Ladies: What should men do when you're stressed?

[xRJ85x]

I've got my own situation going on I posted about on here, but the main problem that's plaguing it is probably a fairly common one in the general sense. Probably one of the toughest situations a guy can be in: what should a guy do when they like/love a girl, but she's stressed out? We know men do the chasing and courting, so how should we balance that without seeming overbearing to piss you off and lose interest? And this would pertain to either as someone they've just met or, as my situation has it, as a friend (just to avoid the "if they really liked the guy, they wouldn't have a problem" responses).

 

Do we try to help relieve the stress by doing kind things and asking if things are going OK? Or do we back off until you've resolved everything and then try to start up again?

Edited April 13, 2010 by xRJ85x

[cooldudeinberlin]

what is your question?

 

how men should act when their lady is stressed out... due to life stresses, job, dissertation, family, finances, life in general?

 

or

 

if a guy is bugging the sh*t out of them being all clingy and needy?

[SomewhatExperienced]

I think I understand this question. I believe the OP is referring to the stage before the man and woman are "a couple". It's when we men are trying to win the girl over, but she's in a very stressful point in her life at that time.

 

So how do we balance wanting to see the girl, impress her and let her know we're still interested, while giving her time to deal with whatever's going on in her life (master's thesis, big project at work, etc...) without pissing her off? And is there anything that we can/should do to help her?

[espec10001]

Go for a long, slow walk with her. It always works. it puts things in perspective and you can show her the things she's missing.

[phineas]

I have a few woman friends. sometimes they call me up feeling stressed.

I give them about 5 mins. of rant time before I jokeingly tell them I think my cell battery is going dead.

 

They take the hint & I switch the convo to something more pleasant & interesting to help them forget about what is stressing them out.

[Sevenscars]

Give her lots of space to work things out on her own, after all, you don't want to be clingy and buggy and drive her into even more stress. Though let her know you're still there and willing to talk. Maybe make a nice gesture, like a long walk across a park, or get her a day at the spa (if you guys are close enough), or if you are that close, make your own spa to treat her with! Everyone gets stressed and needs time, be sure to respect that.

[LoveLace]

Well for starters just ask her, "is there anything I can do for you?". Maybe offer a shoulder/neck massage. The walk was a good idea. Ask if she wants to get away to see a movie (assuming it's a circumstance that would allow this at the time). Cook her dinner. Give her a hug (but some people don't want affection what so ever when they are stressed, so it depends on the person). But giver her space if she should seem to need it. I'm not saying bombard her with all of these things at once. Just remind her you are there for her. If the situation doesn't allow you to see each other as much, it's ok to call and just ask how she is doing periodically; otherwise let her have the space and she will call when she needs you.

[Twenty-ten]

what is your question?

 

how men should act when their lady is stressed out... due to life stresses, job, dissertation, family, finances, life in general?

 

or

if a guy is bugging the sh*t out of them being all clingy and needy?

 

 

OMG every time I read a post by you, I am thinking the exact same thing, it's like we share a brain and we've never met.

 

As soon as I read the OP i thought over-compensating to help when all she prob needs is a little space.

 

Been there with guys who just insist on being more involved when I ask for space, because I am stressed or what have you and all they think about is THEIR need to help and not my need for space.

 

Best thing you can do is ask her what you can do to make it easier for her, and listen to what she asks for. If she asks for space don't insist on being even more present because you feel that is what YOU want, listen to what she needs and offer her that.

 

Oh and by space I don't mean just disappear, I mean let her know you are there if she needs you.

Edited April 13, 2010 by Twenty-ten

[LoveLace]

It's a fine line with women I think...lol...you don't want us to think you are avoiding us at this time that's for sure, but it's also a good idea to keep arms length and just have her know you are there.

[xRJ85x]

Interesting. I've done some of these things like gone for a walk with her, put my arm around her, cooked her dinner, etc. And I let her know that I would always be there for her if she needed anything. How about actually keeping in touch though? I used to try and call her once every week/two weeks, but she would talk for a few minutes, then have to go. I know I'm not alone because a couple close friends wrote on her Facebook wall about how she never talks to them anymore. For the last month, the only contact I made with her was sending her a birthday gift. I'm torn between wanting to give her space because I care about her and not falling out of touch with her so she doesn't feel the same when she settles everything.

 

For example, would flipping her quick texts messages asking about how little things at school are going be much better than trying to set up a phone call?

[Hazyhead]

DON'T give the reason for being stressed, or the 'what you should have done instead' unless you want her pretty head to explode all over you. Just be calm, soothing, sympathetic, listen to her if she needs it (and agree) and maybe se if she needs a distraction.

[Hazyhead]

 

For example, would flipping her quick texts messages asking about how little things at school are going be much better than trying to set up a phone call?

 

Yes. But let her know you're there for her if she needs you.

