The bad guy

[Helicon]

My wife and I have been together for 28 years (24 married).

We have 2 kids in their late teens who were homeschooled. They both still live at home. They are great kids. They don't smoke, don't drink and don't roam the streets. My daughter is an avid church goer and my son is an awsome piano player. I am very proud of both of them. However, as typical teenagers they do get out of line and can be tyrants at times.

For instance, my son's room is a total pig sty all the time. Clothes, trash on the floor, half empty water bottles, potato chip bags, etc. He tries to hide his dirty dishes and utensils in his drawers with baked on crap on them because he knows if I see it I'll get pissed. I've gotten into it with him BIG TIME, but he just keeps doing it. It's been and ongoing problem for at least 2 years. My wife acts like she could care less and always comes to his defense and will clean it for him.

 

My daughter has taken over my wifes car, and again, my wife doesn't care. My daughter complains up and down the minute something on it breaks and she'll keep harping on me like a tyrant until I fix it that very second. We're paying for her insurance under our policy because she only works a part time job. Whenever my daughter is out somewhere and runs low on gas, mommy comes to the rescue no matter where she is to fill up the tank using OUR account money.

 

It seems no matter what the kids do wrong it's fine with her and the kids know mommy will let them do whatever they want. The kids love me, but even so, it seems I've become the blacksheep of the family.

Mommy is their best pal. They all go out for lunch or coffee together and they confide in her about everything. They'll get mad at my wife if she betrays their confidence on issues. They'll say to her, "Don't tell dad".

I don't understand why because I am a very understanding person and have a good ear. I'm constantly hugging my kids and show them a lot of love. I buy them whatever them want (most of the time).

 

I never wanted it to be this way. I am jealous and resentful that my wife has made me out to be the bad guy to where the kids feel like they can't confide in me about anything.

 

The constant divisiveness has caused our marriage to go steadily down hill for the last 15 years. We're down to sex once every 3 months. If I want sex I have to 'pull' her over to me in bed and I'll have to listen to her complain first. It's degrading. She hasn't initiated sex in 11 years, literally. She use to all the time. Before the kids arrived our sex life was great. Those days are long gone. We don't share the same interests anymore and are growing further and further apart. We use to watch TV together, but we don't even do that anymore. Even when we did she wouldn't sit next to me on the couch even if I asked her to. She would always sit on the other couch. These days she spends her free nights playing Farmville on Facebook and IM'ing her sister while I'm in the other room. She doesn't like going out anywhere either. I've suggested doing stuff like going to the movie's, but she never wants to go.

 

She never sticks up for me in any situation no matter what it is, and always takes the opposing side. If I say it's black, she'll say it's white.

She'll pretend she doesn't hear me when I try to talk to her.

I feel like she does it to get under my skin.

 

She's made it clear that she can't stand me. She yelled it at me in arguments. What really gets me is she'll put on this fake front to family members to make everyone think she really loves me. She'll be more affectionate in front of my family, but when we get home she doen't want anything to do with me physically. It's like pouring salt on the wound.

 

I don't see any way out. I feel marriage institutionalized (my own term). We own a home and she's already told me if I want a divorce that's fine with her, but she's not taking the kids out of the house, which means she would fight to keep the home, even though MY mother gave us 20k to put towards getting this home.

 

I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I feel like a walking ATM who is unappreciated and serves no purpose on this earth other than to fix things that break. I'm feeling old, tired, and disgusted. 99% of the time I hold in my anger and resentment about everything. I can never talk sensibly about anything to my wife because she'll get extremely defensive and causes a huge fight. In her eyes I have no right to be unhappy.

I feel like it's my destiny to live the remainder of my life with a women who doesn't want me anymore and manipulates everyone against me.

 

What would you do?

[seren]

I would stop doing all that you do for a while and let the resulting chaos unfold. I would also let everyone know you are doing this, how hurt you are by it all and that if everyone wants to just do what they want, how they want and for you to pick up, then it just isn't going to happen. Your children are adults, they aren't being prepared for independence by your wife doing all for them, but of course you know that. Your M sounds simply awful and I read into your post a man in despair. It's time to start looking out for you and how you want the future to be. You have done the best that you can, but time to stop being everyone else's fall guy.

