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How long do you give a relationship to grow?


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Posted

How much time do you recommend giving to a new relationship, to see if you two can connect intimately and emotionally? To give a chance for love to occur?

 

I'm curious because I've been seeing a guy exclusively for maybe 6 weeks now, and while I'm in no hurry for anything, I don't get a sense that he's wanting more than an exclusive casual GF that he sees on a frequent basis. And I'm enjoying my time with him but eventually (whether it's with him or someone else), I'm going to want more. I just have no clue when you cut your losses and move on.

 

Any suggestions?

Posted

Strictly speaking, a relationship never stops growing, developing, evolving....

But if after 6 weeks, you get the impression (gut feeling? Red flag?) that this guy's just in it for a laid-back time - and you'd like more from a Significant Other - then I think it's high time for 'the talk'.

 

A simple, "what is it you're looking for in this relationship?" (open-ended question, as opposed to a yes/no response one) will be enough for him to either tell you it's a long-term thing on his part, or give you a shrug and say, "Jeesh, I dunno... that's a bit heavy, ain't it?"

 

If he comes out with something like (anything like!) the latter - time to move on.....

Posted

OP, how does he respond to you casually sharing your life with him, meaning the events of your life? Are you sexually active with him? If you are, how does your perception of his interest prior to and after sex match up with your perception of him otherwise.

 

I'll give a gross example, not one indicative of my personality or style: I'll say anything to a woman, feign sincere interest, engage in playful banter, whatever it takes to get my noodle wet. After, later, those life events she shared with me and in which I appeared to take sincere interest are forgotten by me, like they never happened. Because I'm gifted socially, I can gloss over such inconsistency with smooth and convincing talk. Rinse and repeat as appropriate to get my noodle wet.

 

OP, when a man has a sincere interest in you, his words and actions match and you *feel* that interest at a basic level. IMO, that dynamic (and him feeling *your* sincere interest as well) are the foundation for determining compatibility for a more serious relationship.

 

As far as 'time', IMO, you should have a timeline in your mind as to where you want to be in a relationship. If you're posting this, there are needs and desires going unmet, so it's reasonable both to communicate those needs and desires as well as to set an internal timeline regarding a healthy response. If no joy, move on.

 

On a recent date, a lady asked me what I was looking for in a relationship. I told her I enjoyed being married and would like to be married again someday (I'm currently awaiting court approval of our divorce). Simple, direct answer. I didn't see definitive signs of sincere interest from her, so I discontinued dating her. That's what my M and D have taught me; to clearly see the path and act on what I see, decisively.

 

Hope it works out for you :)

Posted

Well look this is how I see it. If you feel like your just the casual girl he's seeing exclusively for now until 1) he gets bored or 2) someone better comes along, talk to him about it. Ask him what he wants out of the relationship and then make a decision based on his response.

  • Author
Posted
OP, how does he respond to you casually sharing your life with him, meaning the events of your life? Are you sexually active with him? If you are, how does your perception of his interest prior to and after sex match up with your perception of him otherwise.

 

We've been sexually active, and exclusive for six weeks. We had a somewhat awkward talk upfront where we both agreed that being sexually active with each other meant being exclusive to one another. We also talked about our LT goals (neither one necessarily looking to get married, neither one interested in any more children, etc). But he did say that he's guilty of over-analyzing relationships early on and that gets him into trouble (not sure what that means), and that he prefers no labels. So, okay. no labels (and I'm one to label everything, grrr).

 

We share our life stories, where he usually feigns interest convincingly enough :D

 

He's met my friends, I haven't met any of his. I don't get a sense that at any point in the near future he will want me to meet his family, friends, co workers, or stock broker. I have met his dog though :laugh: I don't know how to describe it, I don't get a sense that he's going to want "us" to progress to a point of love or emotional intimacy. I can't tell you the red flags that's giving me that hunch. And I might just be paranoid. I mean, 6 weeks isn't really all that long.

 

Maybe I need to give things 3 months. And if we're still together then and he's still emotionally distant, I need to bail out?

 

Having The Talk with him at this point makes me nervous. I don't want to appear needy or impulsive, or pushy.

  • Author
Posted
Strictly speaking, a relationship never stops growing, developing, evolving....

But if after 6 weeks, you get the impression (gut feeling? Red flag?) that this guy's just in it for a laid-back time - and you'd like more from a Significant Other - then I think it's high time for 'the talk'.

 

A simple, "what is it you're looking for in this relationship?" (open-ended question, as opposed to a yes/no response one) will be enough for him to either tell you it's a long-term thing on his part, or give you a shrug and say, "Jeesh, I dunno... that's a bit heavy, ain't it?"

 

If he comes out with something like (anything like!) the latter - time to move on.....

 

TaraMaiden, do you think that at 6 weeks it's okay to have that talk or is it really too early to be going there...

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