"its just a piece of paper, babe, my body, heart and mind lies with you..."

[vernitagreen]

i've gotten myself into a hell of a situation...

 

i am an exotic dancer. a stripper. call me what you want, it feeds my son while i'm in nursing school. i've been dancing for about a year now, and i've done a damn good job of keeping strip club drama out of my daytime life. up until 6 months ago, most of my coworkers didn't even know my first name...and then i met luke.

 

luke is one of the djs at the club i work at. he's the fun dj; you know, the one that'll play anything you ask him to, laugh and joke with the girls on stage, won't hound you for tips at the end of the night, and just generally keeps the atmosphere lively and upbeat. over a year ago, he was involved with a dancer at the club and when the relationship went sour, she told EVERYONE at work about how good he was in bed and how she can't get over him because his sex was better than anyone she had ever been with. and in strip clubs, even the most negligible detail about someone's personal life can become the new hot topic, so when tales of luke's sexual abilities got out, girls became more and more flirtatious...as if they weren't already...he's funny and gorgeous.

 

for the 6 months prior to our involvment, luke and i were always cordial. like every girl there, i was attracted to him...he just has an attractive personality. there's not a soul in that club that can say something bad about the way he is...he's ALWAYS smiling and laughing. but i kept my distance for fear of losing my job. i started working dayshifts at the club during spring break to make some extra money for the two weeks i was out from school and luke was on schedule as the daytime dj. most of the days we worked together, there were only two or three other girls on dayshift, one bouncer, and the manager, so in our boredom, luke and i got closer. i learned that he had been separated from his wife for one year but they hadn't been living together for two years, that he had gotten married at 17 and had been married for 9 years, that the breaking point in his marriage came when his wife didn't want to have his children because she didn't want to take time off from stripping, that she had two abortions behind his back...he seemed like a clown, like he wore a huge smile at work but in reality, he was a really unhappy guy.

 

our friendship became more when we exchanged numbers. we would text each other day and night about everything and in time, his texts became flirtatious. no one knew of this except for us...at work we carried on like two uninvolved coworkers. but one weekend, a few of the dancers from work asked me to go out to a bar with them just to have a weekend away from work and i agreed. little did i know, this was luke's favorite bar...and he was sitting at the end alone when i walked in. my heart sunk, so i waited for the other girls to notice him there before i did. they did, and he bought us all drinks, as many and as much as we wanted. by the end of the night, all of us (including luke) were too drunk to drive to our respective parts of town, so the bar owner called us a cab to the holiday inn up the street and we made the night into a huge drunken slumber party.

 

while we thought everyone else was asleep, luke and i were up until 6 in the morning, talking and laughing. we began kissing and we knew what was about to happen so we got up and went back to his apartment. we slept together. neither of us showed up to work the next morning.

 

i kept bringing up his wife to him in the days following our first encounter. he insisted that they weren't together, that they hadn't been together in over a year, that the only reason why he hadn't gotten a divorce yet was because he was going to have to pay her alimony although she made more money than him as a dancer, and that i shouldn't care because "it was just a piece of paper".

 

i didn't want to be that girl...the other woman...but i am her. 4 months have passed and we're still sleeping together. people at work know now: some of the girls that were in the room the night we left for his place were awake and saw us leave together at 7 in the morning and not come to work that day so they pretty much knew what the deal was. that has made work very complicated because we are not supposed to date AT ALL. he's told me that he loves me and we are in what seems to be a committed relationship...i'm at his apartment every night, he picks my son up from school everyday, we do genuinely love each other. there is a 7 year age gap...i'm 20, he's 27, but its never been a problem. we work. we seem to fit.

 

but i can't get past the fact that he's married. he keeps telling me not to worry, that he'll be divorced before june...he even told his wife about me and that he loves me...she started crying over the phone. but i feel guilty. i know i'm wrong and i know he's wrong. but this is the first time i've ever felt loved. the only other man i've felt this way about is my son's father and we are not together...haven't been for 5 years. luke treats me like a queen. i've never felt this way about anyone before...but i'm scared. i can't help but to think that i'm setting myself up for disaster. that he's going to leave me and go back to his wife even though he says its over. that karma's going to come back and bite me in the ass for knowingly sleeping with a married man who hasn't even begun divorce proceedings. i don't know what to do. do i follow my head or my heart?