 

My son, when a teenager wanted privacy in his room, we gave that on the proviso he was responsible for his room - it got so bad I found dirty dishes hidden in his quilt so his Dad wouldn't see them! So he lost his privacy for a while, wanted dirty clothes washed, was shown how to use the washing machine. Yes me and his Dad disagreed on some parenting issues, and argued, but our M could take it. It sounds like you are at the end of your tether. Look at what you need for a happy future, try to talk it out with your family, lay your cards on the table, if they want it to work you can all look at setting ground rules, if not, then you know where you stand and can make plans. I so hope it all gets better.

[crazycatlady]

Are the teens done with schooling? Does your wife earn money? Who pays the bills?

 

If you are responsible for all the bills and earning the money, then I would give everyone an allowance. If she wants to spend her own money on the kids, fine, but I wouldn't allow access to your account where the bills and such comes out of.

 

I'm also not sure I would even want to have sex with someone who treated me with such disreguard.

 

This is a tough situation....have you considered marriage counciling?

 

CCL

[Helicon]

Too add to the misery, I lost my job a few months ago when the company I worked for closed it's doors, so I'm out of work. I am recieving unemployment compensation though. As bad as things are, leaving is tough. I have no friends and would end up living alone in an apartment somewhere. It's a choice between living in misery or living alone, and I've never lived on my own. To be honest, it scares the crap out of me.

Some choice huh? I should write a book with what I know about marriage to scare people away from becoming entangled in the kind of mess I'm in.

There's a lot to be said for not marrying young and becoming self sufficient. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

[Helicon]

Yes, they're done with homeshooling. My wife works and makes almost equal to what I earned. Recently I was laid off because our building closed, however I am recieving unemployment.

 

We've talked (or should I say, argued) about marriage couseling in the past. I've changed a lot over the years and have become very submissive. All the arguing has really taken the fight out of me. As mad as I am towards her I don't want to bring up how unhappy I am because I don't want to start anything I feel I can't finish. I should've left 10 years ago, but co-dependence kept my where I was....and still does. Confidence level 0.

[xxoo]

. As bad as things are, leaving is tough. I have no friends and would end up living alone in an apartment somewhere. It's a choice between living in misery or living alone, and I've never lived on my own. To be honest, it scares the crap out of me.

 

This situation sounds really awful, Helicon.

 

Do you love her? To be honest, it doesn't sound like she loves--or even likes--you. You deserve so much better.

 

I think you need to go to individual counseling. Forget about marriage counseling at this point, and focus on you. Why does living alone scare you so much? Why would you choose living in that hell over living in peace, and spending time with your kids in peace (without mom getting between you).

 

Go get some counseling and figure out what you want in your life.

[You Go Girl]

This situation sounds really awful, Helicon.

 

Do you love her? To be honest, it doesn't sound like she loves--or even likes--you. You deserve so much better.

 

I think you need to go to individual counseling. Forget about marriage counseling at this point, and focus on you. Why does living alone scare you so much? Why would you choose living in that hell over living in peace, and spending time with your kids in peace (without mom getting between you).

 

Go get some counseling and figure out what you want in your life.

 

I completely agree. You've become a doormat, very disrespected by your wife.

Let your wife self-destruct with the kids. Letting them get away with everything will backfire on her. You just continue on with telling them your expectations, even if she doesn't agree.

You need to also at some point later, insist that your wife go with you to counseling. That's after your individual.

First though, you're probably feeling really low about losing your job. Now you have all this time at home to focus on the flaws at home. It's bringing you down further. Get out, a gym, the library, anywhere not self-destructive for a bit each day.Where could you make some friends? Having friends is a part of balanced living. Join some group that shares interests with you. It will make you much happier, raise your self-esteem and confidence, and be good for you so that you aren't so dependent upon the relationship with your wife.

Lastly, when she tries to be affectionate (faker!) when around others, snub her. You don't have to play her games.

[Holding-On]

I'm not quite sure I understand what you are afraid of vis a vis divorce.

If you are currently unemployed and the economy sucks so it isn't likely you'll get a job anytime soon, would this not be a great time to get divorced financially speaking? If she's the breadwinner, she's going to have an interesting time going to court and saying to the judge:

1. Our children are fully grown and 2. I make more but, hey, I want the house.

Nope, she'd have to pay you out at the very latest. 10k doesn't seem enough to me to be living in anguish for many more years. I'd talk to a lawyer truthfully. I think you are creating a doom that may not be there.

