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He doesn't really love me, but at the same time we seem great together


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Posted

Hi,

 

I've been with a wonderful guy since November 2009. We met online via a dating service. We have not dated anyone else since we met each other. We both want the same thing, a long-term relationship and possibly marriage, he is 28 and I am 27. Only problem is, he is not in love with me. We had sex on the 3rd date, but by then we've been seeing each other for about a month, I didn't think it would be a big deal. He did say not to. He never mentioned the reason, but he caved in when I started kissing him. It is only a few weeks ago when I confronted his feelings did he admit it to me and that he has always lost interest with a girl that he slept with early on and the reason he was trying to resist that first time was because he wanted to know me on a emotional level before committing to the physical.

 

We usually hang out on Saturday, I'll stay over for the night and he'll drop me back on Sunday after lunch. We started off casual, a couple dates, 3 months in he introduced me to his family then his friends. He talks to his family and friends a lot about me, they seem to know things about me. He has not have a serious girlfriend for a few years so I'm the first he's brought back since.

 

We love each other's companionship, we have fun and the dynamic is just wonderful. He is everything I'm looking for in a partner and I have the qualities he has been looking for his entire life. So it is pretty sad that the head-over-heels kinda love is not there from the start. Physical attraction is definitely there but we try not to emphasise too much on it and have fun outdoors as well. He said he feels like "****" for having found someone he has desired but not really in love. How is it possible that a couple can be so great together and not "in love".

 

We have talked about it and wanted to see if things will change for the better. It is pretty hard letting go since we have a wonderful dynamic. As most experts will say, those qualities are important to sustain a relationship and beyond, not just love. We both agreed we like each other a lot and most probably love each other a bit. I suspect I love him more than I let him on. I'm trying to be strong and love him unconditionally. However, love cannot be forced. He has been in love before and he mentioned he has no issues telling a girl so. When he's in love, he wants to see the girl often and will call her everyday. He doesn't act that way with me, he's just not that emotionally involved.

 

There is no way he will marry me if the love is not there, but we have agreed to continue our relationship since it's still too early to tell, however he is sceptic as his previous experiences with love has always been from the start. We are trying to be optimistic and I've told him I want the time we spend together from now on to be special and not to take things for granted cause we might not know what will happen in the future.

 

My friend told me to spend more time with him since we only see each other half the weekend. We've been spending a evening during the week for dinner the past 2 weeks on top of the weekend. I know I cannot make him fall in love with me. I am scared. I wish there is a way to change things around, but I know that is not possible. Is there anyway to go about this? What should I do or shouldn't do?

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Posted

We love each other's companionship, we have fun and the dynamic is just wonderful. He is everything I'm looking for in a partner and I have the qualities he has been looking for his entire life. So it is pretty sad that the head-over-heels kinda love is not there from the start. Physical attraction is definitely there but we try not to emphasise too much on it and have fun outdoors as well. He said he feels like "****" for having found someone he has desired but not really in love. How is it possible that a couple can be so great together and not "in love".

 

 

 

He is everything you are looking for, yet he doesn't love you!?!? Are you looking for a guy who doesn't love you back?

 

You are settling here, why? Your friend's advice is pointless IMO, his feelings won't grow despite hanging out with him more, he already has told you he does not love you, believe him and accept that it won't change. If a guy is going to fall in love it will happen almost instantly, I don't believe that by hanging out with him more he will eventually change his mind.

In fact all it will do is make you fall even harder for him.

 

I wouldn't stick around if I were you. You've been together for 5 months, it is more than enough time for him to see if he loves you or if there is hopes of him to fall for you. It won't happen, sorry to say and you are prolonging the inevitable.

Posted

You've been going out for 4 months. It's more than reasonable for him not to mention "love" yet. Love means something different to everyone.

Posted
If a guy is going to fall in love it will happen almost instantly

 

There is a difference between lust and love, what you've just described is lust. Not love.

