elleymae Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Sorry if this ends up as a long post. My boyfriend and I are both in our 30's. I'm almost 35 and he's almost 33. We've been together almost two years. Our relationship has moved quite slow. It took a long time for him to say "I love you." It took a long time before he opened up about anything. Long story short, he decided that he needed counseling because he's spent so many years closing himself off, he didn't know how to open up to someone. Since he's been in counseling, our relationship has grown immensley. Several months back I asked him if I was the one for him because he never talked about the future at all. He said he wasn't sure. He said he wasn't sure about anything to do with the future because he'd never been future-minded before. That is also when he decided to go to counseling. This week, I asked him again. I told him that I want a family and if we're not moving forward, I need to figure my own life out. He didn't say much. He was open to the conversation (lots of eye contact, holding my hand, etc.) But the only thing he said was, "you're the one I want to be with, I'm happy." I explained that I understood that, but that it didn't really answer whether we were headed in the same direction or not. I told him that even if he decided tomorrow that he wanted to get married, having a family doesn't happen overnight and I'm ready now. I also told him, "I am going to have to figure out what I want to do." He pulled me close and gave me lots of kisses. I went to another part of the house and he followed and held me. Yet, still said nothing. Several months ago, I wrote him a letter and told him what kind of ring I'd like should he ever decide that he wanted to marry me. I also said in the letter that I would want to be surprised, that was my number one wish.. to be surprised at the engagement. Honestly, I wish I'd never said that because I cannot tell right now if he's just not saying anything because he is planning on asking. (He was open when I talked to him about it, he just smiled and said nothing) or if he didn't say anything because he's still not sure, or he's just not planning on it, and knows if he told me that I'd bolt. I really love this man! He is my dream come true... wonderful in every way... the kindest man I've ever met...but again, I want to have a family and unfortunately, my biological clock won't last forever. Any advice?
alphamale Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Any advice? 2 years is plenty of time to know whether you want to marry someone or not
EasyHeart Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 When he says he's happy, that means he's happy with the way things are. He has no interest or motivation to move the relationship forward because he has everything he wants. You, OTH, do not. He is not going to marry you. Quit wasting your time trying to change him, because it's not going to happen. In the meantime, there's a really great guy out there looking for someone like you, but he can't find you because you're throwing your life away hoping this loser is going to change.
DustySaltus Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 The last thing you want him to do is marry you because he feels pressured and doesn't want to lose you completely. I have to agree with Alpha though, 2 years is a long time to not know if you see a future with someone. I think you really have to focus on your needs and have a very serious talk with him about what you want. Set some sort of timeline, otherwise it could be another two years and you'll be in the same spot again. Unfortunately this is leading to an ultimatum and men don't always respond in the way you would like.
torranceshipman Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I would have found that letter to be immense, immense pressure and I'd have felt extremely uncomfortable. Did it come up as a focus of conversation or did he read it and the matter sat undiscussed? I'd maybe give him a bit of time then bring the conversation up again and he might open up more at that point about what he really wants...my feeling is that his heart isn't in it, but he is a very kind person and is trying to make it work so you both don't have to split up.
make me believe Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 I highly doubt the reason he's not talking about engagement is because he's secretly planning on proposing. I mean, that's REALLY grasping at straws. If he was thinking about proposing, he would at the very least ease your fears and tell you that he does want to marry you and will make it happen soon. I'm sorry, but it's obvious that he has no interest in marrying you. EasyHeart is exactly right, he has everything he wants in this situation. You two live together (I'm assuming), you're playing the role of his wife, but he doesn't actually have to make any promises or commitments to you. Move on and find somebody who wants the same things that you do, because you're just wasting your time with this guy.
Art_Critic Posted April 12, 2010 Posted April 12, 2010 2 years is plenty of time to know whether you want to marry someone or not Yeah.. I'm with Alpha on this one.. and will throw in "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" I think when a relationship stagnates like this it is because of mismatched expectations.. You are expecting him to propose to you and he is expecting to keep having sex with you with out having to Maybe it is time for one of those famous talks that women are famous for " Where are we going with this relationship?"
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