have been split a year, 5 months NC, what do I lose if I contact her

[gavinus]

Ok, long story short, we were together 3 years. She was awful to me (refer other posts) She dumped me. I bumped into her 5 months ago. I was so angry at her. She crushed my own self worth, I could never do anything right. I told her how she hurt me, that she was an angry woman and I dont want that in my life (This was the first time I had stuck up for myself for years). She wished me well......I fell for it yet again, started to be nice to her and then *bam* she said it did not suit her to contact me, she denied how she treated me, the whole manipulation thing all over again. Lovely one minute, awful the next, an angel if I told her what she wanted to hear, a devil if it suited her, hot/cold etc. So the final contact from me was an email stating I want people in my life who only love and respect me as I do them, NC ever since. It bugs me if I contact her she would respond, but if I never contact her again we would never talk again. Why is that? Why can't I let it go? What do i lose if I contact her? I suppose I want to say "this is how your were....why could you not treat me the way I wanted with love and respect?" But what message does that give her? So I thought to post here first instead to keep my own power, advice, comments are welcome, thanks guys

Edited April 13, 2010 by gavinus

[mickleb]

Well done for posting here, gavinus.

 

You've answered your own question by stating you want to keep your 'own power'.

 

Please don't lose your objectivity on this person. It seems it took you a while to learn that she didn't really care about you, only herself. Don't think you contacting her will change this.

 

You have scraped together some self-respect. That's the good stuff, that. The stuff you should hang onto, at all costs. Why give that to a nasty person?

 

Have you done any therapy regarding why you let this person walk all over you? Or read any books, like No More Mr Nice Guy? The Journey From Heartbreak To Connection is another that will help you to figure out why you are elevating someone who has hurt you.

 

Remember your head on this one, not your heart, for the heart can be deceitful above all things.

 

x

[gavinus]

Thanks for your comment, I am seeing a therapist which is helping a lot. I suppose the thing that still bothers me 5 months on is she told me I was a person who needed reassurance but is it any wonder when somebody was telling me I was not good enough most of the time. I REALLY REALLY want to tell her that, but will it change anything?? or only give her power (sigh)

[WiseOne1]

Well I am also on 5 Months of NC with my ex, im thinking about contacting her too, but I can't build up the nerve to contact her, her birthday is 8 days away, so im strongly considering calling or texting.

 

I don't think I should though, I don't think you should either, lol, I don't know if it would be such a good thing if we do.

[DustySaltus]

The best response to someone with NPD or BPD is complete silence. Take it from me, I'm in the same boat as you. There's nothing you can say or do that is going to make her feel remorseful, nothing. What are you looking to gain from this? Any response from you is showing her that she still has some sort of power over you. It may make you feel good for a moment but I promise you eventually you will feel like crap.

 

You want them to feel sorry, you want them to realize their actions but it's NEVER going to happen. They USE people to fulfill THEIR needs, If you are not at 100% every single day you're going to hear about it. Eventually you will become someone that you cannot even recognzie anymore. You aren't you anymore, you're just trying to be someone who doesn't do anything to piss them off. I suggest picking up "Walking on Eggshells" which will give you an idea of how the BPD mind works. Read that first then decide whether or not you should contact her....good luck.

[mickleb]

Thanks for your comment, I am seeing a therapist which is helping a lot. I suppose the thing that still bothers me 5 months on is she told me I was a person who needed reassurance but is it any wonder when somebody was telling me I was not good enough most of the time. I REALLY REALLY want to tell her that, but will it change anything?? or only give her power (sigh)

 

Sadly, no. Dustus is right.

 

It will only diminish your power and hand it to her. Translate the word power for the phrase self-esteem, if you want to, in these scenarios.

 

She is the only person who can change her.

 

I used to want to educate my ex - a whole lot! But, eventually realised that a) he wouldn't hear what I was saying unless he wanted to - i.e. was desperate for my advice(!) and then, b) I no longer cared enough to put my energy into him, at all. Giving up on that made me a bit unhappy that he would go on deceiving other people, as he had me but I'm not responsible for those other people's happiness.