 

so... I'm wondering about it. What is in it for you? Why do you stay?

You may find the book "Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" very helpful here.

Also, if does your state give you some $ for re-training? Oddly enough, if you did separate from your wife, you may qualify for more assistance (because your combined income may have blocked that). You could go back to school.

 

I really agree with other people that you need to get out and away from your family. The gym is a great stress reliever. Now is a good time to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life as it were. Honestly, even a trial separation might be very illuminating for you and a wake up call for her.

 

Also, you might like "Why Marriages Succeed". The (failure) point you are at is where she (abusively) criticizes and displays contempt for you and you, understandably, are defensive or stonewall (go passive).

[KikiW]

I wouldn't openly snub her public "affections" even if it's tempting, that will just come back and bite you in the rear. She can point to your snubs as proof that she was the doting wife and you were a horrible husband if the situation changes at some point in the future.

 

However I totally agree that you should start seeing something yourself. If the therapist is any good at all, they will help you regain your self esteem and self confidence. reading your post I felt like you were just totally broken and miserable and you don't deserve to life your life that way.

 

PS: Don't be afraid of the concept of living alone. You already ARE alone, you just happen to be living in the same vicinity as other people, some of whom don't appear to care much about you or your feelings. At least somewhere else you will have quiet and any messes made are your own. I found that living alone gave me time to explore myself. It was quite an interesting experience.

[KikiW]

Holding-On makes good points. If you can gather enough money to get a good divorce attorney, they can fight for you to receive your equal share of the marriage assets, which INCLUDES the house. She will have to at the very least buy your part of the house out. Also since she is employed and you are not, it is likely that SHE will pay YOU spousal support.

 

Don't forget to mention the withholding of affection, and the false affection shown in public. Attorneys can use these examples as mental or emotional abuse on her part, especially if you have been the one suggesting marriage counseling.

 

Do not become a shell of a man because of this situation. You can find yourself again and become much happier.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I find it amusing that we constantly hear about cheating around here and affairs and you always hear excuses for not divorcing..... but when a wife becomes a pushover to her kids everyone jumps on the divorce band wagon....

 

Back to the subject...Just because your wife lets your children do what they want does NOT mean she doesn't love you or respect you. She doesn't respect herself...have you sat down with your wife and actually tried talking to her? Its sounds like your mind is already made up tho and I don't think the kids are the main problem... Just my thoughts.

[xxoo]

I find it amusing that we constantly hear about cheating around here and affairs and you always hear excuses for not divorcing..... but when a wife becomes a pushover to her kids everyone jumps on the divorce band wagon....

.

 

I don't get the connection? It's likely the people encouraging Heli to leave would also encourage him to leave if his wife were cheating (or if he were considering cheating).

 

The kid issue is secondary to me. His wife avoids touching him and pretends to be nice around the inlaws. She tells him to go ahead and divorce. She doesn't love him.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

His wife avoids touching him and pretends to be nice around the inlaws. She tells him to go ahead and divorce. She doesn't love him.

 

Sorry about that..I didn't see that part:confused:

[Helicon]

Thank you ladies. I'll admit I've become a doormat, and that's my fault.

I have friends from my prior job that I associate with on Facebook. I never really hung out with them in social situations (or very little. get togethers at the local bar afterwork mostly, it was fun). If I did go out with friends we'd probaby end up getting in a fight about it because it's out of the norm for me. She'd think there was something going on. You see, she's never really had friends from work to hang with. She's pretty much a home body the same as me, so it would kill her to see me hanging out with my friends. At first she might act like it doesn't bother her, but if I kept it up for a while she'd eventually blow.

 

We got in a huge fight because I wanted to open up my own checking account. She doesn't budget anything and we're always broke, even though combined we made 75k per year, so I told her I wanted to take part in the bill paying so we could pay off the credit cards. She'd have half the bills and I'd have the other half. She couldn't understand that I just want to keep track of where all our money was going. She screamed and cried at me for hours and days like the world was coming to an end, just because I wanted to do this. The first couple of times didn't take and I gave in, but this last time she did something that ticked me off so bad I went out and did it. I'm glad I did too. Now things are working out just as I thought they would and she's fine with it. The downside is I waited too long. We're not saving because I'm out of work and I'm not bringing in as much.