[CarrieT]

You know the answer, Follow Your Head.

 

But like most OW, you won't and you'll remain the Other Woman for months and months (or YEARS?) and then come back here and bemoaning your fate.

 

Only you have the strength to quench it now and shut it down. If it is meant to be (because they always tell you that), you will still be there when/if he actually does get a divorce. And if he doesn't than it was not meant to be and he is having his cake and eating it (and YOU!) too....

[dreamingoftigers]

If it's just "a piece of paper" then he should get rid of it, right?

[jthorne]

If it's just "a piece of paper" then he should get rid of it, right?

My thoughts exactly.

 

Something's fishy here. He's been living apart from her for 2 years, but separated for one? So they took a whole year living apart to decide to get separated? Is it even a legal separation? And now separated another year, but no divorce or even proceedings started? If he's working in a strip club as a dj, it's not like there are tons of assets to divide or legal complications to work through.

 

Either way, he's gone this long without a D. If you stay with him, what incentive does he have to get one?

[norajane]

It seems to me you have three priorities in your life:

 

Your son

Nursing school

Your job

 

Having an affair with this guy seems to threaten all three of those priorities.

 

Having an affair with a MM from your job where you are not supposed to date co-workers can get your fired. Lose your job, then how do you pay for nursing school? Lose your job and nursing school, then how do you take care of your son?

 

Not to mention, getting your son attached to a MM who may never get a divorce is bad news for your son.

 

So, basically, if you won't stop seeing him for your own emotional health, you need to think of whether your son's well-being, your education and your job are worth continuing this dead-end relationship. And then decide what kind of woman you want to be.

[Tommy's Girl]

I'm not going to pretend I've gone through anything like this, but when I read your story this is what I thought : If he loves you as much as you say, it might be difficult to do, but you might want to break up with him until he's actually goes through with a divorce. That will give you a better perspective of how much he wants a divorce vs. having only you. Also, you won't be wasting your time waiting for something that might not happen. Take a break (maybe a permanent break) from the MM and make your son your priority now. Sorry you're going through this.

[vernitagreen]

It seems to me you have three priorities in your life:

 

Your son

Nursing school

Your job

 

Having an affair with this guy seems to threaten all three of those priorities.

 

Having an affair with a MM from your job where you are not supposed to date co-workers can get your fired. Lose your job, then how do you pay for nursing school? Lose your job and nursing school, then how do you take care of your son?

 

Not to mention, getting your son attached to a MM who may never get a divorce is bad news for your son.

 

So, basically, if you won't stop seeing him for your own emotional health, you need to think of whether your son's well-being, your education and your job are worth continuing this dead-end relationship. And then decide what kind of woman you want to be.

 

but my son adores him. he treats my son as if he's his own. he's there for him when my school and work keeps me from being at any school function, doctors appointment, etc. seeing them together makes me happy because i grew up without a father and to see my son have something even reminiscent of a father figure makes me happier than ever. growing up without a dad sucks. i wont let my son call him dad for fear of him getting attached too soon but he slips up and calls him daddy in front of me every now and again.

 

before luke, i barely had time to study. i was going to work at 6 in the evening, getting off at 6 in the morning, taking my son to school at 7:30 in the morning, sleeping until 11, going to class until 3, picking up my son, dropping him off at my mom's house at 3:30, sleeping until 6, and studying in the dressing room when i could all night. now luke picks up my son and drops him off to school, i get to take more days off, i'm doing better in school, and i get to see more of my son.

 

work is a lot more complicated though. people gossip about us all of the time. some of my coworkers are friends with his wife and they go back and tell her when we've been working together, what they've seen at work, etc. and she comes back to him with it. i could always go to another club but i don't want to have to do that. i have time invested there.

