The only away around...is through.

[mikeymad]

I'm not sure what it is that came over me. Since emotions weren't running high and I seemed more "level", I sought to at least end things on a positive note. I sent a short email this weekend to her parents, thanking them for all they had done over the years and for welcoming me into the family. I also explained that I felt I was honoring them and my stbxw by doing what was appropriate to address any issues and for fighting for this marriage.

 

Come today, I get a seething message from exhexw saying that I am to stop manipulating her family and that she's aware of my "scams" (don't understand how that fits in). She threatened me with a harassment suit and basically said that "they" want nothing to do with me, and for me to leave them alone.

 

I guess being civil went right out the window, and look what it got me. I was upset momentarily for the brutality of her message (she subsequently blocked me online), but since that has passed, it's a mixture of amazement and sadness that this woman has her head so far up her butt ( Craniorectal inversion syndrome ) It is absolutely ridiculous how much gaslighting she has done to me, and i'm sure the stories she tells others I might as well be an axe murdering, child molesting stalker who doesn't pay his taxes, gets 13 items in the 10 items or less line, and doesn't give so much as a courtesy flush.

 

It's sad it has come to this. I guess you can wish this and wish that and try to avoid all the pain and problems that come from a relationship, but in reality, the only way around them.....is through.

[mikeymad]

The moral of the story...don't be a dumbazz like me. If there's a way to screw up in this process, I've probably done it and then some.

[You Go Girl]

13 items in the 10 or less line?

no courtesy flush?

 

Look at it this way, who still has their sense of humor, and who has none?

 

I'd rather be the person with their sense of humor still intact!

[mikeymad]

Dad always said laughter was the best medicine.

 

I guess that's why several of us died of tuberculosis.

 

 

But in all honesty, sometimes you have to either laugh or cry. And i'm fresh outta tears.

[onedayatatyme]

Looks like you're getting to the same realization I made about a month ago, that she's out of control and simply sees a totally separate reality from you. There is no way to find middle ground in that situation. I just is what it is.

[floridapad]

Mike,

 

you didn't srew up. You had to do what you felt you had to do to let her know you wanted things to work. If anything you did the right thing because it let you know just where her head is at and just how F'd up and uncaring a person she truly is. This is her. In hard times this is who she is. You definately don't want to raise a family with a woman who is like that. Perhaps, you had to see that for yourself.

[mikeymad]

ODAAT-

Yep, I think i reached that point you did. You can't rationalize with someone who isn't rational.

 

FLpad-

Yes, it's unfortunate she took it that way, but it's not my job to try and figure out how exactly she will take it. I put it out there and let the chips fall where the did. How are you holding up? I still need to make it out there, and hopefully will have some good news on the horizon.

[sumdude]

Yeah it tends to really pi** off the cheaters and liars when any inkling of truth rears it's head. Their finely woven fabric of utter BS might get a little rip in it. When my ex tried to lay BS down about me to people who really knew me she was blown outta the water. In fact she lost a couple of her longtime friends during our separation because of it.

 

Everyone in her new life? God only knows what they've heard about me. I know she accused me of being the cheater, maybe even physical abuse. Neither of which ever happened. She made darn sure non of those people ever saw or heard anything from me.

 

It's just not worth the effort when you realize that anyone who builds a new life on a foundation of lies can't really be happy or ever sleep that well. Eff 'em...who needs it.

Edited April 12, 2010 by sumdude

[LisaUk]

She threatens you with a harressment charge, so, YOU threaten her with a defermation suit. Tell the B***h that if you hear of her communicating defamatory untruths about you and abuse etc that you will sue her for damage to your character! See how she likes those tomatos!

 

(PS, she doesn't need to know it is too expensive to bring a suit in deferamtion! Hey, get you lawyer to threaten it in writing, even better! LOL)

 

EDIT - oh and by the way, if the US law is same as UK, harressment is a criminal procedding not civil and can only be brought by the prosecution service, you would have to be guilty of inflicting servere stress that caused her to fear for her physical safety on more than ONE occasion, which would result in an injunction (restrainig order) not damages. In other words she is talking s**t, but give her what she wants and NC her you don't wnat her trying to pull it in any case.

Edited April 12, 2010 by LisaUk

[trippi1432]

Mikey, don't sweat the small stuff. It's posted back on my threads over 7 months ago when my STBXH did the same thing to me. Threatened me if I contacted his family....heck, they were calling me.