[xRJ85x]

Yes. But let her know you're there for her if she needs you.

 

Yea, actually did that in letter I sent on her birthday. Basically, I talked about how I missed her and cared for her a lot, I would always be there for her no matter what. I didn't say anything about because she was stressed, but I basically told her we'd fallen out of touch and it didn't seem to bother her.

[LoveLace]

Is she a nursing or med student by any chance? lol.

 

I only say that because I went through nursing school and the stress of it effected my life in ways I didn't think possible...too stressed to be social, many times. Having a boyfriend was very difficult. Many friends also felt I didnt talk to them anymore, but the truth was I just had too much going on to get too involved with many friends. I missed out on tons of fun activities, etc, because my grades and studying were too crucial and time consuming. I could be way off, but I do know if school is stressful alone it can have a huge effect on the other people in your life.

[Agent Thomas]

I just want to say that some of these replies in this topic have been amazing. I'll complile their ideas and some of mine. Good advice in this topic indeed

 

 

• Taking the girl for a long, romantic, peaceful walk
  
• Making her dinner. (*if you have an iphone, you can download an app for free that has thousands of recipes for every type of dish, basically)
  
• Cuddle and watch the sunset or sunrise, if at all possible. Furthermore, cuddle at the beach and just listen to the waves together
  
• Just listen to her. Give her the opportunity to talk to you, and you just listen completely. Don't give advice unless she asks for it. Just listen to her.
  

[xRJ85x]

Is she a nursing or med student by any chance? lol.

 

I only say that because I went through nursing school and the stress of it effected my life in ways I didn't think possible...too stressed to be social, many times. Having a boyfriend was very difficult. Many friends also felt I didnt talk to them anymore, but the truth was I just had too much going on to get too involved with many friends. I missed out on tons of fun activities, etc, because my grades and studying were too crucial and time consuming. I could be way off, but I do know if school is stressful alone it can have a huge effect on the other people in your life.

 

hahaha No, but in college I tried to get a nursing chick and she was stressed as hell, so I know what you went through lol. She's in special education, and according to my mom who was education as well, you wanna put a gun to your head through the whole last semester run. She not only has to write giant lesson plans every night and wake up at 5am, but she waitresses 1-2 nights on the weekends.

 

I'm glad someone with some experience with college stress is responding though haha. How did you feel about your close friends after you graduated? Did that switch suddenly flip back on and you really missed them?

[LoveLace]

hahaha No, but in college I tried to get a nursing chick and she was stressed as hell, so I know what you went through lol. She's in special education, and according to my mom who was education as well, you wanna put a gun to your head through the whole last semester run. She not only has to write giant lesson plans every night and wake up at 5am, but she waitresses 1-2 nights on the weekends.

 

I'm glad someone with some experience with college stress is responding though haha. How did you feel about your close friends after you graduated? Did that switch suddenly flip back on and you really missed them?

 

Haha, well, talking about stress, after all I went through I didn't get to graduate...at the very end I was dismissed over a matter of 1 test point short...(very long story that I don't care to repeat) so even worse I worked harder than I ever had in my life and missed all the things I did for something that I lost in the end. So ever since then, yes, I have definitely made a point to get out, make new friends and enjoy life to the absolute fullest way I can. It was the best thing to do after being so devastated. However I did plan to do the same upon graduating, you'd better believe it...so when the worst happened, instead of grieving for too long, I didn't see a reason not to continue with my after school plans...minus the house and other privaleges and dreams I would have been able to pursue with nursing money. Now instead I just do as much as I can with what I have, which isn't much. It was in a way, a lesson that money doesn't buy happiness, because even though I'm in my 30's and still living with mommy, without a boyfriend or hardly any single friends, somehow I've managed to feel happiness still. Of course if I had known what would happen I never would have sacrificed all that I did (boyfriends, friends and family time).

 

But that's a rant and nothing to do with you or your situation...

[xRJ85x]

Haha, well, talking about stress, after all I went through I didn't get to graduate...at the very end I was dismissed over a matter of 1 test point short...(very long story that I don't care to repeat) so even worse I worked harder than I ever had in my life and missed all the things I did for something that I lost in the end. So ever since then, yes, I have definitely made a point to get out, make new friends and enjoy life to the absolute fullest way I can. It was the best thing to do after being so devastated. However I did plan to do the same upon graduating, you'd better believe it...so when the worst happened, instead of grieving for too long, I didn't see a reason not to continue with my after school plans...minus the house and other privaleges and dreams I would have been able to pursue with nursing money. Now instead I just do as much as I can with what I have, which isn't much. It was in a way, a lesson that money doesn't buy happiness, because even though I'm in my 30's and still living with mommy, without a boyfriend or hardly any single friends, somehow I've managed to feel happiness still. Of course if I had known what would happen I never would have sacrificed all that I did (boyfriends, friends and family time).