 

You've been together for 5 months, it is more than enough time for him to see if he loves you or if there is hopes of him to fall for you. It won't happen, sorry to say and you are prolonging the inevitable.

 

I don't agree with that either. Not everyone goes at the same speed. Do you want someone to love you, or love the idea of you?

Posted

Hi there,

Unfortunately he doesn't love you and, to his credit, he has been very respectful to put his cards on the table and be really honest about that. I know it is a hard thing to hear and to deal with, but he's made it clear he has no problems falling in love and making it known when he DOES fall in love, so clearly he just doesn't see a future with you, and it is much better for you to end it, else in the future you will become more and more hopeful and attached, and he'll end up meeting a new girl that he is really into, and moving on.

 

When you say 'we are optimistic' what you really mean is YOU are optimistic.

 

I really think you need to limit the damage now and walk away, to save future heartbreak. I am sure you will find a wonderful guy in the future who will fall for you, but this is not the guy!

Posted

 

I don't agree with that either. Not everyone goes at the same speed. Do you want someone to love you, or love the idea of you?

 

 

Oh please in 5 months you have an inclination on whether you can fall in love with someone, this guy is telling her flat out he doesn't think he will fall in love with her. He knows. 5 months if more than enough to know you can at least aim to love the REAL person, not the fantasy, how long should she wait 5 years?

 

. Physical attraction is definitely there but we try not to emphasise too much on it and have fun outdoors as well. He said he feels like "****" for having found someone he has desired but not really in love. How is it possible that a couple can be so great together and not "in love".
I have a feeling there isn't sufficient chemistry there for him, and he is being polite about expressing that. It is obvious it won't change. You need the strong chemistry to fall in love and it clearly isn't there.

 

This is the recipe for a marriage that finds itself miserable and wondering why they married in the first place. When you have experience true all encompassing love you would never settle for something like this. She would be settling, so would he. And no I can bet all my assets he will not eventually fall in love if he isn't even showing signs of at this point. If it hasn't happened at 5 months it simply won't.

Posted
We have talked about it and wanted to see if things will change for the better. It is pretty hard letting go since we have a wonderful dynamic. As most experts will say, those qualities are important to sustain a relationship and beyond, not just love. We both agreed we like each other a lot and most probably love each other a bit.

 

I like my male friends a lot, and I enjoy their company and sense of humour immensely I even find some quite attractive but I know I will never fall in love with them. It's as simple as that. You just know.

Posted
Oh please in 5 months you have an inclination on whether you can fall in love with someone, this guy is telling her flat out he doesn't think he will fall in love with her. He knows. 5 months if more than enough to know you can at least aim to love the REAL person, not the fantasy, how long should she wait 5 years?

 

For this guy, she shouldn't wait at all. He already told her how he feels. Whether she listens or not is up to her. I wasn't really addressing that though. I was just commenting on that the time lines you suggested are not ones I can agree with, even if I myself may know where a relationship may be going within 5 months.

 

I've thought I've known the answer to that and been wrong more than once in the past, so I can understand wanting to wait longer.

Posted
For this guy, she shouldn't wait at all. He already told her how he feels. Whether she listens or not is up to her. I wasn't really addressing that though. I was just commenting on that the time lines you suggested are not ones I can agree with, even if I myself may know where a relationship may be going within 5 months.

 

Well my comment was based on this time line, on this particular case, which is what the OP asked for advice on. ;)

 

Regardless, it can be pretty much be applied to any case where a person tells you 5 months in "I don't think I will fall in love with you." I know for some people it takes them longer than otherd to fall in love but if a person is telling you it is not going to happen, I think it's safe to respect their words for truth. People know themselves best, if he has a history of knowing right away, which he says he has, he will expect that going forward.

 

On a personal side note, I don't understand your logic?!?!? How can you know where a relationship is going at 5 months but not know if you love a person? In my experience I can ONLY plan on a future with a guy if I know that I love them.

