shadowofman Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Everyone's definition of cheating is unique to what hurts them. In the context of an emotional affair, when does your SO's friendships with others cross a line for you?
stella79 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Sharing intimate feelings with someone other than your partner. It's secretive. Giving and receiving emotional support, confiding one's personal problems, hopes, dreams and fantasies. In my case it was with a married co-worker. E-mailing, texting, lunches...leads up to private meetings after work.. That's how I got caught up in in my messy situation! Starts out as an innocent friendship then before you know it, you're having a PA. XMM says that the line was crossed when he had lunch with me one day and revealed his marital problems. We usually just talked about work and other superficial topics. I listened and offered support, then shared all of my personal issues with him.. It was there and then that I should have set some boundries.
Author shadowofman Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 (edited) But don't regular friends do all of these things? There are several people that I confide in on matters of love, goals, emotionally deep topics. Edited April 12, 2010 by shadowofman punctuation
Toodamnpragmatic Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 But don't regular friends do all of these things? There are several people that I confide in on matters of love, goals, emotionally deep topics. You are the one's that push it to a physical affair. Talking to someone about problems at home, sex, what is happening around you is normal. If it is with the same sex then no one blinks an eye. If you say things that you would not to your spouse you are in a gray area. Only you can know when you have crossed that line.
stella79 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Thats true..but I failed to mention the unspoken physical chemistry that already existed between us..It's such a fine line when you are dealing with the opposite sex..
Author shadowofman Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 So emotional affairs HAVE TO have a speck of physical lust in them in order to be over the line? If this is the case, is there really ever any such thing as an emotional affair?
stella79 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 (edited) Also, sharing intimate aspects of our lives with someone of the opposite sex can ignite some sparks. Shadowofman, you make a good point..Are EA's stritictly texting and e-mailing? XMM sent me over 50 texts a day before it turned physical. (I should add that I am single, so the EA was his secret, I let my guard down and allowed it to happen) Edited April 12, 2010 by stella79
carhill Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Unhealthy prioritization of another relationship over one's primary relationship, meaning committed partner or marital partner. Another descriptor, less specific to cross-gender EA's, is an 'unhealthy emotional attachment', which can occur regardless of gender or sexual orientation. One can have an EA without any sex or sexual import being in the picture, meaning the affair can be purely emotional with no allusions to or conversations of a sexual nature. It's the prioritization which defines the affair or attachment. Examples of that prioritization might be time allocation, preference, dishonesty, secrecy, etc. Even if the relationship is transparent and disclosed, it can still be unhealthy if the *feelings* are hidden and undisclosed.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 An EA is a PA waiting to happen, and given the opportunity it usually does. Honestly, anything that involves any level of building a relationship like that is a dealbreaker for me. If there is anything going on that for whatever reason can't be done or said in front of me comfortably, then it is a no-no.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 To me..I would never have a conversation with a man that I couldn't sit right in front of my H and have...My H had an EA while we were dating years ago and he told her personal things about our relationship...that was hurtful and embarassing.
Spark1111 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I think it is the minute you start to confide in someone outside the marriage what should only be discussed with your marital partner. If you wouldn't say it, look at it, touch it, or talk to it without your SO sitting right next to you, you have probably crossed a line. And I have read that when EVER someone starts to confide their problems in a marital relationship, the only response should be: "I know the name of a good counselor. Want the phone number?"
bittersweet memories Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Sharing intimate feelings with someone other than your partner. It's secretive. Giving and receiving emotional support, confiding one's personal problems, hopes, dreams and fantasies. In my case it was with a married co-worker. E-mailing, texting, lunches...leads up to private meetings after work.. That's how I got caught up in in my messy situation! Starts out as an innocent friendship then before you know it, you're having a PA. XMM says that the line was crossed when he had lunch with me one day and revealed his marital problems. We usually just talked about work and other superficial topics. I listened and offered support, then shared all of my personal issues with him.. It was there and then that I should have set some boundries. You should of set bounderies as soon as you knew he was married...
Owl Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 You should of set bounderies as soon as you knew he was married... I'd hazard a guess that this is the part that the OP was kind of questioning... Here's the thing...for most people, they don't THINK about what those "boundaries" should be when they're engaging in a relatively close 'friendship' with a member of the opposite sex. The lines between a 'close friendship' and the start of an EA can be awfully blurry... And that's why these things are such a risk. You should avoid talking about 'intimate' things with opposite sex friends (or same, if you lean that way). Emotional subjects, hopes and dreams, intimate feelings, relationship troubles, etc... All of these subjects can erode your relationship with your spouse and build up a relationship with the person you're now emotionally investing in...and lead to the start of an EA all without your intentions. In my mind, the 'defining moment' is when you're talking about a subject or feeling and you KNOW that you'll never tell your spouse that you discussed 'xxx' with your "friend" because you knew that your spouse "wouldn't understand".
Spark1111 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I'd hazard a guess that this is the part that the OP was kind of questioning... Here's the thing...for most people, they don't THINK about what those "boundaries" should be when they're engaging in a relatively close 'friendship' with a member of the opposite sex. The lines between a 'close friendship' and the start of an EA can be awfully blurry... And that's why these things are such a risk. You should avoid talking about 'intimate' things with opposite sex friends (or same, if you lean that way). Emotional subjects, hopes and dreams, intimate feelings, relationship troubles, etc... All of these subjects can erode your relationship with your spouse and build up a relationship with the person you're now emotionally investing in...and lead to the start of an EA all without your intentions. In my mind, the 'defining moment' is when you're talking about a subject or feeling and you KNOW that you'll never tell your spouse that you discussed 'xxx' with your "friend" because you knew that your spouse "wouldn't understand". The first secret.
whichwayisup Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Allowing yourself to become TOO emotionally attached and allowing feelings to grow. Allowing yourself to cross the lines, boundries and possibly 'discuss' those feelings with that person. Putting them first, above your spouse, thinking of them too often and getting caught up in the fantasy of 'what if land..' It serves no purpose and can do alot of damage in a marriage.