 

His mom finally stopped calling me back in January and his sister stopped calling me around that same time (right after I gave her the money she needed for her state exam CNA certification). She's getting married this month, and hasn't even bothered to call.

 

Everyone winds up feeling caught in the middle at a point in time. My STBXH and his GF are slowly working his family over...it's just the way it works. Being an only child, I lost an entire family (nieces, nephews, sisters and brothers), not just my ex.

 

Keep this in mind, when things don't work out for her...it will be her family that will tell her..."Well, you had it all, but you blew it."

[unsureLP]

 

It's sad it has come to this. I guess you can wish this and wish that and try to avoid all the pain and problems that come from a relationship, but in reality, the only way around them.....is through.

 

I couldn't agree with you more. It sounds like you are coming out the other side now. Or at least you're beginning to see the light.

 

Lies beget more lies and eventually the bottom will give out. Her new life will crumble and she will fall as far as the lies she built up. Even if no one else sees it, she will and it will make her miserable knowing it was her fault.

[mikeymad]

Right now I couldn't care less about what's going on. She's tried to impose some weird sense of what I am, and I'm not having it anymore. I'm not tying my self worth to what she thinks of me.

 

I had big plans when we met. Not for her, or us, but for myself. I was going to accomplish great things and help many people and be a big success (note that doesn't mean monetarily, but getting paid fairly for how you contribute to society isn't wrong either), but it was almost as if she wanted to hold me back. "I'm just being a realist" is what she told me, as if my goals and dreams were too lofty. It was almost like she had this success/money complex that we couldn't be successful because that would change who we are (I think i mentioned hiring someone to mow the lawn, so I could spend my time doing more important things that would either add to my success, or spending time with her, and she thought that was "uppity") so she constantly said she would be happy barely making it by. Ironic thing is, when things got tough, now all of a sudden money is an issue.

 

I don't mean to be nitpicky, but I guess her being a stone cold bitch to me today made me snap out of my daze. I can look at things more clearly now. I don't expect to be out of this, but I guess it should be the last thing I thank her for.

 

and PS. Screw waiting around for her. I made a decision, and now I have a date coming up

[You Go Girl]

Hey Mike--good to see you feeling more confident and more fighting for yourself.

Something tells me, with her not liking you trying to succeed at that career idea, that she hasn't been comfortable in the marriage longer than suspected. I have no idea why, or what she thinks, so understanding it any further is beyond me.

As for the note you sent her parents--there's nothing wrong with it. You said your peace. You made no manipulative or vindictive comments. It was strictly between you and them. Leave it at that. They will remember that as your possibly last contact with them for who knows how long, maybe even forever. If so, you ended your relationship with them on a positive note, and no hateful things she says can change that.

Congrats on the date. Just go with the thinking --that if you can have a pleasant time, no other expectations, it will be a success. Communicating in a positive way with another female will be good for you. Maybe it will even be a lucky enough pick that the two of you will see eye to eye on a thing or two. Whatever it turns out to be, there isn't any baggage between you and this date. That alone should feel good. And you won't be alone on that friday night or whenever it is.

It's Spring! We all need to love life even through our difficult times just as much as it makes us happy to see the leaves come back on the trees. (maybe grow a few leaves of our own).

[mikeymad]

Thanks YGG

I guess I was just tired of being a glutton for punishment and not see any sort of result come from it. I bent over backwards for 6 months before she pulled the plug, and look what it got me. Yes, she was thinking things were over in july when we went to counseling (she said it just reaffirmed we were "incompatible" = no need to try) and waited till december to pull the plug. Actually, she wrote to me that when I decided to do my internship 4 weeks after we were married she decided we were done. WOW. This jekyll and hyde thing was getting to be too much. I even believe now that when she had her EA/PA and "knew I'd find out, and she wanted to tell me but didn't know how".....that was pure BS! She just wanted me to end it so she wouldn't have that guilt on her plate. Talk about f***ed up.

I'm sure that the letter to her parents was probably misinterpreted by them, and it will filter down through the family, as her mom is a gossip queen and loves to talk behind people's backs.

[mikeymad]

Thanks YGG

I guess I was just tired of being a glutton for punishment and not see any sort of result come from it. I bent over backwards for 6 months before she pulled the plug, and look what it got me. Yes, she was thinking things were over in july when we went to counseling (she said it just reaffirmed we were "incompatible" = no need to try) and waited till december to pull the plug. Actually, she wrote to me that when I decided to do my internship 4 weeks after we were married she decided we were done. WOW. This jekyll and hyde thing was getting to be too much. I even believe now that when she had her EA/PA and "knew I'd find out, and she wanted to tell me but didn't know how".....that was pure BS! She just wanted me to end it so she wouldn't have that guilt on her plate. Talk about f***ed up.