Posted
Well my comment was based on this time line, on this particular case, which is what the OP asked for advice on. ;)

 

Ah. I thought you were making a general statement.

 

On a personal side note, I don't understand your logic?!?!? How can you know where a relationship is going at 5 months but not know if you love a person?

 

You don't understand that logic because that isn't what I said, though I probably could have worded it better. My attention was a little split at the time. :laugh:

 

I usually do know (or at least think so) within 6 months where things are going and how I feel about someone, but not everyone works the same way I do. I've also been wrong about where things were headed more than once. Never have I concluded I was wrong about how I felt about someone though.

Posted (edited)

2010's comments are pretty much spot on. If a guy tells you he is not in love with you, he is not and he won't be. You know pretty much if he is falling head over heels for you from the start.

 

I am also speaking from experience. My ex dumped me for a much younger girl, and he acted so very much differently with her: sending her flowers/gifts, jumping on last minute flights (regardless of costs) just to see her for a night, couldn't stop talking about her with his friends and family... you get the idea. And the most hurtful to me: he tells everyone he is IN LOVE! (He never did all of the above for me, although just like you and yours we had great chemistry and were 'happy' together for almost two years.) Now he is engaged and has forgotten all about me. I went NC 9 weeks now. Not a word from him.

 

If I were you, I would cut him loose now. Unless you are able to maintain yourself at the FWB level with him and have fun while looking for the real one.

Edited by ingridh
Posted

Oh Ingridh that is such a sad story I am so sorry for how that must have made you feel. :(

 

As I always say, most men can and will be romantic when they fall for a woman, I don't believe that guys don't try hard enough for a girl because it is not "in them to be romantic" when a guy falls hard for a woman he can even surprise himself with how much he wants to give.

 

Like in the story of ingrih, women need to stop believe that time will make someone fall in love. We only fall in love initially it is very hard to fall in love with the and experience the whole "in love" feeling years after one has decided they don't really love someone. It is a mixture of sexual and mental energy that rarely happens later if it is not there initially.

 

Learn to listen to what a guy is telling you, and read his actions and don't waste your time when you could be getting it all from a man who is right for you.

 

If I had to count the amount of times I have heard guys tell me "yeah my last girlfriend I knew pretty much from the get-go I was never going to be in love with her, I know....that's horrible to say but I just knew" To which I have asked so how long were you together for? Answer" "two years" Me: "two years!!!!!!!!!!!!" and this is with someone that you knew you would never love? How could you?" They always brush it off as "I know.. I know... it's horrible but they must have known I was only half into it" :rolleyes:

 

don't be that girl.

Posted
Oh Ingridh that is such a sad story I am so sorry for how that must have made you feel.

 

Thank you. Yeah, it was hell. Getting better though. One day at a time.

 

As I always say, most men can and will be romantic when they fall for a woman, I don't believe that guys don't try hard enough for a girl because it is not "in them to be romantic" when a guy falls hard for a woman he can even surprise himself with how much he wants to give.
So, so true. Listen to 2010. He has already made it clear that he is NOT in love with you. You are NOT the one. He is going to fall head over heels for someone else, and it is going to hurt. Big. Save yourself from the foreseeable heartbreak. Please.
Posted
Hi there,

Unfortunately he doesn't love you and, to his credit, he has been very respectful to put his cards on the table and be really honest about that. I know it is a hard thing to hear and to deal with, but he's made it clear he has no problems falling in love and making it known when he DOES fall in love, so clearly he just doesn't see a future with you, and it is much better for you to end it, else in the future you will become more and more hopeful and attached, and he'll end up meeting a new girl that he is really into, and moving on.

 

When you say 'we are optimistic' what you really mean is YOU are optimistic.

 

I really think you need to limit the damage now and walk away, to save future heartbreak. I am sure you will find a wonderful guy in the future who will fall for you, but this is not the guy!

 

Listen to him too!