 

But that's a rant and nothing to do with you or your situation...

 

I'm sorry to hear that...I hope things are working out now, especially with school. I was taking 21 credits my last semester and couldn't keep up so I had stay an extra semester, so I know exactly how you feel. I told this girl the same thing. Did you lose those close friends or did you get back in contact with them?

[LoveLace]

I'm sorry to hear that...I hope things are working out now, especially with school. I was taking 21 credits my last semester and couldn't keep up so I had stay an extra semester, so I know exactly how you feel. I told this girl the same thing. Did you lose those close friends or did you get back in contact with them?

 

Along the way I was able to stay in touch with a couple of closest friends, also made a couple new ones. But since then I have had the time and flexibility to get in touch with old ones I lost touch with as well. And dating is sure alot easier, lol. No more school though...nursing programs don't really allow us to jump from 1 school to another just like that and pick up where we left off. They want you to start over if you were considered an "academic failure", which I was even though the failing of a course wasn't even the cause for dismissal, but rather an individual exam separate from that. Starting over is not a financial option for me, unfortunately.

[Twenty-ten]

How about actually keeping in touch though? I used to try and call her once every week/two weeks, but she would talk for a few minutes, then have to go. I know I'm not alone because a couple close friends wrote on her Facebook wall about how she never talks to them anymore. For the last month, the only contact I made with her was sending her a birthday gift.

 

 

I hate to say this, but you sure she is not just brushing you off? It sounds a little too busy. The "only contact you had with her was sending her a b-day gift?" you didn't even get to give it to her in person?

 

This doesn't sound right..

[xRJ85x]

Along the way I was able to stay in touch with a couple of closest friends, also made a couple new ones. But since then I have had the time and flexibility to get in touch with old ones I lost touch with as well. And dating is sure alot easier, lol. No more school though...nursing programs don't really allow us to jump from 1 school to another just like that and pick up where we left off. They want you to start over if you were considered an "academic failure", which I was even though the failing of a course wasn't even the cause for dismissal, but rather an individual exam separate from that. Starting over is not a financial option for me, unfortunately.

 

Yea, I knew a friend that transferred schools and they screwed him on transferred credits. It's especially tough the further in your are to graduating. Things will look up, I didn't think they would just before I graduated, but they did. You're still young too! haha

[khria]

hmmmm, I'd say 'what to do' depends on how long you've known the person and have been going out, and how close you are to them in general. If I recognize my date as someone I can go to with my problems, then yes, a good talk about it would be great (later stages).

 

But if things are still pretty casual, I'd hold off on the prying or pushing. Maybe saying something like "there's a great restaurant I know of (etc etc) that we could check out this Saturday. I know you've been stressed out lately, so if you need some breathing space, we can go when things have cleared up for you." Or even "let me know if you ever need someone to talk to" is, to me at least, very sweet without being insistent..

 

hope this helps you.

[xRJ85x]

hmmmm, I'd say 'what to do' depends on how long you've known the person and have been going out, and how close you are to them in general. If I recognize my date as someone I can go to with my problems, then yes, a good talk about it would be great (later stages).

 

But if things are still pretty casual, I'd hold off on the prying or pushing. Maybe saying something like "there's a great restaurant I know of (etc etc) that we could check out this Saturday. I know you've been stressed out lately, so if you need some breathing space, we can go when things have cleared up for you." Or even "let me know if you ever need someone to talk to" is, to me at least, very sweet without being insistent..

 

hope this helps you.

 

We've been close friends for 3 1/2 years, but due to first me being stressed a year ago over work and then her being stressed about school now, we kind of fell a little farther. Though up until a few months ago, when she started stressing about school, I was one of the few she went to for close support when something bad happened. I'm trying to get close to her again to work into something romantic, but I've decided that has to wait until after she graduates.

[ReadyforLove]

Well for starters just ask her, "is there anything I can do for you?"

 

 

This is a good start.

 

Everyone is different in their ways of dealing with stress. Some women like to be left alone, others may want someone there to listen to them rant and rave. By asking her if you could do anything for her, you can quickly find out exactly what stress relief tactics she may be in need of.

[linwood]

First you have to be aware of the stress so

Pay attention!!

 

Mostly I`ll just ask her if I can help her with whatever is stressing her (she usually says "no I`ll deal with it") then I`ll do whatever I can think of to help her get the time/space to deal with it.

 

If she`s having a hard time with her work schedule I`ll simply take over taxiing the kids around, shopping, running errands etc.

 

If the household responsibilities are mounting, I`ll take them entirely over for awhile.

 

If the kids are being a PITA I`ll keep them quiet or out of the house to give her some peace.

 

Just giving her a break from all the the peripheral stuff seems to help her out alot more than me bugging her about her stress.

Edited April 13, 2010 by linwood