Not sure how to handle this

[Zapbasket]

I've been seeing a guy for a bit shy of a month. We slept together for the first time last weekend and it was wonderful. We've slept together two more times since then, both times at his place since I have 3 roommates.

 

Here's the thing: I can feel that he's into me, and his mom told me that he thinks I'm a "remarkable lady," but he's a lot less...I dunno...aggressive than other guys I've dated. He's by no means a weak personality, but other than one dinner date and a trip to a hot springs he doesn't call to ask me to do stuff. He calls nearly every day, or texts, and he'll ask what I'm up to, and we banter around, and then he asks if I want to come over. Last week he was feeling unwell and I brought him soup and he loved that, and last night I came over and we ordered takeout and had sex and went to bed as he has to get up really early for work.

 

He seems into me and says he loves having sex with me and seems to enjoy our conversation and my company, but he didn't cuddle me once all night. GRanted he said he's not much of a snuggler as he likes to spread out in the bed when he sleeps. I'm fine with that, but then in the morning when he woke up and stayed in bed for a few minutes, he didn't spoon me or cuddle me, and I thought it was strange.

 

I can't really describe this vibe I get from him, but intuitively it makes me hold back. I did say to him last week a few days after our first time sleeping together that I liked him a lot and no matter what wanted to be his friend...but if he didn't feel like there was a possibility that we could have a real relationship I didn't want to get involved sexually with him. He asked me to clarify what I meant and I said, "You know how sometimes with a person you know from the get-go that there's no way you will have a relationship with them, but maybe you like them and having a fling suits your purposes for a time? If it's like that for you, then I'd rather us just concentrate on developing a friendship." And he said he understood and said that in fact, for him it was the opposite, meaning that he DID see relationship potential with me.

 

So here I am, and I guess I'm used to guys asking me out on dates and being really excited to have me wake up next to them in the morning, especially in the beginning. I'm trying to understand this guy and having a hard time as it's different from what I'm used to.

 

So do I bring this up with him? Or just leave it and see what happens? It's just that already I find myself checking my impulses--to snuggle with him, etc. I feel a bit ill at ease, even while I enjoy his company immensely...because I'm not sure what this vibe I'm getting from him means.

 

If you've read this far, can anyone help? Sorry this is so long. It's hard to articulate my thoughts on this.

[eraser]

It sounds like he's going to prolong this FWB situation as long as he can. Honestly, from what you've written, it doesn't seem like he's that into you at all. He seems into you when you're having sex with him or when there's a possibility of you having sex with him (what man wouldn't be?) and then his interest wanes as soon as it's over. Read what you wrote objectively. If you opened a thread here and someone said that their love interest didn't want to go out with them, refused to cuddle and all contact ended with the love interest asking them to "come over", what would you think?

[Zapbasket]

Yeah, that's what I fear. It's just that if that's the case, then why say it's not an FWB thing for him but rather "just the opposite"? The messages are mixed. I think I'm going to have to pull away from going to his place again and sleeping with him--if he asks, I'm thinking I'll have to just suggest something else, more of a "friend-zone" activity. The question is, do I just do that and not give a reason? Or do I talk to him about what I'm picking up on and give him a chance to clarify?

 

I know that both of us were really burned by previous relationships this past summer, and that's why I am happy for things to go slow. They just have to be going *somewhere*...and I don't want to get my feelings all entangled if in fact there's nothing there on his end. I know he likes me as a person and beyond that, I have no idea except that his mom told me he and she talked and she wants me to know that no matter what happens, her good feelings towards me personally and professionally don't change. Which suggested to me that he told her he was more serious about me, otherwise he'd have just told her we were just friends, and she'd not have felt the need to say to me what she did. (She's my boss, by the way.)

[Zapbasket]

Someone posted this in another thread.

 

O.K.

 

You're most likely way too focused on that goal of "being loved" when you first start a relationship or even date someone. That's way too early.

