Third chance?

[Reveur]

My ex and I have broken up twice. I would say that the cause of it was 75% me and 25% her. It's been about a year since our second breakup and I've had life experiences and relationships with other girls that, after a lot of time reflecting, have made me reconsider everything I did wrong while my ex and I were together. I have changed, and continue to. Now I finally know the WHY of what went wrong, and now I know how to avoid the pitfalls that I led myself into. And I want to show her all this. It wasn't simply a matter of incompatibility, it was the result of someone being completely self-centered (me). I don't think she has done the soul-searching I've done; she still tends to summarize the relationship in terse statements and doesn't want to discuss things in detail. I have no illusions that I'll just take her back and everything will be wonderful. All I want from her is a third chance -- serious consideration, and a conversation about getting back together.

 

Unfortunately for me my ex started seeing a guy about 3 months ago. It's her first relationship since me, so I'd consider it a rebound. Then I learn they made the decision to move in together.

 

People move in for different reasons. Often, it's a test for marriage. Other times, it's the next natural step in the relationship. I don't think this is either of those scenarios. I think that it was the case of her lease being up, she happened to be seeing a guy with his own place, with room for her dog (and he can help her take care of her), and it's near the school she's starting a degree program at soon. i.e., I think it's more about convenience than anything. And I know he's pretty inexperienced with relationships, so it's my opinion they're jumping into something they're both not ready for because they're in the honeymoon phase (plus I know that the first time with my ex, she at one point had wanted to move in with me, pretty early ... but then we broke up and it was a moot point). I didn't tell her I think she's making a mistake because a) she's a bit younger and needs to make mistakes on her own, b) if it's coming from me it'd look like I'm just trying to control her, and c) her making this mistake plays right into my hands if my goal is to get a third chance with her.

 

I've already expressed to her how I feel. I've said everything I can possibly say, so now I'm just trying to communicate with her as little as possible, you know, if you love someone, set them free and all that. And I'm trying.

 

The thing is though, I just strongly, strongly believe that this is going to work out. Maybe I'm delusional, but I really don't think so. I know her well, and I know how to press her buttons. There are many reasons in addition to the above why I think I'm still in the picture.

 

The last night I saw her, which I knew would be the last time I'd be seeing her for a while, I made sure to make it count. I got her a present she had always wanted, and she was extremely happy to receive it. I got her to let me give her a big hug. I let her know that no matter what happens, that I'll always be there for her. And she still texts me cute little things that only she and I would text each other about. If I were her boyfriend, I'd be pretty uncomfortable with all of the above taking place. The fact that she is keeping me in her life gives me a lot of hope. I also have something special planned for her birthday, which is in about a month. Nothing over the top, just intended to conjure the right emotions. As I said, I know her well enough to believe I can do that. And I know that everything I've already told her is rolling around in the back of her mind.

 

She knows I don't intend on contacting her, so right now I'm just in a long NC phase. It's difficult, but it does help to read this forum. As I said I'm confident this will work out, but that doesn't stop me from getting occasionally terrified that I may ultimately be wrong about all this. I'm at least making a half-hearted attempt at meeting new people just in case I am wrong, but I'm in pretty deep with this thing with my ex, so until that has a result one way or the other I may just be stuck in place for a long time. I'll consider it worth it if I get that third chance. I don't deserve it given my track record with her, but I believe people can change, I know I have, and specifically where my ex is concerned, she got a third chance at something that is very important to her, and it changed everything for her, for the better.

 

There are few times in life where I put such a long-term plan in place, but when I do, I always succeed in the end (in fact, it's sort of how I won her over in the first place). It's just that this time, there is so much that is simply out of my hands. I also want to make it clear I am in no way trying to actively break them up, I'm merely waiting for that to happen by itself, and building myself up enough so that I will be her #1 option when it happens.

 

I didn't come here asking for advice because I have a plan and I'm sticking to it. But I did want to know if anyone had any opinions to share based on what I've said. Winning back an ex is a tough, tough business, maybe someone's been in a similar situation or something. I think the tendency would be to say, just give it time, meet new people, etc. ... that is duly noted, but as I said, I just have a feeling about this one.

