Phateless Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Emotional Affair is when you get attached to the other person in a romantic way. We all know when it gets to that point - asking us to define it is trying to assuage your guilt on a technicality.
Author shadowofman Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Emotional Affair is when you get attached to the other person in a romantic way. We all know when it gets to that point - asking us to define it is trying to assuage your guilt on a technicality. We don't all know when it gets to this point. My feeling is that I'm not completely comfortable with the situation. Therefore I'm confused. My reason tells me that there is nothing wrong with this situation, but my reason tells me there would be nothing wrong with anyone loving anyone they want to. Emotions aren't rational. I don't believe true physical lust is required... The marvel of the internet allows it to be possible for two individuals to be in an EA without even knowing what one another look like... Intuitively I would agree, but the more I analyze the situation, it seems that physical is required in order to make reasonable demands of a SO. Our psychologist suggested we 'discuss intimate details of our marriage' with each other (or, in MC, with him) and keep friends of both genders out of that part of our lives. Have close friends, sure, but prioritize the sanctity and intimacy of the marriage above those friendships. That was the essence of both of our inappropriate emotional attachments. Every married woman who prior or since has shared exclusive intimate details of her marriage with myself, in essence saying things to me that she wouldn't say to me in front of her spouse, is effecting an inappropriate emotional attachment. The extent which I promote (or dissuade) those disclosures is my responsibility in the dynamic. Now I listen and suggest talking to her spouse or contacting a MC. That's the boundary I learned from my unhealthy experiences. I do not allow independent intimacy to build. I can see your point but I don't think it applies to my situation. I don't think that they are talking about the problems with my relationship. We are actually not having any problems with our relationship right now. I don't actually see my SO relationship with her BFF as a problem. She would be much unhappier without him. How can I deny her that? In my humble opinion, something not yet mentioned is the significance of someone looking forward to contact with the affair partner. IE. the individual engaged in the EA looks forward to the talks and communication with the affair partner (often more so, or at least as much as their OWN spouse). This is a key question one can ask themselves to gauge their level of intimacy in the EA. Agreed, I can't judge her excitement. I know his level is uncomfortably high. He is in love with her. Where is this relationship going? Are you planning to get married? If you're considering a permanent relationship here, I'd hold off until there's an agreement that no ex-lovers are allowed to tag along. She's okay with you being buddy-buddy with a girl you used to boff? We have been in a permanent relationship for 8 years minus a one year break. I'm not going anywhere I think. And I don't think she is going anywhere. I am not insecure in the relationship. She however is very very uncomfortable with me hanging out with my past women. There are many more of them so it maybe a bit overwhelming for her. I also don't really try to hang out with them because I know it would cause her distress (which I am very sensitive too). I don't even hang out with guy friends much when we have time off together because she would get too lonely. IMO, an emotional affair is not about emotions (thoughts and feelings), but about actions. We all know when we are crossing "the line" in behavior--when we are hiding the quantity OR quality of communication, and saying things we would not say in front of our partner. I don't expect my partner to never have a passing feeling for a friend, but I expect him to always act appropriately with his friends. These are the grey area questions that I am questioning. She doesn't talk to him in front of me, unless it's text. A majority of conversation is while she's working. She would tell me everything they talk about but I don't care about the silly games they play, so she doesn't tell me much anymore. But one can not expect to always act appropriate with friends. With my male friends I say things that I wouldn't want my SO to hear, especially when talking about the pretty women we see. I'm respectful not to talk about other women in front of her. But it's still innocent. Just like I'm sure their conversations are innocent (her part anyway). Owl, this begs the question can men and women really be good friends? I might discuss intimate details of my relationship with my close female friends, but if discussing them this way with a male friend is inappropriate, can men and women really be close friends? Perhaps the way to not have an EA is to keep the relationship at "Acquaintance" status? Surely men and women can be friends. I am friends with many women, xgf and otherwise. My SO's friendship just strikes me as too much. He is nearly her only friend. And they talk every waking moment. And he loves her. She hates women on every level, and this is her excuse for having such a good guy friend. Maybe I'm just not dealing well with the way she keeps a friend. I have many that I mostly ignore, and often because she needs my attention. She has one that she speaks to constantly and only lately has toned down the talking because I complained about the frequency.
Author shadowofman Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Since this is all very subjective, I'll ask the question differently and more specific. At what point would you feel uncomfortable with your SO's long distance friendship with an ex that love's your SO? Quantity: Any contact at all? Moderate correspondence with an occasional meeting? Excessive correspondence with routine meetings?
carhill Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Having had a boatload of experience as a OM and MM, I'll point up two areas of distinct concern. She has no female friends and 'hates' women on every level. He's 'in love' with her. That's not good. Really not good. MC helped me see the 'not good' in my own behaviors and you're getting this very costly (as in the cost of MC and a divorce) advice for free. Hope it works out
Author shadowofman Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 But then, also keep in mind that this is an 8 year relationship, and I love her despite the fact that she has poor social habits. My plan is to just deal with it as long as I can without reacting negatively.
xxoo Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Since this is all very subjective, I'll ask the question differently and more specific. At what point would you feel uncomfortable with your SO's long distance friendship with an ex that love's your SO? Quantity: Any contact at all? Moderate correspondence with an occasional meeting? Excessive correspondence with routine meetings? Anything excessive is bad by definition. Meeting--with you included? I wouldn't be ok with trips to visit an ex lover without me! I'd be fine with a friendship that included travel (as a couple) to visit. It doesn't really matter at what point anyone else is uncomfortable, though. What matters is your comfort, and how you respond when you are uncomfortable. If I were uncomfortable, I'd start conversation with "I" statements: "I'm feeling [insecure, neglected, unimportant, replaced, whatever] about..... Can we talk about it?" Something that stands out to me-- If we had this situation, we'd be talking about fairness to the other guy. How fair is it for her to stay so involved with him if he is in love with her, and she is unavailable (and presumably uninterested in more)? Is she leading him on unintentionally (or intentionally)? Is the friendship cruel to him? Is this friendship holding him back from moving on emotionally? That's a big part of what we'd be talking about, and it would help me understand my partner's motives and emotional involvement.
angie2443 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 But then, also keep in mind that this is an 8 year relationship, and I love her despite the fact that she has poor social habits. My plan is to just deal with it as long as I can without reacting negatively. I honestly don't think this is a good idea if your relationship is important to you. I think you should talk openly with your partner, tell her exactly what you are feeling, and then watch for her reactions. This should give you a better fix of the situation. If I may ask, how does a situation like this fit into an open marriage/partnership? I seem to remember you were in an open relationship. If I'm confusing you with another poster, I'm very sorry.
Owl Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Owl, this begs the question can men and women really be good friends? I might discuss intimate details of my relationship with my close female friends, but if discussing them this way with a male friend is inappropriate, can men and women really be close friends? Perhaps the way to not have an EA is to keep the relationship at "Acquaintance" status? Personally... I don't have any close/good opposite sex friends, nor does my wife. For this very reason. And I do intentionally keep any opposite sex 'friends' at a greater length for this reason...I probably would describe those relationships as more 'acquaintance' rather than friendship. I PERSONALLY don't feel that close opposite sex friendships are healthy for a marriage...I believe that they're risky behavior, because it creates an opportunity to blur the boundary lines. I know that many wouldn't agree with my personal assessment or choices...and that's up to them.
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