This Hurts Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I've been keeping busy as much as possible lately. I've gone out with friends as much as I can and even when I don't hang out with friends, I'm with my brother. I'm never really alone, and I like it that way. Though I still feel that lingering feeling of loss and sadness, in the surface I'm fine. It's like I'm distracting myself from the pain and it's working. Now, today I was pretty much alone most of the day (alone meaning with my brother still around). I thought a friend might come see me since she's going through some hard times, but I haven't heard from her so hope for that diminished pretty quickly. Unexpectedly, another friend called and came over for a while. She just left a while ago and I started to feel empty. I've noticed this happens pretty much every time a friend leaves. It's like I get accustomed so quickly to their company, and when they leave I feel lonely and empty. My first question would be, is this healthy? I feel like I'm spending too much time with others and depending on them. I know I asked this already in another post, but I feel today's example would help people understand more. If I don't have plans for that day and I'm just hanging out at home, I'm fine for the most part. But once someone's here with me and they have to leave, I feel bad again. I'm aware this is probably normal, but I guess I just needed some reassurance that what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing and what I'm feeling is completely normal. Or some advice if I'm doing something wrong. My other question would be, is anybody else experiencing this or has had experience with this? Anything would help. Thank you.
DontWorryBHappy Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 (edited) This is so so soooo normal. Trust me on that... I experience the same thing. One thing I'm curious about though, is if people who spend a lot of time alone and feel a lot more of the pain in the initial weeks post break up get over it faster or slower than those who distract themselves more in the beginning and feel pain during short stints of being alone...? Edited April 12, 2010 by DontWorryBHappy
Author This Hurts Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 This is so so soooo normal. Trust me on that... I experience the same thing. One thing I'm curious about though, is if people who spend a lot of time alone and feel a lot more of the pain in the initial weeks post break up get over it faster or slower than those who distract themselves more in the beginning and feel pain during short stints of being alone...? Thank you! I love it when someone tells me what I'm going through is fine and I'm doing great Very supportive as well And I'm wondering the SAME THING. Let me know if you find an answer! Honestly, I just want the best way to move on as fast and painlessly as possible and if sitting at home alone more often and feeling the pain is the way to go, I'll endure. But if distracting yourself as much as possible and just dealing with the few lonely movements is better, then that's even better for me. It's been mind-boggling for me lately, and I really want an answer.
yume Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I think it's better to keep yourself busy. That way when you are alone, you can have some time to think about things - which is perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with thinking about why you're sad when you're sad...personally, I think it allows for closure. But keeping yourself busy isn't wrong, in any way... I went through the same thing. Still happens to me sometimes. Being alone is really when it hits you...but your friends are there to support you. And I'm glad to hear your brother is around for you as well.
Author This Hurts Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 (edited) I think it's better to keep yourself busy. That way when you are alone, you can have some time to think about things - which is perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with thinking about why you're sad when you're sad...personally, I think it allows for closure. But keeping yourself busy isn't wrong, in any way... I went through the same thing. Still happens to me sometimes. Being alone is really when it hits you...but your friends are there to support you. And I'm glad to hear your brother is around for you as well. Thank you. It helps to know others understand. Is there such thing as keeping yourself too busy, though? Or is it one of those "the more, the better" (or "the busier, the better" in this case) occasions? Edited April 12, 2010 by This Hurts
dazzle22 Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I would venture to say that most people do not do well alone, as we evolved as 'clan' or 'pack' creatures. Everyone around me considers me a strong person but if my husband died or left, I would be completely bereft and morose..so I think you are in the norm. I do think, however, it is possible to spend too much time 'distracting' yourself from pain, and that delays or prevents the proper stages of grieving. For example, my father is a 'stuffer' and he still can't talk about his beloved little sister dying and that was over 60 years ago! That is grief that has not been dealt with..
romer Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 During the day, I am usually okay. It's when I get home, it doesn't matter how busy I've been, I know that I eventually have to go home, lay in bed in the dark and face reality. Then my dreams take over. I never escape it. To top it off, I am dealing with the death of my mother. I am not sure which is worse, someone leaving you by choice, or someone who didn't. Either way, my heart is totally broken. I have lost all hope of finding someone who genuinely loves me. I thought I had him.
