Don't know what else to do...

[kmm111]

So my husband finally gave me an ultimatum, saying I either stop contact w/my MM or my marriage is over. I don't blame him. I realized I cannot leave my H while the MM is still with his wife..I just don't have the strength and I would need him there for me during this process. I told the MM I do not want to continue the lies (lying to my H about talking to him), so the only other option seems to be NC. Over the weekend he said he would try and talk to his W about his feelings for me, but this morning he said he cannot muster up the strength to do so right now beacuse he knows it will cause her so much pain.

So we are going to try NC even though we work together and my office is right down the hall from his. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, but I have a feeling the sadness will set in soon, esp. when I don't see or talk to him for a few days. He is the one I am in love with right now, but if in reality we aren't going to be together, I feel like I need to get over him and try and work on my M. The MM said he will respect any decision I make.

I guess I'm just looking for some support. I don't want this, but I don't know what else to do. I just know I can't keep lying to my H; he deserves better.

[Fallen Angel]

This situation seems especially sad to me because you are staying with your husband out of cowardice, and your Mm is staying with him wife for the same reason. You will be miserable, your spouses will be miserable, and I fear that your marriages will fail ultimately anyway, despite your fear of leaving.

 

You and your MM deserve better than the half life you each have at home now, and your spouses definately deserve better than to spend their lives with people who are in love with other people. What a shame.

[kmm111]

This situation seems especially sad to me because you are staying with your husband out of cowardice, and your Mm is staying with him wife for the same reason. You will be miserable, your spouses will be miserable, and I fear that your marriages will fail ultimately anyway, despite your fear of leaving.

 

You and your MM deserve better than the half life you each have at home now, and your spouses definately deserve better than to spend their lives with people who are in love with other people. What a shame.

 

You're right, it definitely seems as though we are staying in our M's for the wrong reasons. The only possibility I can think of is that maybe without the OM in my life, I will see what my M truly means to me. If not, then this will only validate the fact that I should get out. Maybe it's just a way for the MM and I to delay the inevitable.

However, I know that my H has made great strides lately to fix our problems and be a better person, so the problems we originally had seem to be improving. The only thing that appears to be standing in the way of our M is the feelings I have for the OM.

[bentnotbroken]

Your H and his wife deserve more than to be married to two people without backbones. They deserved to be love for who they are and be with people who really love them, not people who are "pretending to give a crap" about them. If one of you grows a pair and leaves the other is out the door soon afterward, then two people will be left wondering ....that is so wrong on so many levels. If you are unhappy, then by all means go, but do not waste the life and love of people who have no choice in the matter because the two of you continue to "pine away" for some "lost love"

[bananalaffytaffy]

So my husband finally gave me an ultimatum, saying I either stop contact w/my MM or my marriage is over. I don't blame him. I realized I cannot leave my H while the MM is still with his wife..I just don't have the strength and I would need him there for me during this process. I told the MM I do not want to continue the lies (lying to my H about talking to him), so the only other option seems to be NC. Over the weekend he said he would try and talk to his W about his feelings for me, but this morning he said he cannot muster up the strength to do so right now beacuse he knows it will cause her so much pain.

So we are going to try NC even though we work together and my office is right down the hall from his. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted, but I have a feeling the sadness will set in soon, esp. when I don't see or talk to him for a few days. He is the one I am in love with right now, but if in reality we aren't going to be together, I feel like I need to get over him and try and work on my M. The MM said he will respect any decision I make.

I guess I'm just looking for some support. I don't want this, but I don't know what else to do. I just know I can't keep lying to my H; he deserves better.

Yes, your H DOES deserve better.

I certainly don't mean to judge you. But not only is this cowardly, it is beyond disrespectful to both your spouses.

I imagine your H must feel awful knowing that if your MM was getting a D, you'd be out the door. But since he's not right now, you're settling for him. How hurtful that must be for him.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I realized I cannot leave my H while the MM is still with his wife..I just don't have the strength and I would need him there for me during this process..

 

Just leave already...can you imagine how it feels to be on the other end of this? what a waste..

[Passion4Life]

This situation seems especially sad to me because you are staying with your husband out of cowardice, and your Mm is staying with him wife for the same reason. You will be miserable, your spouses will be miserable, and I fear that your marriages will fail ultimately anyway, despite your fear of leaving.

 

You and your MM deserve better than the half life you each have at home now, and your spouses definately deserve better than to spend their lives with people who are in love with other people. What a shame.

 

I agree with FA , u shouldn't stay in ur marriage if the reason is anything other than you want to save your marriage .

 

u said u can't leave ur H while MM is still with his wife , does that mean that u will leave ur H the moment MM is done with his wife ? If yes then it will be really selfish to stay with ur H & waiting for mm .

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Tell your H the truth about why you are staying so that he can make a decision about what he wants in life. Maybe he believes in you enough to ride it out while you stay no contact. Maybe he's had quite enough and would like to salvage what's left of his life and invest himself in a more worthwhile romantic interest.