 

The minute I want to do something that breaks routine she has a complete meltdown. I don't know if it's because of something she's hiding or if she just doesn't trust me, or both. I'm not the perfect person, but she is insanely unreasonable. That's why I stopped trying to talk to her and stopped putting up a fight. Back in my younger days I was more than happy to mount an adequate defense, but I'm just so sick and tired of fighting.

 

Joining a gym is something I've been planning, I just need to focus on finding work before the unemployment runs out. Unlike a lot of guys being out of work really bothers me. I feel so useless (except for when I'm fixing our cars, my sons Playstation, TV's, etc). I fix EVERYTHING. Any ladies looking for a good hand man?? lol, just kiddin.

I know financially the smart thing to do is leave while I'm still unemployed, but not having a job would just add to the feeling of insecurity. I don't know if I want to depend on courts to award me any judgement from her. You never know how courts are going to see things.

 

I know she's all bark and no bite. One time in a Toys R Us parking lot she was punched in the face by some woman because my wife yelled at her for almost running into her while she was walking back to the car. The woman had no right to do what she did. Unfortunately I didn't see it happen because I was in the store. It's probably a good thing I didn't see it. I was always defensive of my wife, even against the kids if they got mad at her for some reason, but she NEVER was defensive of me. I'm just nice that way. I'm very kind hearted and sentimental. I hate being that way. If I was the cold hearted type I would've dumped her decades ago.

 

Sometimes I feel like the only way I'll get away from her is if another woman throws her affections at me, but I'm not holding my breath. Everyone is right about one thing. Friendship is important. It's good to have friends to give moral support and to show there's light at the end of the tunnel. I'll have to work on hanging out with my ex co-workers.

[just_some_guy]

Time for a journey of self-discovery.

 

Start with your health. Get a physical, blood work, etc. Go to the dentist

 

Then go to the gym or run, ride a bike, whatever, but get regular exercise and commit to it. Read up on healthy eating and get the nutrition and calories under control. Concentrate on getting enough sleep.

 

Then find a fortress of solitude. Maybe take up fishing? Got a buddy with a cabin at a lake or something? Take off, spend some quiet time without the family around. Go camping. Something positive, away, where you can think about stuff, read some books, listen to music or whatever.

 

Connect with your friends, buddies, church group, etc. Get a support group going, even a breakfast and coffee club with the guys from your old job.

 

Then take it all in stride at the family home. Daughter screaming because the window won't roll down? "Well, it will be fine for a while. I'll get to it when I'm ready. Until then, if it bothers you, you can leave it at home and hitch a ride with your friends." Son living in a pigsty? (not uncommon for teens) Just stop bothering him about it. Maybe send him some clippings about hoarders living in houses full of garbage from time to time. Tell him you love him but maybe a career in the military could help him overcome his mental illness before he turns into the weird guy with twenty cats and a PS3. But don't yell. Don't get angry. Let them be, god bless them all.

 

After a while, you'll start getting into a better place. Then they will stop seeing you as the grumpy old man that lives in their house and maybe start seeing you as a whole person, an individual.

[KikiW]

I fix EVERYTHING. Any ladies looking for a good hand man?? lol, just kiddin.

 

If you weren't kidding I'd have the perfect lady for you. She is a domestic goddess (she made salmon the other night. I was dying for more. I HATE SALMON AND I WANTED MORE!) and just wants a nice guy who can do manly things like fix her sink and take out the garbage lol.

 

Anywho. I agree with the last poster - start getting out of the house. It's eating you alive, so just start going for some walks around the street at least. Take notice of the other houses, the neighbors, who has a dog, who has a cat in the window, the colors, the smells of cooking dinners, whatever.

 

and get together with those friends - so WHAT if your wife blows up about it. That's when you grab your coat and go for another walk. Everyone can use more exercise right? Use it as an excuse to exercise She thinks your cheating on her? Fine, let her follow you. Let her hire a PI, WHATEVER. Just go for those walks, or go for those drives, spend time with people who actually care about the words coming out of your mouth!

