spookie Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 It was another Hangge Uppe weekend. We were supposed to be having a "low-key" date, but when I got there, he was hanging out with Jeff and Andy, and everyone was already drunk. Not that I had much of a moral vantage point off of which to complain. I was a ****-show myself. I'd made the mistake of smoking (for the first time since Jan.) before I came over, and I was so high I couldn't even park my own car. So that was how our low-key date started - playing drinking games with his friends until about midnight, then going out to the bars to meet up with a few other friends. Somewhere along the way: Jeff hit on someone right in front of his girlfriend. I listened to a story about how their married friend accidentally cheated on his wife with a hooker in Mexico. D. accidentally felt up my friend's ass. We ended up at the meat market 5 AM bar, where we stayed till close. Andy took home a girl he hadn't liked at the start of the night. The next day, D and I stayed in bed till 5 PM, alternately having sex and nursing our hangovers. In the evening, he took me to Popeye’s, where he didn’t even offer to buy me fried chicken. He said he'd call me later that night, but it's the next day, and I haven't heard from him yet. I don't know what the moral of the story is here, but somewhere between getting banged on the coffee table after the bars, and going home to throw up Popeye’s, I realized I want more out of life. I was so excited when I met this guy, because he was the first person I’d been attracted to since I started working for my boss almost 2 years ago. I think because of this eagerness to move on and be happy, I overlooked a lot of red flags. I’ve been attributing the uneasy feeling in my gut to my own trust issues, telling myself he must be into me, since he’s always inviting me out with him, and has agreed to being exclusive, but now I realize, why wouldn’t he invite me out? Where else is he going to find a hot girl to have sex 4 times a day with? And as for my “trust issues”… well, if they’re still here after almost 5 months, I’m guessing they’re here to stay. I don’t think I feel this way just because he cheated with me, though certainly that isn’t helping. He is just so inundated into the boys behaving badly culture, that he practically defines it. I’m good at behaving badly myself, but having never cheated on anyone in my life, at least I bring fidelity to the table. I'm not sure about him. I’m not desperate to get married and start having children, but I’m not NOT ready to start looking for the right person to do those things with, either. Despite his shortcomings, I like this guy a lot; we have fun together and he is so cute, smart, and funny that he’s been easy for me to start caring about. But I feel like the longer I stay with him, the further away I will be from finding something sustainable and better. So, even though it is fun and easy to keep seeing him, I should stop postponing the inevitable. Right?
melodymatters Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Well Spook, no need for a dramatic ending, but I might start looking at everything a little more closely, now that the stars are out of your eyes. I don't know what other things you do or talk about, but if this was the mainstay of our R, I might start getting a bit weary from the inertia. Are you STILL not BF/GF ???? I SO don't get this ????
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 he has yet to refer to me as his gf. yesterday jeff introduced me to someone as "the girl i work with... and d. might be dating... or something." d. was standing right next to me during this introduction and did not bother to clarify. i can't say that didn't bother me. on the other hand he is most definitely not seeing anyone else, and he seems to want to see a lot of me... i just feel like i might be a glorified fwb, you know? i dont want to fall for him to find out hes been using me this whole time. i dont know. im so confused!
melodymatters Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Wow ! I think you coined a relevant new term here : Glorified FWB !!! You know, I've NEVER been a fwb, but now that i'm thinking about it......I MAY have been a glorified one once or twice ! So, what're you looking for Spook ? This has been good for getting your mind off of Jack, you realized you could have an attraction again after Wes, and then Bossman. So thats great ! You've been evolving ! Now, next step you need to decide what you want from D. I think he is prob happy to be only with you, but maybe he's not ready for anything heavier. Are you, or are you just pissed HE's not being more posessive ? Just search your head, and then go with your gut. You are so smart and apparently getting smarter and stronger every day !
Jilly Bean Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 D and I stayed in bed till 5 PM, alternately having sex and nursing our hangovers. In the evening, he took me to Popeye’s, where he didn’t even offer to buy me fried chicken. ...somewhere between getting banged on the coffee table after the bars, and going home to throw up Popeye’s, I realized I want more out of life. Spookie - your writing has such a delightful Tama Janowitz-ish quality to it. Ever read her stuff? You'd like it. If you want more out of your life, then CHANGE it. Stop hanging out with these type of people, stop doing drugs, stop having sex without love/commitment, stop drinking so much, stop feeling used, stop. Just stop. Then, the change will come. And yes, the longer you associate with someone who isn't fulfilling your needs, the longer it will take to find someone worthy.