Posted

At 5 months into a relationship, even if you're not sure if it's love yet, you at least know if the potential to fall in love with this person is there. This guy is actively telling you he DOESN'T LOVE YOU. He told you how he behaves when he's in love, and you say yourself that he doesn't behave that way with you (calling often, etc). He even said that he doesn't think he'll ever love you!! What more do you need to know? This is not going to change. He's not going to wake up one day and suddenly find that he's madly in love with you. It just doesn't work that way.

 

I agree with the person who said that the chemistry probably isn't as great for him as it is for you. At least he's telling you honestly. You need to walk away NOW because at this point all you're doing is wasting your time and setting yourself up for more heartbreak in the future.

Posted

I'm so sorry to tell you this, however it's time to ditch the guy. Trust me and believe me, you will find another guy whose company you will love and he love yours e.t.c. I was in the this exact position approx a year or two ago and once he told me he could never see himself falling in love with me, I broke it off - slowly n painfully. It hurts to begin with, but you'll get over it and find someone new. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

Posted

The longer you spend your time with a guy who is lukewarm about you, the more unhappy and desperate you will become.

 

Don't waste your time with him when you could be meeting other guys who would actually be excited to be with you.

Posted

I agree with most of what everyone said before me. 5 months in you should know whether or not the potential to fall in love is there. I'm one of those people who can pretty much tell about a month into a relationship whether or not I'll be able to fall in love, and 3 months in I can have a definite answer. Maybe he's not like that but that doesn't mean he shouldn't have a vague idea of where your relationship will go. Never settle for less, and if you stay in a comfortable yet loveless relationship that's what you will be doing. I had that with my ex, and never again will I do that to myself. As bad as it seems, I was happier with my ex who cheated and lied to me (but who was madly in love with me and I with him) than I was with my recent boyfriend who was faithful and good but not madly in love with me. I think once you feel how it feels to really be in love with someone and have them love you back in return you don't want to settle for less than that with someone else. At least that's how I feel.

Posted
Oh Ingridh that is such a sad story I am so sorry for how that must have made you feel. :(

 

As I always say, most men can and will be romantic when they fall for a woman, I don't believe that guys don't try hard enough for a girl because it is not "in them to be romantic" when a guy falls hard for a woman he can even surprise himself with how much he wants to give.

 

Like in the story of ingrih, women need to stop believe that time will make someone fall in love. We only fall in love initially it is very hard to fall in love with the and experience the whole "in love" feeling years after one has decided they don't really love someone. It is a mixture of sexual and mental energy that rarely happens later if it is not there initially.

 

Learn to listen to what a guy is telling you, and read his actions and don't waste your time when you could be getting it all from a man who is right for you.

 

If I had to count the amount of times I have heard guys tell me "yeah my last girlfriend I knew pretty much from the get-go I was never going to be in love with her, I know....that's horrible to say but I just knew" To which I have asked so how long were you together for? Answer" "two years" Me: "two years!!!!!!!!!!!!" and this is with someone that you knew you would never love? How could you?" They always brush it off as "I know.. I know... it's horrible but they must have known I was only half into it" :rolleyes:

 

don't be that girl.

 

The bolded made me cringe but I also know how true that is but cannot fully ever understand why some men will go still stay in a relationship even if their hearts are only " half into it".

 

OP, I agree with every poster on here that tell you to run, don't walk. Simply because you're so attached to this guy who doesn't love you that you're blinded to the simple fact that he won't ever be emotionally there. Physically, yes, but never emotionally.

 

You'll pine away at him in hopes of changing his mind but honestly, how many women can convincingly change a man's heart? If we can't make ourselves fall in love with people we are not in love with, how do you propose we change other's mind?

 

It's time to end things before you settle in too deep. What will happen if he actually falls in love with someone else is that you'll find yourself with a heartbreak. Rather than suffering through the pain longer, breaking things off now will give you more time to heal and quickly move on.

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