[norajane]

but my son adores him. he treats my son as if he's his own. he's there for him when my school and work keeps me from being at any school function, doctors appointment, etc. seeing them together makes me happy because i grew up without a father and to see my son have something even reminiscent of a father figure makes me happier than ever. growing up without a dad sucks. i wont let my son call him dad for fear of him getting attached too soon but he slips up and calls him daddy in front of me every now and again.

 

Yes, that's exactly the problem. Your son is already too attached to a man who is married to someone else.

[Tommy's Girl]

but my son adores him. he treats my son as if he's his own. he's there for him when my school and work keeps me from being at any school function, doctors appointment, etc. seeing them together makes me happy because i grew up without a father and to see my son have something even reminiscent of a father figure makes me happier than ever. growing up without a dad sucks. i wont let my son call him dad for fear of him getting attached too soon but he slips up and calls him daddy in front of me every now and again.

 

before luke, i barely had time to study. i was going to work at 6 in the evening, getting off at 6 in the morning, taking my son to school at 7:30 in the morning, sleeping until 11, going to class until 3, picking up my son, dropping him off at my mom's house at 3:30, sleeping until 6, and studying in the dressing room when i could all night. now luke picks up my son and drops him off to school, i get to take more days off, i'm doing better in school, and i get to see more of my son.

 

work is a lot more complicated though. people gossip about us all of the time. some of my coworkers are friends with his wife and they go back and tell her when we've been working together, what they've seen at work, etc. and she comes back to him with it. i could always go to another club but i don't want to have to do that. i have time invested there.

 

 

It was probably a mistake to introduce the son to a married man but what's done is done. The fact that your son adores him makes the situation even worse. If the man can't commit to you, he can't commit to your son. I'm trying to remember when I was 20 years old. LOL - I'm sure I would be wrapped in the drama like this too. Of course, I didn't have a kid. The more attached your son gets to this man, the worse it will hurt the innocent child things don't work out. You admitted the relationship is wrong. How is this helping your son if it stays wrong?

[BB07]

Well I'm going to be the dissenting voice here.

 

To the OP.....I didn't see you mention any time he spent with the STBX nor did I see you mention that he talks with her and you didn't mention any reason to think that he is unfaithful to you. If you are basing the feelings of being an OW just on the fact that he hasn't got a divorce yet, you might be barking up the wrong tree.

 

Two years is not unusual and if I were you I'd give him until June to see if he does what he says. It's really not long at all.....just a few months. If June comes and goes and he hasn't taken that final step, why not sit down with him and have a heart to heart and tell him how you feel and how happy him getting the divorce would make you.

[Phateless]

This is a tough one, and you just have to trust your gut. Ordinarily I would agree with the others and say not to stick around, but based on what you described, I think you should set an expiration date.

 

He said he would be divorced by June. If July rolls around and he is still married, tell him it's over until he is LEGALLY single.

 

For now, I think you should trust your instincts. If they say trust him, then do. But keep your eyes open!

[bentnotbroken]

"I can't get over the fact he's married"..........sure you can. You have gotten over it each and every time you have slept with him. You have gotten over it each and every time you allowed him to become more involved with your child. You have gotten over each and every time you say "he's married, but.." then you continue your relationship. So what is it you are really trying to figure out?

[aerogurl87]

I agree with everyone else, if it's "just a piece of paper" then he can get rid of it and legally be a free, single man again if his marriage isn't supposedly working. In the meantime break up with him and protect your son from the possible fallout of him stringing you along for the next few months or maybe even years, only to find out he's never going to get a divorce.

[vernitagreen]

Well I'm going to be the dissenting voice here.

 

To the OP.....I didn't see you mention any time he spent with the STBX nor did I see you mention that he talks with her and you didn't mention any reason to think that he is unfaithful to you.

 

that's because he doesn't. they don't speak unless she calls him. they don't live together. he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him. his wife knows about me. she even knows that we genuinely care for each other and that he doesn't want to be with her.

