victor63 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 so I have been married for almost 14 years and things really started to get bad in December. The wife is in love with another man. She has told me that she is not "in love" with me. We have three kids together and I don't want to lose my wife. She says that she has checked out of our relationship years ago. i have done several things to try to salvage our marriage but mostly have been counterproductive. I have checked her phone and seen many texts that have hurt me deeply. When I have confronted her about them she says that they are just words with no meaning that she is sending him. We weren't your typical couple. We would both fantasize about being with other people. We took it as far as creating profiles on various social networks. We both had felt that our relationship was secure. Now there seems to not even be a relationship between us other than the fact that we have kids. We both had started to chat and text other people and things in the bedroom were great. Better than they had been in years. I started to notice that my wife was always texting with this one guy. At first it didn't really bother me until I started to feel that it was consuming her. She would start to neglect me. She would tune the kids out sometimes too. This was all in about a two week time frame since she started to text the O.M. I confronted her and she told me that there were no feelings for this guy. I dropped it and let it continue for a few more days and I revisited the subject. That's when she hit me with it. She said she had strong feelings for the O.M. which she had never met. He lives about 10hrs from us. I asked if she loved him and she said that she wasn't sure that it was love. Fast forward to the end of last month. After one session of couples counseling and me trying my a$$ off to make things work. We decided to take our yearly vacation. We had agreed that she would not text or call the O.M. This was easier said than done her. She was miserable and crying. So I told her that he could call and text him once a day. I figured that I was showing her that i love her and I care about how she feels. At this point I made it clear that my vacation was ruined because of her and her actions. She kept on being miserable and it was as if I were a ghost in our vacation. I have been asking her to make a decision on who she wants to be with either him or me. She has been on the fence for months now and it is wearing me down to the point where I don't know how much further i can continue. I asked her if she rather i leave and her and the O.M. finish out the vacation together. I figured that if I offered she might refuse. She took me up on the offer but the O.M. was busy and could not make it there. She then started to question if it was any chemistry between her and the O.M. She told me that there was a chance that it was just all of the sweet talk that he was giving her and that she felt that she would not be able to make up her mind of who she wanted to be with without meeting him. I know that by this point I have made tons of mistakes but non as bad as the next one. I tell her that since we are both not having a good time on the vacation and that we are just fighting .. what if she left to go and meet him and that way she could have a answer for me about where we are going. She left for two days. I was in contact with her on and off. I tried to give her space although it was very difficult. When she returned she insisted and swears that nothing happened and that there wasn't any chemistry between them. That they get along more as friends. They went to his family's house because all of his family was gathered for Easter Sunday. I know that I should have never sent or allowed her to go and see him. But I'm doing this for us, my kids and the fact that we have put so much effort into our marriage. She has cheated on me before and I was emotionally attached before to another female. I feel that maybe I deserve all of this for the way that I have treated her in the past or for all of the neglect that i have given her. Now I'm going to leave my home and finally give her what she wanted which was space and time to think. I was thinking of doing the whole No Contact thing to see if she would miss me. I don't think that she will want me back. What I fear is that I may not want her back after all that she has put me thru. Right now I just want her back soo badly .. what do I do? I feel like such a fool and sometimes I want to belive what she says. But her actions aand the texts she sends to the O.M. make me feel as if she is putting him before me. i feel that i have already lost her. I hurt soo bad inside I just want her to be in love with me.
nobmagnet Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 :confused::confused: An "open" relationship. I dont understand much about it other than I couldnt do it myself. Do you love her?.........Because you cheated she cheated blah blah you dont have boundries. How can you even think you can reign her back? What a mess and with 3 children in the middle!! You both owe it to your children to work out what the hell you both want/need because to be in this situation is just wrong. Get to marriage guidance ASAP. If it doesnt work you might just be able to salvage a working relationship. Nobby
TroyNJ Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Good gosh mate, you have made every mistake in the book, you actually enabled her behavior, the ONLY chance you have is to mount a shock & awe attach which means make her accountable for her actions, make HER leave the house. You need to make her look at herself and see what she has done. Stop being a doormat, is that how you want to be looked at? Until you "man up" this woman will have no respect for you period.
Author victor63 Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 thanks Nobby and TroyNJ .. I know that I have made some royal mistakes. I really am in love with this girl and wish for things to work out. I had thought of makeing her leave the house but about 3 weeks ago I was laid off. So right now she is the bread winner and I'm just able to pay for the mortage and thats all. So I thought that it would be better for the kids to stay with her since she can provide meals for them. I know that I got myself into a HUGE mess. I wish that I could knock some sense into her .. (not physically) but geez! again thanks guys
nobmagnet Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 oh hun you are in a right Royal mess. you two need to talk. Not about splitting but about the mess you are in. make a packed for the kids sake to try to get help because its destroying what you have. I get you both seem to want to be open (relationship) or did but its clearly not working now is it??? stop planning ahead till you talk to her about you two. And dont leave. if you do you will be abandoning and you might lose some rights. separate rooms if need be. then get advice from a legal person if she isnt willing to try. nobby x
Author victor63 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 we both no longer want an open relationship. I ended up moving out in order to give her space. She keeps telling me that she is unsure of what she wants. Man this sucks! I'm lost!!!
Author victor63 Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 well we have been talking. I did bring up the subject of going and seeking further professional help. She is looking into it because at this time she's the only one with insurance. But I took that as a small positive (not trying to get my hopes up) at least she seems to be open to it. She isn't really seeing the OM since he is 10hrs away. They do talk and text all day long. I mean all day. We're talking from 5:30 a.m. till about 10 or 11 p.m. (I've been checking the call logs on-line). I have asked her to stop and I have not been able to pry her away from him.
cyabye Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Unless she ends ALL contact, you should give up all hope and concentrate on you and those poor kids. Open relationship? Man I am not going there. cya
Author victor63 Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 well thanks to all for the advice. I'm just loosing my mind. I've been spending time with my kids more and that seems to make me feel better.
Passion4Life Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 well thanks to all for the advice. I'm just loosing my mind. I've been spending time with my kids more and that seems to make me feel better. well my friend if your situation continues like this , it is going to be worse . As she has already said she is not in love with you , now u have to ask her if she really wants to change the way she feels , if yes then the other man has to be completely gone from the picture . More you allow her to stay undecided & treat you like this , less chances you have for getting back . Stop being the only one to save the marriage , it will not work . Stand up for yourself no matter what happens . Best of luck
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