving early and staying late from my workouts to call people! I was actually in the middle of a challenge at the gym that I ended up winning because of the extra effort I put into my workouts.
ADF Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 He needs to know that his behavior is going to ruin your marriage. The snooping is bad enough--a slap in the face, really. But driving it is a fundamental lack of trust, a lack of trust which he has repeatedly been shown is groundless. He needs to recognize he has a problem and take steps to resolve it.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Is it possible he's cheated on you and his behaviour is actually a reflection of his own guilt and he's putting on all on you, thinking that since he (may have) cheated, you're capable of it too? Anyway, you have to decide if he's worth it, especially if he isn't willing to seek counselling and deal with his jealously issues.
Gemmi Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I know exactly where your coming from, it doesnt matter what you are doing, they always seem to invent some crazy story in their mind. If I take longer than usual to answer the phone its either because im talking to someone else or whatever, urm, no I was in the toilet if that's ok with you?!! You sound like a really strong perso, stronger than me Really hope the MC works out for you. All the best
confed Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I've been in the snooping side of the coin and snooping is a natural reaction to insecurity. For some reason your husband has doubts on his trust for you. And he might be doubting himself too. My only suggestion would be to make him feel special and that your heart belongs to no one but him. Make him feel secure about your relationship again and the snooping should stop as a natural response to his improved and calm mind. If you have never shown signs of infidelity or have told him stories of your past of that nature, it should be easy to make him feel safe again.
You Go Girl Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I've been in the snooping side of the coin and snooping is a natural reaction to insecurity. For some reason your husband has doubts on his trust for you. And he might be doubting himself too. My only suggestion would be to make him feel special and that your heart belongs to no one but him. Make him feel secure about your relationship again and the snooping should stop as a natural response to his improved and calm mind. If you have never shown signs of infidelity or have told him stories of your past of that nature, it should be easy to make him feel safe again. This sounds like solid advice. If you are lighthearted about his snooping--perhaps his anxiety will dim and he will realize he is being suspicious without warrant. He may just calm down about the whole thing, and grow up a little. I'd also be careful about considering him a cheater and transferring his guilt to you. It is a possibility, but if he shows no behavior that looks like cheating, then you don't want to start some vicious cycle of mistrust between both of you, with no validity on either side. In otherwords--don't become what he has!
Author Lindsey Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 I can basically rule out him cheating. He doesn't ever leave the house! And no one comes over, ever. He's embarrased to have people - even family - come over to our place. I know it sounds weird but I'm sure he's not cheating on me. I tried to handle things very nicely last night, I was in the middle of trying to get some work done at home so I could leave when he came up with his lie to find out a number (seriously, I saw right through him when he tried to tell me it was a number he missed on his phone...) he found.
You Go Girl Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I can basically rule out him cheating. He doesn't ever leave the house! And no one comes over, ever. He's embarrased to have people - even family - come over to our place. I know it sounds weird but I'm sure he's not cheating on me. I tried to handle things very nicely last night, I was in the middle of trying to get some work done at home so I could leave when he came up with his lie to find out a number (seriously, I saw right through him when he tried to tell me it was a number he missed on his phone...) he found. He doesn't leave the house...nobody ever comes over...Now we're getting somewhere. This guy has anxiety issues that go beyond checking your phone. He's insecure on a basic level. He probably needs drugs and counseling. Why embarassed? Is the place a mess? You live in a trailer and everybody you know owns a mansion? I'm saying those things in a light hearted way, because I'm thinking that embarassment is unwarranted also. Can you get to the bottom of why he is embarassed? Maybe you could help him work on how that isn't logical either, in a nice kind gentle manner that he can slowly change his thinking. If he never leaves, I assume this guy has no friends. That must crush his self-esteem, or perhaps he has none at all. I think your guy needs help. I'm not sure he can come out of his fox hole and face the world by himself. Where does he think the bombs are going to come from, anyway?
Author Lindsey Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 He doesn't leave the house...nobody ever comes over...Now we're getting somewhere. This guy has anxiety issues that go beyond checking your phone. He's insecure on a basic level. He probably needs drugs and counseling. Why embarassed? Is the place a mess? You live in a trailer and everybody you know owns a mansion? I'm saying those things in a light hearted way, because I'm thinking that embarassment is unwarranted also. Can you get to the bottom of why he is embarassed? Maybe you could help him work on how that isn't logical either, in a nice kind gentle manner that he can slowly change his thinking. If he never leaves, I assume this guy has no friends. That must crush his self-esteem, or perhaps he has none at all. I think your guy needs help. I'm not sure he can come out of his fox hole and face the world by himself. Where does he think the bombs are going to come from, anyway? He's homebody! He prefers to sit at home and watch tv. He has a few friends but very rarely goes to visit them. We do live in a trailer, it is a slight mess but nothing too bad. It's probably true that I'm doing things on my own and he's sitting at home thinking. I'm a thinker and I know how it is to sit by yourself for hours on end just THINKING! Bad things happen!
lonelyandfrustrated Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 You know I've asked and he cannot come up with a good answer besides that I should be home more. So, this is easy. Be home more! It sounds like the gym is the big problem. Can he go with you? Would you quit the gym or seriously cut down? Can you honestly say that going to the gym, or going to the movies with your friends, or chatting on Facebook, is more important than your husband?