 

any other time, i'd probably be more willing to walk away..but he's so damn honest and open with me. he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him. there's no cloak and dagger, no second cell phones, none of that...he's just MARRIED.

[CrissyQ]

Being that I myself am a veteran dancer,listen to me when I tell you this is going NO WHERE!Sorry but come on you are a dancer and he is a dj at a STRIP CLUB,he has done it with another girl before most likely NUMEROUS.

 

Rule number one for me and my only rule DO NOT **** WHERE YOU EAT!

meaning no dating owner,supervisor,dj's or any staff of the club!

[vernitagreen]

Can I ask how old your son is?

 

And after only dating Luke 4 months, I am concerned about you letting him pick up your son and your son getting attached to him.

 

He is married...paper or not.

 

Let him get divorced since is it just a piece of paper. IF his wife does make more than him, I highly doubt a judge is going to make him pay alimony. Additionally, alimony isn't a guaranteed right; if he consulted with an attorney, he would know that.

 

Please protect your son if you must continue to date him while he is married. You are your son's only parent. His welfare must come first.

 

my son is 5. he was born when i was 15. luke is the first man in my life i've ever let him meet aside from his father.

 

he had met my son prior to our romantic involvement, in the time that we were just friends. but when we started dating, he began picking up and dropping off my son as a favor on the nights that we spent together so that i could get more sleep, and now its just part of a routine.

 

luke insists that because strippers don't have verifiable incomes, he will have to pay alimony to his wife because legally, he's the only one who ever had a verifiable income throughout their marriage, even though as a dancer she has always made more money than him. he also says that because she has proof of his infidelity, he's most likely going to have to pay her alimony.

[2sunny]

that's because he doesn't. they don't speak unless she calls him. they don't live together. he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him. his wife knows about me. she even knows that we genuinely care for each other and that he doesn't want to be with her.

 

any other time, i'd probably be more willing to walk away..but he's so damn honest and open with me. he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him. there's no cloak and dagger, no second cell phones, none of that...he's just MARRIED.

 

so date him when his divorce becomes FINAL. if he loves you that much he'll make it happen. until then, step away and wait for him to SHOW you what his priorities really are... otherwise - it appears he's only using you for his own selfish means.

[vernitagreen]

Being that I myself am a veteran dancer,listen to me when I tell you this is going NO WHERE!Sorry but come on you are a dancer and he is a dj at a STRIP CLUB,he has done it with another girl before most likely NUMEROUS.

 

Rule number one for me and my only rule DO NOT **** WHERE YOU EAT!

meaning no dating owner,supervisor,dj's or any staff of the club!

 

i know...i've heard this so many times before...i knew better but i gave in. everyone tells me the same thing but i don't know what to believe...

[norajane]

i know...i've heard this so many times before...i knew better but i gave in. everyone tells me the same thing but i don't know what to believe...

 

Some men stay married as an excuse to not commit to anyone else.

[ADF]

I don't know this man, but I would be genuienly shocked if he ever got divorced. Why would he? With things the way they are, he has the security and stability his marriage provides, plus a hot GF in the side. He has no incentive to change anything.

 

Frankly, most men in situations like yours end up dumping the OW and going back with their wives. Not because they necessarily care more for their wives, but because staying married is just so much easier. Divorce means vicious legal battles, lawyer's fees, and possible financial ruin from a bad settlement. The costs of dumping the OW are usually far less.