 

What you should be trying to do is just go out and date some people with the objective of relaxing, enjoying yourself, and having a good time.

 

This is key for you to realize.

 

The purpose of dating is to have fun, it's not supposed to be a torture test where you have to jump through a bunch of hoops so that the other person will love you.

 

So, when you ask someone out on a date, your focus really should be on just having a good time on that particular occasion, with that person--whether or not it leads to anything more serious, or not. IOW just trying to enjoy whatever it is you are doing right then.

 

IOW the date should be an end in itself, not a means to an end.

 

I don't think I'm in this with the focus of "being loved." I'm trying to be relaxed about the whole thing, but maybe my past relationship experiences are coloring my sense. I wanted to sleep with this guy, and so I did. I hadn't had sex in 9 months and I was attracted to him and so I decided to go for it. And it was great. But now I'm kind-of freaking out because I can't have sex with someone on a regular basis and not develop stronger romantic feelings for them, providing there's the sexual chemistry and I continue to enjoy the person's company.

 

I'm so afraid of getting burned again, and I don't want to bring up a whole bunch of emotionally laden stuff with this guy so early on...but I know I don't want to continue on this trajectory if he's not really into me. It's just not worth my time if that's the case as I really want a serious, committed relationship.

[torranceshipman]

Honestly, you need to be way more direct about what you want.

 

Say to him: I am getting the vibe from you that this is a pretty cool FWB, fun relationship. And it is fun-we have a cool time. But thing is, I am looking for a committed R, being part of a couple, so I guess we're maybe not too compatible with what we want. I think I need a few days to think about everything but maybe we can hang out later at the weekend, do something cool together then, and then have a chat (nothing heavy) and decide what we both want from there? (or something similar).

 

Honestly I used this approach with the last 3 guys I dated - 2 got kicked to the kerb instantly on seeing even a hint of this type of behavior, so I wasted none of my own time, they are still friends, and I still get the humor of them asking me out quite a bit still, as I think their ego's weren't used to the rejection (lol) and guy 3, I was so straight up with him from the get go, and he respected that, and now we live together and are very happy I often get mistaken for a guy in my posts and I do think I am more direct than the average girl but I think it pays off...

[eraser]

Yeah, that's what I fear. It's just that if that's the case, then why say it's not an FWB thing for him but rather "just the opposite"?

 

Guys will say a lot of things to get laid.

 

The messages are mixed.

 

To me, judging by his actions, it's quite clear what the message is.

 

I think I'm going to have to pull away from going to his place again and sleeping with him--if he asks, I'm thinking I'll have to just suggest something else, more of a "friend-zone" activity. The question is, do I just do that and not give a reason? Or do I talk to him about what I'm picking up on and give him a chance to clarify?

 

You can try to give him a chance to clarify, but I'm not so sure he'll be honest with you. Right now, he's content with the situation. He gets laid without having to be a boyfriend. I don't know the guy, but there's a chance he might string you along. You could maybe try to get into a very general conversation about relationships first and try to feel him out.

 

I know that both of us were really burned by previous relationships this past summer, and that's why I am happy for things to go slow. They just have to be going *somewhere*...and I don't want to get my feelings all entangled if in fact there's nothing there on his end. I know he likes me as a person and beyond that, I have no idea except that his mom told me he and she talked and she wants me to know that no matter what happens, her good feelings towards me personally and professionally don't change. Which suggested to me that he told her he was more serious about me, otherwise he'd have just told her we were just friends, and she'd not have felt the need to say to me what she did. (She's my boss, by the way.)

 

Why are you so sure that he told her that he wanted to pursue a relationship with you?

 

He could have just as easily said:

 

"I am still recovering from my last relationship and I don't feel comfortable getting emotionally involved with someone just yet."

 

"She's more into me than I am into her."

 

"She's a good girl, but she's not for me."

 

I'm not saying that it's 100% the above things, but any of those statements could have easily resulted in a, "No matter what happens between you and my son, I'll still like you..."