I'm sure that the letter to her parents was probably misinterpreted by them, and it will filter down through the family, as her mom is a gossip queen and loves to talk behind people's backs.

Whatever. I choose the paridoxical commandments.

 

 

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.

Love them anyway.

 

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.

Do good anyway.

 

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.

Succeed anyway.

 

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

 

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.

Be honest and frank anyway.

 

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.

Think big anyway.

 

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.

Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

 

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.

Build anyway.

 

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.

Help people anyway.

 

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.

Give the world the best you have anyway.

[onedayatatyme]

Mikey,

 

You sure have turned the corner quick just like I did. Good for you. Don't feel bad if you still have rough days ahead. You will still be on the roller coaster and a little backsliding is OK.

 

If you find yourself thinking about the woman she used to be and the love you used to have and wondering if she is thinking the same thing, just call her and take another helping of abuse for 5 minutes. That should clear your head.

[phineas]

Yeah it tends to really pi** off the cheaters and liars when any inkling of truth rears it's head. Their finely woven fabric of utter BS might get a little rip in it. When my ex tried to lay BS down about me to people who really knew me she was blown outta the water. In fact she lost a couple of her longtime friends during our separation because of it.

 

Everyone in her new life? God only knows what they've heard about me. I know she accused me of being the cheater, maybe even physical abuse. Neither of which ever happened. She made darn sure non of those people ever saw or heard anything from me.

 

It's just not worth the effort when you realize that anyone who builds a new life on a foundation of lies can't really be happy or ever sleep that well. Eff 'em...who needs it.

 

I was thinking of this the other day. All her friends & family that I made an effort to accept over the last 7 yrs are now getting to meet OM.

 

I KNOW she has told them all kinds of crap about me & how much of a "psycho" I am.

 

The only conclusion is she is introducing OM as someone she recently me & he is just so much better than the nightmare she married.

 

It bothered me. Then I realized, I never really like those people to begin with. LOL!

[trippi1432]

Whatever. I choose the paridoxical commandments.

 

 

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.

Love them anyway.

 

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.

Do good anyway.

 

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.

Succeed anyway.

 

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

 

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.

Be honest and frank anyway.

 

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.

Think big anyway.

 

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.

Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

 

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.

Build anyway.

 

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.

Help people anyway.

 

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.

Give the world the best you have anyway.

 

 

Good paridoxical commandments. :)

[mikeymad]

unfortunately i have been given these circumstances that I cannot change. As much as she hurt me, I still love her on some level. That is taking the high road. I cannot let anger become the defining element of my personality, even though it is covered up by hurt, and eventually it will seep its way out.

 

It's a sad end to a happy time in my life, one so full of promise and potential. I know I have much love to give. It's not fair to the world to keep it bottled up inside, and for me to keep playing small.

 

Today is still a rough day, because as I walk down this path, I keep looking back, only to see no one following me.

Edited April 13, 2010 by mikeymad

[floridapad]

Mike

 

Anger most definately cannot be a part of your personality but it will be if you let it sit inside and not release it. It is ok to feel anger and blow up as long as its done in a healthy manner. Alone or venting to a friend is a must. BUT BUT BUT you must learn to forgive or the anger will become resentment and the resentment is the subtle monster that burys itself deep with in. She was your W you still have some degree of care for her but these are her choices which you have no control over and the only thing you can do is to forgive, pray, and let go. If you want to.

 

I read somewhere that in these situations when you find the resentment building underneath to pray that the other person finds their happiness just as YOU will find your happiness. I find that when I pray that she becomes happy in the same manner that I deserve to be it takes the resentment away.

 

Now having said that my STBXW is still a loony beatch :-).

 

BTW I loveed onedayatatimes advice to call the W. Hysterical. Oddly enough it kind of helps when my STBXW is a beatch to me. It reminds me of the immature selfish child she is down inside and it really makes me feel a bit sorry for her sometimes.

Edited April 15, 2010 by floridapad

[WalkInThePark]

I'm not sure what it is that came over me. Since emotions weren't running high and I seemed more "level", I sought to at least end things on a positive note. I sent a short email this weekend to her parents, thanking them for all they had done over the years and for welcoming me into the family. I also explained that I felt I was honoring them and my stbxw by doing what was appropriate to address any issues and for fighting for this marriage.