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 thanks, mm. i expected bashing and the usual accusations that i'm a drug addict when i posted. your words of encouragement mean a lot. i am ready, though not desperate, for a real relationship. i dont think that's what i have with d., but on the other hand, in the next couple of months, between studying and looking for and possibly starting a new job, my life might be in transition again, and i might be too busy to look that relationship. and what i have with d. IS better than nothing. on that note, d's life is about to change, too. he's going back to school full-time in the fall. this is something he's planned his whole life, and i know he's preoccupied with plotting out the last details atm. a part of me feels like he can't really commit to me, until he's there, and has a better feel for my role in his life. another part of me feels like hes just not into me, and if i dont run now, ill be his stepping stone, his summer romance...
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 jilly... but do i feel used because i'm being used? or because i'm crazy? on the other side of this, writing about him, im bombarded by all the nice, affectionate things he has done - and there have been plenty. i think the labelling issue is the biggest reason i feel so insecure. is the fact that i am not sure that we're technically in one, a good enough reason to end a good relationship?
Jilly Bean Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 jilly... but do i feel used because i'm being used? or because i'm crazy? on the other side of this, writing about him, im bombarded by all the nice, affectionate things he has done - and there have been plenty. i think the labelling issue is the biggest reason i feel so insecure. is the fact that i am not sure that we're technically in one, a good enough reason to end a good relationship? Objectively speaking and judging from the quality of "dates", I would say you're not crazy. It's not so much that it sounds like he's using you. Just that he doesn't seem interested in a more traditional and respectful dating situation. One that includes taking you out on solo dates, to dinner, museums, the zoo... Again, not sure if this has happened in the past, but just from the account detailed, he doesn't seem to be putting too much effort into proper courtship. I'm sure he's a good guy and has special qualities. However, at the end of the day, if you don't feel you're being treated like you'd like, then you need to cut bait. And no, it's not a good reason to end a relationship because you don't think you're on the same page UNTIL you have a conversation and actually get that straight. If it's the label that's bothering you, and not the dynamic, then sit the lad down and ask him where you stand, and what he's looking for.
marsle85 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Two options: You're going into this looking for something not serious - I mean you did go to his house high... and you found someone to wants the same thing. Why does this conflict with what you want? You're going into this looking for something serious (relatively, maybe not "you're the one" serious) In which- you should never have gone to his house in that condition... you are setting his expectations really low. He doesn't think he has to buy you Popeyes. In both cases, you're not being treated very well. In both cases you're not treating yourself very well. Hell, I'm for getting swasted and smoking a few blunts - but you CANNOT do this with guys you're into. You become like one of their buddies. So yeah, he's a douche- but you're coming off as a floozie. (I mean no offense) I'm just saying, I think you're looking to have a fun, semi-serious thing. And if that's the case, fun has to come later when you've already swept him off his feet and he won't notice how much you drink because your halo is so blinding. Get me? The golden rule: Never sleep with a guy if you are uncertain whether he'll buy your fast-food the following morning.
Hot Carl Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Maybe you just wish he wanted you that way, in spite of the fact that you don't really feel it for him. Maybe it's ego.
Author spookie Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 this kid just offered to come take off my toilet to fish out the disposable cleaner wand thing i accidentally flushed down my pipes today, clogging it. im pretty sure that means he cares about me. maybe it even means were in a relationship. i wish i could stop being so crazy and just enjoy this r. for whatever it is. certainly, there is a lot to be happy about. i have a really dangerous habit of finding and obsessing about the negatives in any sitation, to the point where i can turn anything into a self fulfilling prophecy. if the cups not half empty, ill spill till theres nothing left.
pandagirl Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Spookie, you just seem like you're ready for a more mature relationship/mature person. I don't know if this guy is necessarily treating you "bad," but it seems like he is just a typical DUDE. Or even a "dood." If you're looking to be treated like a lady, he may not be the guy, but if you want to date a frat guy who is going to live in Dudeland, party and take you to eat fried chicken and you can be happy with that, then go for it. Just don't sell yourself short.
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