[CaliGuy]

I think at some point you have to accept that certain relationships aren't meant to be. Failing once, then twice proves that she is not the right woman for you. I've let people walk away from me that made that choice simply because I respect myself. I wouldn't make someone a priority who only sees me as an option and that's the way you need to look at her.

 

There's someone better for you out there and it's not her. Find the one who loves you as much as you love them, not someone who walked away -- twice.

[Reveur]

Well, I'm going to have to disagree with you there. I don't think the two failures prove anything other than that in the past, I took a lot of things for granted. My mind and heart are in a much different place now than they used to be.

 

And she never walked away from me. I walked away from her.

 

I know she still cares for me, based on what I posted above and more, and I know she is curious to see what it would be like if everything I've told her is true. But as I said, she's still in the honeymoon phase, so I'm just going to ride that out. I am convinced it's not going to work out for them. I shouldn't have used the word "option" to describe myself, my point was more that I want to be the one she turns to when things go south with the guy she's seeing.

 

I admit it's a risky bet but I think she's that special. I'm sure people are reading this and thinking "oh, you poor/stupid, oblivious thing, you really don't get it, do you," but as I posted in another thread, I trust my instincts above all, and this is the direction they're leading me in.

 

And if I'm wrong ... I'll deal with that when it happens. It's kind of why I come here, I just need to feel a little bit better about it because I know that despite my confidence, there is still a chance of failure. Surely there are people out there who don't think it's a foregone conclusion that this isn't going to work out.

Edited April 13, 2010 by Reveur

[Sevenscars]

Why are you giving her presents, and having cutesy-talk with her? She's your ex. AND she has a new boyfriend. One that she lives with! Why would she break up with him for you when both of you are giving her exactly what she wants?

 

Well, I'm going to have to disagree with you there. I don't think the two failures prove anything other than that in the past, I took a lot of things for granted. My mind and heart are in a much different place now than they used to be.

 

Maybe so, but her mind and heart are living with another man right now. It seems as though you're looking for advice that you want to hear, not advice that you need to hear.

 

She's with another man. You should be thinking that all is lost, because it is. Move on. If things fail with her current man, she's going to need to find a new house, new love, and a new place to keep her dog. That's where you come in! And by that time, if you're lucky, you'll be Plan B -- her backup. Is that what you want? She won't respect you, and you will most likely be headed for a THIRD breakup. Sheesh, most people learn by their first one.

 

I've had enough experience to learn that second chances, ESPECIALLY when another man is involved, never work. You broke up for a reason, whatever it was, and that reason is still there. That's why she's with someone else and not you. And if you two get back together, when things go downhill guess who she's going to turn to? The other man.

 

Save yourself the drama, save yourself the pain. Don't put yourself in a situation that you will regret, because with her, one day you will regret it.

[nanana]

So you broke up with her twice. Could I ask why? And how long did it take before you wanted her back? What did she do?

[Reveur]

Why are you giving her presents, and having cutesy-talk with her? She's your ex. AND she has a new boyfriend. One that she lives with! Why would she break up with him for you when both of you are giving her exactly what she wants?

 

I didn't want to take up too much text in the OP explaining that, but since you asked ... a long time ago she said that if I ever wanted her to forgive me, I should get her that. I never did that during the relationship, but I figured this was my last shot. I've already gone over with her in detail why I made the mistakes I made but I never directly asked for forgiveness, and this was my way of doing so. I mentioned this in the card. She didn't get weird about it; she was very happy, and even mentioned it later in conversation.

 

The cutesy-talk was actually initiated by her, not by me. I'm sticking to not initiating contact (painfully).

 

But bottom line, my goal is to create a positive image of me in her thoughts. Yeah, I know she has a boyfriend, but as I've said, I'm convinced it won't last. And if it does last, then I'm wrong, and I'll be out of her life anyway. It's worth a shot. For that matter, when I first won her over, I got a ton of advice from message boards like this that I should stop pursuing her ... because she had a boyfriend (LD) at the time. Sure, those posters thought it was wrong, but she obviously didn't because she broke up with him, and we were together for 2 years. People really think in black and white terms sometimes.

 

Maybe so, but her mind and heart are living with another man right now. It seems as though you're looking for advice that you want to hear, not advice that you need to hear.