 

Come today, I get a seething message from exhexw saying that I am to stop manipulating her family and that she's aware of my "scams" (don't understand how that fits in). She threatened me with a harassment suit and basically said that "they" want nothing to do with me, and for me to leave them alone.

 

I guess being civil went right out the window, and look what it got me. I was upset momentarily for the brutality of her message (she subsequently blocked me online), but since that has passed, it's a mixture of amazement and sadness that this woman has her head so far up her butt ( Craniorectal inversion syndrome ) It is absolutely ridiculous how much gaslighting she has done to me, and i'm sure the stories she tells others I might as well be an axe murdering, child molesting stalker who doesn't pay his taxes, gets 13 items in the 10 items or less line, and doesn't give so much as a courtesy flush.

 

It's sad it has come to this. I guess you can wish this and wish that and try to avoid all the pain and problems that come from a relationship, but in reality, the only way around them.....is through.

 

I think it was wrong of you to contact her parents. It is all too fresh for the moment.

She wants a D. That means that she wants a life in which there is a considerable distance between you and her. For the moment she is restructuring her life, trying to find reference points. Most likely her family is one of the pillars for this. She does not want this pillar to be "contaminated" by you contacting her family. It makes her feel cornered and you push her in a defence position. Hence her mentioning harassment.

 

Back off. She does not want you anymore and the more you will insist, the uglier things will get. It is always extremely hard when someone wants to leave you. Heartbreaking. But there is nothing else you can do than accept it.

 

You can make a war of it or simply accept that it is over.

[mikeymad]

Probably was a poor choice. Oh well. I was able to go to her parents for advice before. I should've guessed they were "tainted" by her anyways. It was worth a last valient effort, but it probably put the final nail in the coffin. It's amazing how vindictive and childish people could be during this whole process. Just got a note from her lawyer that says that she refuses to give me any copies (digital by the way) of either our wedding pictures or the pictures of the last 5 years. Her reasoning is that she paid for the photographer for the wedding, so I don't deserve them, and really there are many pictures besides ones with her that I'd like from the past 5, since she took all of them.

 

I found this website, and it's kind of hillarious, as it chronicles the 5 common ways these people leave. http://www.madatoms.com/site/blog/5-worst-ways-to-break-up-with-someone/ I think I got a combo of the murder/suicide from her expecting to have me find out about her cheating, and when that didn't work she went to the forced fight.

 

*update- Finally decided to go out with a girl, and the date went ok last night. Not really a huge spark, and we were at a baseball game, so it was nice not to have to talk the entire time, although I felt I was overly carrying the conversation. Ended it cordially, no physical stuff. Awkward. Ha. I'm so bad at dating. I was probably trying too hard. Live and learn. But she wants to see me again tonight, so we'll see. Maybe I'm just not ready for this, and can't let anybody else in.

Edited April 17, 2010 by mikeymad

[You Go Girl]

 

She wants to see you again the very next day? Dude! Read the writing on the wall, she likes you.

[LisaUk]

Just got a note from her lawyer that says that she refuses to give me any copies (digital by the way) of either our wedding pictures or the pictures of the last 5 years. Her reasoning is that she paid for the photographer for the wedding, so I don't deserve them, and really there are many pictures besides ones with her that I'd like from the past 5, since she took all of them.

 

I'll be completely honest here. You are better off without this b***h.

 

she wants to see me again tonight, so we'll see.

 

She likes you! :bunny::love:

[mikeymad]

I beg to differ. Sends me a text "hey, i'm headed home and probly just gonna lay low and watch a movie. You can stop over for a bit if you want". Odd, but I brush it off. I get there round 8:30, she has new kitchen tables/chairs she can't figure out how to put together, so I take the liberty. Then we watch a movie (she sits on the opposite side of the couch) and proceeds to nod off. I know you're all going to say "well 11 is pretty late for a bunch of late 20somethings" ... I suggested maybe it was time for me to leave, and she didn't fight it at all. "sorry I'm so tired, i usually go to bed by 10." Strike 2 with this one. Oh well, have another "date" lined up for tomorrow, we'll see if she's more fun. I'm probably not being assertive enough, but it didn't seem like there were any hints there. Oh well.

Ha, I feel like at this point I should be writing "Dear (loveshack) Diary.....

Edited April 18, 2010 by mikeymad