You Go Girl Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 And by the way--I just read your responses to another guy not 'getting any'. And I have to point out your negativity. Boy does it run deep on that thread, not so much on this one--which is more 'side with me' ! Your wife knows that negativity very well...it resides in her sexuality, that's where women stash it, and it turns them completely off, as in, no sexuality at all.
2sunny Posted April 17, 2010 Posted April 17, 2010 since she's unwilling to change - the only one to change things is YOU. if you find that this is not a happy life - then start changing it. this does sound like a controlling abusive marriage. i know that one well. i stayed for 20 years. the freedom i have now could never be bought. life looks different now - isn't that the point? if you want change, you need to make it happen. just because you're not married to her doesn't mean you need to live with guilt or sadness. stay connected to your kids - with a solid boundary. learn when to say no - and follow through with being perfectly ok saying no. learn to deal with your future exW (or W if you stay married) in a reasonable way that doesn't allow you to be manipulated and controlled by her. to say no is key. to follow through without guilt is even better. counseling may help you obtain a good way to feel good about these changes. you do not need to rescue everyone all the time. it's unhealthy for them and for you. you need to be teaching them to take care of things themselves. your wife is only making things worse for your kids. when the gas is low - they either plan ahead and put money they brought with them into the gas tank - or they learn the hard way and run out of gas - then they walk home... i guarantee if no one rescues and they walk home - they'll never run out of gas again. if anyone rescues - they lose the lesson they could learn from it all. let them figure out how to survive. how to fix their own stuff. how to plan. they will thank you for it ten or twenty years from now. we don't raise kids to be adults that act like little babies, crying and trying to get their way. maybe that's how your wife was raised - maybe that's why she's the way she is now. you need to get back to a healthy boundary - and find out what that looks like for YOU. just because you may not live in the house 100% of the time - doesn't mean you can't be a great father. those kids need their Dad. not for rescuing, not or using him... but when you have a healthy balance to everyday life - they will RESPECT you, and your opinion and position in the family - married or not.
Cinnamon2000 Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 My brother and his wife divorced a few years ago after 25 years together. He was having an affair with their friends wife, while she was having an affair with someone at work. They split amicably with no hard feelings, and now everyone's living happily ever after. Whether or not things happen this way for me remains to be seen. Until then I'll just keep my words and feelings to myself. Do NOT become a low life and cheat. If you're not happy, get out, but don't get another woman involved while you're still married. Don't be the cheater. That name is going to follow you and define you for the rest of your life.
giotto Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 well, point of no return, you don't want your wife anymore, no sex, she is mental (I believe she is...). You are right, at this stage the only solution is divorcing her... the kids are old enough, they won't mind too much and it's better for them not to live with a miserable dad... if you said you wanted to work on your marriage, I would have suggested the "divorce threat", but you are done with your relationship... if you are done, why are you on LS? To vent? See a lawyer, tomorrow... no, actually, tonight...
giotto Posted April 19, 2010 Posted April 19, 2010 So the question is, what makes everyone else stay in their marriages? I sympathize... my marriage is not as bad as yours, although there are a few similarities... Why do I stay? Children... my youngest is only 9 and it's too early for me to go... my wife is not unbearable... we still get on and we look after the kids and the house, together.... but the spark's gone...
Holding-On Posted April 20, 2010 Posted April 20, 2010 If I weren't out of work leaving would be easier. I don't feel comfortable walking out the door knowing I don't have a job. I'm too worried I'm going to fall on my face, which is a very good possibility, especially with the way the job market is in the US right now. Many people I know from my previous job are still out of work 2 years after they were laid off. It's been 6 months now and I'm finding it hard to even get an interview, even with all my experience. For me, leaving at this juncture is not an option, that's why I come to vent like every other poor sap. ... Have you been looking in other states? If you are willing to walk anyway what difference do a few miles make?
silverfish Posted April 23, 2010 Posted April 23, 2010 If I weren't out of work leaving would be easier. I don't feel comfortable walking out the door knowing I don't have a job. I'm too worried I'm going to fall on my face, which is a very good possibility, especially with the way the job market is in the US right now. Many people I know from my previous job are still out of work 2 years after they were laid off. It's been 6 months now and I'm finding it hard to even get an interview, even with all my experience. For me, leaving at this juncture is not an option, that's why I come to vent like every other poor sap. I'm not actively looking to cheat. I just said that hypothetically to show things can work out for the select few who decide to go that route. My mother and brother are not labeled as cheaters in my family, most likely because my other brothers and sisters can sympathize because they're not happy in their own marriages. I don't blame people who have been cheated on for despising cheaters. It doesn't always work out. All I'm saying is, I believe it is possible in rare cases. All of us married guys are in the same boat, married to women who could care less, with no signs of improvement, even with therapy. So the question is, what makes everyone else stay in their marriages? Walking out is easy to suggest to someone else, but let's be honest, everyone knows as well as I do that no matter how bad it is it's not easy to walk away after 28 years, especially if you're in the financial position I'm in. Like I said, it would be easier to do if I weren't out of work. Until then this gives me something to do to keep my sanity. In addition, I can use my experience to help dissuade single guys who come into the forum from taking a ride on the misery train. Helicon...did I miss the part where you said you've tried MC or therapy? As for the 2nd bolded part....no it won't be easy for you to 'walk out' if you have no job or means to support yourself....let me ask you this then...is it fair to your W to continue this situation feeling like you do? Maybe if things are that desperate you need to look into moving in with your parents or a family member until you can support yourself again. Your time would be better spent on here helping people in a positive fashion, as other posters have tried to help you rather than descend into further self pitying. The state of your marriage is all your W's fault? Your unhappiness is your W's fault? Well then leave, because if it's that simple, then you'll be happy won't you? I'm sure you'll realise at some point that you have had a large part to play in the way your life has turned out, it's a shame that you'll probably have to go through a lot worse before that happens.
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