 

I'm not looking for advice, as I said. But yes, I am looking for what I want to hear, which is someone to agree that this idea is possible. And frankly I'm not relying on people to agree with me, but it's always nice to have support in one's endeavors. As with swaying a member of the opposite sex, you do it with emotion, not logic. You can throw all the logic in the world at me and it won't make a difference.

 

She's with another man. You should be thinking that all is lost, because it is. Move on. If things fail with her current man, she's going to need to find a new house, new love, and a new place to keep her dog. That's where you come in! And by that time, if you're lucky, you'll be Plan B -- her backup. Is that what you want? She won't respect you, and you will most likely be headed for a THIRD breakup. Sheesh, most people learn by their first one.

 

I've had enough experience to learn that second chances, ESPECIALLY when another man is involved, never work. You broke up for a reason, whatever it was, and that reason is still there. That's why she's with someone else and not you. And if you two get back together, when things go downhill guess who she's going to turn to? The other man.

 

All is lost? It's that kind of attitude that will result in defeat from the get-go. I'm keeping a positive attitude about it. I do definitely understand the point you're making here, but if all of the above happens, I don't really mind being her backup, because given how much I've changed, I can turn that into something better than we had before. But also, I didn't say we'd automatically get back together. I'd just want a conversation. I admit there's a possibility she could be in love with that guy the same way I'm in love with her. I believe in myself enough to know that if I do get a third chance, I will not mess it up. Yeah, we did break up twice, but both times were my fault, and I have seen the light, so to speak. I also realize she's not perfect, and maybe she's not the person I remember anymore.

 

Save yourself the drama, save yourself the pain. Don't put yourself in a situation that you will regret, because with her, one day you will regret it.

 

I realize that this idea is ludicrous. But I'm willing to take the pain, because this is what my heart is telling me to do. If I fail, I fail, but I need to try.

 

So you broke up with her twice. Could I ask why? And how long did it take before you wanted her back? What did she do?

 

Sure. Both times were really for the same reason. I was a very self-centered person before (and yes, I realize the irony of that statement). I would expect a lot from her, much of it unrealistic, and would get disappointed when she wouldn't live up to it. I was disappointed in who she wasn't, rather than appreciate who she was, and I rarely ever showed appreciation for her (despite feeling it). The first time we got back together, I admitted I had done a lot wrong, but the problem was, I didn't actively try to fix any of it. There just hadn't been enough time apart (it was about 3 months) to really reflect on what the roots of the problems were. About a year after the second breakup, I had seen different girls, got some new perspectives, and thought to myself a lot of times, what if I treated them like I treated her? It would never last. Those relationships ended simply due to incompatibility. But at no time did I ever think I wanted her back. I was even happy for her when she told me she was seeing someone new. But several weeks ago, she did something that hurt me, not intentionally though (I'd really rather not go into it), and I had a pretty strong reaction. I thought about it for a long time and realized that you don't react that strongly unless it's someone you care about. And then it all sort of came together. I expressed to her quite a few things about what I had learned about myself over the time we'd been apart, and how if we ever did get back together, I would never let those negative aspects surface again. So she knows my thoughts and feelings on all this. And she's not exactly making a huge effort to dissuade me. Now all I'm trying to do is keep myself in a good position to make amends if her current relationship fails. And the no contact might also make me start to drift away, which is what everyone suggests I need to do anyway.

 

I know that everything I'm saying runs contrary to most of the advice given on boards such as this, but I truly feel I'm doing the right thing here. I'm not actively trying to get in between them. Sure I'm occasionally propping myself up but I'm only playing off what she's giving me. You could say it's more noble to just give up and go on, but I see a certain nobility in being willing to put oneself through emotional hell for a glimmering chance of getting back together with the one he loves and giving her everything she was denied before. Yeah, that's overly romanticized, but why hold back?

 

Sorry, I tried to keep this all brief, but didn't.

 

And thanks for reading, by the way. I may disagree with some things but I do appreciate your thoughts.

[sweethearttx]

Well...I think everyone has an opinion. And there is always a "logical" thing to do. But sometimes in matters of the heart you gotta follow your heart. Even if it leads to more pain ultimately. Sometimes you just feel like you have to find out, so you go do it. Despite your better judgment. So if that's what you gotta do, then that's what you gotta do. Just be respectful of her current relationship and her wishes. Don't turn into a jerk while you do what you gotta do.