Author This Hurts Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 I would venture to say that most people do not do well alone, as we evolved as 'clan' or 'pack' creatures. Everyone around me considers me a strong person but if my husband died or left, I would be completely bereft and morose..so I think you are in the norm. I do think, however, it is possible to spend too much time 'distracting' yourself from pain, and that delays or prevents the proper stages of grieving. For example, my father is a 'stuffer' and he still can't talk about his beloved little sister dying and that was over 60 years ago! That is grief that has not been dealt with.. After some thought, I agree and it makes a lot of sense. If you spend too much time not dealing with the issue, the issue will never be resolved. But, how much time would be appropriate to spend on your own and fully 'grieve'? I'm probably just being too specific, but it would help me if the answer is somewhere out there. Are my nights laying in bed before sleeping, getting ready in the morning, and those few moments throughout the day that I inevitably spend alone enough? Or do I need to set aside time for myself to just think about it? During the day, I am usually okay. It's when I get home, it doesn't matter how busy I've been, I know that I eventually have to go home, lay in bed in the dark and face reality. Then my dreams take over. I never escape it. I can fully relate to this. I can't escape it, either. Do you have nightmares about your ex? I've been having dreams about mine almost every day since the breakup, and I always wake up feeling TERRIBLE. Gladly, I forget about the dream after a while but I still dread that moment I wake up, since I know it's going to come. To top it off, I am dealing with the death of my mother. I am not sure which is worse, someone leaving you by choice, or someone who didn't. Either way, my heart is totally broken. I have lost all hope of finding someone who genuinely loves me. I thought I had him.I am so sorry for you loss. Yesterday I thought a friend of mine had attempted suicide because of a text she left me the night before (that I hadn't read until the morning) and the fact that she wasn't picking up. On my way to her job to see if she was there, I imagined what it would be like if she actually did kill herself and I wondered if her death would overpower the grievance of the end of my relationship; leaving me to grieve my friend's death and completely forget about my ex. I'm not sure if that made any sense, hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say
romer Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I do have nightmares about my ex. Every night. I feel so guilty because it seems like I am grieving more for him than my mother's death. I have accepted that she is gone, but it has left a huge empty hole. He, on the other hand, is still alive, still living and loving (moved on a week after we split up) without me...we were together for 1.5 years. I honestly thought he loved me. I know my mother loved me without a doubt. If she was here, I wouldn't be posting on this website because I would have her support, and that would be enough. It hurts me so much that he left me when I needed him. She died on January 1 and he left me on February 23rd.
Author This Hurts Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 I do have nightmares about my ex. Every night. I feel so guilty because it seems like I am grieving more for him than my mother's death. I have accepted that she is gone, but it has left a huge empty hole. He, on the other hand, is still alive, still living and loving (moved on a week after we split up) without me...we were together for 1.5 years. I honestly thought he loved me. I know my mother loved me without a doubt. If she was here, I wouldn't be posting on this website because I would have her support, and that would be enough. It hurts me so much that he left me when I needed him. She died on January 1 and he left me on February 23rd. I can see where you'd feel guilty. Don't feel guilty, what you're going through seems perfectly fine. Your mother passed away and her love for you was left unquestioned. It wasn't her choice and you know she loved you. He left you by choice and his love for you is definitely questionable. What you're going through seems perfectly reasonable to me. I was with my ex for 3.5 years and like you, I thought she loved me and also like you, she moved on right away (in fact, got a new boyfriend the day of the breakup). I don't necessarily have nightmares about her every night, but I do dream about her every night and trust me, it's a nightmare either way. Whether it's a "good" dream or a bad one, it's still bad, because I wake up feeling extremely empty, lonely, and in horrible pain. If there's anything I could do to make my recovery a little bit easier, it would be to stop dreaming about her.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I think it depends on the 'kind' of person that you are.I'm not a massive social butterfly. I have my moments but I LOVE my me time, my alone time. I sometimes get really drained by others company and being on my own refuels me. So for me I balance going out with staying in. Some people can't be on their own, because it becomes lonely for them, especially after a break-up. After my break-up, I felt like, I wanted to become 'content' in my loneliness, in my own company, because I knew i'd have to live that way for sometime (I had a short rebound relationship and it wasn't for me). At first being alone was horrible but now being alone in my bed or at home, feels great. I don't feel upset or lonely or like i'm missing something. But going out and meeting people does help. A lot of my friends are in couples but i've even got used to being the only solo/single one in a group of couples now.
romer Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I can see where you'd feel guilty. Don't feel guilty, what you're going through seems perfectly fine. Your mother passed away and her love for you was left unquestioned. It wasn't her choice and you know she loved you. He left you by choice and his love for you is definitely questionable. What you're going through seems perfectly reasonable to me. Thank you. It helped alot to read that. Because you are right on both counts. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad. I hate to admit it, but I've even had thoughts of suicide. I guess right now I just cannot see beyond the gray clouds. I am going to see my doctor today and tell him about it. Hopefully he'll be able to give me something to numb the pain.