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for the replies. I'm on my way to a party and I'll think this over and come back. I feel pretty bummed that I gave him a chance to be honest about what he wanted, and I thought I WAS direct with him in saying that I don't want to continue sleeping together if this is only ever going to be a FWB thing...and he wasn't, seemingly, honest. If that is indeed the case and he's stringing me along, then I've lost so much respect for him....

 

I just don't understand why you'd pass the opportunity to be straightforward from the get-go. If he'd said, yeah, I just think of you as a FWB, then I'd have accepted it, hugely respected his honesty and integrity, and been glad to pursue a friendship with him secure in the knowledge that he respects my feelings. Now I feel really about it all. And a little used. I wish I'd refused to go over to his house yesterday and just said, I'd love to get together with you but on a DATE, not at your house. I even brought my computer because he said he had an article to finish. ANd then when I got there he turned his attention entirely to me, as I anticipated. But why all the bunk about needing to work, wanting me to come over, etc.--why not just make PLANS with me? Oh right, he's not interested. Why am I so moronic about these things?

 

Sorry, I just feel really bummed and stupid right now.

[terra]

awe, don't feel stupid! I think everyone on here gave you great advice.

I also think you have done all the right things so far, you were direct with him but I guess maybe more talking is necessary to clarify his actions.

I hope you had fun at the party!

[Zapbasket]

Now that I've had some time, I feel a bit more level about the situation. Still, I can't ignore the way our last get-together made me feel. I just can't think how to bring it up with him, or whether it's a good idea to do so. I'm not good at things like this as I generally make excuses for the other person and then wait to see what they do next. But if I don't speak up, I fear I'm going to end up slipping away, or hating myself when I end up yet again in a situation that makes me feel bad.

 

So how do I handle this? Do I wait for him to call me and then say, "N, I could be way off base but especially our get-together on Sunday gave me the vibe that for you this is more of a pals-who-f*ck situation, and if that is the case then I don't want to continue this, whatever it is we have going here."

 

Or do I say, there are some behaviors of yours that make me feel you don't view us as "dating," as in, with the idea of developing a relationship, but just hanging out and sleeping together. And here are the behaviors:

 

--Sunday was the first night I slept over at his place, in his bed, and in the morning, though he lay there for a few minutes after his alarm went off, he didn't reach over to cuddle me.

--He told me both that he's not much into eating dinner out and nor is he much of a snuggler in bed as he likes to spread out.

--After we came home with our Chinese take-out, we bantered a bit and then he turned on the TV and started flipping channels.

--He had called on Sunday wanting to know what I was up to and saying he had an article to finish writing and asking if I had stuff to work on also and if so I could bring my computer.

 

And what I wanted to get from him was:

--CAlling me to ask me out on a proper date. Not necessarily a dinner out, but a movie, bowling, going for a walk, teaching me to tune my own skis, going for a drive and listening to music, coming over to his house for dinner and a movie where he actually prepared dinner and we actually watched the movie that we chose together...anything.

--Calling me earlier in the day, or the day before, to make plans, rather than just a few hours before.

--When we were eating our dinner, making conversation with me, asking me questions, telling me stories, etc., rather than turning on the TV and flipping channels.

--ACtually watching a movie or actually sitting together and working on our laptops instead of putting his head in my lap asking for a head massage and then our having sex and then it being too late to do anything else.

--Actually showing some excitement about having me stay over--by cuddling me, by telling me how happy he is that I've stayed over, anything.

 

Do you think I'm unreasonable in these expectations? How do I bring up this stuff without sounding like a nag?

[khria]

My (honest) 2 cents:

 

Putting aside the question of whether or not he's really into you (his actions don't really seem to match his words maybe?), how long can you stay in a relationship where you feel like you have to hold yourself back? This drowns a relationship slowly from the inside out.

 

Since he has told you that he sees a future for the two of you, then come out and tell him that you'd enjoy/like more physical affection and cuddling. If he has you in mind, he'll cuddle.