 

I am responsible for my own happiness. You are responsible for yours.

 

You have made brilliant progress in understanding yourself and can continue to do so, if you keep her out of your life. The questions are not about why she behaved the way she did (I VERY much doubt she could answer those questions, anyway) but why you allowed her to. You hold the answers. You can find them. You will.

 

Take care. You're doing a good job of looking after yourself, here. You really need to continue to do that. Nothing she can say will help you to do this.

 

x

[This Hurts]

I know you're going to get this a lot, but you shouldn't contact her.

 

Like you've been told before, it's just going to make you worst. To her, you'll seem weak. Especially after 5 months of no contact, she's just going to think, "Jeez, 5 months and he's STILL dwelling on this?" Then you'll realize that's how you appeared to her and regret it deeply.

 

Everything you described describes my ex perfectly. She acted the exact same way, and what keeps me from giving into the temptation of contacting her is the fact that I know she probably won't care. We expect them to reply with an apology or an "I've missed you lately"/"I miss you sometimes", but the sad truth is that there's a 97% chance that they won't do that. They'll either reply with bitterness or indifference, and that's just going to make us feel worst.

 

If she ever feels guilty, she'll contact you. If she never contacts you then just keep in mind there's still a chance that she's realized & feels bad, she's just not going to take action, and that should make you feel better because that means she'll live with that in her conscience for a pretty long time. At least that's how my ex is. She doesn't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder, but she DOES have Bipolar Disorder, and these people are SO f*cking hard to deal with. When I was younger, I didn't think a mental disorder was that big of a deal and oh boy have I learned. This is going to sound *sshole-ish of me, but if there's anything I've taken from this relationship and breakup, is that fact that now I know never to date someone with a mental disorder again.

 

It's better living with the little temptation of contacting her—that will eventually fade—than to give into it and have it affect you for god knows how long and add a load of regret onto your shoulders. You're already grieving a loss and are dealing with all the feelings associated with that: loneliness, sadness/depression, indecisiveness, anger, regret, low self-esteem, etc. You don't need added stress on you.

 

Be good to yourself, buddy, and remember we're all on the same boat.

Edited April 13, 2010 by This Hurts

[CaliGuy]

Ok, long story short, we were together 3 years. She was awful to me (refer other posts) She dumped me. I bumped into her 5 months ago. I was so angry at her. She crushed my own self worth, I could never do anything right. I told her how she hurt me, that she was an angry woman and I dont want that in my life (This was the first time I had stuck up for myself for years). She wished me well......I fell for it yet again, started to be nice to her and then *bam* she said it did not suit her to contact me, she denied how she treated me, the whole manipulation thing all over again. Lovely one minute, awful the next, an angel if I told her what she wanted to hear, a devil if it suited her, hot/cold etc. So the final contact from me was an email stating I want people in my life who only love and respect me as I do them, NC ever since. It bugs me if I contact her she would respond, but if I never contact her again we would never talk again. Why is that? Why can't I let it go? What do i lose if I contact her? I suppose I want to say "this is how your were....why could you not treat me the way I wanted with love and respect?" But what message does that give her? So I thought to post here first instead to keep my own power, advice, comments are welcome, thanks guys

 

Read the threads linked in my signature. If you need self-worth and value, don't look to OTHERS for it, but seek it within. The value of you is determined BY you.

 

Why on earth would you want to waste time on someone who doesn't value you. Spend time with people who DO value you, not others.

[gavinus]

thanks guys, your support and great advice is good. My life is quieter without her in it and the good news is I am free to be me. I know in my heart any contact with her would leave me feeling terrible where as for her it would just be an email or 5 mins out of her day. I want to move on but I automatically think whenever a woman shows interest in me, what does she want me for? my ex did not deny that she used me when we last spoke 5 months ago. I hope one day to trust that someone actually wants to be with me not for what they can get from me but just because they want to, thanks heaps,

Edited April 14, 2010 by gavinus

[mickleb]

There are a lot of good women out there, gavinus. Don't let one rotten apple spoil the cart.

 

Just don't allow anyone to push you around again.

 

You'll be fine. Take care.

 

x