 

I believe that you should be happy. I think that if you are at a point in your life that you would sacrifice your own H's happiness by being untruthful even after he has attempted to forgive your unfaithfulness then you are probably in need of counseling. Would you agree that you have no problem deceiving people you claim to love for your own benefit? Do you expect friends, family and romantic interest to deceive you in life altering ways in order to promote their own secret agenda? I mean do you consider that normal? Falling in or out of love is one thing, honestly, but deciding that others lives should be built on deceipt for your own comfort is despicable. Especially when that person has agreed to give you a second chance to try to work through your betrayal.

 

It really is high time to make a decision and stick to it. Your H doesn't deserve this treatment. Just be honest and let him know where he stands.

[herenow]

How would you feel if your H was just staying with you because the woman he truly loves won't leave her H for him?

 

If you have even the slightest bit of care in your heart for your H, you would tell him the truth and let him decide if he wants to stay married to a woman who loves another man.

[lolapalooza]

Over the weekend he said he would try and talk to his W about his feelings for me, but this morning he said he cannot muster up the strength to do so right now beacuse he knows it will cause her so much pain.

 

The MM said he will respect any decision I make.

This says to me that your MM really has no intention of leaving his W anyway. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you, he would have asked you to wait for him. And I think you know this too, otherwise you would not have reacted the way you did to your H's ultimatum. Just my observation.

 

Regardless, I hope your H finds someone in his life that will love and respect him as he deserves to be loved and respected- whether it is you or someone else.

[nobmagnet]

Good god woman!

 

 

if you cannot re read what you have just written and be ashamed there is nope hope for you:mad:

 

Your husband has given you a last chance and yet you still abuse and disrestect him!!!!!!!!

 

 

Let me get this straight......because i dont beleive what i read as correct.

 

You are married. He is married. He hasnt the boll*cks to leave his wife. You havent the boll*cks to leave your husband. Each are waiting for affirmation you are worth leaving your respective sposes for. Its stalemate.

 

 

Wake up.

 

If he felt enough for you he would leave. If you felt enough for him you would leave. END OF. (or do both your partners the respect enough to just go)

 

Stringing two innocent people into your childish games is pathetic. either grow some or stop.

As you say your husband is making good progress you should at least begin to respect him again and not fool around with the married man who probably has no intention of leaving his wife?

 

Cookcoo land darling thats where you are.

 

Im sorry if im harsh. But its even worse if there a children involved.....o my I do hope not.

 

Nobby.

[kmm111]

I don't mind hearing harsh comments. I don't know if I explained myself clearly, though. I have decided to go NC because I DO have some hope for my M. My other choice would be to continue on with the A and lie about it to my H. The MM would gladly do this, as this is what we've been doing all along. I do love my H and realize I have made many wrong choices thus far. I WANT to get over the MM but to do so, I know I must not have any contact with him. I feel like I have taken the first step I need to take, but maybe I am just completely delusional?

[Owl]

I'm going to make a "one better" solution to your "attempt" at NC.

 

There's no way at all that this will work if you're working that close to MM.

 

PERIOD.

 

Not gonna happen.

 

If you truly want to give your H a chance...and give your M a chance...and go NC...

 

 

...then you (or MM) need to leave the company.

 

One of the two of you needs to seek employment elsewhere.

 

Now...can you think of a BETTER way to tell your H that you're serious about rebuilding a marriage with him, than taking this huge step towards ending the affair???

 

If you just can't do so...then go to your H and ask him to file for divorce, because you're not going to end the affair.

 

I know that sounds harsh, but your situation really is this cut and dry.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I realized I cannot leave my H while the MM is still with his wife..I just don't have the strength and I would need him there for me during this process. I told the MM I do not want to continue the lies

 

I think this is the statement that causes concern. That kind of implies that you COULD leave your H if MM was leaving his W. Since MM is not, then you will have to try to make due with H for the time being. I say if you are honest with your H about that, then he can make his own choice on whether he thinks you're a good bet or not.

 

You also say that you don't want this (I'm assuming NC?) but that you have no choice. Unless you intend to let your H know that, then you are still lying to him.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't mind hearing harsh comments. I don't know if I explained myself clearly, though. I have decided to go NC because I DO have some hope for my M. My other choice would be to continue on with the A and lie about it to my H. The MM would gladly do this, as this is what we've been doing all along. I do love my H and realize I have made many wrong choices thus far. I WANT to get over the MM but to do so, I know I must not have any contact with him. I feel like I have taken the first step I need to take, but maybe I am just completely delusional?

 

 

I don't know about completely delusional, but you aren't too far from it. Saying that you are going NC for these reasons:

 

1)" I realize I can't leave H while MM is still with his wife." Translation: MM isn't going to leave his wife & I need him to because I don't have the nuts to do so just because I no longer want to be married.

 

2)" My H finally gave me an ultimatum"

translation: he is making me, not that I really want to save my marriage and I don't see any other option right now.

 

3) " I am tired of lying to my H about continuing to talk to him and he doesn't have the strength to hurt his wife:sick:"

Translation: We are only going to try NC because I really love him not my H. Translation I am going to hold on to the hope that we will eventually be together but I am going to keep the safety net I am married to for now.

