frygibson Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Here is the situation: We dated for two years and it went well but then we broke up because of time commitments. There was no cheating involved at this break up. We continued to be good friends for about six months and dated on and off. Then after our lives had settled down we got back together. We all after being together for four months I felt like something was wrong. She was texting all the time... 2 or 3am. One night she left her text messages open and I saw that one of the texts was to a guy that I had never heard of. After reading all of her texts, I was amazed to see what I did. With about three different guys she was having some type of relationship. She sent text messages to the guys saying things like "I miss you", "Please don't get drunk and do anything with another girl. I care about you a lot", "I can't wait to see you tonight". And lots of things to that nature. To her credit she did not say anything sexual in any of her messages. She never said anything that showed she was having a physical relationship with them... She called them "babe" or "cutie" in many of the messages. Also she sent them pictures... non-nude. She was always fully dressed in them. Nothing too scandalous. Some of the texts occurred after I'd fallen asleep at night in our bed... and there were some when we were at the hospital after I had separated my shoulder where she told guys that she "took a friend to the hospital. I wish I could be with you right now". Obviously I confronted her about it... she swore on her life that she never had any physical contact with them other than dancing with them at the club. I do beleive her I think. But... are the text messages a form of cheating? What would everybody here consider her actions to be? It's hard to say it's cheating, but I'm not sure what else to call it. Right now I said if she changed her life completely I would stay with her. We are in the process of figuring out how we are going to change this... but now that she's been caught it wouldn't be hard to delete text messages from now on... or any number of other things. Am I crazy for sticking with her?
SomewhatExperienced Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 This is cheating. She's more interested in pursuing romantic relationships, and she does, with other guys than you, her boyfriend. She's more than humouring the idea of being with these other guys over you. Dump her.
flyguy23 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 yeah bro, I'm sorry but that is def cheating. you need to dump this girl
MrNate Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Here is the situation: We dated for two years and it went well but then we broke up because of time commitments. There was no cheating involved at this break up. We continued to be good friends for about six months and dated on and off. Then after our lives had settled down we got back together. We all after being together for four months I felt like something was wrong. She was texting all the time... 2 or 3am. One night she left her text messages open and I saw that one of the texts was to a guy that I had never heard of. After reading all of her texts, I was amazed to see what I did. With about three different guys she was having some type of relationship. She sent text messages to the guys saying things like "I miss you", "Please don't get drunk and do anything with another girl. I care about you a lot", "I can't wait to see you tonight". And lots of things to that nature. To her credit she did not say anything sexual in any of her messages. She never said anything that showed she was having a physical relationship with them... She called them "babe" or "cutie" in many of the messages. Also she sent them pictures... non-nude. She was always fully dressed in them. Nothing too scandalous. Some of the texts occurred after I'd fallen asleep at night in our bed... and there were some when we were at the hospital after I had separated my shoulder where she told guys that she "took a friend to the hospital. I wish I could be with you right now". Obviously I confronted her about it... she swore on her life that she never had any physical contact with them other than dancing with them at the club. I do beleive her I think. But... are the text messages a form of cheating? What would everybody here consider her actions to be? It's hard to say it's cheating, but I'm not sure what else to call it. Right now I said if she changed her life completely I would stay with her. We are in the process of figuring out how we are going to change this... but now that she's been caught it wouldn't be hard to delete text messages from now on... or any number of other things. Am I crazy for sticking with her? Um, yeah. Yes you are crazy for sticking with her. If I were you, the moment I heard her say she took a 'friend' to the hospital, that would've been it. But first thing first is to let her know, and know well, that you won't tolerate that. And if she can't handle that, then frankly, she can bounce. Respect is all, my friend. But if you do stay with her, let her know some changes will be made.
Trimmer Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I can't tell you for sure exactly what she is or isn't doing, but one piece of advice I will offer is not to get too caught up in defining whether she is on one side or the other of some theoretical definition of "cheating." If you do that, it's too easy to get distracted by arguments over technicalities: she didn't really "do" anything, nothing "physical" happened, all that kind of BS, and the focus slips away from the important point: is her behavior OK for you or not? If you drill in on whether she is technically "cheating" or not, she will, of course, argue "No", and then you guys will end up arguing about "what cheating is" (which is what will happen to this thread, too...) instead of the real point you should be working out: is this behavior acceptable, and if not, what changes need to be made? Personally, whatever you call it, if my SO were doing this kind of thing behind my back, I wouldn't find it acceptable AT ALL. You see what you see, you know what it means, without even having to determine if she's "doing anything physical" or whatever. Don't be distracted by trying to define what "cheating" is and look for a simple "yes/no" answer. Look at what you already know in front of you and work on that.