 

So today - JUST TODAY - go for that walk. Don't need fancy clothes to walk. So just walk. 10 minutes, 15. 90. Whatever you're up for. Just get out there

[mark982]

heli, you got to get out more. so what if your wife gets pizzes! go to the gym, whatever you want to do. you said your 1st priorty is to get another job. tell your wife that your out networking to find a job. you haven't become a doormat, no offense your the whole damn rug. she start bitching, say yes dear, and walk away.

[Helicon]

What intelligent, articulate, and understanding people you all are. Thank you all very much for your inspiration. If only I knew people in real life that I can open up to without worrying about wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I hate doing this, but I need to get other people take on this. I know I've gotta grow a pair and get out more. As a matter of fact, I'm going to see who's on FB now and look into making some plans to hang out with old friends. What's funny is, if you saw me you'd wonder why I put up with it.

I'm 6'3", slender. I play bass, guitar, keyboards, drums and use to sing in a band many moons ago. In addition I know drywall, carpentry, electrical, and automotive. I built our 10'x16'x17' shed without floor plans when I never built anything in my life. I have a lot of common sense about things I inherited from my dad. I'm finding out though, it's not how attractive someone is, or how much they know, if they're beaten into the ground by a bad marriage they can end up feeling totally worthless. I'm climbing my way out. Thanks again! :-)

[You Go Girl]

There you go. Start taking care of YOU. It's good to take care of the broken faucet, but if you're broken--?

So Mr. Fix it

Time to fix YOU.

 

You go see those friends. While you are unable to find a good job--check craigslist postings for handyman work, and post yourself on craigslist with things that you can fix. Put up some flyers! You can start a little business on the side, should you get employment, and at least have a few bucks coming in should that unemployment run out. AND--keeping busy keeps people from MOPING. Moping is a killer to motivation, self-esteem, confidence, you name it.

You sound like a grounded, reasonable, good man. Actually, a rare find.

 

Maybe you could also start up in a band again? Even a basement band? Just for fun type of thing.

Between your skills and your hobbies, I can think of a hundred ways to keep you busy, more than 24/7!

All positive things--!

[Helicon]

There you go. Start taking care of YOU. It's good to take care of the broken faucet, but if you're broken--?

So Mr. Fix it

Time to fix YOU.

 

You go see those friends. While you are unable to find a good job--check craigslist postings for handyman work, and post yourself on craigslist with things that you can fix. Put up some flyers! You can start a little business on the side, should you get employment, and at least have a few bucks coming in should that unemployment run out. AND--keeping busy keeps people from MOPING. Moping is a killer to motivation, self-esteem, confidence, you name it.

You sound like a grounded, reasonable, good man. Actually, a rare find.

 

Maybe you could also start up in a band again? Even a basement band? Just for fun type of thing.

Between your skills and your hobbies, I can think of a hundred ways to keep you busy, more than 24/7!

All positive things--!

 

Wow, everything you said about me is 100% accurate. You're right, I am grounded. A little too grounded. That's the problem. Domestication can really make people forget how to live.

 

It's funny that you mention, I was on Craigslist not too long ago looking at bands who are looking for a singer, but then I thought, I need to focus all my energies on finding work first, then I'll pursue my hobbies. I'll have to see what's on Craigslist as far as work goes. It's ridiculous out there. I was at the same company for 11 years and there's no work in my profession. Putting your resume online is a joke. It's like playing the lottery. I'm considering going back to school.

[OldEurope]

My wife and I have been together for 28 years (24 married).

We have 2 kids in their late teens who were homeschooled. They both still live at home. They are great kids. They don't smoke, don't drink and don't roam the streets. My daughter is an avid church goer and my son is an awsome piano player. I am very proud of both of them. However, as typical teenagers they do get out of line and can be tyrants at times.

For instance, my son's room is a total pig sty all the time. Clothes, trash on the floor, half empty water bottles, potato chip bags, etc. He tries to hide his dirty dishes and utensils in his drawers with baked on crap on them because he knows if I see it I'll get pissed. I've gotten into it with him BIG TIME, but he just keeps doing it. It's been and ongoing problem for at least 2 years. My wife acts like she could care less and always comes to his defense and will clean it for him.