 

4) "But in reality if we aren't going to be together I need to get over him and work on my marriage"

Translation: my H is the consolation (booby) prize.

 

5)" I don't want this, but I don't know what else to do" Translation, if he drops his wife I will be by his side in a hot minute.

 

I think that pretty much sums up what you said. I am paraphrasing of course.

[jennie-jennie]

This is the harsh reality for many MW in relationships with MM, since the MW seem to have an easier time divorcing than the MM.

 

Your other alternative to going NC and working on the marriage would be to divorce your husband and becoming the OW. And god only knows for how long.

 

That's what I did. I ended my relationship with my SO after 1 1/2 years of being in both relationships. Now I have been the OW for 3 years.

[whichwayisup]

If you want your marriage to work, and to be honest, I'm not sure if you do - Seems you're settling since MM isn't planning on exposing the A to his wife, let alone leave her, so you'd rather stick in marriage where you don't love your H, rather than just divorce your H and be alone.

 

QUIT YOUR JOB if you truly want your marriage to work. Your H will NEVER trust you as long as you work with your MM.

 

I'm suprised your H hasn't called MM's wife to let her know about the A.

[Fallen Angel]

If you want your marriage to work, and to be honest, I'm not sure if you do - Seems you're settling since MM isn't planning on exposing the A to his wife, let alone leave her, so you'd rather stick in marriage where you don't love your H, rather than just divorce your H and be alone.

 

QUIT YOUR JOB if you truly want your marriage to work. Your H will NEVER trust you as long as you work with your MM.

 

I'm suprised your H hasn't called MM's wife to let her know about the A.

 

That is an alternative as well. Call and expose the affair to his wife and tell your husband that you have continued in the affair all this time, in that way you will both be working from the same place, having both of your spouses knowing exactly where they stand. Then all four of you that are in this situation can make life choices with the thruth on the table.

 

In that way if you and your husband really want to work to repair your marriage then you are starting with as clean a slate as it will ever be able to be again. Same goes for your MM and his wife.

 

However what is more likely to happen is your MMs wife will kick him out, your husband will kick you out; you and MM can then attempt your relationship in earnest, and your former spouses are free to seek the love they desire from someone who can offer it to them. I'm just saying... *shrug*

[kmm111]

If you want your marriage to work, and to be honest, I'm not sure if you do - Seems you're settling since MM isn't planning on exposing the A to his wife, let alone leave her, so you'd rather stick in marriage where you don't love your H, rather than just divorce your H and be alone.

 

QUIT YOUR JOB if you truly want your marriage to work. Your H will NEVER trust you as long as you work with your MM.

 

I'm suprised your H hasn't called MM's wife to let her know about the A.

 

HIs wife is the one who actually found out about the A and she called my H. I believe his W is willing and/or trying to forgive him for it since there has been no sex involved (I know that an EA can even be worse, but I think that is her reasoning).

[whichwayisup]

Yes, EA's at times are more forgiveable, but they certainly do alot of damage either way.

 

KMM, start looking for another job.

 

What MM and his wife do or don't do isn't your concern..Time for you to focus on yourself and deciding if you want to prove to your H you're worthy of a second chance.

[nobmagnet]

I can only assume from you lack of responce from other OW?OM you dont like what you hear,

 

call me mean or callous if you like but i have asked people who are in affaires how they felt about the other significant other and most said they tried not to but when they did they felt bad. ( lizzie dont count she is special )

 

you appear to be all about you. Sh*t or get off the pot. you created this. your husband deserves either you walk away or stay.

 

I am not wishing you to be unhappy in any way but also you havent mentioned the other casualties in this mess. Children.

 

Stop putting you first.stop putting MM first if you wana leave..... leave.

 

mm should be summot you might have in the future ( i doubt it but it might be so)

 

nobby

[2sunny]

Don't know what else to do...

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

sure you do - you know EXACTLY what to do... and what NOT to do.

 

you just choose not to do the decent thing - even when you know your actions hurt the man you married. you make the selfish choice every time.

 

FINALLY - just do what's best for your H - divorce so you can stop causing him so much pain. this way you can ultimately do whatever you want - which is precisely what you've been doing all along anyway...

[Passion4Life]

Yes, EA's at times are more forgiveable, but they certainly do alot of damage either way.

 

KMM, start looking for another job.

 

What MM and his wife do or don't do isn't your concern..Time for you to focus on yourself and deciding if you want to prove to your H you're worthy of a second chance.

 

thats right , I think OP' husband is a decent man who is willing to stay with her despite her affair . Says a lot about him

[Hazyhead]

I think it's such a shame for your husband that he's still married to you. How can you stay with him feeling the way that you do? What is the point? You say that there is hope for your marriage but with the way your talk about your AP there isn't; you can't concentrate on one partner whilst still obsessed with another. Do something proactive for the sake of your husband. As for your affair partner - that's going nowhere as the two of you are cowards.

 

NC has to be wanted and you don't want it. I see this ending badly.

[jennie-jennie]

thats right , I think OP' husband is a decent man who is willing to stay with her despite her affair . Says a lot about him

 

Not necessarily. My abusive exSO was also willing to stay with me despite my affair.