Author shadowofman Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 The reason I ask is because I'm having a battle of reason within my own mind. It is so much easier to define physical cheating and so questions of emotional cheating always boil down to physical boundaries. In a nut shell, my SO had a middle school friend. We had a split for about a year, last year and she found him on the facebook. He has always been smitten with her so she became physical with him. They were dating basically. She came back to me (cheated on him), and finally told him that she was going back to me. But that he was her best friend. For the past several months, they talk every waking moment of the day. Texting all day. It bothers me and I consider it over the line but I have no rational reason for this feeling. They aren't texting little hearts or "I love you" or anything. And as far as she is concerned, I could have the same sort of relationship with anyone I wanted to because they are just friends.
Owl Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 If it's excessive....all day every day contact...and it's raising red flags for you...then yes, something should be done to change the situation. Even if it's not an EA by definition, its setting the stage for one and it's very unhealthy for your relationship.
xxoo Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 So emotional affairs HAVE TO have a speck of physical lust in them in order to be over the line? If this is the case, is there really ever any such thing as an emotional affair? Yes, there must be physical lust. But, yes, there are still true emotional affairs. It is an emotional affair until it crosses the line to a physical affair...with physical touch. An emotional affair is 1. secretive, 2. conferring intimacy to another in a way that you would not in front of your partner. Yes, I am emotionally intimate with friends, but I am openly so in front of my partner. If your partner is open about these texts and is willing to put the phone down to focus on you, then I would say the issue may be your insecurity. If your partner is secretive about these texts and/or is choosing to spend time texting him to the point of neglecting you, then I would say the issue is her inappropriate emotional attachment to him. As her partner, you should allow her time to spend with friends. As your partner, she should prefer time spent with you over other men! Balance.
angie2443 Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 It bothers me and I consider it over the line but I have no rational reason for this feeling. They aren't texting little hearts or "I love you" or anything. And as far as she is concerned, I could have the same sort of relationship with anyone I wanted to because they are just friends. A relationship is made up of many things. Sex, little hearts and "I love you",s are only a part of what keeps a relationship going. I think that once you understand this, you'll see that your feelings are more rational than you now realize.
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Fact is, he's part of her past, and there's some history between them. An ex.. So yeah, them texting and talking all day long is a problem. She's bonding with him, whether she's aware of that or not, that's what she's doing. Getting to know him again, building a friendship where eventually feelings can be felt again and eventually grow into something else. Maybe her intentions are completely innocent, but again, because of their past, it really isn't a good idea for the contact to be daily and so much. Ask her if you can meet him. Invite him to dinner..Her reaction will be telling. I mean, if he's 'just' a friend, then why not? Right?
xxoo Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Owl, this begs the question can men and women really be good friends? I might discuss intimate details of my relationship with my close female friends, but if discussing them this way with a male friend is inappropriate, can men and women really be close friends? Perhaps the way to not have an EA is to keep the relationship at "Acquaintance" status? I don't think it is necessary to limit friendships of the opposite sex to "acquaintance" status. What would gay or bi people do? Have no friends? IMO, an emotional affair is not about emotions (thoughts and feelings), but about actions. We all know when we are crossing "the line" in behavior--when we are hiding the quantity OR quality of communication, and saying things we would not say in front of our partner. I don't expect my partner to never have a passing feeling for a friend, but I expect him to always act appropriately with his friends.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Where is this relationship going? Are you planning to get married? If you're considering a permanent relationship here, I'd hold off until there's an agreement that no ex-lovers are allowed to tag along. She's okay with you being buddy-buddy with a girl you used to boff?
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 In my humble opinion, something not yet mentioned is the significance of someone looking forward to contact with the affair partner. IE. the individual engaged in the EA looks forward to the talks and communication with the affair partner (often more so, or at least as much as their OWN spouse). This is a key question one can ask themselves to gauge their level of intimacy in the EA. Obviously it is not as relevant when trying to judge your partners depth of intimacy in an EA...
carhill Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Our psychologist suggested we 'discuss intimate details of our marriage' with each other (or, in MC, with him) and keep friends of both genders out of that part of our lives. Have close friends, sure, but prioritize the sanctity and intimacy of the marriage above those friendships. That was the essence of both of our inappropriate emotional attachments. Every married woman who prior or since has shared exclusive intimate details of her marriage with myself, in essence saying things to me that she wouldn't say to me in front of her spouse, is effecting an inappropriate emotional attachment. The extent which I promote (or dissuade) those disclosures is my responsibility in the dynamic. Now I listen and suggest talking to her spouse or contacting a MC. That's the boundary I learned from my unhealthy experiences. I do not allow independent intimacy to build.
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 Yes, there must be physical lust. But, yes, there are still true emotional affairs. It is an emotional affair until it crosses the line to a physical affair...with physical touch. I don't believe true physical lust is required... The marvel of the internet allows it to be possible for two individuals to be in an EA without even knowing what one another look like...
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