Hurting a man and don't mean to

[spiderowl]

Perhaps someone can advise me on this. I feel whatever I do is going to be wrong.

 

Met a wonderful man online, we're on the same wavelength, he's kind, caring, interested. We met in person and physically I felt fairly neutral but I thought attraction would grow. It could have, but the physical connection is not working and is making me feel uncomfortable. There seems to be a lack of natural chemistry there and he seems move less smoothly and gently than me. Also, there may be something as basic as the wrong pheremones involved. Instead of feeling closer, I'm put off. I like to be given massages, stroked and so on, but if these get started they fizzle out the moment I say I'm enjoying them. I do reciprocate, in case you are wondering. I've tried to make this work because I really like this man but increasingly I'm backing off from any intimate contact.

 

He realised something was wrong and asked me about it. It was a very difficult position to be in. I said I didn't feel we clicked physically and immediately felt awful. I would have felt bad not explaining without giving him chance to change things, but I feel something fundamental is wrong between us here. Now I don't know where we are going or what to do. I need to back off and have some space to see if my feelings change. They do when we are separate but the doubt comes back again when we meet and it's not fair to mislead him.

 

Whatever I do or say now is likely to be hurtful to him. It seems ridiculous that we could get on so well in other respects and yet have this barrier, but I can't help how I feel. He wants to do what he can to put it right, but I don't see that happening. He just has a different way of interacting physically. This man is so wonderful and I don't want to hurt him. He's not going to want to be just friends. Where do I go from here? Is there anything I can say in this situation that won't hurt him? I'm going to lose him as a friend, I can see, and he'll think I'm a callous woman. More than anything I don't want to hurt this nice man. It seems such an appalling situation for both of us.

Edited April 13, 2010 by spiderowl

[MrNate]

Perhaps someone can advise me on this. I feel whatever I do is going to be wrong.

 

Met a wonderful man online, we're on the same wavelength, he's kind, caring, interested. We met in person and physically I felt fairly neutral but I thought attraction would grow. It could have, but the physical connection is not working and is making me feel uncomfortable. There seems to be a lack of natural chemistry there and he seems move less smoothly and gently than me. Also, there may be something as basic as the wrong pheremones involved. Instead of feeling closer, I'm put off. I like to be given massages, stroked and so on, but if these get started they fizzle out the moment I say I'm enjoying them. I do reciprocate, in case you are wondering. I've tried to make this work because I really like this man but increasingly I'm backing off from any intimate contact.

 

He realised something was wrong and asked me about it. It was a very difficult position to be in. I said I didn't feel we clicked physically and immediately felt awful. I would have felt bad not explaining without giving him chance to change things, but I feel something fundamental is wrong between us here. Now I don't know where we are going or what to do. I need to back off and have some space to see if my feelings change. They do when we are separate but the doubt comes back again when we meet and it's not fair to mislead him.

 

Whatever I do or say now is likely to be hurtful to him. It seems ridiculous that we could get on so well in other respects and yet have this barrier, but I can't help how I feel. He wants to do what he can to put it right, but I don't see that happening. He just has a different way of interacting physically. This man is so wonderful and I don't want to hurt him. He's not going to want to be just friends. Where do I go from here? Is there anything I can say in this situation that won't hurt him? I'm going to lose him as a friend, I can see, and he'll think I'm a callous woman. More than anything I don't want to hurt this nice man. It seems such an appalling situation for both of us.

 

 

Save yourself and him time and just tell him you're not interested. To continue on from this point would be a waste of time.

[Fouts]

Chemistry is a strange thing spiderowl, it can't be created. It's better to be open and honest about it, if things end they end.

[D-Lish]

Be kind and end things with him. You can't force chemistry.

[carhill]

He realised something was wrong and asked me about it. It was a very difficult position to be in. I said I didn't feel we clicked physically

 

I didn't see any recitation of his response. If you had told me that, and many women have, I'd say OK and you wouldn't see me again. Good on ya for being direct. I hope you don't feel badly about that. You're meeting people for possible romance and not to make platonic friends so it's either romance or nothing. Own that. It's OK. Since he's a wonderful man, he'll meet a nice lady who does find him physically attractive, and you'll meet an attractive man. It all works out

[boogieboy]

He's not going to want to be just friends. Where do I go from here? Is there anything I can say in this situation that won't hurt him? I'm going to lose him as a friend, I can see, and he'll think I'm a callous woman. More than anything I don't want to hurt this nice man. It seems such an appalling situation for both of us.

 

He's not going to want to be friends, and you ned to respect that. He cannot and should not be hanging out with you when youre not feeling him. Its torture. So once you break it off, cut all contact so he can get over you faster. Thats the best you can do. You told him he's awkward physically, thats all you can do.

[phineas]

I never understood why a woman would drag things out because she didn't want to hurt a guy.

 

The end result is going to be the same reguardless.

 

Except the longer they wait, the worse it is for the man who eventually feels like the woman wasted his time.

[Scottdmw]

It will be painful for him to hear that you are not feeling the chemistry, but that's better than dragging it out. As a man, I truly appreciate it when a woman is willing to just tell me honestly what's going on. It is painful to hear, and sometimes the men may react badly, but it is far better than not telling him what's going on.

 

I think it's unlikely your feelings on this are going to change.

 

Scott

[whosleonard]

Don't be blinded by the physical appearance of a person. All you need to do is to listen on what your heart. It will guide you to true happiness.

 

Good luck