CarrieT Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Can he go with you? Would you quit the gym or seriously cut down? Can you honestly say that going to the gym, or going to the movies with your friends, or chatting on Facebook, is more important than your husband? Wow - I respectfully disagree; exercise and separate time is very important and buying into his paranoia is not the answer.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I don't see it as 'buying into paranoia', I see it as being thoughtful toward your spouse. He obviously has issues with her being gone so much. She can do something about that. Or not, if those things actually ARE more important than her husband, or her marriage.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I used to be friends with a girl who complained a lot that her husband was snooping on her. She was fed up with it. Turned out, she later revealed, after complaining about his snooping for over a year, that she'd had an affair, and he knew it. Um, duh, yeah, he's going to snoop, and he ought to if he was going to stay with her. When I told her that, she was no longer my friend. lol. If a wife is never home with her husband, and doesn't take him out with her, I can see why he'd try to find out what she's up to. People tend to get paranoid when they don't feel loved or wanted in a marriage.
linwood Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Is it possible he's cheated on you and his behaviour is actually a reflection of his own guilt and he's putting on all on you, thinking that since he (may have) cheated, you're capable of it too? This is what came to my mind immediately. I think you should do a little snooping. If you get busted tell him you were just trying to show him what it feels like.
thisdayforward Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Ask if there is something you could do to help him feel more secure. When you do that, instead of accusing him of being a snoop, it turns the tables to you asking if there is something good you can do to help the situation. He won't be able to react negatively with anger, because you didn't approach negatively with anger. Don't call him a snoop, don't point out that he's insecure or extremely jealous. Don't say anything that could light his argumentative side. I'd like to hear the results. I really like You Go Girl's advice, and I like the advice to stay at home more if he's saying he wants that. I appreciate that separate time is important to some people, but I think separate time is less important to still other people. Also, separate time could constitute just 15 minutes a night, alone in your bedroom or kitchen or study, just reflecting on your day or meditating or something like that. I think a person can easily get separate time in small, regular doses than say a weekly girls' night out. If it is truly a source of insecurity for your man, have you considered cancelling your FB account so he would not even have to worry what you are doing on there? When you have conversations with friends and family, do you share with him the contents of the conversation? Do you share with him what is going on in your friends' lives or what you shared with your friends about your life? I wonder if the more detail he knows about what is going on in your life outside your relationship, the more secure he will feel about it. Just some thoughts....please let us know how things progress!
soserious1 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I really like You Go Girl's advice, and I like the advice to stay at home more if he's saying he wants that. I appreciate that separate time is important to some people, but I think separate time is less important to still other people. Also, separate time could constitute just 15 minutes a night, alone in your bedroom or kitchen or study, just reflecting on your day or meditating or something like that. I think a person can easily get separate time in small, regular doses than say a weekly girls' night out. If it is truly a source of insecurity for your man, have you considered cancelling your FB account so he would not even have to worry what you are doing on there? When you have conversations with friends and family, do you share with him the contents of the conversation? Do you share with him what is going on in your friends' lives or what you shared with your friends about your life? I wonder if the more detail he knows about what is going on in your life outside your relationship, the more secure he will feel about it. Just some thoughts....please let us know how things progress! yeah she should quit going to the gym, she can get plenty of exercising scrubbing the kitchen floor on her hands and knees,cancel that Facebook account by all means, how dare she want to participate in social media? She should also willingly have her email forwarded to her husband so he can screen it before she reads it and the cell phone? my god that's got to go too Why not just put her in a burka and make her wear an electronic shock collar like the one's they put on dogs? Sarcasm mode off here.. these people have a huge problem and I suspect it has a lot more to do with the insecurity & jealousy in the husband than it does with anything the OP is doing.
Author Lindsey Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Yah I have to say that I'm not stopping anything I'm doing! I see him as doing it as a control thing so I'm not going to give into him. I've asked him numerous times to go work out with me, he doesn't want to. I love to work out, that's my ME TIME! When I say I go out with my friends, it's not every week but once a month or once every other month. My husband is important to me but so am I!
Author Lindsey Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 I used to be friends with a girl who complained a lot that her husband was snooping on her. She was fed up with it. Turned out, she later revealed, after complaining about his snooping for over a year, that she'd had an affair, and he knew it. Um, duh, yeah, he's going to snoop, and he ought to if he was going to stay with her. When I told her that, she was no longer my friend. lol. If a wife is never home with her husband, and doesn't take him out with her, I can see why he'd try to find out what she's up to. People tend to get paranoid when they don't feel loved or wanted in a marriage. Trust me, I ask him to go places with me. Go grocery shopping with me, go to my family. I tell him everything I'm doing and what goes on when I do it, I don't keep anything from him. I've always been an open honest person.
You Go Girl Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 That's why I think he has a deeper insecurity issue. It's not you--it would be anybody who was close to him. And definitely don't become the hermit he wants you to. Sheesh--! You don't have to join the living in the cave mentality. What I see is a growing paranoia and isolation on his part, with everyone in his life. This is not good. This could be the initial signs of a mental illness. How old is he? Schizophrenia develops by the age of 30.
Enema Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Man, I can't believe the people in this thread suggesting she kill off her individuality, stop exercising and basically become his shadow to appease his insecurities! 7 years together. Has he always been like this?
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