[skylarblue]

Only 3 or 4 girls for dayshift…gosh, that’s sounds like neighborhood, rinky-dink dive bar, but I digress…Most guys don’t leave their W for the OW, but a few do particulary when the M is already over and the couple has been living separately and separately lives prior to the OW. And if they are truly separated, I don’t think he’s wrong or you’re wrong. Plenty of people are separated, married by paper only, and date and have normal Rs while the D is being finalized. I find it odd though that he tells you he’ll be divorced before June (I’ve never been married. Can you get a D in 2mos?), but hasn’t started D proceedings and that he is so certain and quick as to give you a date after 4mos of dating, but was staying married for a least a year after their R simply to keep from possibly paying alimony. Sounds weird…

 

I say keep seeing him. If he really is divorcing wait and see. Its only 2mos. See if he’s a liar or not. If he is, then dump him. If he does get a D, then you got as you wanted. But damn, at least enjoy the 2mos and be happy than feeling guilty that some guy who is separated told his W he’s dating someone. As far as losing your job, I don’t know where you live, but strippers and strip clubs here are a dime a dozen and not hard to find. I’ve been a dancer. You can easily bring your clientele with you.

[2sunny]

Only 3 or 4 girls for dayshift…gosh, that’s sounds like neighborhood, rinky-dink dive bar, but I digress…Most guys don’t leave their W for the OW, but a few do particulary when the M is already over and the couple has been living separately and separately lives prior to the OW. And if they are truly separated, I don’t think he’s wrong or you’re wrong. Plenty of people are separated, married by paper only, and date and have normal Rs while the D is being finalized. I find it odd though that he tells you he’ll be divorced before June (I’ve never been married. Can you get a D in 2mos?), but hasn’t started D proceedings and that he is so certain and quick as to give you a date after 4mos of dating, but was staying married for a least a year after their R simply to keep from possibly paying alimony. Sounds weird…

 

I say keep seeing him. If he really is divorcing wait and see. Its only 2mos. See if he’s a liar or not. If he is, then dump him. If he does get a D, then you got as you wanted. But damn, at least enjoy the 2mos and be happy than feeling guilty that some guy who is separated told his W he’s dating someone. As far as losing your job, I don’t know where you live, but strippers and strip clubs here are a dime a dozen and not hard to find. I’ve been a dancer. You can easily bring your clientele with you.

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

why does all this look back wards?

 

ask yourself - is this what you would ultimately want your daughter to choose for herself?

[CarrieT]

i know...i've heard this so many times before...i knew better but i gave in. everyone tells me the same thing but i don't know what to believe...

 

Do you realize what a contradiction this is?

 

You have "heard this so many times" because it is TRUE.

 

You KNEW BETTER, but gave in.

 

Everyone tells you the same thing BUT you don't know what to believe?

 

How can you not know what to believe when you just said that you KNOW BETTER?

 

You DO know what to believe, but you are CHOOSING to take the easy route of getting laid and possibly/probably getting hurt in the long run instead of hurting now.

 

Just be honest with yourself that you don't really want our help; you want validation to continue in the relationship with its excuses and rationales.

[skylarblue]

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

why does all this look back wards?

 

ask yourself - is this what you would ultimately want your daughter to choose for herself?

 

Would I want my daughter to be a dancer? Absolutely not. Even though I was and loved being a dancer I still think it is a dirty and degrading business no matter how “upscale” the club is. Would I want my daughter to date an emotionally and physically separated MM? No problem if that is what he truly is. Would I want my daughter to date a MM after his purposed D date? No, I'd have a big problem with that, but vernitagreen seems to be feeling guilty when she has done nothing wrong (minus the no co-worker R rule if there's one in place). I can understand that she may feel worry he may go back to his W, but if she is staying with him for the time being enjoy the moment and just see if he does as he says.

[jwi71]

He can't divorce her because she makes more than him but he can't prove it so he'll pay alimony. On top of that, he has PROOF of his cheating and he'll have to pay alimony.

 

The rules and laws of alimony vary by state - ask a lawyer. My guess is the verifiable income gap is not so much as to trigger alimony - or make a significant difference. And cheating has ZERO to do with alimony. At best, "grey area" marital assets MIGHT go to her in this case - likely not. Wanna know why...most judges don't give a d@mn if he cheats. Again, a lawyer will tell how the judges lean.

 

He's simply fed you some BS which you happily swallowed.

 

I tell you what...go on and tell him you are going to call his W in order to hopefully talk this out and "be nice" in the divorce...tell us his reaction ok?