nobmagnet Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 Romer, Im sorry for your loss. But hopefully the doctor can help you with some anti-d to help you through this. I take them and I would have said I would be last person on the planet to. (i recon we must all feel the same) But they have helped me no end. Op, The empty feelings and quietness can be helped with either music or radio? I cant watch telly still (been 7 months) But i find thumbing thro old cds or listening to the radio fills the emptyness a little. I sleep with "Radio quiet" sometimes. As far as music goes..............it has to be before you met them. Nothing that reminds you of them. My brother did a mix on my IPOD of before Lowly. Its great. Happy memories. :D:D Feel your pain though Nobby xx
Author This Hurts Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 Thank you. It helped alot to read that. Because you are right on both counts. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad. I hate to admit it, but I've even had thoughts of suicide. I guess right now I just cannot see beyond the gray clouds. I am going to see my doctor today and tell him about it. Hopefully he'll be able to give me something to numb the pain. You're not the only one with suicidal thoughts... trust me. Especially at first, I was DESPERATE for meds, because I honestly thought I was one (small) step away from suicide. People say, "You shouldn't take meds for a temporary problem, like heartbreak." and I just felt like grabbing their faces and screaming at them, "I DON'T CARE IF IT'S TEMPORARY OR NOT, I FEEL LIKE I'M F*CKIN' DYING!" You should definitely get meds. I've heard of people going through terrible heartbreaks and even losses due to death who take meds and it really helps them out and then they just slowly get off of them once they're getting better, or once their psychiatrist think it's time. I think it depends on the 'kind' of person that you are.I'm not a massive social butterfly. I have my moments but I LOVE my me time, my alone time. I sometimes get really drained by others company and being on my own refuels me. So for me I balance going out with staying in. Some people can't be on their own, because it becomes lonely for them, especially after a break-up. After my break-up, I felt like, I wanted to become 'content' in my loneliness, in my own company, because I knew i'd have to live that way for sometime (I had a short rebound relationship and it wasn't for me). At first being alone was horrible but now being alone in my bed or at home, feels great. I don't feel upset or lonely or like i'm missing something. But going out and meeting people does help. A lot of my friends are in couples but i've even got used to being the only solo/single one in a group of couples now. Honestly, I'm a private person as well. I have NEVER been a social person, even when I was a little kid. I always loved staying home and being by myself, I loved time on my own. I loved to read and listen to music and research things on the computer. And the socializing I loved the most was time spent with my family. But after this breakup, that's really changed... I feel like I haven't lived life. I was with her for 3.5+ years and I kept private even throughout my whole time with her and while she cheated on me or lied to me about being with her friends, I still stayed the secluded person that I was. Overtime, it made me feel really dumb and loser-ish, if you will. She was out and about having fun and f*cking me over while she was at it, and I was just taking it and staying home. I never went out or cheated on her for revenge, though I had thought about it before, I never did. Now that she's gone, I'm going out a lot more and I feel the need to do so WAY more than I did when we were together and even before I met her. I'm still having a hard time making new friends, though. Since I was never social, I really don't know how to make new friends (sad, I know). I'm not going to lie, I've gotten a little better at it, but I'm definitely not pro and I probably make half of those instances awkward. I just hope I can get better at it. Another thing I'm worried about is when I'll be able to date again... how will I do that? I've never really dated anyone besides her and I don't know how I'm going to jump into that, but I'll worry about that later Op, The empty feelings and quietness can be helped with either music or radio? I cant watch telly still (been 7 months) But i find thumbing thro old cds or listening to the radio fills the emptyness a little. I sleep with "Radio quiet" sometimes. As far as music goes..............it has to be before you met them. Nothing that reminds you of them. My brother did a mix on my IPOD of before Lowly. Its great. Happy memories. :D:D Feel your pain though Nobby xx Yeah, I listen to music often and it does help, but it doesn't make everything completely go away (I guess that's obvious). I've been surprised by how I HAVEN'T been tempted to talk to her, though. The only times I feel like I want to text her is when I feel lonely or sad, but usually those moments don't last long enough (and aren't strong enough) for me to actually pick up my phone and start typing. Thank you for understanding, Nobby It helps a lot.
skydiveaddict Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 It always hurts worst when your alone. I can testify to that
romer Posted April 13, 2010 Posted April 13, 2010 I took your advice and went to the doctor yesterday, just unloaded on him...he increase my anti-depressent dosage. Today I feel better, the stabbing pain isn't there, just a dull throb. Hopefully it's not just my imagination, and from here on out things will be a little easier to deal with.
Author This Hurts Posted April 13, 2010 Author Posted April 13, 2010 I took your advice and went to the doctor yesterday, just unloaded on him...he increase my anti-depressent dosage. Today I feel better, the stabbing pain isn't there, just a dull throb. Hopefully it's not just my imagination, and from here on out things will be a little easier to deal with. Increased? So you took anti-depressants before? And keep me updated as to how they're working! As for that stabbing and throbbing pain... I know it too well. Glad to know I'm not the only one.
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