 

I'm sorry, but it sounds like you've been putting up with a lot of unhappiness in the relationship: that's an awful long list of things 'you wished he would do,' and this in the beginning 'honeymoon phase'!

 

Either way, he won't know what you like if you don't tell him.

[Zapbasket]

I agree, Khria--he can't know what I like if I don't tell him.

 

It's just...how do I tell him without making him feel inadequate?

 

It's embarrassing to me how bad I am at this.

 

It's complicated, because at root of it all is that his lack of aggressiveness relative to other men I've dated makes me feel like perhaps he's not so into me, when maybe that's just his style. If it's his style and not his level of interest that's playing into his lack of aggressiveness, then all I'm going to make him do is feel bad.

[spiderowl]

If you're feeling ill at ease and as if he's not that into you, despite what he says, then pay attention to that feeling. He may not be a snuggler, but it matters to you. Also, his behaviour is like someone who is enjoying the sex but isn't emotionally involved. He may well like you very much but I get the impression that's about as far as it goes at the moment.

 

It's possible he's keeping you around because he thinks he may start to have stronger feelings for you.

 

The other factor that I noticed was that you go round to his place mostly and you both end up having sex. Does he take you out? Does he make any real effort other than phoning you? If not, he's working just about the minimum he needs to to get physical intimacy with a woman he likes. Is that enough for you?

 

Trust your instincts. Ignore what he and his mother are saying, go by his actions alone - what do they tell you?

[nothappyjan]

Hi!

 

Your story is identical to mine....this guy said he liked me at first had 2 proper dates, then it became hanging at his house....no real notice, he'd watch tv and get take out and wouldnt take me to friends events or let me know where we'd stand and be wishy washy when i'd ask if this is heading somewhere. Eventually i realised he was full of crap and when i gave him an ultimatum of we date or be just be friends his answer was "friends who cuddle" i told him theres no such thing for me and havent spoken to him for a week and a half. I am nice and always can justify things so i went no contact at all, delelted him from fb so i wouldnt cave and i feel sooo much better. I am now dating 2 guys just started who both take me on dates and plan events in advance. DONT SETTLE

[Zapbasket]

his behaviour is like someone who is enjoying the sex but isn't emotionally involved. He may well like you very much but I get the impression that's about as far as it goes at the moment.

 

It's possible he's keeping you around because he thinks he may start to have stronger feelings for you.

 

I've decided to stop wondering what this guy wants with me and start changing my ACTIONS. But I need some advice as this kind-of goes against my instincts.

 

My roommate told me that in her opinion I am a complete pushover with guys, way too accommodating and naive, etc. I kind-of have to agree as it's not like the past two relationship experiences I had ended very well or with me feeling remotely respected. My roommate said to me that if I really want to find out whether he's more around for the sex or for ME as a whole, I should stop going over to his place altogether.

 

Last Friday we spent the entire day together on a hike and then watching a movie and cooking dinner at his place, and I stayed over and left in the morning still with that uneasy feeling. So last night when we hung out, I changed our original plans that had me meeting him at his place and asked him to come meet me where I am, and we went into town to have dinner and then he brought me home and he went home. He tried like heck to get me to go to his place but I refused and promised that after the poetry reading we're going to together this evening, I'd sleep over.

 

But then I came home to my roommate and she said that was stupid to accommodate him by agreeing to sleep over tonight. She says I need to stand my ground and see what he does.

 

So what do you guys--especially the guys--think of this? It's kind-of against my instincts; I'd rather just tell him what I'm feeling regarding confusing vibes from him than just suddenly blanketly refuse to sleep over at his place, or sleep with him, period. My roommate suggests I just tell him I have my period and want to sleep alone in my own bed and don't feel like having sex; she says that buys me a week. SHe says it's way too early in our dating to have a conversation about where we stand...and I agree somewhat, but I feel like by withholding sex for the next little while, I'm playing games.

 

I need the strength to hold out and refuse to cave. Is this a good idea, or no?