Somewhere USA Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I am a happily married women, great life 3 children that are beautiful. I am, or thought I was, a moral person. I love God, teach sunday school, make dinner for our church's shut ins every work. Enough on "how good" I am - somehow I have got emotionally linked with a single minister (44, we are the same age) in our church. He also, is very diligent helping the homeless, counceling, hard worker. We have never done anything tangibly wrong but just look at each other. And somehow that has developed such a strong bond it feels like I have already had an affair. My husband is a deacon in the church as well. I have determined to make right choices but it is so hard. I think part of it is he has been so broken when his wife left him that I opened an emotion door that he also wandered in to. He has now called me so we can meet and I help him write up something for court...but I know there's more. What I want to know is how to step back and not forward from this very dangerous trap. I really don't want this man's heart hurt because I'm too selfish and take advantage of this low time in his life. Also, I certainly don't want to bring disgrace to my church. I know I would get caught at any level!!! I feel like a drug addict - you know what the right thing to do is - but you just can't stop! very very painful situation!
Owl Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Change the situation. Remove yourself from his presence. End your participation in groups where you know he'll be present. Tell your H about what you're feeling/dealing with. Ask him to help you deal with this as well. Begin working harder on rebuilding your relationship with your H, and stop feeding the budding one with the minister. If you simply cannot 'break the habit' with these steps, then you might need to consider a new church home until your feelings fade.
Author Somewhere USA Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 You are right - I don't think until I read the words you wrote that I understood how simple the fix is. I am so sorry that I even let it get this far. Thank you for the wisdom, these are hard things when you can't talk to anyone about it. Be Blessed.
BB07 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 You can't step back and undo what has already been done, but......you can put a stop to it now. Distance yourself from any and all contact with this man. Focus on other things in your life, find new interests. Please don't fool yourself into believing that you can handle it, you already know that you can't. As you already know to pursue this, will cost you and others more than you can imagine, so just don't. Hugs........
jthorne Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I agree wholehartedly with Owl, but I also thing you should bring this up with your minister friend. Sunshine can be the best disinfectant, as they say. It's possible that he's not realizing where your relationship with him is going in your mind. Perhaps since he knows you are happily married (your term not mine), he feels like he can be more open with you because it is "safe". Perhaps by speaking with him about your feelings, you can re-establish some boundaries. This could backfire, however, if the feelings are mutual. So before doing this, I would suggest making up your mind that you really do not want an inappropriate relationship with him.
Heather1 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Don't admit feelings!!! You'll light a bomb!! Just step back, he'll understand & never spend alone time with him. Talk about the weather. I would tell your husband though so you can block this together. That's what I did for my first "crush".
Owl Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I would disagree with you, Jthorne, but only because of the risk that the minister might reciprocate her feelings. And then the affair would be off and running. Better that she discuss it with her H, rather than the object of her infatuation.
jthorne Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I would disagree with you, Jthorne, but only because of the risk that the minister might reciprocate her feelings. And then the affair would be off and running. Better that she discuss it with her H, rather than the object of her infatuation.Point taken Owl, thank you. My point was that even though she has feelings for this minister, it's highly possible that he doesn't share her feelings. Him telling her so may cool her jets a bit. I do agree that this is a risk.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 DO NOT admit feelings. I think you could say something to the affect that you have given thoughts about proper boundries in your marriage, and that you think meeting away from others to help him is not a good idea. He will get the message that you want to ensure that you maintain proper relationships for your marriage and husband's sake. You are going to have attractions to other people (friends, emotional, ect...) in your life. Knowing how to handle that so that it does not impose on your marriage or any other area of your life is what is important. Keep strong, keep your feelings to yourself, or share them here, and follow a plan to avoid any other problems. Your feelings will subside. You are right, though, we had a blow up in a very small church where families and been members for generations. It was the beginning of the demise of that church. Very, very sad.