 

My daughter has taken over my wifes car, and again, my wife doesn't care. My daughter complains up and down the minute something on it breaks and she'll keep harping on me like a tyrant until I fix it that very second. We're paying for her insurance under our policy because she only works a part time job. Whenever my daughter is out somewhere and runs low on gas, mommy comes to the rescue no matter where she is to fill up the tank using OUR account money.

 

It seems no matter what the kids do wrong it's fine with her and the kids know mommy will let them do whatever they want. The kids love me, but even so, it seems I've become the blacksheep of the family.

Mommy is their best pal. They all go out for lunch or coffee together and they confide in her about everything. They'll get mad at my wife if she betrays their confidence on issues. They'll say to her, "Don't tell dad".

I don't understand why because I am a very understanding person and have a good ear. I'm constantly hugging my kids and show them a lot of love. I buy them whatever them want (most of the time).

 

I never wanted it to be this way. I am jealous and resentful that my wife has made me out to be the bad guy to where the kids feel like they can't confide in me about anything.

 

The constant divisiveness has caused our marriage to go steadily down hill for the last 15 years. We're down to sex once every 3 months. If I want sex I have to 'pull' her over to me in bed and I'll have to listen to her complain first. It's degrading. She hasn't initiated sex in 11 years, literally. She use to all the time. Before the kids arrived our sex life was great. Those days are long gone. We don't share the same interests anymore and are growing further and further apart. We use to watch TV together, but we don't even do that anymore. Even when we did she wouldn't sit next to me on the couch even if I asked her to. She would always sit on the other couch. These days she spends her free nights playing Farmville on Facebook and IM'ing her sister while I'm in the other room. She doesn't like going out anywhere either. I've suggested doing stuff like going to the movie's, but she never wants to go.

 

She never sticks up for me in any situation no matter what it is, and always takes the opposing side. If I say it's black, she'll say it's white.

She'll pretend she doesn't hear me when I try to talk to her.

I feel like she does it to get under my skin.

 

She's made it clear that she can't stand me. She yelled it at me in arguments. What really gets me is she'll put on this fake front to family members to make everyone think she really loves me. She'll be more affectionate in front of my family, but when we get home she doen't want anything to do with me physically. It's like pouring salt on the wound.

 

I don't see any way out. I feel marriage institutionalized (my own term). We own a home and she's already told me if I want a divorce that's fine with her, but she's not taking the kids out of the house, which means she would fight to keep the home, even though MY mother gave us 20k to put towards getting this home.

 

I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I feel like a walking ATM who is unappreciated and serves no purpose on this earth other than to fix things that break. I'm feeling old, tired, and disgusted. 99% of the time I hold in my anger and resentment about everything. I can never talk sensibly about anything to my wife because she'll get extremely defensive and causes a huge fight. In her eyes I have no right to be unhappy.

I feel like it's my destiny to live the remainder of my life with a women who doesn't want me anymore and manipulates everyone against me.

 

What would you do?

 

 

I would leave. I would bid adieu to the clan. The kids are old enough to handle it, and should come crawling to you with apologies at some point later on anyhow.

 

THIS IS NOT how life is meant to be lived. It is to be lived with love, mutual respect, pride, honor and sexiness. You have pulled your weight and you get mistreatment in return and some dope who spends day and night on Facebook--a grown woman on Facebook. Love it.

 

I'd leave, hand over the house, clear out my bank account, file for divorce, talk to a lawyer, live in a nice hotel a while. Wouldn't waste an hour more. I just cannot stand these stories of the good being punished for being good, and responsible.

 

Go out and get your masculinity back--I mean, the sense of being an appreciated man again. I hope you enjoy a round two at being a bachelor and fall in love again

 

OE

[Helicon]

I would leave. I would bid adieu to the clan. The kids are old enough to handle it, and should come crawling to you with apologies at some point later on anyhow.

 

THIS IS NOT how life is meant to be lived. It is to be lived with love, mutual respect, pride, honor and sexiness. You have pulled your weight and you get mistreatment in return and some dope who spends day and night on Facebook--a grown woman on Facebook. Love it.

 

I'd leave, hand over the house, clear out my bank account, file for divorce, talk to a lawyer, live in a nice hotel a while. Wouldn't waste an hour more. I just cannot stand these stories of the good being punished for being good, and responsible.

