Author Hot Carl Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 Truer words have never been spoken! It's been four years for me. I should figure I'm pretty much at 100% right now. It's not going to get a lot better.
D-Lish Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Truer words have never been spoken! When I look at my posts from even 2 years ago, I was dating the wrong people. I was doing so because I had such a low opinion of myself that I allowed undesirable people to infiltrate my life. I date less often now, but I feel so good about where I am at that I am okay with not dating as much! It's been four years for me. I should figure I'm pretty much at 100% right now. It's not going to get a lot better. It's been close to 5 years for me, since I had a bf. 7 years since my divorce. For a while, I approached dating believing that if I just found the right person, they would help me feel better about myself. That led me in the wrong direction. You have a lot of great things going for you- when you embrace those positive things and start believing them, your outlook on dating will change.
Citizen Erased Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Still suffering today. I wish I could understand what is going on. I seriously feel like I just got out of a long relationship, and it wasn't my choice. According to some I'm being too hard on myself, but I don't even know what I'm thinking about it. I just feel like hell. Out of control. hugs for you.
Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 When I look at my posts from even 2 years ago, I was dating the wrong people. I was doing so because I had such a low opinion of myself that I allowed undesirable people to infiltrate my life. For a while, I approached dating believing that if I just found the right person, they would help me feel better about myself. That led me in the wrong direction. You have a lot of great things going for you- when you embrace those positive things and start believing them, your outlook on dating will change. Great post, D!
Star Gazer Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 Do you have friends who could set you up, in a casual setting? Backyard BBQ kind of thing? That way you could jsut be yourself, without pressure, let the real you shine through... all while "breaking you in" to being flirty and social?
Author Hot Carl Posted April 14, 2010 Author Posted April 14, 2010 I've just gotten to be a bit too insecure. Getting so nervous on a date and then kicking myself relentlessly for days afterward: those are not healthy things to do. To be honest, the date didn't actually go that badly, but I just couldn't forgive myself for the imperfection. I need to unravel what is going on in my head right now. I guess I have some work to do.
alphamale Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I guess I have some work to do. brother, we all have work to do
deux ex machina Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 I haven't the slightest idea what you look like, but in reading what your friends say in this thread I wouldn't discount out of hand the possibility that you could be a bit intimidating to your dates. It may be something you don't pick up on or misinterpret. Over time, you will relax, and that should help to take your out of yourself. You are perfectly imperfect and you will be just fine, I promise.
CLC2008 Posted April 14, 2010 Posted April 14, 2010 First dates always nerve wracking. March on little soldier, march on.
Author Hot Carl Posted April 15, 2010 Author Posted April 15, 2010 brother, we all have work to do I was supposed to be done with all that by now. I haven't the slightest idea what you look like, but in reading what your friends say in this thread I wouldn't discount out of hand the possibility that you could be a bit intimidating to your dates. It may be something you don't pick up on or misinterpret. Over time, you will relax, and that should help to take your out of yourself. You are perfectly imperfect and you will be just fine, I promise. I have my fingers crossed. I seriously doubt they are intimidated. I think they are just wondering where the guy they thought I was went. First dates always nerve wracking. March on little soldier, march on. True. I might be expecting too much. The fact is I have no idea what she was thinking. But there is no doubt I came away from it pretty wrecked. And that alone is evidence some changes are in order. I think it's great to have LS here when I actually have something to figure out. You all are great.
homersheineken Posted April 15, 2010 Posted April 15, 2010 Quote: Originally Posted by alphamale brother, we all have work to do I was supposed to be done with all that by now. you're perfect?
Author Hot Carl Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 you're perfect? Apparently not. It's kind of ridiculous if you ask me. I feel better now. I've dealt with all the shock and horror and I think I'm back on more solid psychological footing. I've completely taped over the potholes in my self-esteem, so I think we can consider that little case closed. Actually my confidence is a bit damaged, I can tell. But I'm going to keep trying until something clicks. At least things are moving now. I gave the stagnant pool a good stir.
alphamale Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I feel better now. i'm glad you're feeling better after going thru that psychological minefield HC
skydiveaddict Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Next time have a couple of drinks beforehand
Author Hot Carl Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 i'm glad you're feeling better after going thru that psychological minefield HC Thanks, Alpha. I'm not exactly proud of all that, but maybe I learned something.
Lovelybird Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 Hi, Hot Carl, you are a great guy, being yourself is great. Catch yourself when you talk to youself negatively, those voices aren't true. I understand the beat-yourself thing, I used to do it a lot. then I told myself "ok, I did probably wrong, but it is ok, I accept myself". sometimes I imaged one single wrong move of mine can ruin whole thing. Well, it is not true. If you meet someone very critical and manipulative and perfermance-based, probably this person will make you feel worse about yourself, and enhance this wrong belief (if you have a pattern to be attracted to these kind of women, then you should pay attention to this pattern). But if you meet someone really like you, someone who has the ability to love, even your silly moves, she can sense your good will, would think it as cute. Let those women who enhance wrong beliefs of yours go. And another thing, have you tried dating several women at same time until you find the one you really like? I think this help you lessen the anxiety.
Author Hot Carl Posted April 16, 2010 Author Posted April 16, 2010 Thanks, Lovelybird. Those are encouraging thoughts. Maybe I'm just impatient and don't want to search forever. It takes a fair amount of energy just to line up one date, so I don't feel I can afford for it not to go well. And maybe I'm also a bit of a perfectionist and think every woman has to fall for me or else I'm fatally flawed. Dating more than one woman at a time seems kind of risky. Because my memory is pretty bad. It would be easy for me to attribute something one said to another. I doubt there are many who would tolerate that kind of mixup. Your idea about controlling negative thoughts is the secret though. It's something I've been working hard on the past few days. I didn't have a problem with it for a long time. But the habit snuck up on me. Now that I'm trying to open up a bit to the world, I am suddenly confronted with the little monster that has built its nest inside my head. It's going to be a battle for a while.
Twenty-ten Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 After reading everything you have posted, I think you just really need to accept that you are not perfect. Once you accept that you make mistakes and that you are not going to be 100% on, all the time, you will be less critical of your shortcomings. Computer keyboards have a delete key, and pencils come with erasers on the end of them for a reason, it's because it factors in human error. Humans make mistakes. Can you accept that you do too?
Lovelybird Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I see. It is difficult to control those negative thoughts probably because those thoughts were left by people who are very important to you and you trust them and so believe what they said are true? but they are human, they makes mistakes Can I be honest with you? I feel like you are much more grounded and more real guy now, and it takes courage to be real. Women don't expect a man who is perfect, we expect a man can be real and honest with us, and relate with us in the human areas. Do you expect a perfect woman? But there are safe people and unsafe people
SadandConfusedWA Posted April 16, 2010 Posted April 16, 2010 I sort of agree. But the other side of it is that it's easy to just get into a comfortable rut and never try because you never feel 100%. It's not always true that when you're not looking love will find you. Love doesn't actually look very hard for you. This has been my experience as well. I pretty much had a handfull of dates in the last 5 years. The less I look, the less I get. I have realized that if I want to find love I will have to put an effort into online dating/speed dating/bars etc. Otherwise, I can easily see 5 more years going by and me still being single with nothing much changing. As depressing as this thought is, it's almost comforting too.
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