jthorne Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 (edited) DO NOT admit feelings. I think you could say something to the affect that you have given thoughts about proper boundries in your marriage, and that you think meeting away from others to help him is not a good idea. He will get the message that you want to ensure that you maintain proper relationships for your marriage and husband's sake. This is more to what I was referring. Not necessarily expressing feelings for the minsiter, but expressing feelings that the relationship, for her, is leaning toward the inappropriate. Sorry I wasn't clear. There's still a risk in this, and does assume that both parties have a certain degree of self control. OP- just a question... why did you choose to put this on the OW board and not the Infidelity board? Either one is appropriate, I was just curious why you chose this one. Edited April 12, 2010 by jthorne
Author Somewhere USA Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 It was random - I have never been on this website, don't even know how I came upon it. It appeared that it was pretty decent in that people weren't trying to flaunt all their bad choices, just people struggling to make sense. I really appreciate hearing people talk about options because I know this isn't some new thing that hasn't happened before - but it is new to me. Been married 13 years and at 44 just didn't see this type of thing happening to me - which is why it probably did.
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Neither of you are in a position to act upon the feelings. Focus on your H, reconnecting with him and find out what's missing inside of you - What led you to fall for the minister? Fantasy, feelings, the thrill of not being able to 'have' him? People get crushes all the time, they're healthy and normal as long as they're kept in perspective..Don't ever discuss your feelings with the minister. Keep that to yourself.
Fallen Angel Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 (edited) I think it has less to do with the man, and more to do with his position in the church. It is kind of like women who fall for their psychologists, their doctors, their teachers, bosses etc. There is a name for it, which I can not pull out of my brain at the moment. (insert frustrated face here) It has to do with the fact that you see him as "perfect", a healer, smarter than most, powerful etc. In the case of a preacher/minister it is about viewing them as somehow "holier" than someone else. Might I suggest you start trying to see him for what he really is. He is a man, every bit as flawed and imperfect as every other man who walks this earth. He snores, farts, burps and sh*ts. He makes mistakes, even commits sin. He is not closer to God than anyone else, does not have a special place waiting him in heaven because he is more holy than anyother. He is fallible, as are we all. He is human, no more no less. Yes he spends more of his day doing "good works" than your husband does in the normal course of the day, but he is being paid to do so, your husband is not. If I were you I would try to write out all the ways in which he and your husband are similar, and then all the ways in which your husband exceeds/excels above him, and all the ways in which you believe he excells/exceeds above your husband. In that way, I am sure you will find that your husband is the better man hands down. A man who has shown you that he loves you, has proven himself to be a worthy man. It should help you to get over your infatuation more quickly. Good luck to you. Edited April 12, 2010 by Fallen Angel
White Flower Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 It was random - I have never been on this website, don't even know how I came upon it. It appeared that it was pretty decent in that people weren't trying to flaunt all their bad choices, just people struggling to make sense. I really appreciate hearing people talk about options because I know this isn't some new thing that hasn't happened before - but it is new to me. Been married 13 years and at 44 just didn't see this type of thing happening to me - which is why it probably did. I love this statement and may use it as a quote later. Maybe of us are here for the same reason--we didn't see the A coming. I used to post all the time to STOP now and GET OUT while you can! I now try to offer advice on an individual basis depending on the needs of the original poster (OP). But you, being so involved in the Church, your H being a deacon and your OM being a minister, it is just too much. You WILL get noticed and I mean yesterday. Unless you want to move 500 miles away now and start over then I would suggest telling this man you cannot talk to him or help him in any way. Nip this in the bud or God help you, the whole community will know about it. Scandals in Churches are just too tasty. You don't want to be lunch.
Fallen Angel Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 (edited) just didn't see this type of thing happening to me - which is why it probably did. I, too, love this quote because it speaks to what I have been saying about evaluating your relationship regularly to see if it is where you want to be, or where you want it to be. Thing is people get into a routine, and quit working on their relationships. they get stale and that opens up the door for other people to walk through. If you allow yourself to move too far away from your SO then you are making room for someone else to come between you. By evaluating your relationship, you can spot the weaknesses and do the work needed to repair the small fisures before they become chasms. You do not yet have a chasm, work on fixing the small crack while you can. Figure out what this man is providing that you are needing and voice your needs to your husband. I am sure he will respond and try to meet the need. Edited April 12, 2010 by Fallen Angel
White Flower Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Maybe of us are here for the same reason--we didn't see the A coming. "Many" of us, not maybe of us. Duh. What is wrong with me today. <walks out with spoon in her mouth>
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