 

Go out and get your masculinity back--I mean, the sense of being an appreciated man again. I hope you enjoy a round two at being a bachelor and fall in love again

 

OE

 

 

Thanks OldEurope. I would expect nothing less from someone living in Italy knowing how much Italians appreciate love and romance.

 

Jeez, love and romance. What's that? I've forgotten. Will someone please remind me?

 

I'll give you another example of what married life is for me.

A couple of years ago I told her I wanted things to go back to the way things use to be when we were younger and that we had so much fun together. Her reply was 'It doesn't stay that way forever'. Nice huh?

 

What women would not want their husband to rekindle their relationship?

 

If we have one tiff she'll make it out to be our whole life. She'll say, 'why should I want to be with someone who's mean to me all the time', when I'm not. She'll say we argue all the time when in fact we'd hadn't had even a minor tiff about anything in at least a couple of months. Many times she tried to provoke me, but I just bit the bullet and was nice in return just so she couldn't say I was mean to her.

Then, she'd turn around and say 'the only reason you're being nice to me is because you want sex'!

 

Now I ask you, how screwed up is that? If any woman could see first hand what I've put up with over the years she'd throw herself at me just to get back at her, but they never will because she has a great way of making me out to be the the bad guy while making herself out to be the doting, loving wife. She's sweet as apple pie to everyone but me.

 

The only reason I stayed was because I didn't want the my kids to view me as a bad father.

[FarmGirl]

Hi,

Your situation is heartbreaking!

It sounds an awful lot like emotional abuse to me.

I'm just now learning (at 40) that I'm way too young to live life according to someone else's standards.

Go forth and save yourself!!

PS aren't the LS group fantastic?

[giotto]

Son living in a pigsty? (not uncommon for teens) Just stop bothering him about it. Maybe send him some clippings about hoarders living in houses full of garbage from time to time. Tell him you love him but maybe a career in the military could help him overcome his mental illness before he turns into the weird guy with twenty cats and a PS3.

 

I loved that! The only difference is that my boy has an XBox.. Now, let's find some clippings...

[You Go Girl]

Thanks OldEurope. I would expect nothing less from someone living in Italy knowing how much Italians appreciate love and romance.

 

Jeez, love and romance. What's that? I've forgotten. Will someone please remind me?

 

I'll give you another example of what married life is for me.

A couple of years ago I told her I wanted things to go back to the way things use to be when we were younger and that we had so much fun together. Her reply was 'It doesn't stay that way forever'. Nice huh?

 

What women would not want their husband to rekindle their relationship?

 

If we have one tiff she'll make it out to be our whole life. She'll say, 'why should I want to be with someone who's mean to me all the time', when I'm not. She'll say we argue all the time when in fact we'd hadn't had even a minor tiff about anything in at least a couple of months. Many times she tried to provoke me, but I just bit the bullet and was nice in return just so she couldn't say I was mean to her.

Then, she'd turn around and say 'the only reason you're being nice to me is because you want sex'!

 

Now I ask you, how screwed up is that? If any woman could see first hand what I've put up with over the years she'd throw herself at me just to get back at her, but they never will because she has a great way of making me out to be the the bad guy while making herself out to be the doting, loving wife. She's sweet as apple pie to everyone but me.

 

The only reason I stayed was because I didn't want the my kids to view me as a bad father.

 

Your wife sounds very insecure. It's not rare at all in first marriages where the wife is mostly a homebody, or in mommy mode all the time.

What I'll bet your wife's problem is really all about is her tiny little world, and lack of experience in the bigger world the rest of us have joined.

She's so thick in her day to day routines, she can't see anything else out there.

She avoids you emotionally because she tuned you out a LONG time ago.

She spoils the kids because they are growing older, and her identity is all about being a mom. She doesn't want to lose her identity.

 

Why don't you try a strong approach to insisting that you become husband and wife again. Really, it's your only hope.

Insist there is a date once a week or so. Even if it is just the two of you going down the block to the greasy spoon.

Force her to spend time alone WITH YOU.

It will force her to look at the fact that she contributes nothing to the relationship of husband and wife.

That will be something she avoids admitting like the plague. If she is going to come back to the relationship at all--it would be a painful road for her to take a look at herself.

If she refuses--you've gained nothing, but you've also lost nothing, because you can't lose what is already lost.