LK30 Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 One thing my ex said to me when we split was that I didnt make much effort with her Dad. My ex's mum and dad split a few years ago just before my ex went to Uni. He was physically aggressive to her and seemed nasty altho i never met him. He went off to Thailand and met a 'wife' during the Tsunami period of time but he never thought of telling anyone he was safe as my ex and family feared he had been killed. At Uni my ex went into severe depression and self harmed. He never took an interest in my ex, and he moved to near where my ex lived and opened a small Thai restaurant. My ex went there a few times to try to build their r'ship as she did care about him, but he dismissed her and almost encourage some of his mates to leer at her in a sexual way. As a result of all this, I said to my ex I never wanted to meet him as I couldnt bare to shake his hand and say 'pleased to meet u' after all I had heard about him. Yet, rather than my ex understanding my viewpoint she was really annoyed and said 'well if i can make the effort with him so should you' when we split. So does anyone have any opinions on this. Was I really nasty refusing to have any involvement with him or should I have tried to make an effort? You might say 'why are you thinking about it, your r'ship is over,' but I'm a nice person but maybe I am wrong! Thanks.
yah Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 I think you should've met him if she asked you to. It's true, if she could make the effort, so should you. It's not about liking him as a person, its about supporting your ex in what she wants to do, which was wanting to be more involved with her dad. At the same time, you could let her know exactly what you thought about him and the reasons you don't like him but its her dad, her life, her decision.
Ronni_W Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 You were in a difficult position, so you could cut yourself a lot of slack -- no need to judge yourself as "harsh" or "wrong" or anything of the sort, IMO. At the end of the day, you acted with integrity -- according to your own values, principles, ethics, codes, standards, morals (whatever you want to call them.) You do have the absolute right to do that, some might say you also have the self-obligation. Even if how you need to do it does not match up with someone else's wants, needs or hopes, it still does not mean that you'd be acting unreasonably, inappropriately or "harshly". It's your job to mind YOUR integrity; to defend, protect and live up to it...or risk end up feeling like crap about your Self. The "relationship problem" if you will, was lack of clear, honest and open communications -- on her side, about her needs, wants, expectations and hopes for the relationship between you and her dad; and on your side, about your values and what you will stand up for and act/speak out against. Doesn't matter that it was her dad...your values and principles ought to be the same for every person on the planet. But also. If you had decided to meet him purely as a gesture of support for your then-girlfriend, doing that would not have weakened your integrity because you'd have built-in other of your own goals into your actions. You could still have acted with dignity and respect, without getting all 'warm and friendly' with him. You'd have been respecting him for the fact that he fathered the daughter that he did and for his (albeit unrealized) potential...not for any of his crummy behaviour. If you have the opportunity, and want to do it, you could let your ex know that you didn't, at the time, see a way to support her desires and goals while also staying true to your own principles. It's also that she needs to have understanding and compassion for the position you were in, and that you had a difficult decision to make (if indeed she'd ever verbalized her desire for you to "make an effort" with her dad, which she should have done if that's what she hoped would happen.)
threebyfate Posted April 11, 2010 Posted April 11, 2010 Good Gawd! Why would you be expected to enable her desire to reconnect with an abusive father? She's trying to prove herself to be someone worth loving, to someone who doesn't give a crap. This is bad mojo. You're lucky to be an ex. While you might be in pain now, better break up than having to carry her load of crap too.
Author LK30 Posted April 12, 2010 Author Posted April 12, 2010 Thanks for your replies guys. Some mixed responses there, and I guess 'yah' has a point. I should've put my ex's feelings first and met her Dad, I just think I had heard so much negativity about him I had built up a really bad image and didn't want to shake his hand and say 'pleased to meet you' as altho i could grin and bear it I just unfortunately know that he would either show me no respect or just give my ex a hard time as that's what he's always done. I did debate going to see him on my own, but I reckon my ex would've gone mad. Guess it's all over now, it's just I am a genuine guy, but I don't want to be false. It's a shame I can't do anythin about it now... I had a dream about me sorting their r'ship out and me walking away, as I've walked out of her life so I guess I can't really talk :-(
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