Fouts Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 frygibson, does it seem normal for you to be referred to as a friend at the hospital while your g/f texts another man she wishes she were with him?
Author frygibson Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 Thanks for all the replies. I was interested to know how crazy I as for sticking with her... I pretty much know the outcome of our relationship whether I stick with her or dump her now so I should probably get it over with. It's a shame really. So cheating can be either physical or non-physical? Do you consider there to be a big difference between the two? This probably isn't going to change my mind much, but it's interesting to know. A lot of the problem that I've faced with this is that I've talked to her best friend and her friend has told me that she's been trying to stop talking to these guys for awhile. Apparently she has told her best friend that she thinks these guys are disgusting but she just can't stop flirting....My gf told me that she has been looking for a relationship psychologist to talk to because of her "flirting problem". I trust her friend but it's still a little iffy to me. It sounds a lot like Tiger Woods having an "addiction" to sex. Either which way it's getting old and I'm getting tired.
Author frygibson Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 frygibson, does it seem normal for you to be referred to as a friend at the hospital while your g/f texts another man she wishes she were with him? Not at all lol. It seems pretty messed up to me.... Our relationship has just been through a lot. I think she can change but I'm not sure. I don't know if I've got the energy to keep an eye on her at all times and make sure she is changing. Because... if she doesn't change she will obviously be a lot smarter about it and take me a lot longer to find out. I don't want to find out in six months that she hasn't changed and realized that I wasted six months of my life. I'm just not sure... seems like it's almost more work on my part than hers.
Fouts Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 People don't change frygibson, they can adapt and overcome. She's not content with what you two have, there's no amount of time or magic pixie dust that's going to make her only have eyes for you. It's just not a good match.
sumdude Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Cheating or not she's just playing with men. She's is the definition of a female 'playah'. She may or may not be having sex with any of them but the point is she enjoys all the attention and control. I'd bet most of those guys haven't a clue either. One day she may grow up... probably a while from now. Consider if you want to go long term with someone who can live that way.
D-Lish Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I wouldn't trust this girl! She may or may not be physically cheating- but she is surely fishing with regard to the possibility. What would she do if the tables were reversed and you were picking up girls at a club and grabbing their number, then exchanging flirty texts with them? It's doubtful she can change, and I don't see how you can remain in a relationship with her and trust her.
carhill Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 IMO, it sounds like emotional vampire/attention whore territory... 'I feel marginalized and demeaned when you prioritize these other men over our relationship. Your actions (xxxxx) are unacceptable. Goodbye' If she changes, good on her. You're under no obligation to be her support system while that happens.
sweetjasmine Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Apparently she has told her best friend that she thinks these guys are disgusting but she just can't stop flirting....My gf told me that she has been looking for a relationship psychologist to talk to because of her "flirting problem". I trust her friend but it's still a little iffy to me. It sounds a lot like Tiger Woods having an "addiction" to sex. Wow, what a bunch of BS. So it's her "flirting problem" that made her refer to you as a "friend"? And text these guys after you've fallen asleep about how she cares about them and can't wait to see them? It's not your job to make sure she changes. I'd cut and run if I were you. That kind of behavior is totally unacceptable, regardless of whether you want to label it cheating or not.
cooldudeinberlin Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 are you guys together, not together? who knows.... apparently she enjoyed her time off from the relationship and has discovered her single side and that other guys are attracted to her and give her a lot of validation and attention... which is a sign that someone will most likely be dishonest (which is really fundamental problem of cheating or anything else.) Girls just want to have fun, true... and it sounds as if she's doing it... if she can be open with you that she likes flirting, dating others, then you can decide where you guys are... but for someone to keep that hidden and strings you along as a "back up plan" and you being under the impression you have something committed or something more... then you either need to make an ultimatum or get out... I always opt for get out... its far too stressful, too much work, too many compromises and all the emotional misery that comes from just some girlfriend or casual relationship... why bother... way too easy to move on... because there is not always someone else around the corner... there are hundreds of potentials.... time for you to have some fun.
phineas Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Would you behave this way with her or any other woman you are commited to? If not, why?
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